Can I spend Christmas with my boyfriend even though I'm married?

[Tweedprincess]

I split from my husband just over a year ago, met my new partner about 12 weeks later. Quite quickly realised we are serious but out of respect for the situation we have kept it quiet. We both have children but we have only met up when they are with their other parent. It is now coming up for Christmas and I wonder if it is now time for us to "come out" and spend Christmas Day together. He split with his ex three years ago. I'm still technically married but legally separated for a year (living separately) and a settlement has been agreed. Our children know each other and know us as the children are both in the same football club and we see each other at training sessions, but we have never all spent time together with us as a couple before. AIBU for us just to bite the bullet and spend Christmas together or should I wait for the divorce to be finalised? Our splits were quite acrimonious unfortunately and required legal action so I would expect a negative reaction from my ex.

Tell people now if you want. But I wouldn't be bringing him to spend Christmas with your child just yet. It's way too soon for happy families.

You're thinking of your own needs here and not your child.

Who else would be there at Christmas? Just the three of you or other family members? Do other family members know you are an item?

If it’s a shocker —which it will be to all but the loving couple— that’s Christmas buggered forever.

OP : AIBU
PP : 100% YABU
OP : yeah but x, y & z
PP : YABU
OP fucks off
Yawn

Really bad idea.

Coming out now, fine. Spending Christmas day together in 7/8 weeks? That's a really bad idea.

Presumably if you are having your children, their dad isnt, or is only seeing them for a few hours. Put yourself in his place.
A man is sitting at the table he sat at last year, eating dinner with his children, pulling crackers and having fun.
If the shoe were on the other foot, how would that make you feel?
Would you think it was a deliberate attempt to humiliate you?
I don't know the details of you divorce but the acrimonious split suggests hurt feelings and residual anger.
This would be pouring petrol on the fire.

Christmas Day is a bit of a statement....

What would the children want?

Far far too soon. Even if you tell everyone tomorrow it's still only seven weeks until
Christmas - far too soon to be playing "happy families" especially as his DC aren't going to be around.

How do you think they'd feel if they found out daddy was going to spend Christmas with you and your child and they weren't included?

Wait until your divorce goes through.

I think it is perfectly okay to say that you are together. Most marriages that end in divorce are looooooong dead before the split so it is not rare for one or both parties to find new partners soon. Besides... law is ridiculous in making you wait 2 years to apply for a divorce when you and your ex are ready to split.

I think the key thing is what arrangements you, your ex and your BF have decided for when it comes to Christmas. If you have decided that you are going to take turns to have the kids in Christmas Day (one year on, one year off), it would be thoughtful to let your ex have the kids first.

If you are thinking of splitting Christmas Day itself, DON’T. It is a nightmare in the making.

Yep it’s the time to tell people and slowly transition into being a couple

Christmas Day is not the time for it though that should be about you and your daughter

It’s not about your ex it’s about the children. Your DD needs the focus to be you and her
Your partners kids don’t need to find out and then have their dad play happy families with another child

What would the children want?

They are 4 and 5 apparently
Happygoldfinch. They need parents to make such decisions for them, keeping the dc's best interests paramount

Not Christmas day but over the holiday period, arrange to go out to eat somewhere.

I wonder if you are taking in what every response is telling you?

Your posts indicate you want to do it and are justifying yourself.

Poor kids

I think absolutely introduce the idea of you being in a relationship now, that’s fine.

But after your update I’d advise even more against having Christmas together. His DC will still be coping with the idea of her father having a new relationship and, especially at that age, will know that her Daddy is spending Christmas with someone else and their child, and not with her. That is massively emotionally charged and could set a completely wrong tone with you essentially telling a future possible stepchild that you don’t consider her to be “proper family”. Not entirely fair, but that’s how a small child will see it.

Since it was an acrimonious split I would get the divorce done first. As unfair as that might feel, risking your ex kicking off and starting to undo everything is not worth the risk.

I would say wait until the relationship has proven itself a bit more before introducing it. It can be confusing for children to meet new partners after their parents have separated, especially if your new relationship doesn't work out.

I would suggest, wait until next year.

Nobody thinks this a good idea, OP! Have a lovely Christmas with your DC, who will be so excited about everything at this age. Let them be the focus and save your own treat for another occasion.

Yes I would tell everyone now, he can spend Christmas day with you too.

I think you would have had different replies if you’d worded your question differently. I can see what you’re asking, but that’s not how it came across.

Your kids are very small, they’ll have no preconceptions about how Christmas should be or any idea that last Christmas was the last ‘family Christmas’ and 7 weeks until Christmas is forever at their age so there’s plenty of time.

However - it sort of depends on what happened in your marriage to end it & why it’s acrimonious 🤷🏻‍♀️ If you cheated on him and he’s facing his first Christmas on his own then I’d say it’s a bit heartless, but if he cheated on you then do as you please! abd varying thoughts in between depending on what happened.

But DP needs to think very carefully about how this will feel to HIS children as they’re all friends.

If HE had any sense he’d wait until next year when it’s his turn and you’ll presumably have yours for part of Christmas and you can have Christmas together Upsetting his kids isn’t going to be a good start to your ‘blended family’.

No reason you can’t go out to Christmas Work Parties & with friends etc though is threre?

Come out now: yes

Spend Christmas together: no

Another one
Aibu?
Yes?
No I'm not!

I think you would have had different replies if you’d worded your question differently. I can see what you’re asking, but that’s not how it came across

I can see there was some confusion to begin with , that OP was planning to make an announcement at Christmas. But that was cleared up quickly and the responses have been unanimously since.

What do you think posters are not understanding SpookilyBadOooooooh?