To give DS a 'mental health' day off school?

[beethebee]

My DS11 started secondary in September. He's doing fairly well despite a packed schedule and the teachers saying that his class is pretty tough to manage. He likes his teachers and they seem to like him.

He never really gets ill and hasn't had a sick day in years, but this week he's asked if he could have a day off on Thursday. He's not pretending to be ill or anything, just says he's feeling a bit tired and meh about school and wants a day to 'get himself together'. He doesn't have any tests or work due on Thursday.

I thought the way he approached it (not trying to fake anything) was pretty mature and I'm inclined to say ok and let him stay at home on Thursday on the understanding that it's a total one-off.

AIBU?

People are just disagreeing with the OPs ‘solution’ of taking a random Thursday off school, not with the fundamental point of the lad being stressed. One day off is not a ‘solution’, the OP needs to rethink his packed lifestyle

This you don't stop a bath overflowing by emptying it with an egg cup whilst the taps still run because that would be silly.

And yet some people are falling over themselves to argue that misusing mental health to justify duvet days is a sign they totally care about mental health, whilst not advocating doing anything to help the poor child have some actual balance in his his life.
yes take a day off school because you feel a bit meh... But if you want to stop training on the weekends due to being tired your day shall be filled with chores.

I agree totally with Saltycinnamon

Fussing like this makes snowflakes

The problem I think is he is getting no down time away from people. Seeing friends and having stuff on all weekend would send me over the edge. I have an introverted side and need time to myself. That time isn't when he should be at school though 🤔

downtime is a must for everyone

And for introverts down time is time on your own 😁.

I do have social skills, am a laugh and people like me. But I properly relax/ work through problems alone.

Completely not against a day off to regroup/ recoup erase if seriously exhausted etc, but he’s going to be a lot more “ meh” when exams come round! Specifying Thursday would be a big red flag - either he needs the time off or doesn’t ( and if there are activities he doesn’t want to miss, then he evidently doesn’t!). It’s only the start of secondary school, and as others have said, right after half term. If you agree now, how on earth will you refuse when he repeats the request at the end of a long term/ when the work gets particularly tricky? If he won’t tell you what’s happening on Thursday I would be emailing form tutor etc to enquire if any perceived difficulties/ tests etc on Thursdays. Sorry but a definite no here under these circumstances or you will end up with a school refusenik on your hands.

As a secondary school teacher I think that you are being totally ridiculous. You are not setting your child up well for the wold of work. Allow him down time at the weekend like everyone else!
Don’t forget that your child would also be expected to catch up with misses work from when they were away- causing them to be even more stressed!

I don't think he particularly showed maturity for asking. Maturity would be realising that he was tired and asking to miss that night's sport. Or saying that he thought he was doing too much generally and could they look at cutting back. Asking to miss school specifically on Thursday for no particular reason other than he won't miss anything he cares about is pretty calculating.

YABU. This sets a ridiculous precedent. If you think he needs a rest, the things that need to go are the ‘doing things with friends’ etc at the weekend.

Perhaps you could think about cutting back on what you do at the weekend in order to give him some time to rest? Rather than packing every weekend and after school full of stuff?

I woudn't give him one yet, I'd consider cancelling plans for the weekend and just chilling out at home, watching videos, playing games and sleeping in etc.

Half term was only a couple of weeks ago.

I don’t get why you keep saying “ok, I’ll give him the option of having Saturday off sports and he can do jobs with me”
Why wouldn’t you, if you thought it was important enough to start a whole thread about it (so therefore believe he needs a little bit of downtime) choose to drop the Sunday activities of seeing friends, rather than basically blackmail/test him to see just how desperate he really is by only offering him the Saturday to be dropped... you said yourself that sports is something he uses to de-stress and loves. If this really is a “mental health” thing (which it clearly isn’t but I get you couldn’t think of another word for it) then surely you would want him to stick to the things he loves doing - sport. No?
Have some family time at home, just chilling with some food and movies. Friends can be around any Sunday.

In year 5 dc3 didn't like school, and once in a while, maybe 5 days in that school year I let her stay at home. It was something to look forward to.

Sadly I think you're letting your wish for your son to like you get in the way of your judgement here. He's going to do this all the time if you let him, and given what you've said, it sounds like you will agree

I would approach it as "ok, I understand it's tiring and we all do occasionally need a mental health day but I'm going to give you one freebie for the entire school year where you say you need a mental health day and I believe you, do you really want to use it straight after half term in the first term of the year or do you want to hang in there and save it for later? Because you only get one" thats what my friend does with her teenagers. They have all always been allowed 1 free pass per school year where they can say, no I can't handle it today I need a duvet day. But ONLY one. If anything I think it teaches them to really consider what they can and can't handle and weigh up if they want to use it early in the year or keep pushing through. Two of the three have now finished secondary school with fantastic results, one at college and one at university now and the youngest still in secondary school. Having a mental health day is fine but there needs to be a clear understanding that he doesn't get to do this regularly.

If you decide to do it, I would suggest that you ban phone/games ie a quiet day reading his book and not playing. It would be worth making sure there is nothing else happening.

I’m a teacher. I feel a bit tired and meh most mornings. I’d love a mental health day. But l can’t, as l have to teach, and cannot take optional time off if l feel a bit ugh.

I am a teacher with 25 years experience. I also have three teenagers, one now at uni. I would say absolutely not....because, there will be a reason why he doesn’t want to go, address that. School refusers often have parents who let them have odd days of, it then spirals into more days and so on. Harsh, I know but resilience is important, sometimes I don’t want to go, but I always do.

I think that it is really good that he can speak with you and be honest about how he is feeling. Sounds like everything has been building up for a while and it is good that he can recognise the signs and by having a day off he will get a chance to have a reboot rather then get too overwhelmed.

Secondary School is completely exhausting with not only all of the work, but also all of the social interactions. Keep a close eye on him if you notice signs of depression sneaking in. Most of all keep your trust and communication open with him and perhaps ask him to think through his weekly schedule moving forward so that there will be more time allocated for him to just be able to relax in the future.
Best of luck.

Unless your child is suffering from an actual mental illness I fail to see why you feel the need to label this a “mental health day” I’d label it more of a “Fancy a skive day” which is what this is. If he needs a day off you drop a day of his weekend activities not a compulsory day at school. If you are overloading your child with activities outside of school you need to address this, not keep him off school labelling it as “mental health” being a bit tired and can’t be arsed isn’t mental health, sorry. You shouldn’t be encouraging this as a parent. How much shall we bet he’ll be feeling tired during his exams, what are you going to do then?? Tell him to go to bed earlier or keep him off school?

@Soubriquet
Missing a day is a big deal. Especially to the teachers who then have to spend Extra time catching that student up.

Another one confused about why he needs to do jobs/chores with you on Saturday morning. Can’t you just let him have a mooch about, read a book, play some music or watch tv? Surely he’d be fine at home on his own for a bit. Or cancel the Sunday activities instead?
Like others have said I think you need a longer term solution.

I would let him. Sounds like he is very busy and everyone needs time to rest. I'd make sure he did any homework that was assigned that day

I'm a big advocate of mental health issues having them myself and 2 children with them BUT unless he is showing actual signs of strain I would say no.

He may be 11 but he's not stupid. He's trying his luck and it won't be a one off.

In my experience, those that need mental health days are the last to ask for it.

It's a no from me.

I would send him in, like other people have said, he may try it on again and again if you say yes now.

11 years old. New to school. It is exhausting but as he chose a specific day I think he wants to avoid something. I'd investigate. Maybe suggest another day and see how it goes ... Or give him a day off on the weekend. Pijama day on Sunday

I would be checking with the school first to confirm no tests etc on that day, or is it PE day or a day when he has to be in class with someone he doesn’t like or has been giving him hassle?

You need to look at things like is he getting enough sleep, down time generally (including not being on screens too much), eating well etc

Then I read;

“Well he has sports on Saturday too, and Sunday we're usually busy with friends so he gets days off school but not exactly relaxing doing nothing days, usually.” You honestly need to review this, down time is VERY important.

I am firmly of the belief that one of the reasons our dc are struggling with their Mh is they’re not encouraged to properly relax.

It is a skill, one I have not mastered and I suffer greatly with anxiety, my parents too had us doing something every day and talking to them now they now regret this, my sister also has an anxiety condition and my brother is a total adrenaline junkie and stops for nothing, he’s also in a high stress job, he’s not had definable problems as yet but I worry he’s headed for a crash at some point as I don’t believe that is healthy or sustainable.

You NEED to have a schedule for your ds (actually for the whole family!) that includes at least one down day a week. Especially as it sounds like he has a pretty full schedule through the week and as he goes through high school years the stress will increase and he’ll have more homework/study to do.

Teaching him to have a healthy life balance is just as important as educational achievement and indeed can help with educational achievement.

“Doing jobs” with you is also not the answer - you’re punishing him for being honest and admitting he needs some downtime, ok he went about it slightly wrong but you’re massively missing the point - he needs a REST. And not just this week every week.

Knock the Sunday stuff on the head - I’d suggest for all of you, everyone needs a quiet day once a week.