WIBU to miss BIL wedding in Scotland?

[NameChange9182]

I’m a regular poster (penis beaker, softzilla etc) but have name-changed as I’m worried SIL is on here.

BIL (DH’s brother) and SIL have just announced they are getting married in Scotland next year in the Highlands. The area is important to them as they visit every year to go hiking etc and they have loose, distant family heritage connections to the area. However they have never lived in Scotland and none of their living relatives or any of their friends live up there (we mostly live in London or are scattered across the south).

The problem for us with getting there is that it’s not possible to just travel up on the day and get there in time for the ceremony, so you have to travel up the day before. The wedding is on a Saturday but is during term time and DH is a teacher so can’t take the day off, so that means not leaving until around 4pm on the Friday.

Apparently other guests who are teachers are either getting the sleeper train that night to arrive the next morning, are flying up to Edinburgh after school and then hiring a car to drive the rest of the way that night, or are staying in Edinburgh for the night and then getting a train for the last bit on the saturday morning. None of those options would really work for us as we have two young children (DS will be 3 and DD will be 11 months) - they really need their sleep routine (I’m not being precious, they will genuinely be horrors at the wedding the next day if they haven’t slept) and all 3 options would mean keeping them up way past their bedtime.

I think BIL and SIL think they are being accommodating as they have researched and told us all the travel options and have also said they “don’t mind” if we’re not able to bring the kids (but have also asked DS to be page boy if he does come?!) I don’t feel able to leave them for two nights, even with my parents. They are fine looking after DS for a day but they’re not in the best of health and he’s a handful at the best of times, without adding the baby too!

So my suggestion is that DH goes alone on the sleeper train and I stay at home with the kids. Although tbh I’d be upset to miss it and I think BIL and SIL would be quite offended (most of their friends don’t have kids so I think they just don’t get it!). Overall I’m just pissed off that they’ve chosen somewhere so difficult to get to for all of their guests and haven’t made sure that it works for close family before choosing it. Just feels like we haven’t been considered properly and they don’t really care if our kids are there or not but will be offended if DH and I aren’t there.

WIBU to say it’s too difficult for me to go, either with or without the kids?

You don't want to go so own that decision and don't go. Stop trying to blame Scotland, your DH's brother your family etc

Where is it in Scotland? I would bet good money it is not Thurso, as suggested by PP but somewhere far more accessible like Aviemore. Scotland is a wee country - get to Glasgow or Edinburgh and it is unlikely to be that far.

My apologies, OP! (and the others). I must have mixed you up with another of today's OPs.

@pinkcardi aren’t you unpleasant. 2 small kids, luggage (including nappies and food) for 2 days, wedding outfits, buggy. potentially nobody to bring you to airport and collect you (the actual flight is the easy bit!)
People with several small kids usually don’t travel a lot as they don’t have the money to do so. definitely not short term weekend trips to child unfriendly destinations.
You do remind me of my colleague who said that travelling with 3 kids was easy. the thing she forgot to mention is that she and husband were in business class, and the nanny handled the kids in economy ....

Another option, if you're thinking of travelling up on the Friday without DH, is to see if there's anyone else you could travel up with for a bit of support. I'm one of the travels-all-over-the-world-with-tinies types, and it IS hard, particularly if you're breastfeeding and if one of your kids is a handful. My kids are very used to long journeys and DD is very easy-going and happy to entertain herself with colouring. But I wouldn't be thrilled with the idea of going to Scotland on my own.

One thing I would say is that children change very quickly at this age. You presumably have a small baby and a two or three year old now, which is an absolute nightmare stage, even at home. By next year, things will be easier. The baby will be a bit more independent, and your eldest will be a little boy rather than a toddler. You don't need to make the decision now. Tell BiL that you'll see how things are nearer the time and put off RSVPing for as long as they're happy to let you.

DH asks and stuff that she'll be annoyed he asked! It's a request not a demand.

You travel light with the children

You travel with baby only and DH takes 3 year old on sleeper train

All answers and all solve the problem.

I'm completely confused. If it's two hours on from Edinburgh Airport into the Highlands, then Inverness, Glasgow or Aberdeen have got to be closer.
Don't think that will change anything though. OP if you could just get yourself there in your own time on the Thursday, could PIL then help with bed time etc so you wouldn't be completely on your own until DH arrives? Or ask if any other friends or family are travelling on the Friday as all you really need is one more pair of hands.
But this could all be a storm in a teacup if DH just asked for the day off!

I feel for you. Would have been so much easier if the couple had got married locally and gone to Scotland for their honeymoon!

I have no magic answers - a boisterous three year old and an eleven month old isn't easy I know. Hope you can sort something out.

@myself2020 no, I don't think unpleasant. It's just not something she probably wants to hear as she's looking for excuses and not helpful advice.

If her husband takes the bulk of the luggage (hardly going to be much for two nights) I can't believe that it's very difficult. Drive to airport. Check luggage in, take pram to the gate. Fold. 3yr old gets its own seat. Baby on lap. A few sticker books and a drink from the trolly and you're there. Collect pram. Collect luggage. Await husband.

I know this as I've done it myself many times.

Lots of people fly solo with two children. A short regional flight with two children isn't something that is beyond the capabilities of a normal adult given some prep and planning.

As I said, it's excuses because she doesn't want to go, rather than a real logistical problem that can't be solved

@myself2020 I think that’s it.

We don’t do much travelling at all. We went on a week holiday to Spain with DS this summer before DD came along but there were two of us and we went for a week so it didn’t feel too rushed, plus DS could be grumpy if he wanted by the pool!

We never get the train anywhere, usually drive. Both my parents and in-laws are about 2 hour drive away. We usually do the drive on a Saturday morning and then back sun afternoon. It’s fine with both of us and so far it’s only been DS (DD is brand new ). I’ve never taken them away for the weekend without DH.

DS is honestly the most energetic little boy. He runs everywhere and climbs everything. He hasn’t learnt sitting still for more than about 10 minutes yet.

YANBU to not want to go - it sounds like it would be hard work and they aren't your family, but your DHs, and as the obvious solution is you going with the DCs alone the day before, it might seem you have the hardest journey for your DH's family.

However, YABU to be pissed off that they haven't centred you. They've said it's ok if people can't make it. They've said they're happy for children to be there or left at home, they've said they'll sort a childminder for the day if you don't feel you can take your DC into the wedding ceremony.

Your upset is because your attendence isn't a "priority" or they would have made it more practical for you.

That said, this is a lot of drama when your DH hasn't even asked his boss for the day off yet! The Head might say no, but frankly getting angry when as a family you've not even done the basic step of finding out if all this complexity is needed to worry about is silly.

He asks for the day off.

If it's a no,you talk to your DH about how important to his family that you and the DCs are there for this family wedding. If it is, you can go up earlier the same day with just enough stuff to get you through until your DH turns up on the later flight, he carries all the clothes and bulky luggage.

Ideally, you go on the same flight as someone else in his family /wedding guests, they would have to have a heart of stone to not help out with entertaining the 3 year old, holding the baby when you take he toddler to the loo, putting your stuff on the plane etc.

These things are not at all difficult. I can't quite understand why they're so contentious on these threads.

TANBU for arranging their wedding in the highlands. It's a place they obviously love and it means a lot to them, so it seems a natural decision. YANBU for not attending if it's going to be expensive, disruprive and inconvenient.

As to the PPs telling you 'you just don't really want to go, do you [so suck it up and do so anyway]', that makes no odds. Your private motivation is your own business, and the choice as to whether you do or don't attend is your choice.

You would be unreasonable for openly kicking up a fuss, or being resentful, about their chosen wedding destination. They would be unreasonable if you declined the invitation and they took offence. But you can only control your own reactions and behaviour. You don't own theirs, so don't take it on board.

Decisions have consequences, and opting for a remoter wedding location will result in some people, especially those with certain work commitments and young families, being unable to attend. Any B&G who can't grasp this fact will eventually have to come to terms with the painful realization that the world doesn't revolve around them.

Of course any reasonable couple, one with whom future relationships are likely to be pleasant for all concerned, will already know this.

Other options to make it easier - if PIL are going up a few days earlier, you can ask them to take a bag of nappies, wipes, bed clothes etc that end up making your bag bulky/heavy.

DH takes the wedding outfits and things later in the day on his flight. You travel with a change of clothes for both DCs (incase of mess made on flight) and some nappies for the day. Think your usual change bag plus an extra rucksack worth. You then don't have to worry about baggage reclaim (other than the buggy), you can hire a car with car seats in so you don't need to travel with them.

A bouncy 3 year old is hard to entertain at the airport, but if you are travelling with other SIL and wider family, they surely would be helpful with that.

IF you want to go, there are ways to make it easier.

But you need to let go of the idea that they should have factored in how you would get there, as they've said they are ok with you not going!

And you really shouldn't be getting stressed at all until you've got DH to request the day off! His brother's wedding should be close enough to warrent a day off.

We're all different; our energy, our tolerances, our capabilities, our parenting styles, what stresses us out, the children themselves. OP if it's too much for you don't go. It's really only in the last fifty years of human history such things have been considered possible. You don't have to put yourself through it unless you really want to. I wouldn't. Give yourself a break.

I don’t think the OP is being at all unreasonable and am surprised by responses here. Maybe it’s just different understandings of marriage.

Traditionally couples were married in their own communities, in front of people who knew them, and by someone who knew them. Until very recently that was the norm, and unless either bride or groom came from another area, most guests didn’t have to travel far or at all.

Now, it seems to be routine to marry far away - which is fine if that’s what the couple want. But this means that guests might not be able to make it because it’s too far, too expensive, takes too much time ...

As pp suggested, they could have honeymooned in the place that is significant to them, rather than dragging their guests from London to the Highlands.

Scot here, with a good knowledge of the Highlands. I can't quite fathom why Edinburgh is the best airport to fly into though.
Re: getting supplies - don't worry, people in Scotland have babies too!
I travelled with the DC loads when they were little, and although it can feel overwhelming, when you've done it, it does feel good! People will help you too.
I wonder if you having a brand new baby is the issue - you're knackered and can't see how it could possibly work. You may feel differently when the wedding comes round.
Feel free to PM me, or the other people on the thread who've offered, if you want some local knowledge. It's definitely doable.

They haven’t said they would be ok with me not going, only with the DC not going. I think they haven’t considered the possibility of me not being able to make it as they think I can leave DC with my parents.

I don’t think we’d have a big argument about it as they aren’t like that, but I know they would judge me for it and be upset and the rest of the family would make comments. There have already been some from PIL about how difficult we are for sticking to a routine with DS.

The couple getting married are very active and do lots of travelling, I don’t think they see the journey as all that difficult and were excitedly explaining all the different ways we could get there, like they’d made it easy for us.

For close family you put yourselves out. Even if you spend most of it standing outside with grizzly children. Go.

Ok, so if you don't travel much I can see that it's overwhelming at the moment with a boisterous toddler and newborn.

It does seem that there are many options to make it easier. I would try to travel with someone else if you feel that would make it better for you.

First option must be for your DH to ask for the day off, or even just a half day.

Your children will be older and probably easier, you'll be used to traveling about with them more by then. People love to help with children at airports, honestly, going out of their way to assist in my experience.

I can see that it's daunting at the moment, but it is doable and you'll feel great for having managed it.

I've travelled further for family weddings, with kids in tow. Really, I find that as long as you're prepared, and just suck up some stuff, it's fine.

For example, when flying with my two, they are presented with ipads, headphones, and a big bag of haribo, and they're allowed to pick a drink when the trolly comes round, and we're all good. This has been true from since the youngest was about 1 (to many people's horror I'm sure - but he just loves his older brother and wants the same)

The only tricky bit when travelling alone when they're young is going to the toilet - because you can't leave one of them alone, and then you're worried about leaving the ipads on your seat - so I just have 1 tote bag with everything in it, and they are trained to dump headphones/ipad into it and follow me like ducklings (unfortunately this habit has continued even now the eldest is 9!)

If you don't want to go, face up to that, but if you do, and you're just building it up as a huge problem in your head out of anxiety, then really, it isn't.

Sorry, I think YABU a little bit.

I am not someone who enjoys travelling with young children, although I have done it a fair amount. I am also not someone who would move hell and high water to attend a wedding in a truly inconvenient location. But, to me, this isn't that big a deal. It's only Scotland!

Fwiw, I'd do the plane asap after school finishes on the friday and hire a car in Edinburgh. You might be able to fly to Aberdeen as well if that's more convenient.

Many people have suggested OP travel with someone else. OP hasn't said whether there IS anyone else who can travel with her. There might not be!

Your little boy sounds exactly like my DD. Won’t sit still for a minute. I dread any event that involves a need for her to sit still or quietly.
As it is your DH’s brother I would do what it took to make it.
I’d fly to Scotland on Thursday and settle the children in the evening close to the airport.
I’d do the second half of the journey on Friday and again, settle the children Friday evening as close to the venue as I could.
I’d then meet DH Saturday morning and head to the wedding together with a view to all flying back on Sunday.
I know it will be a PITA and I’d personally dread it, but I would do what it took to get there with as little pain as possible.

I must say, I agree the best option would be to just suck up the DC being tired and grumpy on the day and travel together in the evening if DH can't get the day off.

honestly OP, I think I would try to make it work as I think you'd probably regret not going.

I think the best option is travelling to Edinburgh the night before. Even if it means a bit of sleep disruption and then travelling up in the morning and hopefully DC will catch a decent nap on the journey. If DH can get away a bit early then even better.

I know you said term time, but what time of year is it?