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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can I spend Christmas with my boyfriend even though I'm married?

141 replies

Tweedprincess · 05/11/2019 16:26

I split from my husband just over a year ago, met my new partner about 12 weeks later. Quite quickly realised we are serious but out of respect for the situation we have kept it quiet. We both have children but we have only met up when they are with their other parent. It is now coming up for Christmas and I wonder if it is now time for us to "come out" and spend Christmas Day together. He split with his ex three years ago. I'm still technically married but legally separated for a year (living separately) and a settlement has been agreed. Our children know each other and know us as the children are both in the same football club and we see each other at training sessions, but we have never all spent time together with us as a couple before. AIBU for us just to bite the bullet and spend Christmas together or should I wait for the divorce to be finalised? Our splits were quite acrimonious unfortunately and required legal action so I would expect a negative reaction from my ex.

OP posts:
Wherecanwegetoff123 · 05/11/2019 16:28

I wouldn't use christmas day as the first time. Better before or after really

iamruth · 05/11/2019 16:28

Honestly, if it were me I wouldn’t for my kids sake but only you can judge how they might feel/react. I personally would choose a less emotional time of year to rock the boat but that’s just me

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 05/11/2019 16:28

I think you'd be better coming out now. Why wait until Christmas, especially if it may cause aggro?

firsttimebuyer20 · 05/11/2019 16:29

I think if your children haven't all spent time together with you both as a couple yet then you should hold off.

The thought of a big family Christmas together is lovely but in reality I think emotions could potentially run high.

In your situation I would wait until after Christmas, then slowly start to introduce your children to your DP, and then to his children, with a longer term plan being that you may all be able to spend next Christmas together. That gives you 12 months to ensure everyone gets along and iron out any issues.

MrsMaiselsMuff · 05/11/2019 16:29

Christmas is the wrong time to do this.

EntropyRising · 05/11/2019 16:32

Christmas is absolutely the wrong time to do it.

Well done to you for dealing with the children sensitively, seems pretty rare on MN.

MissConductUS · 05/11/2019 16:32

Announce it now. Your ex can get stuffed if he doesn't like it.

If you wait until Christmas it will distract from the holidays.

kenandbarbie · 05/11/2019 16:33

I'd 'come out' as you say at a less emotional and contentious time. If the kids or anyone else is going to be upset / kick up a fuss, the timing would only amplify it. I'd leave it till the new year.

TulipsTwoLips · 05/11/2019 16:33

I’d wait til after Christmas tbh. It would give the children time to get used to it before they are forced to spend a special day together.

Bythebeach · 05/11/2019 16:33

I think Christmas is sensitive, special and difficult time to do this. I think it would be much kinder to your kids and exes to have your first time altogether at a much more neutral, much less provocative time. Can you not introduce some time altogether on a some weekend mornings or afternoons and if that goes well, perhaps a day in the Christmas holidays but actual Christmas Day/eve - afterall, however special this man is to you, he is not yet ‘family’ to your kids. There will be many christmases to come where, if they all get to know one another well, this may be possible. Don’t foist them on each other at such an emotionally charged occasion.

TotheletterofthelawTHELETTER · 05/11/2019 16:34

Far too much pressure to make Christmas the first time they all meet.

Dyrne · 05/11/2019 16:35

Springing it in to the children and expecting them to play happy families on Christmas Day with zero processing time is a recipe for disaster.

Introduce them now, maybe bring up the idea of popping round for a quick hello on Christmas Day; but expecting them to be happy spending Christmas with strangers whilst trying to deal with the fact their mum is in anew relationship is crazy!

SunniDay · 05/11/2019 16:35

Christmas would be a very emotionally charged time to do this. Start introducing the idea of your boyfriend but keep it low key for a while.

RedDogsBeg · 05/11/2019 16:35

Our splits were quite acrimonious unfortunately and required legal action so I would expect a negative reaction from my ex.

In light of this I would take your own advice and wait for the divorce to be finalised.

Do you really want Christmas to be marred for your children by a complete uproar from your ex? Wait until the divorce is finalised before introducing your boyfriend as your partner to your children.

funnylittlefloozie · 05/11/2019 16:37

No, not a first meeting at Christmas!!! If you both want to spend Christmas together with your children, make the introductions quite soon, so at least the children will have a chance to come to terms with things before Christmas Day itself.

My DP and i are still legally married to other people, both separated for some years. We have been together almost 18 months and he will be spending Christmas with me and my DD for the first time, which will be a bit weird, frankly.

Original poster
Tweedprincess · 05/11/2019 16:38

Just to clarify the children are aged 4 and 5 and they are already friends. We have all spent time together socially, just have not told the children we are together. It would only be my 4-year-old as it's not my boyfriend's year to have his DC on Christmas Day.

OP posts:
Elieza · 05/11/2019 16:38

Christmas is for your children primarily, however if they are with their dad for a few hours and your partners kids are with their mum for a few hours, no reason why you shouldn’t spend some kid-free time together. I wouldn’t introduce everyone at Christmas though. That could spoil the magic of Christmas for the kids, yours and his, not to mention piss your ex off, which I wouldn’t usually bother about, but when you have to get along with him for the kids it’s not worth the aggro.

Original poster
Tweedprincess · 05/11/2019 16:43

Just to clarify, our children are already friends but will only be my DC at Christmas as it's not his year to have his DC.

OP posts:
Preggosaurus9 · 05/11/2019 16:45

Even worse, your BF DC would find out he spent it with his "new family".

You've waited this long, wait literally 2 more weeks until mid January and do it properly. You only get one go at this and Christmas is the worst possible time to spring it on DC.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 05/11/2019 16:46

No! You don’t come out announcing a let’s face it very early days relationship on Christmas Day.

Also the dc dad doesn’t want to hear about there Christmas Day as mummy telling them about her new man. Sodding cruel

This is a massive fat No. Tell them now or after Christmas but NOT Christmas Day

Original poster
Tweedprincess · 05/11/2019 16:48

I feel the need to clarify that I wasn't intended to wrap my boyfriend in Christmas paper and present him to my DC as "new daddy" I did mean that I would make this arrangement now and tell the kids now with seven weeks to go hence my posting this now rather than on Christmas Eve!

OP posts:
kenandbarbie · 05/11/2019 16:51

Your updates don't change my answer. I'd keep Christmas special with my own dc and introduce the fact he's your boyfriend at a less contentious time in the new year. I would want to keep everything as stable as possible for my dc.

Original poster
Tweedprincess · 05/11/2019 16:51

I think my intention is quite clear by the sentence "I wonder if it is now time for us to "come out" and spend Christmas Day together" ie NOW is the time to "come out" ie tell everyone.

OP posts:
jayho · 05/11/2019 16:52

Agree with all the above, not Christmas Day. Is this your first Christmas separated?

You've got an additional challenge as if it isn't his turn to have his DC this Christmas then you won't match up next year. More reason to keep exes on side if you want the change this.

zafferana · 05/11/2019 16:54

No, I wouldn't do this at Christmas. Your DC may still be little, but it's too soon IMO to be playing happy families with another man at Christmas. By all means spend another day together doing something Christmassy, but I would keep Christmas for family. This relationship is too new to be including each other at a family time.