Can I spend Christmas with my boyfriend even though I'm married?

[Tweedprincess]

I split from my husband just over a year ago, met my new partner about 12 weeks later. Quite quickly realised we are serious but out of respect for the situation we have kept it quiet. We both have children but we have only met up when they are with their other parent. It is now coming up for Christmas and I wonder if it is now time for us to "come out" and spend Christmas Day together. He split with his ex three years ago. I'm still technically married but legally separated for a year (living separately) and a settlement has been agreed. Our children know each other and know us as the children are both in the same football club and we see each other at training sessions, but we have never all spent time together with us as a couple before. AIBU for us just to bite the bullet and spend Christmas together or should I wait for the divorce to be finalised? Our splits were quite acrimonious unfortunately and required legal action so I would expect a negative reaction from my ex.

Don’t do Christmas together. Personally I would hold off telling them at all until January and then arrange low key and short meet ups. Christmas is way to emotive.

@SpookilyBadOooooooh nah. OP clearly wants people to tell her it's okay for her boyfriend to spend Christmas with her and her 4yo, even though, at seven weeks before Christmas, the 4yo doesn't know anything about the new partner.

Everyone agrees that it's a bad idea.

You want to use the most emotive time of year to introduce an emotional bombshell to your kids & ex?! Aye, crack on OP, sounds like a great way to make this Christmas memorable

Last Christmas must have been quite difficult for your dc, based on this alone I would say no.

I understood what she meant straight away.

Tell people and the kids they were in a relationship now, have Christmas together.

Ita an awful idea

Terrible idea imo. I remember various boyfriends joining us for Christmas over the years as a child and it was horrible. I never felt comfortable with them around and never felt like my home was my own on the day I looked forward to the most as a child. My mum would be tense hoping we'd behave ourselves for the boyfriend and we could feel that tension.

I appreciate you're talking about one boyfriend and aren't planning on having various ones in the future but you're only 12 weeks in so you can't be sure. I'm assuming this is also the kids first Christmas without dad? Plus as a PP pointed out, how are his kids going to feel that daddy spent the day with their friends and not them?

As a child of divorce don’t do this. Don’t make your first blended family time together something as big as Christmas. Give them a year of non “special” times hanging out, then try Christmas together. Expectating your kids to share Christmas with a family that aren’t yours and kind of being forced to play happy families is A LOT to deal with emotionally

Useful perspectives for OP there from ExhaustedGrinch and Whocutdown. He probably won't be your last boyfriend so try to base Christmas round the child/ren rather than your new relationship.

but you're only 12 weeks in
You've misread the OP ExhaustedGrinch

She wrote I split from my husband just over a year ago, met my new partner about 12 weeks later

So its longer than 12 weeks and not the first Christmas since split. But all the opinions still concur that her plan would be unreasonable

Sooner or later you've got to do it! Why wait? There will never be a "right" time. Your ex won't like it, whenever it happens.

Singlenotsingle
Does your advice include advocating that the new dp spends Christmas day with the OP and dc ....?

I think most posters are saying be open about your relationship now but Christmas day is a bad idea.

Sooner or later you've got to do it! Why wait? There will never be a "right" time. Your ex won't like it, whenever it happens.

Because this is their first Christmas with separated parents and the children aren't even aware that there is a relationship at all.

By all means tell the children they're in a relationship but it's far too soon to expect them to spend Christmas together. Especially as one of the children won't even be included, so will have to cope with her dad spending Christmas with another women and her child instead!

I think it's a terrible idea. Wait until some time in the New Year. A year is still early days.

I agree with everyone else. This is your children’s first Christmas without their Daddy. They need your full attention.

YABU. Christmas is not a good time. There's no reason you can't wait. It hasn't even been a year.

If there’s a risk you could ruin Christmas for either child from now onwards, I’d not take that risk.

Btw I’ve read your other posts, either way, Christmas Day should be about family OP

Sorry, OP. Another one who thinks it's fine to tell your DC about your BF now, but it would be colossally insensitive to expect your child to spend Christmas day with your BF just a few weeks after finding out about the relationship. Just don't.

How to ruin your children's Christmas, part 1 'Merry Christmas, here's my Boyfriend'. Next episode - 'Moving My Boyfriend In On Junior's Birthday'

OP - you've made your mind up.

Why are you asking!

I think spending Christmas together is too much too soon for your DC. If it was under a year ago your DC are still coming to turns with their parents splitting up and I think it’s too much to ask them to spend Christmas with your new boyfriend. You may want to spend it with him but Christmas is t about you, it’s about the kids and it will be more awkward for them to have to spend it with a man they don’t know. If it’s your ex’s first Christmas without the kids it’ll sort of be rubbing it in his face a bit that his kids are spending it with another man.

Now may be the time to introduce your ex and kids to the idea you have a boyfriend, but I think it’s far too soon to be thinking to have him spend Christmas with your family this year. Take things slow in terms of him spending time with the DC and don’t start inserting him into family celebrations yet.

OP, I asked this earlier up thread: Do you really want Christmas to be marred for your children by a complete uproar from your ex?

Further to that is having your new boyfriend with you and your child on Christmas Day really so important to you that you will take the risk of spoiling the whole event for your child and his and causing unnecessary ructions with both exes?

If you and your boyfriend are going to be together long term there will be plenty of other Christmases for you to spend together with and without your respective children, don't be selfish and insist on having this one together, put the children's best interests first.

you mean tell your kids now that hes spending christmas day with you? absolutely not

let them get to know him after christmas, dont ruin their christmas

The only person who might be negatively impacted by this is your DC.

It doesn't make a blind bit of difference to any of us, so don't canvass for opinions from randoms, that you have no intention of taking.

Again:

Your divorce is acrimonious and not finalised yet, you know this will cause problems so why on earth are you adding fuel to the fire?
If this relationship is worth anything then there really doesn’t need to be any rush.