WIBU to miss BIL wedding in Scotland?

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I’m a regular poster (penis beaker, softzilla etc) but have name-changed as I’m worried SIL is on here.

BIL (DH’s brother) and SIL have just announced they are getting married in Scotland next year in the Highlands. The area is important to them as they visit every year to go hiking etc and they have loose, distant family heritage connections to the area. However they have never lived in Scotland and none of their living relatives or any of their friends live up there (we mostly live in London or are scattered across the south).

The problem for us with getting there is that it’s not possible to just travel up on the day and get there in time for the ceremony, so you have to travel up the day before. The wedding is on a Saturday but is during term time and DH is a teacher so can’t take the day off, so that means not leaving until around 4pm on the Friday.

Apparently other guests who are teachers are either getting the sleeper train that night to arrive the next morning, are flying up to Edinburgh after school and then hiring a car to drive the rest of the way that night, or are staying in Edinburgh for the night and then getting a train for the last bit on the saturday morning. None of those options would really work for us as we have two young children (DS will be 3 and DD will be 11 months) - they really need their sleep routine (I’m not being precious, they will genuinely be horrors at the wedding the next day if they haven’t slept) and all 3 options would mean keeping them up way past their bedtime.

I think BIL and SIL think they are being accommodating as they have researched and told us all the travel options and have also said they “don’t mind” if we’re not able to bring the kids (but have also asked DS to be page boy if he does come?!) I don’t feel able to leave them for two nights, even with my parents. They are fine looking after DS for a day but they’re not in the best of health and he’s a handful at the best of times, without adding the baby too!

So my suggestion is that DH goes alone on the sleeper train and I stay at home with the kids. Although tbh I’d be upset to miss it and I think BIL and SIL would be quite offended (most of their friends don’t have kids so I think they just don’t get it!). Overall I’m just pissed off that they’ve chosen somewhere so difficult to get to for all of their guests and haven’t made sure that it works for close family before choosing it. Just feels like we haven’t been considered properly and they don’t really care if our kids are there or not but will be offended if DH and I aren’t there.

WIBU to say it’s too difficult for me to go, either with or without the kids?

I would make the effort.

I would fly up Friday am with the kids and check into a hotel - you could even stay at the Airport, Edinburgh airport is smallish and the Hilton Doubletree is very close to the terminal - so you are literally hopping on and off a 1 hr flight and dumping your stuff. From Edinburgh airport there are direct buses and the trams into Edinburgh so take the kids to the national museum or the zoo to tire them out.

DH (with luggage) gets first available flight after work and is with you by 7ish. Get hire car with booked child seats (from airport) and drive the rest of the way Saturday am.

Straight back to the airport to leave hire car and get flight on Sunday. You will all be exhausted but it would be worth the effort for us.

Let’s summarise:

• wedding is in term time, husband is a teacher. BIL must have been aware of this, still booked the date.
• option 1: they all go late friday evening (and return sunday), with 2 small kids, flight, car hire, loads of travel. its going to be hell for everybody involved, including bride and groom.
• option 2: mum and kids go early , husband comes later. this one is possible, but stressful and really expensive. If op isn’t seasoned traveler, she’ll need support (i’ve done these sorts of trips, but i travel a lot)

-option 3: husband goes on his own. the most sensible approach

Sounds way more trouble than it’s worth you’ll put yourself through that only for your kids to act up and you’ll end up out on a limb In another room so they don’t spoil anything you’d be mad to go

You are making a lot of excuses as to why you can't go which makes me think you simply don't want to go. Lots of people do long journeys with two small children, people will help you along the way if you let them so you shouldn't be put off by the journey.

By having a destination wedding, they know that some people won't be able to come. But I think brothers and spouses should make the effort. Is there someone else you could travel up with?

Ultimately thought, it depends where it is really - if it is like Aviemore or somewhere else near the sleeper line or an airport then that's not hard to get to. However, if it's like Knoydart or somewhere else well off the beaten track or far away from civilisation then I'd maybe rethink.

Why do people keep saying it's 8 hours to Scotland by train? There are frequent fast trains from London to Glasgow and to Edinburgh that take only 4.5 - 5 hours. (Inverness, Oban, Fort William and Aberdeen take longer, but the OP has mentioned Edinburgh, not those.)

You can book seats in advance, and get discounted family tickets. And you can ask (also book in advance) for assistance at the stations. Advance fares can be surprisingly cheap, also.

Of course, the OP may not be in London, and so there may well be extra travelling time involved. But that means the journey will be in stages, so still no 8-hour stretch.

As a previous poster has said, daytime trains are much faster and more child-friendly than the sleeper, which is, IMHO, very slow, vastly over-hyped and over-priced. And recently, extremely unreliable. The last 'daytime' train to Glasgow leaves at 19.30 and is - again IMHO - a much better bet.

Flights are so quick, and the airports very small and (in my experience) mostly friendly and helpful . My mother (aged 80+ and partially sighted) flew alone from the south of England to Edinburgh, without any problems. And was guided through check-in and out by most pleasant staff.

As other posters have also said, why not try to get together with other guests and arrange group travel? I live in the Highlands and local taxi/tourist firms are very well-used to transporting wedding and celebration parties by private hire minibuses and small coaches. It happens all the time...

You want then to have the wedding somewhere you can easily travel to. Rather than where they want. Because you have kids

OP explicitly said she was fine with a no child policy because parents could manage the children for a few hours but not for a night or two.

I wouldn't describe couples going for destination weddings as bride/groomzillas but its not realistic to expect all your family and guests to spend a lot of time and money so that you can have some nice scenery in the photographs. Its a choice.

Op surely you knew you were going to be told everyone else had travelled out yonder with 5 under 3's and luggage and it's really really easy? And also that it's THEIR day and guests and family don't actually come in to consideration at all?

@myself2020 or option 4- husband requests an unpaid day off work (I had to do this and bride and groom paid for kids outfits and requested no wedding gift due to this- and long haul flight)
They were sorry but they really wanted to get married in that specific place and was there any chance I could ask my head (policy states you are allowed one day off every 3 years to move house, it also states 2 days off for this kind of thing!) I accept all schools are different but he could at least try.

I think we need a more precise location - as others have said, it might be easier to fly to Inverness or Aberdeen then get a cab to location. Or for you to go ahead on the sleeper with the DC.

First step would be for DH to ask for exceptional leave, surely his HT can understand not everyone works round English school holidays.

@ohdeariedear yes it is near a sleeper train stop, which is why most people are taking that option.

I don’t think that would work for us as you cant fit travel cots in the carriages and it doesn’t leave until 9pm so again, grumpy kids the next day (which would be the day of the wedding)

To add, Edinburgh seems an odd stop off for a Highland destination.

I don’t want to be too specific with the location. Edinburgh is definitely the best airport and its two hours from there. We don’t live in London so it’s an hour at this end too. No it’s not an 8 hour stretch but it will take that in total, with two changes

OP explicitly said she was fine with a no child policy because parents could manage the children for a few hours but not for a night or two.

Yes. That still organising their wedding around OP having kids.

OP wants the wedding close enough that its convenient for her, due to her kids.
Rather than them having their wedding, where they want.

I have said all along if OP doesnt want to go or feels she cant, then she shouldnt go. I agree, if you have a destination wedding, you cant expect everyone to go.

That doesnt change that she is annoyed because they have picked someone special to them, for their own wedding, rather than somewhere that's better for her.

Sorry, 8 hours if we take the train

@florascotia2 if the op doesn’t live near any of the big london stations (which with 2 kids and a teacher’s salary is unlikely), getting to the station alone will ve 2-3 hours. We live 30 minutes from waterloo. to get to inlaws in yorshire we need to add 2 hours to get to the station. train into waterloo, crossing over to kings cross, allowing time for the usual london traffic issues (pre booked tickets are train specific), all of that with luggage and potentially a buggy - nightmare. flying is the only sensible option.
The little one will also need to be changed on the train, that means leaving the 3 year old alone (he won’t fit in train loo/changing cubicle)
Train alone would be extremely stressful

I had a weekday wedding and one of my best friends is a teacher. She was given the day of the wedding off and the day after! She teaches at a very strict school with a very stern Head but asked nicely for leave and it was granted!

I would hate to do that journey on my own with two small children or even be on my own overnight in a hotel somewhere with them whilst my dh drive up the day after. For every capable Wonder Woman who could shepherd a class of kids singlehandedly onto a plane, keep them entertained the whole time, navigate the journeys to and from airport and hotel, all whilst batch cooking lasagnes, reading the latest bestseller and crocheting, there are women who can't handle that level of emotional labour, stress and anxiety and there's nothing wrong with that.

@hotchocolateee agree, that would be doable. Still not fun, but doable

To add, Edinburgh seems an odd stop off for a Highland destination

Nah, that’s where I fly to the Highlands and Islands frae.

having said all that though.. I'd still never miss BIL wedding. Frustrating as it is, you are going to have to just suck it up and find a way to make it happen, however stressful and hard. Your husband can ask for the day off, yes his school is strict and scary but they still have employment laws to follow so making a request for leave isn't that ridiculous and you might get lucky and be given the day off. Of course you might not, but as you are planning for that anyway, it makes no difference so might as well ask. Fly up, drive late and let the children sleep in the car, get a train together later in the day - I'd rather do the journey as a four later then go up early as a three. You'll be amazed how adaptable children are really

I live in Edinburgh. There's no way I'd leave in the morning on the same day as a Highland wedding. You need to be up north the day before.

Oh behave. I go up north to compete my horse and will do some Highland events in a day, towing a trailer. More remote I would overnight the day before, but travel back the same day. Scotland is not that big a country!

If it were me, I would leave the kids behind with a trusted person.
The kids will be absolutely fine, it's only 2 nights then you are back.
Then make it a nice trip for yourself and your DH on your own. If your DH had the flu or food poisioning he'd have to miss a day at school!
Just lie to the school the day before if that is easier.

I really would not bring the kids all that way. It'd be a massive pain in the arse. They can get another pageboy or do without.
Go yourselves, don't take the kids and really enjoy it. If you have grandparents who can come and stay in your house then they and the kids might really enjoy that too.

Can you not fly to Inverness?

@myself2020 I do agree. I think I am just going off my own experience and I was desperate to go to my SIL wedding and was prepared to hand in my notice if my request wasn't approved. I had to do long haul flight with a 5 and 3 year old and the journey to the airport and the hotel. It was 18 hours of travelling and very tiring on the actual day. Luckily I had my OH with me. But I'm so glad I did it.
Had it been my other SIL and I would have been extremely reluctant, but I have a great relationship with the other one.
I guess that's the main thing- how much OP values the relationship and how much she wants to be there (not a lot from the sounds of it)

How will your dh feel when he sees another member of staff getting time off to go to a family wedding in the future? And he couldn't even ask?