AIBU to ask what you’d do if you were me, as I am in a complete mess?

[Inacompletemess]

My life is in absolute chaos and I need help, but please be kind.

1. Money, I’m in debt up to my ears.

My take home pay is £2000

Rent - £450
Car finance - £270 (the agreement I have says I have to pay that whether I have the car or not, the car is needed for work so selling it isn’t sensible)
Loan - £280
Bills - £300
Car insurance - £75

In theory I should have around £600 left to play with. It soon goes on petrol and so on. Also, I have credit card debt of around £2000 and an overdraft of £700. Every month I am borrowing money from both to stay afloat. I’ve looked into getting a second job but it’s difficult as I already work full time.

1. Sad and lonely I’m chronically single. I’ve given up trying to meet someone to be honest. I regret not trying harder when I was younger. Most of my friends either married boyfriends they met at university or spent their twenties prioritising meeting someone. I stupidly didn’t do this and now I’m 38, alone and probably going to stay that way. I LOVE children and it really does hurt me so much to know I won’t have them.

1. Weight ... it’s fair to say this has never been easy for me. It’s probably why I’ve never met someone. I feel food is my only friend really - I don’t really have any friends any more and I only really look forward to eating, I managed to lose a stone about a month ago but have probably put it back on again in the last two weeks!

I am just feeling a bit desperate really. I wish more than anything I could rewind the last twenty years! But life doesn’t work that way of course.

I am considering a second job, probably not a pub though.

I’d give stepchange a call. They will ask you to do a very detailed income and expenditure form and they will contact the creditors to arrange suitable payments. For example they go through your expenditure and they find you have 20 pounds left disposable income and you have 10 creditors, they will each be paid £2 (not always the case some priority bills will be covered first for example council tax). You will only pay stepchange and then they will sort the rest.
Once you get away from chasing bills and start to feel better (and you will!) you can start to deal with how you’re feeling about yourself.
Don’t beat yourself up about the debt anymore but do start to take action.

1. Start walking, briskly, just round the block at first, don't over do it. (I lost 5 stones just walking on a treadmill in 1 year) But make sure you are out of breath.

1. Meal plan, cook it, freeze it, much cheaper and you control your portions.

1. Switch or renegotiate all your contracts, phone, broadband, gas, electric and car insurance etc. Get rid of tv licence, watch youtube. Join Topcashback or Quidco first and get cashback on all your switches.

1. See if you can get a zero interest creditcard and pay off as much as you can.

38 is not old at all.

Good luck

Ok so you need to get in control of life .First of all get your finances in order like others have said consolidate your debts
0% credit card set dd up to clear .
Exercise and diet start small walking 10 minutes on lunch break and after work . In fact dark evenings are better than light because no one can see you . I run and if I can run anyone can I put my headphones on and my trainers and I'm off . If I'm feeding down it's a great mood lifter you release endorphins please try it I promise you will feel better , the diet google slow cooker recipes that will save you loads to as you can have some the next day for lunch .
Someone else said don't waste money on takeaways / coffees eat out . Have a treat of a small bar if chocolate if you have done 30 minutes walk for example. Start small to keep it off if you restrict yourself too much you will put it back on .
Also please don't think yourself badly at 38 you could still meet someone and have a child I have 2 good friends who had a child in 40's , honestly it's a cliche but for someone to love you you need to love yourself. Be happy I wish you luck .

Hi Op, I don’t think you have ruined your life either but appreciate that you are struggling and in that space it’s overwhelming and so difficult to see wood for the trees.
Budgeting wise you may want to consider getting a Monzo card and using that to budget by transferring £150 per week. It’s also great as it uses a traffic light system to show if you are in budget, at risk of going over or definitely blowing it. It also takes money out in real time and text alerts you - so you stay conscious with your spending.
Re the weight thing, it seems that you are eating to replace what you truly feel - in that instance food is an illusion or smokescreen to what you really need to focus on. Have a read of “Eating in the light of the moon” by Anita Johnston - honestly one of the things that really helped. And as for romance - have you tried online dating - not sure if this is relevant or not but theirs a dating site called bbwcupid www.bbwcupid.com/
It’s a site for guys who find bigger women beautiful - so it’s a great way to get back on the dating scene and feel body positive as you make the changes and have positive attention towards yourself (and some leery attention which let’s face it is part and parcel of dating)
Hope-the above helps as does the excellent advice given by many. Please don’t give up and take care of yourself - you can do this :) one step at a time

I'd get an evening job in a pub/leisure industry. Earn more, be more active and meet people.

Hi OP

You sound really lovely -I’m sorry you are going through a hard time. 38 is very young in the scheme of things so you can make the next 50 years count- just don’t give up!

I and/or my family have been through a lot of the below and found the following helpful.

As others have said it’s easiest to tackle one thing at a time eg month by month and you will get there!

It will involve effort but it will be worth it - and there are lots of people who can help as below

Money

You have a good salary and your debt isn’t that significant compared to it - it just feels that way.

So be positive

1. Tomorrow Speak to money advisory service or step change - a debt charity with impartial advisors that can tell you your options. Eg interest free credit or speaking to lenders for payment holidays

1. It might be that consolidating your debt into one interest free loan or credit card is the best way to go - allowing you to pay back your debt in small manageable chunks (even if it’s £60 a month that is fine provided it’s interest free and it will eventually get paid). There are interest free credit cards listed on the money saving expert website and as above step change or MAS can advise

It’s worth working out now much you can spend on debt - see below

1. If you have spare cash then pay off your smallest loan first - it’s called the snowball method. By paying off your smallest debt that motivates you to continue!

1. As above Work through a budget using a spreadsheet, calculator or an app - what are your direct debits that you forget about, what is your necessary expenditure? How much do you have left for food?

How much do you have left to repay debt?

1. Meal plan if you don’t already - see below. Food can be quick, healthy, cheap and easy

Children

I think this is separate to being single.

1.38 is young in the scheme of things but yes not that young fertility wise .

2.I’m near your age and my friends who are still single have frozen their eggs, one has used a donor to have a baby as a single mum - it was the right decision for her and she doesn’t regret it. Another has managed to successfully adopt.

Would you consider these? You would be financially stable once your debt is sorted

The point is - if you want a child that much then there could be options that are worth exploring

Weight -

1. If you do want to lose weight then you need to commit to that. There are lots of ways as others have said:

1. Just walk more and be more active. Take the stairs instead of lift, get off bus one stop early or park a little further out. Just using your body more is a great start if the thought of running is terrifying (I get that I really do and felt the same only a few years ago but have since worked up to doing a five k).

Just being a little more active every day will help you feel more energised which in turn will motivate you more. You just need to take that first step (literally) and commit to wanting to lose weight.

You can walk at a park run and it’s a great way to exercise as well as meet people. Yes it’s terrifying but if you take the leap you might not regret it - and if you hate it just never do it again

1. Meal plan. Most supermarket websites have good ideas for meals you can make quickly - or try “lean in 15” or a tracker app like my fitness pal.

If you really want to commit you can try slimming world or weight watchers - they have online packages.

If you batch Cook in the weekend, and/or do a quick stir fry you should be able to eat healthy quick meals.

1. Do easy swaps that won’t impact you much - eg Diet Coke rather than coke, or even sparkling water, pop corn rather than crisps, low fat items rather than full fat. Just one thing at a time

Friends/social

Where abouts do you live - perhaps someone on here can find or recommend a few good groups. Eventually you may be able to walk or run a park run which would be great fun!

Also it may be worth speaking to the GP to check you don’t have depression.

Single

1.If you want to date or company then there are ways to get this - match or a dating app is your best bet. It’s hard going as you might not always match - but everyone who dates knocks back and gets knocked back - it’s just a way to filter out the ones who aren’t right

Anyway there is a way to do this if you want to.

Feeling more confident physically and being more financially stable might help you to date more comfortably

But yes There is a risk that you might not have the time left to meet someone ANd have children with them so there could be other options for having children as above if that is your biggest priority

I think you need to start by being kinder to yourself OP.
You’ll never get out of a rut if your mentality keeps you in there.

You've been given lots of good ideas in this thread already. Can I ask why you are so opposed to getting a job in a bar? It's a sociable job and an effortless way to meet people, and the extra money can go towards your debts.

You sound a bit defeatist - you're 38, not 48, meeting someone and having a family of your own isn't impossible.

Meal plan, and only buy what's on your list. Aim to walk every day - use your lunch break and buy a pedometer. When you're feeling fitter and happier in yourself, take up zumba or some kind of dance exercise class, it's fun and again, sociable.

You say you don't have friends, what happened to the friends you used to have? Can you reconnect with them?

• Weekend or evening job?
• Walk more? Save petrol, lose weight
• Cook from scratch: save money, control diet
• Batch cook: cook meals in advance - no takeaways, save money, control diet

Good luck.

It's really tough financially being single. I don't think married/coupled up people realise just how much more expensive it is.

Try to move your credit card debt over to a new interest free for one.
Don’t spend a penny without recording what you are buying so you can see where you are wasting money.
After a month of recording every penny you will have an idea on where your cash is being spent and unless it is essential spending like a bill or petrol for work then stop or reduce that spend. Use this saving to start to pay off your debt.

How much weight have you to lose to get down to a healthy weight? Are we talking a stone or two or significantly more?
Do you have any friends you might join you going to weight watchers or the like, swimming or even just a daily walk?
Meal plan healthy low fat meals, stop snacking (if you do) and only eat what is on your diet plan. Make an appointment with your doctor or practise nurse as they will be able to look at your diet and give areas that need to change and help set you achievable targets for you.

Your life won’t improve overnight but if you can start to make changes that hopefully will not only improve your health but make you happier.

Car-guilt is your fundamental worry I think. It's the connecting factor I notice within the OP.

I know you need the car. But you can make little adjustments that reduce the car-guilt and the weight-intractability. Worry about single later.

I don’t think I have any friends at all, to be honest.

I keep trying to lose weight but then I stick to it for a while and end up succumbing.

I am looking into weekend work but it is hard because so many require experience (assuming you aren’t a 17 year old at college.)

I don’t know that I really worry about single, it’s just sort of how things are, but it does mean when I think of my long term happiness, I can’t see it happening. It’s always just going to be struggling on a lonely existence.

Could you do babysitting? Would be something to do on a Friday or saturday night but not actually very taxing if you can sleep in the next day and decent money.

Just a thought - I know you work full time and feel that that is enough. Would it be possible to get some bar work on 1 - 2 - 3 evenings a week? You can use it as a social life and save ever penny (including tips} and this would make a regular amount of extra money to build on. Hope this might help.

Step change could help
Dating site?
Sperm donations?
Natalie imbroglia ,used a sperm donor
You’ve time for everything you want

OP re: your weight I think posts telling you to eat healthier are too simplistic if you’re an emotional eater with lots to lose. It’s bloody tough! My DSis is in the same boat and went to see her GP, who signposted her to free sessions with an eating counsellor, they are really helping.

Just a thought anyway. You sound fabulous and I hope you start to believe it soon

Hi OP,

Apologies if this has already been mentioned but you could search to see if there is a CAP (Christians against Poverty) money management course in your area. There is no religious element to it, apart from it's usually in a church hall, it's just Christians trying to do some good in their local community. I'm not Christian but I went.

The people who run it are properly trained and once you start you have access to online tools. It really takes you back to basics and teaches you how best to budget for big outgoings like yearly car service alongside suprise outgoings like broken boiler.

I think it ran for 3 or 4 weeks 7pm-9pm but lots of people had to miss an odd session because of other commitments. I found it helped because everyone kept saying 'keep a spending diary' , 'do a detailed budget' but I couldn't because I was so emotionally low that it all felt pointless and I felt useless. Being accountable really made me do it and I'm now completely debt free and have savings.

One of the best things I did was get rid of my TV liscence and save the 13 pound every month. I also sold my TV. I did it because I was desperate and realised that unlike gas/electric it wasn't essential. However the bigger impact was on my mental health. I started loaning books for free out of the library and used found meetup groups who do little evening walks. 3 years later and even though I could afford it easily I honestly don't miss it one bit. I can watch catch up (apart from BBC) on my phone if I want to but v.rarely do.

I hope you fimd something that wprks for you and start to feel better soon

*the course was 1 night per week (so three or 4 sessions in total)

What do you do with £600 that’s left over, that’s a lot for a single person. I’m sure u can squeeze 300 of that every month- your debt of £2000 would be cleared in 8 or so months.
You’re doing better than you think...

1. Lots of tips here about debt, I echo to write down everything you spend. Every last penny.

1. Sad and Lonely: volunteer!! So many groups need volunteers. 90% of my human contact is work or volunteering (just back from a PTA mtg). If you want to meet blokes, volunteer in an especially blokey environment (local football club?). Oh and country dance... seriously, meet blokes & even get to hold hands with them. Geeks welcome. Everything to like.

1. I would just try each day to eat lots of veg, seriously. Don't focus on your weight for now. One day at a Time.

Inacompletemess

Sorry if this may sound a bit harsh but i'm wondering to add to the greif if your possibly suffering from mild depression I don't think you'll do far wrong just talking to your GP?

Credit cards are the very spawn of Satan cut the damm thing up for now and see if anyone can do you a loan at a much lower intresrt rate and get that debt gone!

See if you can join a voulntry group of some knid ior as you say another job the pub idea isnt a bad one a young fried of min met the love of her life that way :)

Also you income isnt that bad just need to keep tabs on the spending and budget and keep to it!.

Sorry re the weight issue, come and join the Justaboy club here! I really must loose some, its an obscene figure but my housekeeper is such a good cook and I do appricate her efforts, problem is she makes me too much and I have to eat it;)

Well thats my excuse anyway.

Bes of luck and I do hope things impove for you, and 38 is no age at all!

@Inacompletemess - you’re 38! That is young, you daft mare.

You could be 48, 58, 68, 78 - did you know that marathon runner Fauja Singh didn’t take up running competitively until he was 89?

You have lots of time. Don’t waste it being negative.

Set up a separate account for spending. Use a spreadsheet with a new tab for each month documenting take home and bills. Mark them as paid as the DD goes out. Calculate your excess amount and move it to the spending account with some put in savings that's dipped into if you need to.

Document how much you spend each day and see how much is needed.

Food shop online so you don't buy things you don't need.

Online dating or enlarge your social circle.

Plant based diets are great for weight and health. Or lean meat and veg.

Join a gym. Follow trainers on Instagram who upload workouts and copy them. You'll start to feel better about yourself.

You can do it