To give DS a 'mental health' day off school?

[beethebee]

My DS11 started secondary in September. He's doing fairly well despite a packed schedule and the teachers saying that his class is pretty tough to manage. He likes his teachers and they seem to like him.

He never really gets ill and hasn't had a sick day in years, but this week he's asked if he could have a day off on Thursday. He's not pretending to be ill or anything, just says he's feeling a bit tired and meh about school and wants a day to 'get himself together'. He doesn't have any tests or work due on Thursday.

I thought the way he approached it (not trying to fake anything) was pretty mature and I'm inclined to say ok and let him stay at home on Thursday on the understanding that it's a total one-off.

AIBU?

Actually, I hated school when I was 11/12 and tried all sorts to get off school, but my parents would not let me stay at home. I had to go in and do you know what? I got over it and loved school!

I think that you know your son better than us MNetters! On balance whilst I agree with people saying "dangerous precedent", "try the real world/life/I wouldn't do this in a job etc" there is one big difference and that is he is 11, and from what you have said, pretty honest about his reasoning. In that, he isn't trying to pull a sickie on the day or lie about it. It's something he has thought about, and he wants your view. As long as you know he really doesn't have anything important, or that he can't catch up on (is he bright enough to get notes/work due which will be set on Thursday) then I would be inclined to WFH that day and have him home. Tell him no screen time/mobile phones. That's the deal. It might be a great time (no other family members around) for you to talk to each other and you might find out the real reason for his meh feelings. And during the day you can tell him to make the most of this as it won't be happening again any time soon - a one-off is fine but to make the most of it - both in relaxing and in talking to Mum. You might find that he's just a bit "meh" or you might get a bit deeper. What's the worst that could happen? You find out he fancies a skive? Well, that won't happen again...But you might also find out about something deeper that's happening in his life, which he might not otherwise feel he has the space to divulge, with all the stuff going on 7days a week.

It looks like you've already seen sense but pps are right, if he needs time to recuperate then he should give up something he does for pleasure rather than school. Giving up school sets the tone that everything else comes first. Unfortunately whne we grow up work commitments come first!

Just be careful, he may ask for more, and it will be harder to say no.

As others have said, if he needs time to get his shit together, he can do that over the weekend by cancelling his regular activities. Maybe he's stressed because he has a busy school timetable and is also trying to maintain a high level of sports activity - you cannot give up school so maybe knock one or two of the sports sessions on the head?

At half term, he was off at a sports thing because you were working all week? But you could be at home on Thursday? It may have been better to work from home for some of half term and give him some down time then.

If you’re out of the house for nearly twelve hours some days, when does the homework get don? His schedule is too busy and something will have to go. But not school. Not unless you want to give him the message that it has less importance than his sport.

Not a chance!

Sorry if mental health day has caused upset - I didn't really know what else to call it - he's not sick, just a little stressed, I think.

We're not in the UK so his half term as a couple of weeks ago now and he was in camp not exactly off, as mentioned. Unfortunately there isn't an alternative school where we are.

He got picked for 2 sports teams this year after term had started (both sports he's done for years) and that really upped his after school/weekend schedule to an unexpected extent.

I think sports is equally as important as academics (despite being a former academic myself), which seems an unpopular view, and one of his in particular could easily lead to a related career if he wants it to. I'm happy for him to pursue it if he stays keen but agree he perhaps needs to think about balance a bit more and drop one or 2 of his extra curricular sports next year and just keep the 2 team ones.

I see everyone's point about school being compulsory, but as I mentioned he never takes a day off normally, is never ill or on holiday in term time or whatever, so I can't really get incensed by the though of him having one day off. It's hardly going to lead to academic armageddon

However, I will take comments on board and tell him he can have Saturday off sports and do jobs with me instead.

No. You need to build some down time into his weekend.

I'd give him a day off sports and activities on Sat or Sun instead (cancel everything for a weekend)

Maybe he has too much on, but it's not school that needs canceling.

If he has (potential) mental health problems, look into changing his after school commitments. One day off won't help an overscheduled child

Yup, like most of us he's got Sat and Sun to get himself together again, and probably doesn't have to do all the housework on those days.

Backbone required!

No. Thin end of the wedge.

Playing the mental health card when he's mentally fit is, well, you know.

Only you really know your kid, you probably know yourself what he needs. It does sound like he might need to pull things back a bit, especially since he’s only just started secondary. It all sounds quite full on.

My mum gave me mental health days. I was a top student no issues at school just very occasionally needed a break. I wouldn't overthink it - if you trust your child let him take a day. It's only if it becomes repetitive that it might be an issue.

I get it with a child who is also very into a sport.

My ds swims. Training is 6 times a week. Sometimes this means he's very tried when he's completed on top at a weekend.

But when that happens he misses a sports session. A good coach will understand. He usually misses a morning!

This week he has mocks and also is extremely tired. His coach ordered him to miss,both tomorrow's sessions. He'll train harder and faster Friday as a result rather than 3 ok ish sessions.

No! Unbelievable. My dd started secondary this sept and I specifically made sure we had some really clear weekends for chilling. Clear space in the weekend diary and he can get himself together then. Attitude to learning and work are such important skills, allowing him to skive is setting him up for poor work ethic imo.

I would. My son asked me once when he was 11, he asked can I please have the day off tomorrow, all my friends pull sickies all the time and I never once did, i'd just really like the day off.......so I let him have it off and he hasn't asked again! That was 3 years ago.

bird
Allowing a child to bunk off and have a duvet day is not a mental health day.

If he's so tired and overworked then he needs to cut back in all the other areas of his life rather than filling his week and letting him take days off school to suit.

Give him a bit and he will give you a bit back. Its a future bargaining tool as well. "Do you rememebr when i let you have a day off school son? " So now , please do it ! " kind of affair.

He needs to take time off his sports if he feels stressed. Poor lad sounds like he has absolutely no down-time, though.

Absolutely not. Don’t indulge it. Maybe he just needs support to find better coping strategies. We all go through a range of emotions, many of which are normal, and youngsters have to recognise this and learn to deal with them. It’s ok to experience a reasonable amount of anxiety/stress/disappointment/upset and is all part of life’s rich tapestry. Mental illness is something quite different.

Can you reorganise the weekend so you have quiet family time on Saturday evening and Sunday?

It’s all very week saying sports are as important as academics, but if you allow him to drop academics in favour of sports he will get the message that academics aren’t important. I’m sure that isn’t what you want.

Please don't. It can become a habit - if one day, then why not two etc. I get very fed up with students at my university who just decide to take a day off and then I am expected to catch them up, offer extra testing opportunities etc. It's a real pain and impacts my own time and well-being.