WIBU to miss BIL wedding in Scotland?

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I’m a regular poster (penis beaker, softzilla etc) but have name-changed as I’m worried SIL is on here.

BIL (DH’s brother) and SIL have just announced they are getting married in Scotland next year in the Highlands. The area is important to them as they visit every year to go hiking etc and they have loose, distant family heritage connections to the area. However they have never lived in Scotland and none of their living relatives or any of their friends live up there (we mostly live in London or are scattered across the south).

The problem for us with getting there is that it’s not possible to just travel up on the day and get there in time for the ceremony, so you have to travel up the day before. The wedding is on a Saturday but is during term time and DH is a teacher so can’t take the day off, so that means not leaving until around 4pm on the Friday.

Apparently other guests who are teachers are either getting the sleeper train that night to arrive the next morning, are flying up to Edinburgh after school and then hiring a car to drive the rest of the way that night, or are staying in Edinburgh for the night and then getting a train for the last bit on the saturday morning. None of those options would really work for us as we have two young children (DS will be 3 and DD will be 11 months) - they really need their sleep routine (I’m not being precious, they will genuinely be horrors at the wedding the next day if they haven’t slept) and all 3 options would mean keeping them up way past their bedtime.

I think BIL and SIL think they are being accommodating as they have researched and told us all the travel options and have also said they “don’t mind” if we’re not able to bring the kids (but have also asked DS to be page boy if he does come?!) I don’t feel able to leave them for two nights, even with my parents. They are fine looking after DS for a day but they’re not in the best of health and he’s a handful at the best of times, without adding the baby too!

So my suggestion is that DH goes alone on the sleeper train and I stay at home with the kids. Although tbh I’d be upset to miss it and I think BIL and SIL would be quite offended (most of their friends don’t have kids so I think they just don’t get it!). Overall I’m just pissed off that they’ve chosen somewhere so difficult to get to for all of their guests and haven’t made sure that it works for close family before choosing it. Just feels like we haven’t been considered properly and they don’t really care if our kids are there or not but will be offended if DH and I aren’t there.

WIBU to say it’s too difficult for me to go, either with or without the kids?

I think you just don't want to go.

When my kids were 3 & 1 we travelled to Fiji for my BIL's wedding. It took 27 hours to Sydney and then another 4 to Fiji. Mind you we did go for 3 weeks.

Scotland is nothing!

I’m a teacher too and I’d be allowed an unpaid day off for this. Has he asked?

If this thread proves anything, its that the favoured MN trope it's an invitation not a summons is bollocks. Nearly half the posters disagree with OP, essentially showing that lots of people don't think an invitation being a complete pain in the arse is sufficient reason to refuse an invitation from someone close.

Contrary to what you said I think you are being precious. Your children wouldn't be in bed that late if you flew up at 4 and stayed overnight in Edinburgh.
And I haven't RTFT but I find it bizarre that you can't fly up earlier in the day check into a hotel and your husband follow you up.
Weddings put children a little out of normal routine.

I think it's more that people don't think it IS a 'complete pain in the arse'. And many have said it's up to her if she wants to refuse, and the couple have already said they understand. But it still has consequences, that she is making it clear what level of priority they have to her, in that she won't put herself out a bit for them. Her choice. But it doesn't mean it doesn't change relationships.

Plus it's that the OP is just finding excuses to make things difficult, deciding in advance how awful it's all going to be, and not even considering that it could be enjoyable, or even just OK (or worse) but worth it for the sake of her husband and the couple. That attitude tends to frustrate people, when she first appeared to be genuinely asking for advice.

Which is hilarious in itself really. That journey with a probably just mobile baby and another little one, I want to start drinking now. It all got a bit competitively easy traveller.

And sure, the refusal potentially has consequences. That was exactly my point. So, of course, do decisions to hold weddings in a place that will be inconvenient for most of your guests.

how sad for you. It's not normal, but hey, some people are more bitter than others

What am I sposed to be bitter about? I’m just extremely busy.

I don't think the OP is trying to make things difficult. I think she's daunted at the idea of travelling to the Scottish highlands with 2 young children of 3 and 11 months without her DH. It's easy to forget how hard it is with children of that age! It wouldn't be an issue for me now that my DDs are 10 and 7, but I really wouldn't have wanted to do it when they were the ages of the OP's DC.

I think you need to calm down and think about how best to make it work (the obstacles you mention are not insurmountable), as they are close family. I had friends coming to my wedding from a distance with small children, and there were problems with logistics for them, but they were able to come. But I was very happy to accommodate them, as I did want them to be able to come.

You don’t know you’re born. You know where my sister got married? Fecking Fiji! But seriously. I’m in Wales, parents in Scotland, somehow we all manage to see each other...

Think of the Royal family having to toil up to Crathie for Anne’s wedding......

If the wedding is anywhere up the A9 you should be able to manage fine from Edinburgh or Inverness. If it’s in Kinlochbervie or Altnaharra, you have a point.

Op, your baby is obviously very young now. Things are going to look very different by next year. You really should go. Your bil and SIL sound lovely and like they are very keen for you to be there. It is a really big day for the family. You referred to yourself as 'close family' when you said they should have considered logistics for you. Well if you're close family you should do everything you can to be there. I have two siblings. I would be gutted if either didn't show up at my wedding and I'd expect their partners there too.

You have had plenty of suggestions on how to make it work. I have nothing new to add. Of it was me I would travel by plane with the baby ahead of my husband and get to the hotel. Older boy can travel with his dad.

Things will look different next year but not easier. The baby being older is likely to make things more, not less difficult. Older, mobile babies are harder to travel with than little ones.

“It’s Scotland, not Mordor”

I don't think the OP is trying to make things difficult. I think she's daunted at the idea of travelling to the Scottish highlands with 2 young children of 3 and 11 months without her DH.

Part of being an adult is just doing things that seem daunting but are necessary. Most people find childbirth daunting, or a career change or taking care of a baby at first. She's not doing anything special, just needs to plan a short travel to a modern place. She doesn't need to escape some war torn place and walk the desert.

Part of being an adult is just doing things that seem daunting but are necessary. Most people find childbirth daunting, or a career change or taking care of a baby at first. She's not doing anything special, just needs to plan a short travel to a modern place. She doesn't need to escape some war torn place and walk the desert.

Exactly.

Whether or not she's having the max amount of fun is not the point of this wedding.

I mean, broaden it out and look at having kids vs not - obviously having kids takes more time, money, resources, effort and disruption than not having them, but OP didn't chose to not have kids for those reasons. She chose that disruption for the sake of the good bits. She can do the same for her BIL and SIL one weekend.

OP - it you're still listening - would you like it if one of your children chose not to attend their sibling's wedding for these reasons?

Hyperbole aside, the issue here I think is that this is not necessary. Indeed, it was very easily avoidable. The bride and groom simply made a choice to prioritise getting married on a weekday very during term time very far from where they and all guests live when they knew at least one important guest is a teacher. Of course people who are placed in a difficult position by this but cannot realistically decline are going to have an opinion on it and be worried about how it'll work.

I was a teacher and definitely wouldn’t have been allowed even half a day off to go to a wedding. People who are not teachers don’t appreciate how difficult it is to miss school for weddings and funerals! I really wouldn’t suggest that your DH does a sickie though as he is bound to be found out. Personally I wouldn’t go with your DC and, if you really thought it necessary to be there, go on the sleeper with your DH the evening before.

@DawnOfTheDeadleg the wedding isn't on a weekday. It's on a Saturday.

OP - it you're still listening - would you like it if one of your children chose not to attend their sibling's wedding for these reasons?

What’s with the weird emotional blackmail on this thread, of which this is one example.

Oh I thought it was a Friday. Scratch that then, it's simply being held during term time in a location that makes most guests, including an important one who they know works in a school, need to travel the day before.

It’s on a Saturday but due to the location they will have to leave the day before, hence the problem.

Xpost.

Part of being an adult is just doing things that seem daunting but are necessary. Most people find childbirth daunting, or a career change or taking care of a baby at first. She's not doing anything special, just needs to plan a short travel to a modern place. She doesn't need to escape some war torn place and walk the desert.

Exactly. Plenty of things are difficult or stressful. Sometimes you have to just get on and do it

I’d say part of being an adult is considering your guests when organising a social event.

If you choose to get married in the Highlands and your friends and family are in London and the south, they have to travel the day before, some people aren’t going to be able to come.

If you want to marry in that place so much that you don’t mind if some people can’t make it, fine. But you can’t complain if they don’t.

As I said we considered getting married in Scotland near Ayr (in fact we also considered the Highlands but ruled it out on accessibility grounds), but we decided even that was too much schlepp and expense for our guests.