Can I spend Christmas with my boyfriend even though I'm married?

[Tweedprincess]

I split from my husband just over a year ago, met my new partner about 12 weeks later. Quite quickly realised we are serious but out of respect for the situation we have kept it quiet. We both have children but we have only met up when they are with their other parent. It is now coming up for Christmas and I wonder if it is now time for us to "come out" and spend Christmas Day together. He split with his ex three years ago. I'm still technically married but legally separated for a year (living separately) and a settlement has been agreed. Our children know each other and know us as the children are both in the same football club and we see each other at training sessions, but we have never all spent time together with us as a couple before. AIBU for us just to bite the bullet and spend Christmas together or should I wait for the divorce to be finalised? Our splits were quite acrimonious unfortunately and required legal action so I would expect a negative reaction from my ex.

Why ask if your BU and then get angry when told you are? You asked if Christmas was suitable most people have said no, don’t get angry! Also even if there aren’t kids involved it’s quite soon to be spending Christmas together- maybe slow down you’ve both got out of long commitments and there are kids in the picture too! Take a step back OP and slow down- what is the rush?

I would leave it. Despite the excitement, Christmas brings 4-year-olds this will be a difficult Christmas for your daughter. When your divorce is finalised I'd wait at least 2 months and then let the children know you are going on dates. Any contact after that needs to be done very slowly. I only introduced my partner to my children when I was fairly certain marriage was on the cards. They would never have met anyone who was not heading that way.

I really wouldn’t. Not unless you want your Christmas Day to result in a barney to rival the Eastenders Christmas Special.

Although given that it’s all so acrimonious I’m half wondering if that’s exactly what you want. To wind up your ex.

i think you could use this time to get to know eacohter but i would still still STILL have this christmas on your own whether they know by then or not.you can have meet up up to the day sure,so yes come out.
but for chrismtas day and it being the first with you seperated you need to have this with you and the kids.its needs to be no other person yet.not for the first year.its going to be one hell of a change for your little one and he will feel it.and being so young hes unlikely to even understand those feelings so will need you and all of you to be able to hold him through that.

Crikey, Christmas?

Its only really one day isnt it? One day for you and DD to have a special time opening presents together, and watching a nice movie or playing a game . Assuming your DH will be wanting contact over the festive season ,why not make New Year special for the two of you ?.Maybe into the new year, you could introduce BF to DD gradually and make plans for Easter ?.

Why not spend New Year's day together? Then it's more like an exciting new start (though don't bill it/over egg it as such) and wont take away from their christmas?

I feel like John McEnroe. You can't be serious . . . about this. It's such a bad idea. Your divorce isn't finalised. You anticipate a negative reaction from your ex. You'll spoil your DC's Christmas.
Is your new DP pushing for this because, otherwise, he is on his own this Christmas? If so, it's time to tell him your DC comes first. You'll have plenty of time for other Christmases together if this relationship lasts.

OP done a runner? Not surprised.

@GertiMJN.

What do you think posters are not understanding SpookilyBadOooooooh?

The fact that people are STILL going on about not ‘outing’ themselves at Christmas, when that was never her intention

Are you always this self- involved?

You have been in this relationship for around 9 months.
Personally I wouldn't even be thinking about making any introductions. It's far too early.
Your child has dealt with so much already in such a short space of time and doesn't need another thing to deal with. This should be your priority. The emotional well-being of the child, not the reaction of your ex. That's for him to deal with. And 9 months in, it wouldn't surprise me if he has something to say about his child involved.
It makes it worse because they know each other. Introducing him into your personal life in such a way will be more confusing for your child to deal with if you split up.

As for spending happy family on Christmas day? Nope. Maybe at a push, I would do it next year.

The announcement shouldn't be about the divorce. Your exes feelings. What you want. Your new boyfriend. It's about putting your child first.

I wouldn’t do it either

SpookilyBadOooooooh
yes, some posters seem unable to read properly, but that aside, the response to op's question about spending Christmas with bf has been unanimous.

You said that if she'd worded her OP differently she would have got different responses. I can aee she could have avoided the confusion, but do you really think posters would have agreed with her plan to spend Christmas day with new bf?

Practically, if your divorce was acrimonious, I would wait until it was final before risking your Ex finding out about your BF.

Then I think you need to forget about Christmas as such and think about how and which BFs you introduce to your DC. Are you likely to stay with your current BF long term? You met in emotional circumstances after a separation and haven’t been together a year yet. Give it a bit more time. Then take your time. Try introductions but without making plans for big occasions or holidays together. See if everyday life works together (not living together!) before taking the next step.

People also seem to miss that the bf and dc are already known to the OP's dc because of shared activity .

I think this gives op the ferling that the introductions have already happened so she can perhaps move through the stages faster i.e. its not the same as introducing a stranger and dc.

But she may not have considered that the change in dynamic from general friend to boyfriend may be confusing for the dc.

Just because they are familiar the same sliw approach should be taken.

But she may not have considered that the change in dynamic from general friend to boyfriend may be confusing for the dc.

But as a parent, that's exactly the issues she should be thinking about.

I find it odd that such a huge thing can just pass someone by.

I would do it now. Though it would be helpful to get financials signed off if the ex's are likely to take offence. I'm guessing you knew each other already so there could be accusations that you were having an affair

This wouldn’t be the best idea

I find it odd that such a huge thing can just pass someone by

Exactly Anotherlongdrive

OP seems blinkered to the needs of her dc. Even the way she's titled the OP is odd (or perhaps a freudian slip) - asking "Can I spend Christmas with my boyfriend..."

Not a question about her dc ....

YABU. The last year of your DC's life has been about their parents battling an acrimonious divorce. Do not ruin their Christmas by springing this on them 7 weeks before Christmas. This is your year to have them, prioritise them over someone you have only been dating for 9 months (if even). You underestimate the impact this may have on them.

*But she may not have considered that the change in dynamic from general friend to boyfriend may be confusing for the dc.

But as a parent, that's exactly the issues she should be thinking about.

I find it odd that such a huge thing can just pass someone by.*

So do I. It's all her, the ex, the boyfriend, the divorce. What about the bloody impact on the child? She needs to stop thinking with her fanny and start thinking of her child.

I would do it now

And what about the child?
The op has been seeing him for 9 months.
Until 12 months ago the child was living with both parents.

How does involving that man into the child's life benefit the child?

They should be kept separate for a long time to allow the child to come to terms and process what has happened in his life over the past year. He may be young, that doesn't mean he will just get over with it and accept such another huge change in his life.

At the rate the op is going, there will be another huge change in a couple of months time when the man moves in.

But the boyfriend should also be against it, considering he also has a young child.
I know his child isn't the ops problem as such. But potentially there are 2 innocent children tangled up in this that aren't really being considered. At least not by op.

Thank you to everyone who posted a considered response. I will wait until after Christmas. I really appreciate your input and advice and the time you've taken to think about the situation and the welfare for both DCs. To all those who felt the need to attack and criticise me for "thinking with my fanny" and being a terrible mother - you sound all rather petty and bitter and I expected nothing less from the minority of rather cruel keyboard warriors on MN and I have simply ignored you. To all the ones who misread it ie this is a 12 week relationship then you just made yourself look rather ignorant and stupid - I wish you well with your attempt to improve your ability to read. I won't be reading any more comments so feel free to release the vitriol and I hope it helps your emotional development towards becoming an adult.