WIBU to miss BIL wedding in Scotland?

[NameChange9182]

I’m a regular poster (penis beaker, softzilla etc) but have name-changed as I’m worried SIL is on here.

BIL (DH’s brother) and SIL have just announced they are getting married in Scotland next year in the Highlands. The area is important to them as they visit every year to go hiking etc and they have loose, distant family heritage connections to the area. However they have never lived in Scotland and none of their living relatives or any of their friends live up there (we mostly live in London or are scattered across the south).

The problem for us with getting there is that it’s not possible to just travel up on the day and get there in time for the ceremony, so you have to travel up the day before. The wedding is on a Saturday but is during term time and DH is a teacher so can’t take the day off, so that means not leaving until around 4pm on the Friday.

Apparently other guests who are teachers are either getting the sleeper train that night to arrive the next morning, are flying up to Edinburgh after school and then hiring a car to drive the rest of the way that night, or are staying in Edinburgh for the night and then getting a train for the last bit on the saturday morning. None of those options would really work for us as we have two young children (DS will be 3 and DD will be 11 months) - they really need their sleep routine (I’m not being precious, they will genuinely be horrors at the wedding the next day if they haven’t slept) and all 3 options would mean keeping them up way past their bedtime.

I think BIL and SIL think they are being accommodating as they have researched and told us all the travel options and have also said they “don’t mind” if we’re not able to bring the kids (but have also asked DS to be page boy if he does come?!) I don’t feel able to leave them for two nights, even with my parents. They are fine looking after DS for a day but they’re not in the best of health and he’s a handful at the best of times, without adding the baby too!

So my suggestion is that DH goes alone on the sleeper train and I stay at home with the kids. Although tbh I’d be upset to miss it and I think BIL and SIL would be quite offended (most of their friends don’t have kids so I think they just don’t get it!). Overall I’m just pissed off that they’ve chosen somewhere so difficult to get to for all of their guests and haven’t made sure that it works for close family before choosing it. Just feels like we haven’t been considered properly and they don’t really care if our kids are there or not but will be offended if DH and I aren’t there.

WIBU to say it’s too difficult for me to go, either with or without the kids?

They can have their wedding anywhere they want without working out every guests logistics and options first and its not a week in the West Indies.
Having said that it is a real pain with two young children given the difficulties teachers have in taking time off and the distance in driving/changing trains/planes, and its expensive.
So At first I thought YANBU
However, there's been a lot of very good suggestions here, such as getting a plane straight to Inverness or train to Edinburgh etc.. or travelling a day earlier and meeting up with DH later as you have family around and you've got time to arrange it and maybe travel with another family member.
So I think really if its his only sibling getting married that you should try to make it work. I think nearer the time you might really feel you are missing out on a special weekend if you have to stay at home.
Good luck with your decision.

Its a destination wedding, albeit in Scotland rather than abroad somewhere. Therefore, in my view, they must expect some people not to go.

Yup. It’s their right to love the Highlands and have their wedding they chose. But timings and access to this place is tricky. Quite apart from the whole financial aspect - which will be prohibitive for some. So it’s absolutely fine for only DH to go.

We considered getting married at Culzean Castle near Ayr. Love Scotland, DH has Scottish blood, amazingly beautiful place. BUT would have required everyone to fly to Glasgow, or take a long train ride, stay the night at a hotel and I’m not prepared to put friends and family to that much expense and hassle.

This is your husband's brother and wife to be, aunt and uncle to your children. However irritating they and their choices are I think you should find a way to go. It feels as if you don't like them and you are trying to find excuses not to attend. A wedding's an important time and you'll just be causing a rift. I speak as someone who is on chilly but polite terms with one s-i-l and detests the other (bonkers) s-i-l. But for family's sake I grin and bear it when essential. And I think a wedding is an essential time.

Its a destination wedding, albeit in Scotland rather than abroad somewhere. Therefore, in my view, they must expect some people not to go.

^ This

No way on earth would I have taken a 3yo and an 11 mo on a long train journey/flight on my own. I think YABU to expect them to take into account other peoples preferences but they ABU to expect people to move heaven and earth/pay a fortune to attend their wedding.

so yes I did expect them to at least consider whether they would be able to come.

but they are.. you are making it much more difficult that needs be.

You can't moan because you want the kids to be considered so yes I did expect them to at least consider whether they would be able to come.
but then moan because you will have to look after yourself!
nd us also enjoy the day and have a good time (they will likely be tired, bored and grumpy so we will spend the whole time comforting/distracting them).

You are making excuses - even luggage is a non-issue. Someone else could take some for you, DH take the rest and leave you with an overnight bag easy to carry.

The whole thing is easy to prepare, easy to organise. You have just decided that you are not happy with it and will find anything to complain about. If you don't want to go, don't. It's a shame though.

No way on earth would I have taken a 3yo and an 11 mo on a long train journey/flight on my own.
May I ask why ever not?

As for going up earlier than DH, I’m just not sure I could manage a toddler, baby and luggage on my own on a plane
Dh can bring the luggage

YABU to be pissed off at the location they have chosen. Its great they have chosen somewhere that is special to them.

If you are worried about travelling with the two little ones (understandable) Could you maybe hire a cottage/holiday let nearby for a few days and take your parents with you a couple days before (turn it into a nice mini break) then husband just fly up on the Friday night?

I’m surprised by the number of people saying op is bu. I remember the wedding in the castle in rural wales (I think) thread amongst others. The bride was expecting the diminishing guest list to pay more and more for the rooms - Ie the wedding. A lot of posters on the thread agreed it was vu to book a wedding in the middle of nowhere far far away from where the guests lived.

Anyway imo YANBU to duck out. This sounds fine prekids or with older / adult children but your children are at a very difficult age to transport. Travelling all day alone would be awful. The children are going to kick off at some stage and at that age my dd couldnt sit still. There is no way she would have coped with the travel schedule that has been proposed to you.

It's their wedding - they don't need to consider you! I actually think they are being very kind, showing travel options, saying they don't mind the children being there or not - get over yourself!

YABU. If you really wanted to go you could make it work.

except that in the real world, most people are genuinely excited and happy for their siblings and make a holiday out of it. It's their ONE wedding

And how do they make a holiday of it when a number of the guests are in jobs which don't allow holiday at that time?

Its really simple - you can prioritise attendance of friends and family or you can prioritise a pretty location. I don't generally care which people do but you can't prioritise the location and get sniffy when you guests cannot manage the trip.

I’m surprised by the number of people saying op is bu.

Me too. Seems to be an outbreak of bridezillas.

The flights take at most an hour from anywhere in the UK. It's not a "long journey".

Why can’t you travel up with the kids the day before and your husband travel later after work?

No way on earth would I have taken a 3yo and an 11 mo on a long train journey/flight on my own.

Why not?

I do find it odd that you think you would need to take lots of luggage. If your DH was travelling to meet you the same day you could easily manage with just 1 rucksack for the journey and possibly a small rucksack for the 3 year old to fill with things to keep him amused.

I’m just not sure I could manage a toddler, baby and luggage on my own on a plane, and the train is 8 hours so that would be hell with my boisterous 3 year old

Where are you travelling from, that the train's 8 hours?

OK, then you need to break the journey in London. Do you have friends you can stay with in London? The train from London is only 4.5 hours.

You can do this. I've done it multiple times.

Let DH take the bulk of the luggage, you just take what you need for the DC that night.

Do you have a sling? And will your 3 yr old walk with you happily? Or use a buggy board? If so, take a buggy with you, but carry the baby in the sling and put the luggage on the buggy.

I'd jump at the chance to have a nanny look after them. They don't have to keep them away from the wedding, just be on hand so you can have some time, or they can be with them while they nap etc.

Hi OP

I go a similar distance to you and have flown with similar age kids.

My husband drives overnight with our luggage.

You can do it just need to be organised eg find out exactly what is in the accommodation you're going to be at. Pack the absolute bare minimum for the first night and pack everything else for your husband to take up. If there is anything bully that you definitely need on the first night (eg travel cot, car seat) you can ask a relative to take it if they are going to be staying near you or see if you can hire one.

It is a pain in the ass to plan but can make it work.

He should ask work asap, if they say no they cant be pissed off with him for asking.

Another option is to see if anyone in the wedding party will fly up with you - makes some things slightly easier at airport

You fly with the kids, taking just a large nappy bag/backpack. DH follows later with the proper luggage.

As for going up earlier than DH, I’m just not sure I could manage a toddler, baby and luggage on my own on a plane, and the train is 8 hours so that would be hell with my boisterous 3 year old.

Why don't you take one child (the one that needs sleep most) a day early, and DH brings the other one after work on the Friday.

Or you take both kids and just a backpack. DH brings the luggage.

May I ask why ever not?

Because having witnessed friends struggling with two young children I chose to only have one.

Reading back it seems the replies are quite polarised. Half of you seem to agree with me that it’s a really big ask and they can’t expect people with kids to make that journey and the other half seem to think I’m being difficult and precious and you could easily fly with my age kids to the other side of the world on your own.

I guess I just know from my own experience that if we manage to make it work, this is not going to be a fun trip for us however we do it and I’m really disappointed about that.

You'd think the wedding was in Outer Mongolia

As for going up earlier than DH, I’m just not sure I could manage a toddler, baby and luggage on my own on a plane, and the train is 8 hours so that would be hell with my boisterous 3 year old

OP it’s really not that difficult to do either, you prepare yourself, get a bag full of snacks and activities to entertain. Ppl are very helpful when they see you traveling alone with children! (I know as I have done it several times!) you get priority boarding etc. Kids love airports as it’s all about the planes etc. As for the train I find it’s not that bad, snacks, activities, iPads etc. Book seats at a table in advance. Put dc3 at the window and he will love looking out, when he gets bored then you whip out something else. You can walk up and down easily, there’s wider parts of train (near disabled access area) where he could have a little play. It’s just planning!!