WIBU to miss BIL wedding in Scotland?

[NameChange9182]

I’m a regular poster (penis beaker, softzilla etc) but have name-changed as I’m worried SIL is on here.

BIL (DH’s brother) and SIL have just announced they are getting married in Scotland next year in the Highlands. The area is important to them as they visit every year to go hiking etc and they have loose, distant family heritage connections to the area. However they have never lived in Scotland and none of their living relatives or any of their friends live up there (we mostly live in London or are scattered across the south).

The problem for us with getting there is that it’s not possible to just travel up on the day and get there in time for the ceremony, so you have to travel up the day before. The wedding is on a Saturday but is during term time and DH is a teacher so can’t take the day off, so that means not leaving until around 4pm on the Friday.

Apparently other guests who are teachers are either getting the sleeper train that night to arrive the next morning, are flying up to Edinburgh after school and then hiring a car to drive the rest of the way that night, or are staying in Edinburgh for the night and then getting a train for the last bit on the saturday morning. None of those options would really work for us as we have two young children (DS will be 3 and DD will be 11 months) - they really need their sleep routine (I’m not being precious, they will genuinely be horrors at the wedding the next day if they haven’t slept) and all 3 options would mean keeping them up way past their bedtime.

I think BIL and SIL think they are being accommodating as they have researched and told us all the travel options and have also said they “don’t mind” if we’re not able to bring the kids (but have also asked DS to be page boy if he does come?!) I don’t feel able to leave them for two nights, even with my parents. They are fine looking after DS for a day but they’re not in the best of health and he’s a handful at the best of times, without adding the baby too!

So my suggestion is that DH goes alone on the sleeper train and I stay at home with the kids. Although tbh I’d be upset to miss it and I think BIL and SIL would be quite offended (most of their friends don’t have kids so I think they just don’t get it!). Overall I’m just pissed off that they’ve chosen somewhere so difficult to get to for all of their guests and haven’t made sure that it works for close family before choosing it. Just feels like we haven’t been considered properly and they don’t really care if our kids are there or not but will be offended if DH and I aren’t there.

WIBU to say it’s too difficult for me to go, either with or without the kids?

YANBU by not wanting to go ..sounds like loads of hassle, expense and general misery with 2 kids.

YABU to suggest they should have thought of you when planning THEIR wedding. It's thus kind of entitlement and expectation from family and friends that makes weddings stressful and causes damage to relationships.

Head up early with the kids & with another family member, get settled and DH meets you after school.

Oh behave. I go up north to compete my horse and will do some Highland events in a day, towing a trailer. More remote I would overnight the day before, but travel back the same day. Scotland is not that big a country!

If it’s somewhere like Thurso, that’s 5 and a half hours drive. Wouldn’t like to getting up at stupid o’clock to drive up there for a morning wedding. 😴

Are you sure this isn't separation anxiety (yours) about leaving the kids. It just brings up so much fear, the safest thing feels like you staying with them? Anything you suggest yourself involves you and them staying together.
Think about leaving them for the 2 nights. Just allow that thought to be there for a while and see what happens. I have been in your shoes and I know how big a knot of anxiety it can produce
If you can't bear to be away from them when they are this small, then accept that is the reason. And that is OK too, nothing wrong with that. It gets easier to leave them when they are older.

YANBU not to go (invitation, not a summons and all that), but are being massively unreasonable to get narky because the couple have chosen somewhere meaningful to them and not somewhere convenient for you!

Sleeper trains with a three year old are a pain, I agree, as you can't get on board until way past their bedtime.

However, they are very doable with a baby, if DD will sleep in a pushchair. We did the sleeper to Edinburgh with DD when she was 16 months old. She slept in the pushchair in the waiting room, then when we got on board the train, we transferred her to one of these, which you can put up on the floor:

www.jojomamanbebe.co.uk/koodi-sun-and-sleep-travel-cot-with-black-out-blinds-b7214.html?gclid=Cj0KCQiA-4nuBRCnARIsAHwyuPpm0JrP9QTJ2tjJ-uUzShFeDlI2lSnQ3upvvbOLQkUJACIUYyyCLGAaAu7XEALw_wcB

Could you leave DS with his grandparents and take DD? My DD loves staying with her grandparents without her brother, as it means she gets some much-needed one-on-one time without having her brother there to mess things up.

Looks like your best plan (if DH can't get Friday off) would be you fly up with the kids Friday afternoon, stay at a hotel by the airport, DH flies up after work with the luggage, then get the train or hire a car for the last 2 hours Saturday morning. I'd be annoyed at the lack of consideration for guests in the planning (DSis and DBIL were going to have people travelling hundreds of miles wherever they held their wedding so they had it between Christmas and New Year when people would be off work anyway) but I think you have to make the effort when it's close family.

"this is not going to be a fun trip for us however we do it and I’m really disappointed about that."

Could you sound any more self centred?

This is one weekend out of your lives for one of the most important events of your DH's brother's life.

They sound as though they have genuinely tried to make it easy for you - suggested travel plans, a nanny, offered your DS a role in the ceremony etc. They clearly love you (or the groom loves your DH at least ) and you can't be arsed to make a reasonable amount of effort because it won't be fun for you.

Assuming (as you haven't mentioned) there are no disabilities/SN to complicate matters, I am sure you can manage a flight with two children. Lots and lots and lots of us have done it, some are single parents who have no choice, some have DC with SN, some of us are in wheelchairs.

Can't you really make the effort for one weekend?

Could you leave DS with his grandparents and take DD?

@Tylee, OP has already said that her own parents are dead.

Your choice. However I think he could get the day off as it's his DB. I know lots of teachers.

the other half seem to think I’m being difficult and precious and you could easily fly with my age kids to the other side of the world on your own.

I have family members who happily travel alone with two kids from Australia. You're just going to Scotland. Are you very young? I find it surprising that an adult can't handle two kids and a bit of luggage for a day. You can also maybe let the PIL take one suitcase with them for you. You can give it to them at christmas. Or send a box to your hotel by mail (check with hotel first). Stuff like that. Start thinking in solutions instead of problems that are easily overcome by lots of people daily.

YANBU by not wanting to go ..sounds like loads of hassle, expense and general misery with 2 kids.

^This. Too much hassle for anyones wedding

@saraclara, @Tylee

OP's parents are not dead according to her OP - they are not in the best of health. She often leaves her DC with them but does not want to leave them there for 2 days

I think your being unreasonable the wedding is next year so you have plenty of time to plan.
Can't your husband ask the school for the afternoon off so you can leave earlier, surely its an exceptional circumstance his brother's wedding.
Who know's how your children will be, the wedding is next year they may be great sleepers next year or fine out of a routine.
To me it feels like you are pissed off they haven't made the wedding around you and your kids.
I sense a bit of jealousy

I think, if you really want to go, you can make it work but you will have to fly up and then drive, which would involve hiring a car (unless someone can pick up up from Edinburgh Airport).

I have flown solo with my 2 sons from Australia to the UK since the older one was 2yo - an hour's flight really shouldn't present you with huge problems, honestly. If you fly you do have more potential for your DH to travel with you, if he can even get out of school a couple of hours early, maybe - it won't be perfect but it will still get you there early enough on the Friday to not mess with the kids' routines too much, and allow them to sleep either on the plane or in the car on the 2h trip to the venue.

It's inconvenient but it's not un-doable.

@saraclara

From the OP:

I don’t feel able to leave them for two nights, even with my parents. They are fine looking after DS for a day but they’re not in the best of health and he’s a handful at the best of times, without adding the baby too!

With sleeper trains both ways, it would be one day and two nights. It doesn't sound like a perfect solution, but it's one I would be considering if I were the OP.

Have you considered bringing your parents or babysitter with you? They could help with child wrangling during travel and also babysit so you and your DH can enjoy the wedding. It does mean extra expense, and if course that may not be affordable.

That's what we've done in the past for an overseas wedding. Paid for my parents flights and accommodation, and they babysat while we attended the wedding. We enjoyed a family break either side of the wedding. We have the type of relationship with my parents where its OK to ask - not assuming it would be the same for you. Just an idea.

It’s Scotland, not Australia fgs! Get the sleeper train, the train movement will help the dc sleep, or fly up. You are looking for excuses not to go imo.

There are two things we don’t know

• how much are op and kids used to travelling? i could do the trip on my own, but i travel a lot for work and privately. my kids have a lot of airmiles
• temperament of the kids. take my niece - give her snacks and some colouring, and she will sit nicely for hours (she has no activity levels whatsoever. bith of mine need several hours of exercise every day to be ok. my youngest walked at 9 months. travelling with them ling distance is a nightmare (which is why i would oy do it on my own in an emergency)

I’ve done long train journeys with a toddler. It went ok with lots of snacks, iPad and games.

Is there anyone going the day before by driving? You could get a train halfway there so you’ve only got 4/5 hours by train and then can join a car the next day?

Can't manage your own two children and an overnight bag on a short plane ride. Give me bloody strength, how pathetic.

What do you think people with several children and relatives in other locations do? Sit at home for years until they are over 8yrs old?Travel only with two adults present?

Stop making pathetic excuses. Don't go if you don't want to, but don't blame anyone but yourself.

Why can’t you fly?

My SIL is a teacher. She was able to get a Friday off for our wedding as it was Sher brother's wedding and she was a bridesmaid. Schools are often accomodating for close family occasions. Has your husband investigated whether he can get the Friday off?

@saraclara no they are not dead! Just not in the best of health and not used to looking after DC for more than a few hours (never overnight)

Can you not travel with the children during the day and your husband follow later

This.

I think YABU. Make the effort, you have plenty of time to make arrangements, I think you looking for an excuse. It’s Scotland not Australia.