WIBU to miss BIL wedding in Scotland?

[NameChange9182]

I’m a regular poster (penis beaker, softzilla etc) but have name-changed as I’m worried SIL is on here.

BIL (DH’s brother) and SIL have just announced they are getting married in Scotland next year in the Highlands. The area is important to them as they visit every year to go hiking etc and they have loose, distant family heritage connections to the area. However they have never lived in Scotland and none of their living relatives or any of their friends live up there (we mostly live in London or are scattered across the south).

The problem for us with getting there is that it’s not possible to just travel up on the day and get there in time for the ceremony, so you have to travel up the day before. The wedding is on a Saturday but is during term time and DH is a teacher so can’t take the day off, so that means not leaving until around 4pm on the Friday.

Apparently other guests who are teachers are either getting the sleeper train that night to arrive the next morning, are flying up to Edinburgh after school and then hiring a car to drive the rest of the way that night, or are staying in Edinburgh for the night and then getting a train for the last bit on the saturday morning. None of those options would really work for us as we have two young children (DS will be 3 and DD will be 11 months) - they really need their sleep routine (I’m not being precious, they will genuinely be horrors at the wedding the next day if they haven’t slept) and all 3 options would mean keeping them up way past their bedtime.

I think BIL and SIL think they are being accommodating as they have researched and told us all the travel options and have also said they “don’t mind” if we’re not able to bring the kids (but have also asked DS to be page boy if he does come?!) I don’t feel able to leave them for two nights, even with my parents. They are fine looking after DS for a day but they’re not in the best of health and he’s a handful at the best of times, without adding the baby too!

So my suggestion is that DH goes alone on the sleeper train and I stay at home with the kids. Although tbh I’d be upset to miss it and I think BIL and SIL would be quite offended (most of their friends don’t have kids so I think they just don’t get it!). Overall I’m just pissed off that they’ve chosen somewhere so difficult to get to for all of their guests and haven’t made sure that it works for close family before choosing it. Just feels like we haven’t been considered properly and they don’t really care if our kids are there or not but will be offended if DH and I aren’t there.

WIBU to say it’s too difficult for me to go, either with or without the kids?

Me too. Seems to be an outbreak of bridezillas.

nice try to be goady, but no, it's not that.

It makes no difference to "travel" or to have the kids on your own for the day! Don't tell me posters who are panicking about it all stay at home until their partner comes and rescue them. I don't believe anyone lives like that - unless there's a horrible history of abuse.

I guess I just know from my own experience that if we manage to make it work, this is not going to be a fun trip for us however we do it and I’m really disappointed about that

This just says it all!! You really don’t want to see it as anything but a chore OP!! 🙄

That lassie is going to have 2 shit nights' sleep and 2 long, unpleasant journeys

It's Scotland, not Mordor. The journey could be a quick and very pleasant flight.....

OP how is the train journey 8 hours? And why do you feel you cannot cope with your own two DC, who will be up to a year older by the time of the wedding, on a short flight? DH can bring the bulk of the luggage later.

I am pretty shocked at the posters who are unable to complete simple journeys with their DC. I guess it explains why so many stay in such shit relationships!

You could make it a fun trip if you wanted to. An hour flight isn't that long, and there's lots of fun things for children in Edinburgh, for example. You could wander around for a bit, go on a tram to a hotel, have a fun afternoon there, not even need luggage. You could go fairly early in the morning, and then have time to chill in the hotel and go out for an enjoyable afternoon. DH brings luggage and meets you later, and you'd all be flying home together, maybe even take some of Sunday to enjoy Scotland too.

I try to take the train these days but have flown in the past, and it's an easy flight, nice small airport in Edinburgh, easy tram/bus right into the centre, could be exciting for the 3-year old.

You sound like you really don't want to go and are deciding in advance that it will be awful. What if it was someone you actually liked? I bet you'd go, and look forward to it.

@NameChange9182 you never know, maybe your husband could actually ask the question and get authorised leave and it'll all be ok

Have I missed this - where is the wedding venue and where does OP live.

We have family in Inverness and regularly travel up from Manchester, Edinburgh is half way, Inverness is a other 3 hours up the A9.

I genuinely don't know anyone who could have a local wedding involving no travel for anyone, with 2 people from the same village getting marrying to each other and having their entire family and friends in said village

Well, Glasgow's not a village - the dating pool is a bit larger . Genuinely, all of my extended family except me and one cousin still live there, so we could do it fine. Obviously ifthe bride and groom's families are scattered then people are going to have to travel - but that's not even the issue here is it, people being geographically separated? The issue is that the north of Scotland is very far away for any of them! The OP has said in her update that she could have easily made it to a wedding anywhere in the south east - presumably that's where the family are all dotted about. If the couple's priority was having everyone come, they could have found a venue down there. Of course they absolutely shouldn't feel that they needed to do that. But equally they should accept with good grace if it means some of their guests turn them down. Does it not even strike you as a little bit cheeky to ask a mother of two toddlers to do two days' travel out of three with them, alone, because, what... you want to say hello to them briefly on your wedding day?

I would encourage your husband to ask the head for the Friday off. I’m a teacher abd have had 3 fridays off in the past 5 years for weddings - one close family, one a cousin and one a friend. And they were all paid!! I went in expecting a no but was pleasantly surprised when the head (2 different ones) said yes.

I’ve also flown to 2 Scottish weddings after school on a Friday. It was tiring - yes the flight is only an hour but there the drive to the airport, parking, waiting at the airport, plus the drive at the other end. Fine as a couple, I wouldn’t even think about it now I have a baby let alone with a toddler in tow as well.

bluebeck I have actually done that trip once or twice with toddlers, as I am from Glasgow, and I used to live in London. It takes about 8 hours to get from London to Inverness, Aberdeen or Fort William by train. People kind of forget how long Scotland is - you've still got about 100 miles to go when you get to Glasgow or Edinburgh and neither the trains nor the roads are very fast.

Could you travel with any other guests? There must be plenty of non teachers going up earlier. What about your inlaws?

We had a similar issue with a wedding in NI this summer. Dh had a presentation that he couldn't get out of on the friday and I didn't want to arrive late friday night/early saturday morning with cranky monsters so me and our children (4 and 1) got the ferry with my Sils and then he just flew in after work.

it's totally fine if you don't want to go

I think as long as they don't get annoyed with you for not going...! It is mad when people choose a PITA location and then get annoyed.

You're being difficult, OP.

It's Scotland, not Mordor.

bahahahaha

Whilst you're under no obligation to go to a destination wedding, I think many people would be pretty fed up if close family didn't come when it's a relatively short distance and within the same country. You haven't said where either you or the wedding are - which would probably make it a bit easier for people to actually suggest practical options. But I'd echo the various suggestions made upthread:

1. DH asks for Friday off, even Friday afternoon
2. You fly earlier with just kids, buggy and a decent sized rucksack with stuff for the kids/PJs etc. DH meets you somewhere - probably Edinburgh - later that night and he brings the proper suitcase. Or he gets the sleeper and meets you at the hotel early the next morning if flight times don't work.
3. You arrange to be on the same flight as family and ask them to help you with luggage.

At the moment it sounds like you are making excuses. Which you are entitled to do, but you can't be surprised if they are upset. Refusing a wedding overseas which will cost thousands in travel, require a week off work etc is one thing. Refusing to take a 1hr ish flight is different

where in Scotland is the wedding? PM me if you dont want to post it on here. I'm Scottish and I might have a few travel or accomodation suggestions.

But equally they should accept with good grace if it means some of their guests turn them down.

first of all the bride and groom haven't said anything at all, just offered various solutions!

Does it not even strike you as a little bit cheeky to ask a mother of two toddlers to do two days' travel out of three with them, alone
no, why should it? no one has ASKED her to do anything, people have just made suggestions. She could very well travel with her husband, just seems a lot easier and more pleasant to go with the kids first, but that's only one suggestion among many.

It really doesn't sound like a big deal at all! It's next year, it's Scotland - presumably before the next referendum , I honestly cannot understand the grief.

The OP has decided she is against the wedding and making a list of all the negatives. The other way to look at it would have been to say "yes of course, HOW to travel the best possible way for the family".

The wedding may as well be in Mongolia as far as op is concerned, because it is still going to cost a great deal of money, time and effort. Not to mention the sheer stress of travelling alone with young children.

Those that say it isn't stressful do not have babies, or have never flown with one that is teething/not sleeping.

The view may be polarised due to experience op. I have flown with young children alone, and I was very prepared and it was still hideous. One was sick all over the passenger sitting next to me, and the other spent the entire time kicking the seat in front. We were out of routine, and it showed. By the time we all made it to the wedding, I was exhausted, burnt out, resentful and wishing I was anywhere else. The wedding itself was not worth it at all. DONT DO IT!!

They can have their Highland wedding of course, but not at the expense of all their guests. Totally U to expect it of anyone to foot the expense and exhaustion of such a long trip.

Can you not ask your BIL and SIL to change the destination and date to coincide with your plans?
Seriously though, there are many options you can take and it does seem cost isn't a factor.
You are making it difficult and to be honest your poor DD will miss out on being a page boy.
I am not sure what excuse you could give for not turning up that actually stands up.

I don't understand why people hate their own families so much, and begrudge any inconvenience, even on the most important day of their lives so far. I would be nothing but happy and excited for someone in my family in this occasion. Yes it's not easy travelling alone with kids, but suck it up!

Also for those saying I wanted them to plan the day around our DC - not at all. Any venue at all in the SE of England or the midlands would have meant we could have gone up on the morning and had an enjoyable time. Plus our kids are their only niece and nephew, DH is the groom’s brother and they do get on, so yes I did expect them to at least consider whether they would be able to come.

You do want them to plan around your dc.

You want then to have the wedding somewhere you can easily travel to. Rather than where they want. Because you have kids.

When we got married it was a trek for most of our guests (I relocated with husband and am 4-5 hours away from most of my family and friends. Even for work it's 1.5 hrs) - however we also made it clear in our invites that we did not expect anyone who had small children, limited annual leave or any difficulties or hesitation about practicalities to attend. As nice as it is to have everyone, it's not practical. Too many bridezillas out. They will be married with or without you and on the day you won't get much chance to talk to them anyway. Do what's best for you and your kids.

You don't have to make the decision as a family unit - you're not The Borg. Your DH can catch the train up and stay over for the night, while you stay home with the kids.

this is not going to be a fun trip for us however we do it

Sorry to sound harsh, but you're totally missing the point that this is their wedding day. It's not about you.

Sometimes you have to put yourself out for family; what does your DH want to do? It's far enough in advance that he can request the time off.

If he gets the time off, will you go? It's his brother!

"Sorry to sound harsh, but you're totally missing the point that this is their wedding day. It's not about you."

um...they don't need OP around to get married. It's not about her, it's about them, so they can have the day where they like, but they can't complain when it's too far for some people.