WIBU to miss BIL wedding in Scotland?

[NameChange9182]

I’m a regular poster (penis beaker, softzilla etc) but have name-changed as I’m worried SIL is on here.

BIL (DH’s brother) and SIL have just announced they are getting married in Scotland next year in the Highlands. The area is important to them as they visit every year to go hiking etc and they have loose, distant family heritage connections to the area. However they have never lived in Scotland and none of their living relatives or any of their friends live up there (we mostly live in London or are scattered across the south).

The problem for us with getting there is that it’s not possible to just travel up on the day and get there in time for the ceremony, so you have to travel up the day before. The wedding is on a Saturday but is during term time and DH is a teacher so can’t take the day off, so that means not leaving until around 4pm on the Friday.

Apparently other guests who are teachers are either getting the sleeper train that night to arrive the next morning, are flying up to Edinburgh after school and then hiring a car to drive the rest of the way that night, or are staying in Edinburgh for the night and then getting a train for the last bit on the saturday morning. None of those options would really work for us as we have two young children (DS will be 3 and DD will be 11 months) - they really need their sleep routine (I’m not being precious, they will genuinely be horrors at the wedding the next day if they haven’t slept) and all 3 options would mean keeping them up way past their bedtime.

I think BIL and SIL think they are being accommodating as they have researched and told us all the travel options and have also said they “don’t mind” if we’re not able to bring the kids (but have also asked DS to be page boy if he does come?!) I don’t feel able to leave them for two nights, even with my parents. They are fine looking after DS for a day but they’re not in the best of health and he’s a handful at the best of times, without adding the baby too!

So my suggestion is that DH goes alone on the sleeper train and I stay at home with the kids. Although tbh I’d be upset to miss it and I think BIL and SIL would be quite offended (most of their friends don’t have kids so I think they just don’t get it!). Overall I’m just pissed off that they’ve chosen somewhere so difficult to get to for all of their guests and haven’t made sure that it works for close family before choosing it. Just feels like we haven’t been considered properly and they don’t really care if our kids are there or not but will be offended if DH and I aren’t there.

WIBU to say it’s too difficult for me to go, either with or without the kids?

This wedding would be a faff to get to for one anyone. Train to Edinburgh then a hotel then another train of a few hours in the morning and possibly long taxi drive at other end (is there even a nearby hotel for the Saturday evening). I'd find it an expensive faff and we're just 2 adults.
I'd do the least cost route. Fly with husband after work Friday to as close as you can get so you don't have hassle of kids alone and only a short trip the next morning.
If kids are grizzly at wedding so be it. You skip evening do anyway as kids will need to be in bed.

You do have options here which you've admitted yourself!

a) you travel with the DC to your PIL (presumably a bit of a shorter journey) and go up with them. Have a few days up there as a holiday

b) you ask your DH's sister. You say you're not close, but you're all family, going to the same family wedding! They might be delighted to be asked to help you out

c) DH asks for Friday (or Friday afternoon) off. It's not like the wedding is next week so he's springing a surprise on his head - presumably the head could plan around this? Or does DH think that a wedding isn't sufficiently high priority to ask for time off?

d) you all get a flight up on Friday evening. Yes, you have to find your way to the airport, but the flights are very short and if there are two of you, you can keep the children entertained for that length of time.

You seem hellbent on making this a chore and something difficult rather than an exciting challenge.

Couldn't you fly the day of the wedding? I flew to Inverness in sept took about an hour then drove to near wick took about 2 hours. I know with little ones it's a pain but I would for a wedding

I would go. Travel would be annoying but for close family wedding I would make it work.

I do agree it is an annoying location that will require an effort to get to, however, I am also in the camp of go earlier with the DC, the buggy and one rucksack of luggage with DH bringing the rest. It isn't that tricky.

Those that say it isn't stressful do not have babies, or have never flown with one that is teething/not sleeping.

The view may be polarised due to experience op. I have flown with young children alone, and I was very prepared and it was still hideous. One was sick all over the passenger sitting next to me, and the other spent the entire time kicking the seat in front. We were out of routine, and it showed. By the time we all made it to the wedding, I was exhausted, burnt out, resentful and wishing I was anywhere else. The wedding itself was not worth it at all. DONT DO IT!!

They can have their Highland wedding of course, but not at the expense of all their guests. Totally U to expect it of anyone to foot the expense and exhaustion of such a long trip.

Exactly. Just driving up the A34 when DD was potty training and having to stop at every single layby because she said she needed a wee was a fucking chore that I don't wish to repeat.

I guess I just know from my own experience that if we manage to make it work, this is not going to be a fun trip for us however we do it and I’m really disappointed about that.

Its not going to be a fun trip because you already assumed it's not going to be a fun trip.
Just like you already assumed you husbands head will be annoyed for asking a day off for a brothers wedding. And you assumed asking to travel with your SIL will be asking a big favour.

Who cares is the head will be annoyed for being asked? Let him be annoyed and see what the answer is. If its a no then go from there, but it might be a yes! Just assuming won't get you anywhere in life. Tell you husband to go in tomorrow and ask, find out the answer and at least you know what you have to work with.

If he really cant take the Friday of then talk to other people near you that are going. My wedding was a destination for a large part of my side and a group of about 12 people organised themselves to travel together. That way it was cheaper and they could help the few who's english wasn't good or had kids. Some of these people did not even know each other but they all had a great time traveling together.

Instead of assuming you will just be an inconvenience to people who might help you just put your organisers hat on and start asking around. You might be able to get a train discount if you book as a group or a flight discount. It might be cheaper to rent a taxi van from the airport/train station than hire three or four cars.

Also my MIL's boyfriend had a heart attack a month or so before the wedding so he was unable to drive. My MIL does not drive. The wedding was a 2 1/2 hour drive from their house. So they put out an ask if there was anyone passing them to the wedding that might give them a ride. several people offer. A friend of ours picked them up from their way from the airport to the wedding and a family friend drove them back two days latter. People like to help but you have to ask. Don't wait for people to offer because they cant see the troubles you're having.

On an other note. We also had a Nanny service at our wedding and all the guests with kids loved it. The kids had so much fun and the parents where able to have dinner in peace and sit and talk with other adults. Not that you have to use it but I would recommend it to anyone who is planning a wedding, some of the best money I spent.

I get why you're nervous about the journey - you haven't done it before so it's understandable. And yes, you probably won't get enough sleep for a few days! But your children will be older and it could be a lovely adventure for them.

If it was me, I would pick the train option over the plane because you can move about, spread out a bit more and easily get to the loo. Your DH can bring the suitcases later (or could your in laws take some of your bags when they go earlier in the week?), so you can take the buggy and a few bags of snacks and activities on the buggy. Three year olds love trains so it might be easier and more fun than you think!

It's his brother and unless there are huge family issues I think you should make the effort to go.

I completely understand the issues travelling with small children but it should be manageable if you are well prepared and give it enough time. If you flew up with the kids a day or two before then you should be able to get them settled in time for the wedding.

I've flown alone with a baby & lively 3yr old DS & 6 yr old DS before and people were ever so helpful in the airport and on the plane.

It’s not going to be a fun trip because you already assumed it's not going to be a fun trip.

I rather think the OP knows how she feels about travelling with a 3 year old + 11 month old. Why do you care so much? She’s entitled to her own feelings about her own life.

Just driving up the A34 when DD was potty training and having to stop at every single layby because she said she needed a wee was a fucking chore that I don't wish to repeat.

each to their own.
When I travelled, alone, when one of mine started potty training. I just took my pottete and put a nappy on. Drama involved: none.

(I did read the various advice and opinion, but none of mine were ever affected by having a nappy back on when absolutely necessary. Life is only as hard as you make it.)

Op, you’ve had a hard time on this thread. I think your DH has to ask for the time off before you make any further decisions about travel arrangements or childcare. If he can’t take the Friday off you need to make a decision and stick to it. If it means you decide not to go, you have to explain the problems to your BIL and apologise for not going. It’s possible that DH’s family will suddenly be really helpful and offer to travel with you, if they want you to be at the wedding.

I know this is mumsnet and everyone is going to pile in saying they regularly take flights to Australia on their own with 4 children under 5 etc, but there is no way I would have flown with a boisterous 3 year old and an 11 month old! Young children are often sick, spill drinks, cry non-stop, get grumpy, refuse to sit still or sleep on flights or trains. It will be a shame to miss the wedding but YANBU

To be honest, If I had to travel on my own with 2 little children for 8 hours on train (or by plane) I would do on Thursday, as I would like to recover for a bit before the wedding, and settled children so I could actually enjoy the wedding and be there for my family otherwise I will be cranky and in a mood and accidentally ruin the celebration etc .

I think you’re being given a bit of a hard time here OP. Yes, I get that your DH might not want to ask for the time off. It’s lovely that so many teachers have been able to get term off time off in term time, but that is not the reality for some, and I totally get that you might piss them off by asking. I also would not want to do this journey on my own. It would be bloody exhausting. I would also consider staying home. It would not be fun for us or the children, not a nice family celebration at all. I had a a destination wedding in Cornwall, and we understood that it meant some people might not be able to come, and that was totally fine. We were doing something for us. Having said that, we did consider the ability of close family to attend. It would have been nice if they could have booked it in school holidays to make it easier for your DP. We wanted people to be able to make a bit of a holiday if it if they wanted, so it was in the school holidays, so people could have time either side. Maybe it’s just me, but I wanted my guests to have an enjoyable and relaxing time, rather than a stressful and exhausting one. I think your suggestion of staying home and DP going up is completely reasonable. The couple will be very unreasonable if they are offended. We sometimes miss family parties and DH goes on his own if it doesn’t work for us as a family. Family understand this it’s hard traveling with a toddler, no matter how much some people here minimize it.

Why do you care so much? She’s entitled to her own feelings about her own life.

I don't think anyone actually care as such. They only replying to the OP who started the thread!

Thinking about it took dd1 age 11 months to Paris on the Eurostar on my own on a whim. It was abit mad but great fun. I stuck her in a luggage rack while I folded her buggy it was fine for a one off. People are very helpful I found

It depends where the OP lives. For me, it would take 14 hours by train to Inverness. I could get to Brussels faster.

I suppose, @TatianaLarina, we care because the OP claims that she wants to go! Yet seems to be putting all manner of obstacles in the way.

Helluva drive from Edinburgh (even without children). I think it's acceptable not to go (I was in a similar situation myself a few years ago). Highlands is a fabulous holiday destination so if you do go it would be lovely to see some scenery too!

It’s not going to be a fun trip because you already assumed it's not going to be a fun trip.

I think this is hugely accurate. You have already built up in your mind that its going to be too much fuss and therefore you and the children wont enjoy it. I appreciate it might seem daunting now but you have months to prepare and make arrangements.

Your children will be entirely different people by next year and I would imagine that by the time the wedding actually rolls around you will be wondering why you thought it was such a huge fuss.

It's easy to get stressed in advance about the thought of doing this stuff, but I agree with the others who say once you do it, it won't be anywhere near as traumatic as you think. You really are in worst case scenario mode.

It's your husband's brother. Of course you have to go. Would you tell your husband he didn't have to go to your sibling's wedding with you?

Weddings with small children are horrendous anyway, add to that travel and cost - no way.
i didn’t go to my cousins wedding for similar reasons (my complete family consists of 5 people, so a cousin is very close family). i learned from attending my BILs wedding- never again.
you‘ll spend all day to keep the kids quiet, in a very child unfriendly environment full of breakable, interesting things.
in the evening you will be stuck in a darkish hotel room while everybody else is having fun.
you’ll be ready for a holiday afterwards, but the costs (with edinburgh prices thrown in) will mean you won’t get a holiday in this year. no way

OP I once drove 8 hours to Scotland with a 4 and 2year old. I just had to prepare. It is doable.
I also think, regardless of how the head would feel, your DH needs to suck it up and ask! It's a FAMILY wedding. I was terrified to ask for 2 days off (destination wedding) but I knew there was absolutely no way I could miss it. I went and verbally asked and then put it formally in an email. I took it unpaid. A few months later, another teacher did the same. Sorry to be blunt but he wouldn't think twice if it were a funeral. Weddings should be celebrated and I don't think I could be with someone who didn't value their brother and self worth enough to even ask for a day off for his BROTHERS wedding. And trust me- I'm the biggest wimp ever but I had to suck it up and just ask. The earlier the better IMO

I am surprised that quite a few posters think OP is being unreasonable in not wanting to go.
Yes, it seams that quite a few are happy to take two young children on long journeys without a thought, and these posters would clearly be able to organise their schedule accordingly.
However, the thought of doing this with 2 young children would cause me so much stress and anxiety beforehand, that even if it actually worked OK, the whole thing would be days of stress for me.
So this is the point. We cannot control which things cause us stress.
I have seen others take things in their stride, which I would baulk at, yet be unable to do things that I can manage easily.
A lot of advice is for the DH to travel separately, leaving the OP to travel on her own with young children! Maybe the OP is not used to travelling long distances with 2 very young children on her own.
We do not know exactly how far the detsination is, or how remote, or how easily it would be to get supplies.
I am thinking of nappies, baby food, etc. There is so much one has to take with young children, and of course their favourite toys, and whatever items are required to get them to sleep.

Where in the Highlands is a really key question. It's a big place - I literally had no idea just how big until I married a man from Skye who liked going home a couple of times a year. The distances are massive, even from Glasgow.

Argyll & Bute - YAB a bit U.
Portree - YANBU.