WIBU to miss BIL wedding in Scotland?

[NameChange9182]

I’m a regular poster (penis beaker, softzilla etc) but have name-changed as I’m worried SIL is on here.

BIL (DH’s brother) and SIL have just announced they are getting married in Scotland next year in the Highlands. The area is important to them as they visit every year to go hiking etc and they have loose, distant family heritage connections to the area. However they have never lived in Scotland and none of their living relatives or any of their friends live up there (we mostly live in London or are scattered across the south).

The problem for us with getting there is that it’s not possible to just travel up on the day and get there in time for the ceremony, so you have to travel up the day before. The wedding is on a Saturday but is during term time and DH is a teacher so can’t take the day off, so that means not leaving until around 4pm on the Friday.

Apparently other guests who are teachers are either getting the sleeper train that night to arrive the next morning, are flying up to Edinburgh after school and then hiring a car to drive the rest of the way that night, or are staying in Edinburgh for the night and then getting a train for the last bit on the saturday morning. None of those options would really work for us as we have two young children (DS will be 3 and DD will be 11 months) - they really need their sleep routine (I’m not being precious, they will genuinely be horrors at the wedding the next day if they haven’t slept) and all 3 options would mean keeping them up way past their bedtime.

I think BIL and SIL think they are being accommodating as they have researched and told us all the travel options and have also said they “don’t mind” if we’re not able to bring the kids (but have also asked DS to be page boy if he does come?!) I don’t feel able to leave them for two nights, even with my parents. They are fine looking after DS for a day but they’re not in the best of health and he’s a handful at the best of times, without adding the baby too!

So my suggestion is that DH goes alone on the sleeper train and I stay at home with the kids. Although tbh I’d be upset to miss it and I think BIL and SIL would be quite offended (most of their friends don’t have kids so I think they just don’t get it!). Overall I’m just pissed off that they’ve chosen somewhere so difficult to get to for all of their guests and haven’t made sure that it works for close family before choosing it. Just feels like we haven’t been considered properly and they don’t really care if our kids are there or not but will be offended if DH and I aren’t there.

WIBU to say it’s too difficult for me to go, either with or without the kids?

Main thing OP, if you see this before the thread goes poof, don't shoulder it alone. I hope you're talking to DH and he's not expecting you to do things you aren't comfortable with. And get him to ask for that day off!

depends what the children are like travelling.

one wailed everywhere. threw up on the way across town, if the road was less than straight and bump free, we knew every stopping place on the journey between home and parents. 50 miles of about three stopps taking more than double the normal travelling time.

next kid more or less fine in the car.

What about asking school if he could have his ppa swapped to fri pm. To make an earlier get away.
Or I wouldn't wait in Edinburgh for him, get to the hotel and settle the kids.

You don’t need to travel together. I don’t see any real reason you can’t go with the children.

It feels hard now because DC2 is so new, but if you have both DCs home with you, every day you'll soon get into your stride. You'll be surprised what you can cope with and even enjoy. It might be an idea to use public transport more, if you're only an hour from London, it's more exciting than a car for kids and feels like an adventure.

Don't decide now, get DH to ask about getting the day off. It sounds like BIL will be fairly flexible and supportive. Accept that the newborn days do tend to make you a bit overwhelmed and you will be your most defeatist self, so hold off telling ILs all the obstacles you're imagining.

For yourself, you will enjoy having children so much more if you learn to cope and go with the flow a bit. Do things that sound hard work, like day trips to London, because they are also rewarding. It's easy for your world to become small, especially with young DCs, try to avoid that.

Seriously don’t worry about it. They have virtually said that they don’t care if the kids are there as they ‘understand’ if you don’t want to bring them. All the groom will really care about it is if his brother is there. Explore why you don’t want to leave the kids and if you really don’t want to don’t go; it’s not as if it’s your sibling.

Traveling with small dc takes planning but you have lots of time.
I'm thinking it won't be as hard as you imagine or as easy as your childfree BIL thinks.
The UK is actually a pretty small country with good transportation links (even Scotland)

It’s the one only ever wedding day
Don’t be daft that they should have shelved their wishes of being married in a beautiful location that means something to them just because it makes it a bit trickier for you

You need to go
Honestly it’s not Barbados and you will look precious and difficult if you don’t make the effort
Weddings are always a different beast once you have kids whether then go or not but you can’t avoid every family event simply as it’s a bit less fun with kids in tow

The flight is super short and worst that happens is they both scream and shout a bit.

YANBU to imagine it will be a bit of a stress if you aren’t a natural coper but YABU yo say you won’t go.

DH can take the bulk of the luggage you just need essentials.

SIL offering a nanny is a lovely gesture. It doesn’t mean kids aren’t part of the day just that they can dip in and out and you get a break. She sounds lovely.

Come on OP. You gave birth twice. You can do this.

It’s the one only ever wedding day
Don’t be daft that they should have shelved their wishes of being married in a beautiful location that means something to them just because it makes it a bit trickier for you

You need to go

Bridezilla again.

“Any venue at all in the SE of England or the midlands would have meant we could have gone up on the morning and had an enjoyable time.”

Ffs listen to yourself. It’s only Scotland not Maui! Why should they get married in such a small area to suit only you! Has anyone else complained?

This comes down to the fact that you don’t want to be unconvinced, it is perfectly possible for you to go you don’t want the inconvenience. You have to consider whether the damage to you relationship with you DH family is worse than the inconvenience.

Tonnes of families use the sleeper. It’s a short flight

Have we got to the bottom of why flying is impossible? It's an hour flight, airports aren't difficult with hand luggage, cabin crew are reasonably helpful...

How are your in laws getting there. Could you drive up to them and then they help you?

2 hours from Edinburgh sounds like Aviemore as you mentioned they go skiing. If it is Aviemore, Edinburgh isn't the most convenient, Inverness is as it's only 30 miles from Inverness to Aviemore so a 45 minute journey which even a taxi would do for around £50 so less expensive than hiring a car. You could get a flight with your DH and kids on Friday evening to Inverness then get a taxi to the venue. Stay at the venue for the duration of the wedding and the Saturday night then get a taxi from the venue back to Inverness and get a flight back home. I can't see it being anywhere else as the highlands are around the Inverness area and Aviemore and actually if being picky, Glasgow would be closer as it's more central where as Edinburgh is on the east coast. Your best bet would be to fly to Inverness. If it's not Aviemore, it must be somewhere around the Inverness area if it's classed as the highlands

TatianaLarina

you do know that bridezilla designs the actual bride, not the guests - or potential guests - don't you?

(and obviously doesn't apply here, I was just replying to your post)

have you actually considered driving up if DH can get Friday off start early ( not too hard with kids ) pack car night before then lift them at 5am into car seats get clear of London stop for breakfast then up to carlisle for lunch will be in Highlands by 4pm easy there is very little traffic north of Preston at hotel by 4pm Wedding on Saturday leave after breakfast on Sunday
we lived very close to Inverness airport when DD was a baby and would drive to midlands to see my parents easily in one day
if it was Aviemore Inverness airport would be closer I'm thinking Dunblane Pitlochry Stirling

Stirling to Carlisle is about 2 1/2 hours driving max Carlisle to Birmningham 3 hours and OP says midlands is 2 hours from them
so it's a longish day but with 2 drivers it is doable if OP wants to PM can suggest places to stop off to run the little ones legs!!!

People with several small kids usually don’t travel a lot as they don’t have the money to do so. definitely not short term weekend trips to child unfriendly destinations.

We go camping in the highlands a lot with two small children. Dd was 4 months old the first time we took away her away for the weekend. Scotland hardly counts as a "child unfriendly destination".

The thing is we're talking about a wedding almost a year away. Small children change a lot in that period. My eldest is 4 and a half, at 2 he was feral, by 3 he could actually sit still and talk to me on long journeys and could be distracted by books, puzzles and food.

I see that a lot of posters agree that you're making mountains out of molehills and seeing insurmountable problems when you haven't even verified the facts ( asked headmaster for days off or asked others going to wedding for help or even checking flights/ trains/ taxi's/ hotels etc).

Travelling with small children CAN be challenging, but it ain't rocket science either ! It can obviously be done, but it's totally up to you whether you do or don't want to do it. But the fact that you won't entertain the POSSIBILITY is what I think has some posters a bit miffed/ surprised/ whatever.

What do you think single parents do? or parents who are in the armed forces ? whose family live overseas ? ......LOTS and LOTS of parents travel with young kids alone due to any number of reasons, and the posters who 'wouldn't ever be able to' are quite simply snowflakes who probably also can't cope if they are left at home alone with small children ! ( you know the type ? Always asking for 'support' and 'help' as they 'can't cope' ?, but are actually doing fine and are simply tired, well join the parents club, cos that's what it's like for all of us !) ( and I mean absolutely NO disrespect to any parent who has genuine needs for support e.g depression, illness etc)

I also agree that your negative attitude will definitely mean no-one will have a good time on the trip or at the wedding with you, it's pretty obvious you have decided that if you 'have to go' then it will be miserable.

I think you're still in the 'knee jerk reaction' phase.
Can I suggest you take maybe a week or two to mull things over and find out the actual facts/ finances etc ? Then discuss with family/ friends who are also going to see what help might be available ?

Once you know exactly what the facts are, you may find a solution which suits you and your family. I hope so. x

@TatianaLarina the SIL would Only be a bridezilla if she insisted the children went (she isn’t doing)

In fact she is also offering a nanny to help out so I think she’s being anything but

The flight might only be an hour but it's not a bus, you have to be hanging around the airport before take off for however long and you have to get to the airport. How is OP getting to the airport? Does travelling separately mean two cars parked at the airport (£££) or one plus a taxi (£££).

Packing for an ordinary weekend away is one thing but this is for a wedding so not stuff that can just be stuffed into a rucksack. There are shops in Scotland but how much time is the OP going to have on her hands to go shopping.

If she's not used to travelling, has fractious children, broken sleep and the additional costs of going up slowly It won't put you in a good place. If you then miss the ceremony because the dc are playing up and cut short the evening to put them to bed are you really going to think it was worth it? Or as a PP said do you just have to suck it up because it's family? Slap on the fake smile and tell the B&G it's the best wedding you've ever been to because that's the polite thing to do at a wedding? Let's face it no one ever tells the B&G that their big day was rubbish for those attending.

and obviously doesn't apply here

It absolutely applies here. All these posters identifying with the bride and groom and not considering their guests -

It’s their one only ever day.... their wishes of being married in beautiful location.

they booked their wedding in a place that special to them

Why should they consider you when it's their wedding?

it’s their wedding and their choice.

They can choose to get married in their far-flung, romantic schlep-to-get to spot. What they can’t do expect everyone to turn up. Their one speshul day may be a pia for everyone else.

What's clear is that the logistics are far from impossible.

They're just unfamiliar to the OP, and daunting.

None of the potential outcomes are outside the range of "some people potentially not having an ideal weekend".

Which brings the whole dilemma down to "Should I not bother to go to the effort for my husband's brother's wedding because I don't think I'll enjoy it?"

So of course YABU! It's close family. It's a wedding. You deal.

(and if anyone wants to call me bridezilla, I didn't bat an eyelid at my own brother not bothering to come an hour away for my wedding!)

For a little bit of context my close friend got married in Ireland. For various reasons we got the ferry at just after midnight on the morning of the wedding. My friend had arranged a friends for us to go to when we got there to get ready etc.

The kids were 1 and 4 and it was absolutely fine and I wouldn't of missed her amazing wedding for the world. I think these things are only as hard as you make them.

TatianaLarina
It absolutely applies here. All these posters identifying with the bride and groom and not considering their guests

You are the one being bitter - why do you not see that posters are identifying with guests? Seems like many of us travelled on their own with their young children, for whatever reason, and didn't need to make a big deal out of it.

The normal reaction when you get an invitation to your sibling's wedding is to be cheerful about it, not start moaning and being resentful. is that due to jealousy, is that what it is?

Why would anyone would want to drive up the A9 to get to the Highlands when then can fly into Inverness instead? Fiver the wedding is in Aviemore which is 45 mins from Inverness.

Stirling from Edinburgh airport can be done in 45 minutes outside rush hour and is not known for its skiing facilities 😄

You'd be pretty rude not to go, and seem to be catastrophising the journey.