AIBU to ask what you’d do if you were me, as I am in a complete mess?

[Inacompletemess]

My life is in absolute chaos and I need help, but please be kind.

1. Money, I’m in debt up to my ears.

My take home pay is £2000

Rent - £450
Car finance - £270 (the agreement I have says I have to pay that whether I have the car or not, the car is needed for work so selling it isn’t sensible)
Loan - £280
Bills - £300
Car insurance - £75

In theory I should have around £600 left to play with. It soon goes on petrol and so on. Also, I have credit card debt of around £2000 and an overdraft of £700. Every month I am borrowing money from both to stay afloat. I’ve looked into getting a second job but it’s difficult as I already work full time.

1. Sad and lonely I’m chronically single. I’ve given up trying to meet someone to be honest. I regret not trying harder when I was younger. Most of my friends either married boyfriends they met at university or spent their twenties prioritising meeting someone. I stupidly didn’t do this and now I’m 38, alone and probably going to stay that way. I LOVE children and it really does hurt me so much to know I won’t have them.

1. Weight ... it’s fair to say this has never been easy for me. It’s probably why I’ve never met someone. I feel food is my only friend really - I don’t really have any friends any more and I only really look forward to eating, I managed to lose a stone about a month ago but have probably put it back on again in the last two weeks!

I am just feeling a bit desperate really. I wish more than anything I could rewind the last twenty years! But life doesn’t work that way of course.

I’m really not into dogs in any case, sorry.

I have signed up for my credit and it’s bad.

I am desperate for children, not to help with their homework or to contribute to the good of society, I just want a family, like a lot of people do.

@Inacompletemess Just so you know, my parents were 40 & 45 when I was born. I also know of 50yr olds who are having their first. We're living longer these days - you've got plenty of time and plenty of options. If you want to be a mummy you can be; either by starting a family or otherwise

I know people have already suggested parkrun but I would like to point out that walkers are very welcome and there is a volunteer role dedicated to being last so participants won’t be if that makes sense.

It’s a lovely start to the weekend - 5k in the fresh air with friendly people.

And that brings me on to my next point... my social life has been totally transformed by parkrun. I volunteer regularly and have made so many friends through both running and volunteering. It’s such a friendly thing to be a part of and it’s absolutely free. You just need to register and print off your barcode.

Please consider giving it a go... if you hate it you don’t have to go again 🙂 you only need some comfortable clothes and some walking trainers and you are good to go!

I know you are feeling overwhelmed right now and everything seems rubbish but I am actually excited for you because you have the real potential to improve and transform some areas of live for the better! And it is within your control. Do download Couch to 5k and give it a go! Anyone can do it, it is for complete beginners. I was fat and unfit when I started and it has actually changed my life for the better. I am slimmer now, my weight is stable for the first time ever, as I was a yo yo dieter before, and I feel better about myself. If I can do it, so can you. Also start walking a lot more. Any chance you get, opt to walk. Put on loud music and go for it. Check out Just Walk on You Tube as something really simple to try at home. Once you get into exercise, you will want to eat less. But what worked for me was giving up dairy and eggs. It cuts out loads of the crap and makes you make healthier choices. I genuinely believe if you can start exercising and lose some weight, you will feel loads better and your self esteem will help you achieve your other goals. Your debt is not that big, even though it feels like it. Take on a Saturday job for 6 months and sort it out. With no children (currently) you have the freedom to do a lot to focus on yourself. In terms of meeting someone, you are feeling negative so that might be impacting on that more than you realise. Just tell yourself tomorrow is the first day of your new life and go for it.

Inacompletemess what would you say is your top priority? Is it being with a partner and having kids or just having kids? Because some people do go it alone as single parents, some by adoption. I'm not recommending it but I know some people do.

I know italian but my finances make that impossible - I don’t even have my own place!

@Inacompletemess your finances aren’t so bad with some strict budgeting and some part time work you could be in a far better place soon.

There’s loads of great suggestions here but you have to take the step towards being happy. It’s scary leaving your comfort zone but you will be so glad you did. Please listen to some of the wonderful advice you have had.

I still couldn’t afford childcare and rent on one salary. That’s not me being negative it’s just practicalities.

You still have time to meet someone. You really do.

You can also go for that promotion or maybe move cities.

You are so much freer than your mindset is leading you to believe. I suspect you have loads more to offer than you see. Be kind to yourself

You have time to sort out your finances, your credit and to have children. If you do nothing then nothing will change. It's up to you op.

You can sort out your finance pretty quickly on 2k per month with the outgoings you listed. When you have paid the debt back, save the amount that you were paying on debt. You have done without it up to this point so continue to do without. Use this to sort out your housing.

Whilst you are paying for debt and then hopefully saving, sort out your weight.

The first thing however is book an appt to see your gp and get some anti depressants, also get on a waiting list for talking therapy. The anti depressants will kick in after a few weeks and hopefully give you the kick you need to sort out your finances and your weight.

Why post if you won't do anything anyway?

You have up to 10 years to still have kids depending on when you will go through menopause. 38 to 43 is quite a popular age to have a first child.

If you want children so desperately then you can find a way to have them.

Or choose to sit in your room sad for the next 40 years, it's your choice.

Sort out you short, mid and long term priorities,
and then your short, mid and long term goals.

Priorities should be to sort out your debt and see your GP for anti depressants.
Being in a good place to have a relationship and children is a long term goal.

Trust someone older than you when they say 38 is still relatively young, I wasn’t in a great place in life at that age but things did change-you still have time so don’t waste it.
Also I have recently got into slow cookers meals, get yourself one (cheap in Asda) and they are a great way to save money and control your eating as you’ll have food ready when you get from work and you’re less likely to eat something fattening.

Oh honey. You sound so sad. I'm so sorry. It's terribly hard to make changes (even small ones) when you are depressed, and you sound very depressed. I recognise my own depression in everything you are saying.

I know wait times for therapy on the NHS are long. But here is an NHS workbook on CBT that I have found very very helpful. It's free -- you can download it and start working through it today, right now. CBT is helpful for the kind of 'everything is terrible and always will be' depression you seem to be in.

www.hpft.nhs.uk/media/1184/cbt-workshop-booklet_web.pdf

Take care of yourself

So OP, now that 180 people have taken the time to give you advice, what steps have you decided to take first?

Oxford, I have to be honest here, I’m finding you so unhelpful. I’m feeling like I have to turn around and say ‘YES, I am going to ...’ when actually I’ve already said the thing I am going to do.

However, and this is the really important thing I am coming to understand, my life is a bit of a mess. It’s not as awful as it could be but it could so easily have been different and it’s not. And I feel like I can’t say that or talk about it largely because of your presence on here (not you personally but the nature and tone of your posts.)

I am finding the thread helpful but I don’t think I’m going to return to it as I’m really, really struggling to see anything positive or any kind of future and being pretty much forced into saying I am just isn’t helpful.

please don’t lose hope. Is there anyone you can turn to face to face? You mention friends .....it would help to talk to them just to even be able to have a cry and get it off your chest. You sound so depressed and I hate the thought of you going through this alone 😞. Have you got parents or family that could help? You may want to approach your bank. Contrary to public opinion of them, they can be sympathetic and may restructure your loan and Cc debt into a more affordable payment. Also, maybe speak to citizens advice bureau but be careful they don’t sent you to the voluntary bankruptcy route incase this may affect your job? Please please don’t go through this alone. Find someone to tell ....they might not be able to help financially but they would be able to check on you. Caring thoughts to you x

Hi OP,

I'm really sorry you're feeling so down.

It sounds like having the debt is preventing you from making any other positive changes as it's really weighing you down. I would as others have suggested contact CAB or Stepchange and bite the bullet to get your debt consolidated.

Do you have any hobbies or anything that interests you? Is there anything you were interested in at school? Could you have a look for local groups that you could get involved with? Or even just do it on your own at home? Might give you a bit of a confidence boost and start making you feel Good?

Diet wise, you sound like you had done amazingly well losing a stone, pick up where you left off and keep going. I know throwing money around isn't an option but could you give yourself a bit of a mini makeover to make yourself feel better?? Gwt your hair done (you could be a hair model and get it cut by a student for free), get your make up done in a store? Have a look on some chairs shops / Facebook groups for some clothes you like?

Might you be depressed? Feeling hopeless, poor motivation, eating for emotional reasons, lack of enjoyment in anything, negative cognitions, no energy/tired a lot seem to be evident in your posts and there are other symptoms that you may just not have mentioned. Talk to your GP and get some psychological therapies (through your employer?) and see if that helps you to feel better overall and more able to tackle the issues you are struggling with.

@Inacompletemess I’m sorry to say this but I truly think Oxford is spot on. Read the thread back, where have you said anything slightly positive/ proactive other than I’m going to get a second job and then proceed to explain why it won’t happen.

You asked for advice and people have given it but you don’t seem to be actually acting on any of it. Have you started monitoring your expenditure? Cutting out take aways etc? Have you looked at the credit cards people have suggested? Have you looked to see if any of your bills can be reduced?

You say walking isn’t making a difference, then you can’t be in calorie deficit. I know it’s easier said than done but the science behind it is that simple.

You don’t seem ready to make the changes you need to resolve these issues and I think your first task should be to consider what is actually stopping you. Is it mental health? Fear? Too big a challenge? Don’t know where to start? Too much advice you don’t know which to take?

I’m going to send you an unmumsnetty hug as I really suspect you need it!

Please read my posts back OP, for example the one at 12.03 where I have really taken the time to offer you detailed advice about your mindset and thought processes to try and help you, to take steps and move forward with your life and start to see the positives in yourself. So I actually find it quite dismissive and disrespectful of you to say that I've actively been unhelpful. I think the real issue is that you don't like the advice being given because it's challenging you. Dumpty is right there.

I agree that 100's of people have offered you helpful advice on this thread. I'm not saying you have to take the advice offered. It's your life and if you choose to stay in the same place that's your lookout. But please don't claim that I or the other posters haven't been trying to help.

OP, you sound really down and I would absolutely suggest making a GP appointment and having an assessment for depression. There is no shame in that and no shame is trying medication. However, I think you probably do need to tackle this first.

You can’t solve all your problems at once and you’ll make yourself even more unhappy if you try to do so.

I’d start with the debt. Can you cut up all your cards so not tempted to use them. Make the minimum payment on all of them as soon as you get paid, and at the end of the month if you have money left over pay off the card with the smallest balance and keep doing that until that one is cleared. This will then free up that monthly payment to go towards clearing the balance of the next lowest card more quickly.

To save money could you carpool on some or all days? If not bar work could you get a second job you can fit around your full time job - maybe take in ironing or a cleaning job? Or be an Uber driver at weekends? Sell any items you no longer need on eBay? Move to somewhere with cheaper rent?

Only when you feel you are more in control of the debt, would I suggest that you try to tackle the other issues. Maybe weight first and then social life? Only because it’s easy to overeat or drink too much if out socialising so give yourself a head start on getting that under control first?

If feeling overwhelmed consider calling Samaritans or does your work have any Employee Assistance Programme where you could access some counselling free of charge?

Good luck x

There is some very good advice on here - really informative and helpful and I think people have been very caring. Maybe read it back when you don't feel so overwhelmed. Getting a second job could be a fantastic way to meet people and dedicate all your earnings from that to paying your debt. Good luck.

Please can people not put pressure on the OP because she is tackling a lot and is engaging with comments. And, at the end of the day, she is the only one who can really implement any of this stuff.

OP Go at your own pace! XX

Huge @Inacompletemess sounds like your feeling abit down in the dumps.

Everything is attainable if we have the right mindset.

Could you speak to your doctor? You maybe a little depressed on top of everything too? It creates a tunnel vision where we can't see any hope or future. But the reality is that's only the depression talking. The debt, weight loss and meeting someone are all attainable goals which you can have work on. You just need some help.

Have you any family near by for support?