WIBU to miss BIL wedding in Scotland?

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I’m a regular poster (penis beaker, softzilla etc) but have name-changed as I’m worried SIL is on here.

BIL (DH’s brother) and SIL have just announced they are getting married in Scotland next year in the Highlands. The area is important to them as they visit every year to go hiking etc and they have loose, distant family heritage connections to the area. However they have never lived in Scotland and none of their living relatives or any of their friends live up there (we mostly live in London or are scattered across the south).

The problem for us with getting there is that it’s not possible to just travel up on the day and get there in time for the ceremony, so you have to travel up the day before. The wedding is on a Saturday but is during term time and DH is a teacher so can’t take the day off, so that means not leaving until around 4pm on the Friday.

Apparently other guests who are teachers are either getting the sleeper train that night to arrive the next morning, are flying up to Edinburgh after school and then hiring a car to drive the rest of the way that night, or are staying in Edinburgh for the night and then getting a train for the last bit on the saturday morning. None of those options would really work for us as we have two young children (DS will be 3 and DD will be 11 months) - they really need their sleep routine (I’m not being precious, they will genuinely be horrors at the wedding the next day if they haven’t slept) and all 3 options would mean keeping them up way past their bedtime.

I think BIL and SIL think they are being accommodating as they have researched and told us all the travel options and have also said they “don’t mind” if we’re not able to bring the kids (but have also asked DS to be page boy if he does come?!) I don’t feel able to leave them for two nights, even with my parents. They are fine looking after DS for a day but they’re not in the best of health and he’s a handful at the best of times, without adding the baby too!

So my suggestion is that DH goes alone on the sleeper train and I stay at home with the kids. Although tbh I’d be upset to miss it and I think BIL and SIL would be quite offended (most of their friends don’t have kids so I think they just don’t get it!). Overall I’m just pissed off that they’ve chosen somewhere so difficult to get to for all of their guests and haven’t made sure that it works for close family before choosing it. Just feels like we haven’t been considered properly and they don’t really care if our kids are there or not but will be offended if DH and I aren’t there.

WIBU to say it’s too difficult for me to go, either with or without the kids?

@onalongsabbatical I might ask DH’s sister and her husband. Not sure what their plans are yet but they might be able to come with me on the flight and then carry on to the venue on their own, so I only have to wait in Edinburgh for DH.

Just depends if they have other plans already.

I can't remember if it's been suggested but could your DPs have the baby and you take 3 year old with you to the wedding?

@onalongsabbatical - the OP said her DH's sister and her husband would be travelling up on the friday, but they aren't very close so she wouldn't feel she could ask them - but it's a family wedding, if her DH called to say he's getting the night train, but it might be too much for his DC so his DW was taking them up on the Friday, could she be on the same flight as them so she's not having to be on her own, I bet they would be happy to help her out.

It all seems very angsty, but this is partly because until the DH has asked for the time off, they've established when everyone else is travelling etc, it's hard to get a plan, and until you've got that, it's hard to see how it could work.

(I still would just cope with the grumpy child and travel together)

I totally appreciate that you are feeling daunted OP and YANBU in that sense. However as a life long resident of Scotland, I can’t think of anywhere 2 hours from Edinburgh into the highlands that wouldn’t be better served by Glasgow, Aberdeen or Inverness airports. Actually you can even fly into Dundee from Stanstead (and from City come the spring).

I’ve easily attended highland weddings with my kids, which have taken me longer to drive to from my town in the north east of Scotland than you would take via plane. With really careful planning, I think this is very easily doable. Best of luck if you do decide to go, you might just have a great time.

I know you don’t want to say exactly where but even the county would help. North Perthshire easy-peasy for example.

Could you possibly find time/money to have a practice trip between now and then, as a weekend out in Edinburgh or something with all of you, or just you going alone as a quick day trip? That might take the worry about the journey out of it, and you will know where you are going and predict any difficult bits. You can judge what the children might enjoy doing in the afternoon - Edinburgh really is lovely! - and you can realise just how quick it can be if you are travelling with hand luggage only, to a small airport, with very good transport connections.

I would think that the couple doesn't see it as a difficult journey, no. And of course it's your choice not to go, but just as their decision has consequences that not everyone can go, your decision to not go has consequences that they will know where you rank in their importance list. Nobody is right or wrong.

I think the attitude towards it makes a big difference though. If it was a best friend or your sister or someone you liked a lot, you'd see it as an adventure, want people to spend time with the children, want the children to enjoy visiting somewhere or seeing family, rather than it just being a chore. You could try to change your view of that and make it into something fun.

I'd hope my siblings would put themselves out a bit to come to my wedding. No, it isn't the perfect place to have the wedding for you, and no, you don't have to do it, and yes, it might be more difficult than you'd prefer in an ideal world to travel there, but you can also choose to put yourself out for their sakes, and let them know that they mean a lot to you. They might do the same at some point.

I think Highlands maybe a loose term? I'm thinking maybe Trossachs/Dollar direction or even Pitlochry or Aviemore?

All easily driven from Edinburgh in a couple of hours, especially if you stay over by airport and straight up to bridges from there.

Glasgow airport definitely easier for west coast highlands but Trossachs area is 6 and 2 3s and for pitlochry/aviemore, edinburgh is closer.

YABU to be ‘pissed off’ at their choice of location. Their choice. And FYI, when a couple chooses a location that involves a lot of travelling, generally they have come to their own conclusion that some guests/family won’t be able to make it, and are fine with that.
I’d either travel up a few days before, or DH goes on his own.

I think Highlands maybe a loose term? I'm thinking maybe Trossachs/Dollar direction or even Pitlochry or Aviemore?

Could be Stirling, the gateway to the Highlands.

*not excepting Oban, Perth, Aviemore, and anywhere else I’ve missed.

WaxOn, exactly what I was thinking re The Highlands.

There’s clearly lots of us Highlanders on this thread and we could help the OP enormously with best routes/logistics/timings.

Stirling less than an hour from Edinburgh airport :o

Stirling less than an hour from Edinburgh airport grin

Yes, but ** you know what these sassanachs are like.

yes, agree, maybe if the OP wants she could message some of the Scots on the thread? Depending on where it is, I'd maybe be tempted to get over the bridge on Friday evening to stay somewhere and then shoot up in the morning. Nice leisurely breakfast, maybe even a swim if possible, tire DC out and then get in car and be really boring so they have a decent nap and arrive in time to get changed and ready to party.

Cromlix or Solsgirth in Stirlingshire? To be fair, once you get off the beaten track, it doesn't have to be far from Stirling or anywhere else on a main route, to suddenly eat up the time when travelling.

There’s clearly lots of us Highlanders on this thread and we could help the OP enormously with best routes/logistics/timings.

I know the West Highland line schedule by heart and the buses too. If the OP needs to get to Northern Argyll or Lochaber I can assist, she just needs to tell us where that wedding is.

Sorry OP, not trying to out you or the wedding - just realised that I'm trying to be too specific and you are trying to be circumspect.

I don’t want this being identified so have asked for the thread to be deleted. Thanks all for your suggestions, hopefully we work something out as I honestly would like to go.

Reading your last few posts I get the vibe it's not where it is but it's the fact you don't often up sticks with the kids to go far a field. I really think you need to get into the mid space of 'how can I make this work best' not 'god, this will be difficult'
That will make a massive difference

DS is honestly the most energetic little boy. He runs everywhere and climbs everything. He hasn’t learnt sitting still for more than about 10 minutes yet

I hear you OP! DS was a runner, he never sat still. I've still done the journey from the south, vial London, to Edinburgh and back several times.

You CAN do this with planning. You just have to want to. People do that journey with kids all the time.

If your DS is a runner, I'd maybe suggest the plane over the train, because the journey is broken up into sections. On a train, if he won't sit at his seat (mine wouldn't!), walking up and down the carriages following a manic small person can get tiresome after 4 hours! (If you have a child who won't sit still I've found this is less disruptive than forcing them to sit still!).

The plane is easier as you only have to entertain him for an hour in one place, before changing modes of transport.

The issue to solve at the other end is transport. Travelling with a car seat is a PITA, I wouldn't recommend it if you can avoid it.

So your options at the airport would be to book a hotel at the airport (very convenient but seems a shame to go to such an amazing place as Edinburgh and not even see it. But perhaps for such a short stay that doesn't matter).

Or to meet a friend / relative with a car seat at the air port

Or to have your buggy with you and get the bus into town, which is very doable. Edinburgh Airport is actually in Edinburgh, not a zillion miles out of town or even in a different place entirely like osme airports (Glasgow Prestwick and London Luton I'm looking at you!)

If you have your buggy on the plane, they let you wheel it to nearly getting on the plane then take it off you IME. And you get priority boarding with kids.

The train is perfectly doable too. The main challenge is keeping your 3yo entertained and your baby happy of course. No matter what your usual policy on screens, bring a device and headphones for your 3yr old with some preloaded things to watch / do. The train may have wifi also (but don't rely on it). This will be a life saver!

Also loads of little snacks (raisins etc) to keep them happy and occupied.

You can totally do this. You just need to want to.

Firstly every teacher I know manages to take off during school term time ...I always thought it wasn't allowed , but apparently they still do

secondly , its an easy short and relative cheap flight up

Thirdly if you do have a strict routine for children's sleep you are setting yourself up for many years of being able to do sod all

Fourthly you say you have nc because you think your sister in law is on here .....how is that even going to work unless you use your real name usually ?

And mainly you are being controlling , just because you can?