AIBU to ask what you’d do if you were me, as I am in a complete mess?

[Inacompletemess]

My life is in absolute chaos and I need help, but please be kind.

1. Money, I’m in debt up to my ears.

My take home pay is £2000

Rent - £450
Car finance - £270 (the agreement I have says I have to pay that whether I have the car or not, the car is needed for work so selling it isn’t sensible)
Loan - £280
Bills - £300
Car insurance - £75

In theory I should have around £600 left to play with. It soon goes on petrol and so on. Also, I have credit card debt of around £2000 and an overdraft of £700. Every month I am borrowing money from both to stay afloat. I’ve looked into getting a second job but it’s difficult as I already work full time.

1. Sad and lonely I’m chronically single. I’ve given up trying to meet someone to be honest. I regret not trying harder when I was younger. Most of my friends either married boyfriends they met at university or spent their twenties prioritising meeting someone. I stupidly didn’t do this and now I’m 38, alone and probably going to stay that way. I LOVE children and it really does hurt me so much to know I won’t have them.

1. Weight ... it’s fair to say this has never been easy for me. It’s probably why I’ve never met someone. I feel food is my only friend really - I don’t really have any friends any more and I only really look forward to eating, I managed to lose a stone about a month ago but have probably put it back on again in the last two weeks!

I am just feeling a bit desperate really. I wish more than anything I could rewind the last twenty years! But life doesn’t work that way of course.

Ran out of room! Or other outside food. You can do at home and take with you.

I am in about £25,000 in debt but have got it down to £17,000 and I'm not worrying about it. Debt happens as long as you don't stress about it and think and be sensible. Also eBay anything or gumtree Facebook sell items you don't need. Every little helps.

Also can you offer dog walking to locals? Exercise and payment!

Speak to your bank and say you are struggling. They might stop interest o. Your overdraft/ cc for a while. And ask loan company for a pay holiday for 1 or 2 months and put the loan money towards the credit card and cut up. Or against your over draft then lower the overdraft limit

Oh and swagbucks is good. For surveys etc. And also use a cashback site so if you do food shop etc online you can get a bit back

Oh and cash4clothes drop off sites as some tips/dumps. You don't get much but it clears out space and you get about a fiver.

From being in debt I have become quite penny wise and can stretch and move it around. I keep spreadsheets of debt and when and how much I paid off. Even if it was 20p towards something.

OP this isn't meant to.sound harsh but you seem.to be in a very negative frame of mind and can only see reasons not to do things.

Several people including me have suggested bar work but you say that all the bar jobs go to students so there is no point. I live in a small city with two universities and I can assure you that lots of pubs take on non students as staff. Especially as students tend not to want to work on Saturday nights. Pub work would mean meeting new people and earning money.

Also, you could try something like SW or WW where youd meet people and get support with your weightloss.

I know it's very hard to motivate yourself when you are depressed but taking some positive action will be beneficial.

If you start sorting everything out TODAY then it isn't too late to sort out the debt, lose the weight and meet someone to have a family with. Many women have their first child at 40 or later. If it really matters to you to have a family you need to make a decision right now to do what is necessary to make that happen and stick to it. Seek budgeting advice. Start walking more (can you park a mile away from your destination each time and walk?), pursue interests, put yourself out there. See your GP to check wherher you may be depressed as if you are they can help you. You have the power to change things if you really want to. If you don't try you will never know.

When you're feeling down, it's hard to think of things you would like to do or think about socialising. Maybe speak to your GP about your low mood?

MeetUp will have social groups you could join if you were feeling up to it.

Doing activities "for the sake of it" has its place in that it gets you out and moving and interacting, and at worst, you don't enjoy it and have something new to tell people.

I echo others that the very first thing you need to do is go to the GP, you sound stuck in a spiral of depression.

As others have said, all the problems you have posted here are completely manageable; even if it will take some time and effort to sort. The fact that you think you have no way out is a sign of needing some support with your mental health.

That should be your absolute number one priority.

Hi Op

I don’t think that there is a quick solution to your problems but you shouldn’t worry if you are heading in the right direction.

With your weight, look at team rh fitness on Facebook, there are lots of free content but if you join for support it’s £49 a year. It’s all about calorie deficit so they will tell you to weigh yourself daily, use my fitness pal app to track your calories and have a fitness tracker to monitor your steps. You can eat what you like as long as you accurately stick to your generous calorie allowance.

They advise against crash diets as it can lead to binges and it’ll work alongside lifestyle choices such as veganism or fasting.

With money, as others have said look at money saving expert, there are survey sites, cashback sites, diaries of people paying back debts and it’s a very friendly place. Would weekend Christmas work be an option for you?

With the social side, I would look into volunteering or perhaps getting to know colleagues or your housemates better and don’t wait for someone else to make suggestions of activities. Also the people around may have people in their social circle who might become friends or boyfriends. Say yes to anything you can socially even if you don’t really fancy it.

@Inacompletemess
I am going to suggest you start by visiting your GP. Firstly I think you have got yourself in a downward spiral and may need some help for this. The doctor will be able to identify if you have actual depression or not, but may be able to refer you to some talking therapy or similar if medication is not needed.

Secondly when you are at the doctors ask if they can do you a referral to weight watchers or slimming world. In a lot of places you can get a 12 week referral for free. There can be a lot of negativity around these diet plans but if you actually read the information provided at group they are based on normal day to day foods and can help you put together a meal plan. If you are very over weight I'd particularly recommend slimming world as this gives you lists of food you can eat to still feel full.

In fact even if the GP can't make the referral for free I would still invest the £5 a week membership as it will be positive for you and also get you out of the house to meet people.

I understand if you are overweight and uncomfortable you may not wish to join an exercise class but try to get yourself out for a short walk each day, at lunchtime or build it into your commute during the week if you don't fancy going out during the dark. Then at weekends take yourself out to the countryside or a park and go for a walk somewhere 'green'. This is supposed to be good for your mental health as well as physical.

I think that if you can just see a little bit of weight loss, feel a bit fitter and in a better place emotionally you will feel in a much more positive frame to tackle your debt. The debt isn't massive and I'm guessing a lot of your money is going on treat food to make yourself feel better so if you are on top of this then spending less will be easier. There is a long running thread under the topic 'credit crunch' around 'frugaleers' where posters are keeping each other on track around their spending. In fact have a read of most of what is on this board as it can help you to cut back financially.

I think the key thing is 'baby steps.

For future consideration some voluntary work, book club , evening class if they still do them near you, will get you out . And there are some easier exercise classes around toning up you may feel able to join in future.

I'm going to be really honest and show you some tough love OP - you sound really defeatist and that's a self fulfilling prophecy. You are only seeing negative things in your life instead of the many things you already have to feel grateful for - you have a job, comfortable home, presumably you have certain skills, health, ability to walk for miles, and you live in an exciting city. Probably more that we don't know about. But you don't acknowledge any of that and instead you choose to pour all your thought energy into what you don't have. That's what's known as a 'lack mentality' and as such you're continuing to welcome more negativity and spiral down into depression about your life. Pay attention to how you describe yourself (beginning with your username) and the words you use to talk about your life. Would you talk about a friend like that? Probably not. So why talk about yourself like that. If you talk about yourself in such negative disparaging ways how can you expect another person to come along and think you're worthy if loving- you don't think you're worthy of loving! You need to put your big girl pants on and get back your self respect.

I think you need to start by educating yourself about mindset.

You've had some great advice on here about finance, fitness, losing weight and lifestyle but you've shut a lot of these down or ignored them. You are not going to attract positive energy into your life right now, and even begin to change things for the better as you don't have any positive energy. That's within your control, your grasp and it's something you can choose to change or not.

I work with vulnerable people, including homeless people in difficult difficult situations who have more positivity and self-responsibility than you. There is no excuse. Count your blessings, of which you have many, and start to take action to get the life you want. Read, educate yourself, research, learn and do. You can either do it, or don't do it.

Option A: stay the same for the rest of your life.
Option B: visualise the life you want and work towards it.
The key word here is work. It is work. And no-one else can do it for you.

How much are you spending on petrol?

How much are you spending on food? What sort of food are you eating?

Are you buying random shit to make you feel better? Are you buying a Starbucks MegaSugarDiabetesGiver and a slab of cake each day? Do you go to the petrol station and pick up chocolate, large cans of Red Bull/Coke/etc and a massive packet of crisps whilst you're there?

You need to pay for petrol to get to work. Nobody needs to buy the other crap they sell, especially not at the prices they charge.

How much do you weigh/what size clothes are you? If you're size 32+, then that's a lot different to being an 18/20.

Walking doesn't burn enough calories to negate what you are eating if you're having sugary stuff or takeaways every day. Eating highly processed foods will make you feel like crap if you don't eat fresh vegetables.

Looking realistically, your bills are roughly half of mine and my income was nearly half of yours for two people and two cats up until three months ago. Now, if you're missing credit card payments/going into unauthorised overdrafts every month, that will swallow up far more money than you appear to have on paper. To tread water at present if that's the case, you must set up direct debits for the minimum credit card payments right now. That won't ever clear the debts, but it will at least prevent any extra charges

Look at what you are eating. We've already talked about the pointless crap, I'm talking about the actual stuff you have in meals. What do you eat? Lots of pasta? A handful of dry pasta is plenty. If you absolutely cannot cope without having a mountain of pasta and a whole tub of high fat sauce so you fall into a sleepy, post carbs slump, then the best thing you could is actually not eat it at all for a while.

Add a fuckton of vegetables to every evening meal. Do you eat meat? If you do, rather than going for a chicken curry/onion bhaji/pilau rice/meal for 2 from the supermarket or curry house, bung a single chicken breast (bought frozen in a pack, preferably, as they're cheaper that way) into a plastic food bag in the fridge with a couple of blobs of natural yoghurt and a tablespoon of garam masala in the evening. By the time you get home the next day, it will have defrosted and marinated.

Chuck it into a pan with minimal oil and let it cook. Whilst that's happening, open a bag of mixed leaves and put half in a big bowl, add cherry tomatoes, cucumber, that kind of thing (which will cost you about £2). When it's cooked, slice it up into bite sized pieces and put them on top. Add a good squeeze of lemon or lime juice - from a bottle is fine). Try to eat it slowly. You've just spent around £5 instead of more than a tenner from the supermarket or £20 from the takeaway. And far, far fewer calories with far greater nutritional value.

Rather than 'treating' yourself to shite that isn't making you feel good, look at 'treating' yourself to lean meat, to fish, to fresh vegetables, to fresh fruit for a sweetness hit. Enjoy meals for their appearance, their colours, their flavours, not their ease to cram down your feelings with.

Take a multivitamin. Odds are that you're low in Vitamin D, for a start.

Just a few days and you'll start feeling a difference. You won't magically become slim, but food should energise you, not sedate you. Force yourself outside for ten minutes during the day, even if it's pissing down. You need daylight and fresh air, even if it is standing underneath a tree in the pissing rain, it's better for your eyes and body to do that than stay inside all lunch.

In the longer term (such as the end of the month when you haven't dipped into credit cards as much), see how you feel. Has that change in habit at the petrol station/what you have to eat become easier? Do you feel a bit better?

What other exercise/activity have you enjoyed? Do you like being in water? Could you use the fiver you've saved on one meal compared to previously to pay for an aquafit session in the local pool this week?

Have you ever used a gym? Paying a membership might seem like another expense, but if you are so unhappy about your weight and mood, perhaps your GP could refer you for exercise - some places do that and it means you get reduced costs or even free use at certain times.

There are many things you can do to start feeling better. But you have to try them - not just for one day, you need to keep doing them for a while to be sure they'll have an effect. And once you're feeling better about yourself and in yourself, maybe the other things won't seem so unsurmountable.

You might not be comfortable with this. But you sure as hell aren't comfortable with yourself right now. So try a different sort of uncomfortable.

Do you have a spare bedroom ? Could you rent it out or do air B and B . When we had too little money , we had international students from the local colledge stay . They are out all day and often out at night .
You can earn quite a bit tax free .
Combine your debts .
Sell some things .
A weekend job . Then save all that money and it will also possibly be social .. cafe? Pub ?

Quite a lot of doctors surgeries arrange either free weight management classes and exercise or do free gym
Membership if your b m i fits criteria or other health related stuff . Ask .

Sometimes when I’m low, I listen to motivational talks on YouTube.
This is my favourite and I find it gives me some inspiration and positivity.
I get it’s not for everyone but if it’s something that helps....

Buy yourself a notebook and write a heading per page as follows -
Finances, health, work, spirituality (this doesn’t have to be religious, just anything that brings joy, peace or is uplifting to your spirit)

Under each heading, write your goals, then your barriers to each goal, then a way to overcome those barriers. Utilise the ideas given by posters that you think you can.

Hopefully, that will give you a plan that works for YOU.

I'm 20+ stone and I run. You just need to take it very slowly (when I started I was regularly overtaken by very elderly dog walkers and their equally elderly dogs) and run on tracks and grass rather than road. I run in workbooks with a lot of cushioning. Concentrate on a running gait and putting your feet down as lightly as possible.

Don't try to make all of these changes at once. I know all too well the attraction of a complete overhaul but you'll just be overwhelmed. You can start the financial one immediately and I would then probably pick exercise (e.g. I will walk to the shop for one bag's worth of shopping rather than drive) to go with it for the first month.

Work boots not workbooks

OxfordCat is right. You sound defeatist and are making excuses not to improve your life. Thirty eight is not too old for most things- my mother in law married at 82. You’ve still a little time to sort yourself out for a child but poor finances and poor health aren’t a good starting place.
Take a bit or responsibility for changing how you react to life.

First step. GP. Talk about low mood but also about weight management support. Supported weight loss is easier and more likely Tom be sustained. Ask about gym for health referral. Exercise boosts mood.

Second step. CAB financial advisor to help sort your debt. It might be possible to freeze the interest or consolidate but it definitely means cutting up your credit cards and closing your overdraft facility for now.

Look at a second job. A full time job is no reason not to have a second income stream. Bar work is sociable, standing is good for core muscles, working red spending time. Nightclubs might want students but they’ll be plenty of private clubs or things like theatres that will happily use more mature staff. A few shifts under your belt and your age might be an advantage whereby you become a shift leader.

If bar work is a step too far, get a shop job. Everywhere wants staff in run up to Christmas and many want more mature staff - M&S, Tesco, Monsoon, Clark’s all deliver services to older customers and age is an asset.

An extra two shifts a week will make a significant difference plus gives you wider social contact. Don’t think of it as work even, consider it a useful hobby. It needn’t be long term, just until you’ve stabilised.

Plan food. Make soup as part of healthy eating weight loss but cheap programme. Forego junk and ready meals. Take pleasure in planning and cooking for yourself.

Maintain and make friendships for encouragement. Celebrate success. Mark achieving goals. Lose 5kg and give yourself a glass of wine or a cinema visit.

Be kind to yourself and smile a lot. Simply smiling makes you more attractive and lifts your mood. It becomes cyclical. Say nice things to others, compliment strangers, talk to old people in queues. Be too lovely to ignore. You really don’t have to be 5’10 and 8 stone for men to find you attractive. Just be around men and don’t look desperate. My mother in law is testament to that. H

I think you need to physically contact a debt charity and get them to go through everything with you. I think you need that external support right now

I agree with OxfordCat

There are so many people that have been in much much worse situations than you and have managed to get out of it.

I actually think that your mindset is the problem here - perhaps you need to address that first.

Read up on growth mindset - Grit by Angela Duckworth is a great book - you could get it on an audio book and listen to it while you're out walking.

When it comes to the money Start by writing down everything you spend and what it’s on. Me and my husband earn less than that a month between us and we have two children and our mortgage is more than your rent. You should sort this easily you are probably spending more than you realise on things you don’t need. Try setting budgets for things such as food and maybe withdrawing the cash so you can see what your spending.transfer your credit cards to 0% ASAP so you aren’t getting in more debt. Start paying of the most on the debt with the highest interest first and the minimum on the rest. Cut out as much unnecessary spending as you can until you clear your debt.

“I actually think that your mindset is the problem here - perhaps you need to address that first”

THIS.

You say you wish you did things differently over the past 20 years - there is nothing stopping you now for the next 50.

But it depends on how much you really want to change? People who have lost weight, become debt free for good have committed and followed through.

Please Speak to a GP today.

How many people do you know who met the love of their life at 40? Me neither.

OP, please stop listening to people saying you're defeatist and negative. I've been where you are.

It's awful living your life hostage to a fading hope of happiness. Really awful. No wonder you're sad and bewildered.

It's so easy to blame yourself, please don't. Being a couple of k in debt when you're single is practically compulsory, it's an insanely expensive state. Being fat is normal.

Time to accept the new normal. For me, accepting the here and now did me a lot of good.

Listening to people who told me He was Still Out There did not.

Listening to people who told me You Will Meet Him if You Only Lost 300kg/Tangoed all Night/OLD Again, Again, Again really did not.

This is what finally worked for me:

1. I stopped spending money on going out. Yup, I stopped investing spending loads of money and time going to events in the pathetic hope I might meet someone.

Result: I was still single, but at least I had the odd fiver to watch a film at home with a packet pizza. My room became somewhere I enjoyed being, not an untidy launchpad.

1. Weight: as it happens I have thyroid disease that's why I'm fat, but... I stopped beating myself up about it and bought size 18 clothes and take gentle exercise when I can.

I'm fat. OK? Can we accept that weight doesn't make that much difference. Obsessing about it is boring and mental.

Result: I now enjoy a little walk, makes you feel better. As I stroll, I remember that I wouldn't have married Brad Pitt if I'd been size 14 or size 6 either.

3: I volunteered, which is a way of going out that doesn't cost you precious grocery money. You meet nice people, you get time away from yourself and you become a better person, instantly.

Result: new friends, a good cause, impossible not to cheer up.

I heard a great phrase today and it made me think of you, OP.

There’s no ‘winning’ or ‘losing’ and therefore no winners and losers in life. You can be behind or ahead of the game, but you’ve never ‘won’ or ‘lost’.

So currently you’re a bit behind. But if you pay off the debt etc you’ll get ahead...

Everyone has bad phases, you're not a 'loser' and you haven't messed up your life. Maybe try counselling? It sounds like you have some things to come to term with. Your debt really isn't that bad; I know lots of people with way more than that. And weight is fixable if that is important to you. But the most important thing is to find what makes you happy and what interests you, doesn't have to be anything spectacular; I enjoy going to the library and walking round my city taking photos (all free).