To ask my MIL to stay in an AirBnB when she visits?

[LoverNotOfChicken]

We have 3 kids and a 3 bedroom house. Lots of kids, toys and stuff! Rejig of rooms when she stays, blow up beds etc.

About 4 houses down is an AirBnB, £26 per night. Really nice lady runs / owns it. Is it unreasonable to suggest she stops there in future? MIL doesn't visit often, only 3 times a year for a 4 days, no FIL on the scene.

@BillieEilish

I'm so sorry, I've read it back and it's totally me being chippy!

You know when you have one of those days where you feel like you've managed to annoy / upset everyone and cock things up? I got to there pretty much before 9am and just read it as needing to add you to the list! I'm not a drama llama usually, promise. Sorry again. I think I'm going to step away from the internet for a bit now ;)

No worries Finn

I think we're probably both in the same boat today.
And, your parents' Christmas plans DO sound wonderful!

I would phrase it like this
X is a nightmare if he has to share a room , do I've had a brain wave. Re the b n b down the road. Would you mind sleeping in there, and then we will have happy kids. I don't want them cranky and tired for your visit as they're really looking forward to seeing you.
Obviously we will pay and breakfast will be at ours not there!! Would that be ok ?

TBH, part of the visit is to see you all and be a part of the family .She may feel a little hurt,
How can someone possibly be hurt when they have been provided a bed? The only time she will be missing is when the family are asleep, ok yea she's missing out on all the families snoring, farting and waking up to take a piss. Not something I would be bothered missing out on.

She visits a few times a year do not much really and wants to see her family. Yes it’s disruptive but surely it’s a small price to pay for her seeing her sons and grandkids.
She can still see these people. Just not when they are sleeping.

She's going to be sleeping a couple of doors down. Not like the op is suggesting she sleep miles away. And even then so bloody what? Sounds like the op is going to suggest it, not just drop it on the mil when she arrives.

It has to be talked about sooner or later anyway. The house doesn't have enough beds or a spare room. The children are growing. 3 children in 2 rooms also suggest she has both sexes. What about when they are too old to share? Or they simply don't want to bunk in with their brother/sister.

It's great if you have the space to give mil her own space in your home. Many people don't. A night or two you might be able to do at a push, also depending the time of year. But more than that? Nope, it might be nice for you to spend time with the family. But remember that family isn't there for a visit. They still have to work, go to school etc. They need their own beds and space to have a good nights sleep. Whilst trying to be good hosts to their visitors.

@saraclara
It’s about relationships, not about where people fall on with regards to “seniority”. I just don’t think you can say across the board that all grandmothers/grandparents/uncles/cousins must be treated in the exact same way.

I don't know what I would do in a theoretical relationship with my own mum. I don't really know what it is like to have a mum tbh so would be all guess work.

@LoverNotOfChicken
I cannot believe that some aren't bothering to at least read your posts, and keep asking that same question. Or even have the common sense to understand not everyone has their parents around for whatever reason.

OP, I have thrown a few big parties and had clearly more guests than rooms. I put my own parents in a B&B, and had friends staying over instead.

Everybody was happy - I thought my parents were the ones who deserved the most quiet and comfort!

As long as you walk your MIL to her room in the evening, what's the big deal? Give her a key to your house, so she can come in anytime - and in the morning and make herself breakfast if she wants (in the unlikely event she gets up before your own kids )
but she can also go back to her own room when she needs a bit of quiet.

I don't know how I'd feel about this to be honest. Are you looking for problems that might not exist? We rarely have family to visit, but when we do, we make do. Kids share rooms, mattresses are put on floors, fold out beds are used, airbeds are used. It's not ideal, but it's never long term, and being honest the kids enjoy the novelty. Often times wanting to keep the "temporary" sleeping arrangements after the guests have left!!

I think (personally) it is a disappointing sign of the times now where people, families, won't put themselves out even a little to accommodate others. People are becoming very selfish and less giving. I suppose times have changed though and people are more inclined to suit themselves rather than budge even slightly.

Your mil might be delighted with the suggestion. Or you might find in future she visits even less than she does now once she is left in no doubt that her presence in the house is troublesome.

Organising the visits is down to me

I think you're trying to now fix a problem that should not have been allowed to develop in the first place.

You don't have room and it's hugely disruptive, that's the end of it. In many families all this middle class hand wringing is avoided.. if you don't have the space, you can't host shrug .. and if you can't afford£78 per visit for guests accommodation, alternatives happen. Visit less, blow up bed, sleep on sofa etc.

I'm slightly by the people saying you "have" to do xyz because it's your MiL.. well, you don't. Guests visiting need to balance their needs/wants with the rest of the family, and the "correct" balance is unique to each household.

This is only a possibility if she gets stressed staying at yours. Otherwise it is clearly to suit you and she will almost certainly get offended however you word it. Everyone sitting round in the evening having a nice time. Instead of ambling up to bed she has to put on her coat and go to a strangers house? If it was her idea it is possible, or if she had a partner to go with her, but no I think its horrible

Everyone sitting round in the evening having a nice time. Instead of ambling up to bed she has to put on her coat and go to a strangers house?

oh come on!
you know it's not like that at all - just going to bed in a different room 4 houses down when the rest is going upstairs. Big deal.

When you see the amount of posters who go into a right state about going into somebody's house, I am amazed it's a big deal.

What sort of organising or hosting do you have to do for a much loved (rhe OP said she was) family member?
Clean sheets on a bed. Camp bed and sleeping bag for one of the children. Extra chop in the shopping. Sorted.

BertrandRussell
even with an exchange school kid I would make more efforts than that!

the kids enjoy the novelty.
And when the novelty wears off?
Or when temporary beds aren't suitable?

This is only a possibility if she gets stressed staying at yours. Otherwise it is clearly to suit you and she will almost certainly get offended however you word it
Why should the only possibility be if the mil is stressed?
Shouldn't a loving, caring gran also think about how she impacts her gc home? Knowing that all the usual household stuff has to carry on because they aren't visiting you.

Instead of ambling up to bed she has to put on her coat and go to a strangers house?
Oh do give over. It's 4 doors down not Mars. If tucking up her son into bed is so important she can still do this. She will be able to do whatever with the family, just not when they are sleeping.

Hmm on the one hand I think it could be very hurtful to suggest it, on the other hand she might appreciate a 'sanctuary'

There is no other mum so she isn't competing for status with anyone. She isnt lower on the pecking order as she is the only one on it!

Oh, I totally get that. I was just questioning Lovepoppy, whose post seemed to imply that MILs should know their place, which is well below that of a woman's mother.

Just a heads up. Your MIL will.nee Sher own profile and to pay for the Airbnb herself to follow platform rules/ get insurance cover for the host as third party bookings at wonky allowed for business accounts.

That said, if she's a good neighbour you could probably do it off-books directly with her. It's super close, good price and only for overnight to save bedroom issues. A great solution.

I don't understand why the op needs to book and pay for the accomodation herself. Is the gran not a functioning adult?

Or at a push perhaps her own son could assist her directly?

This discussion mostly falls down on assuming this is the op's problem. It isn't hers to solve. A family member wants to visit but there isn't room. Why is it all on the op to not only form a solution but also do the admin crap along with it - does she have oodles of spare time?

the kids enjoy the novelty.
And when the novelty wears off?
Or when temporary beds aren't suitable?

The visitors have usually left by the time the novelty has worn off, and as I said the novelty of sleeping a bit different usually lasts for a day or two after the guests have left.

When temporary beds aren't suitable then alternative arrangements can be made. But when temporary beds are suitable, then that's what's used.

I think this is a case of you're either the type of people who will adjust yourselves slightly to accommodate a much loved grandparent. Or you won't. I suppose neither position is wrong, it's just what suits the particular family.

If a cousin (of the children) was to visit what would the arrangements be?

If you phrase it correctly she may even take the kids for a night!

I would have loved it if my Nan had stayed at a B&B when I was growing up. I had twin beds in my room, and always had to share with her. She snored like an express train, criticised everything, and never let up. I really got fed up with up it when I was in my late teens. Thankfully, we moved to a bigger house when I was 18, and there was a guest room.

I don't understand why the op needs to book and pay for the accomodation herself. Is the gran not a functioning adult?

Because presumably she thinks she welcome to stay at her sons house?

She is a functioning adult, but this time the op and her dh pay. They can afford it otherwise it wouldn't be a consideration. I wouldn't want to go somewhere I was invited to and be given a bill. I like to be in control of how my money is spent. And if this includes paying for accommodation I want to chose where I pay for.

She might be adamant that she pays and it's something she's always wanted to suggest, just didn't know how to say it without offending them. Hence why her son isn't that bothered, because maybe he knows she wouldn't really care when she sleeps as long as she has somewhere suitable to sleep. She might be happy sleeping in the bath!

But you cannot just tell a person - Come visit us for X days. Be lovely to see you, blah blah blah. Anyway, you will have to sort your own accommodation out. Here's the one we have chosen for you.

You only do that when people are inviting themselves, but you also leave them so find anywhere. Because not your problem.