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AIBU?

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Original poster

Shop staff took my daughter out of her trolley seat

408 replies

mummydoingamasters · 05/11/2019 13:27

Soooo, first time posting but I need a head wobble I think.
I have a tendency for the dramatics but this really did upset me.
Second time mum, DS2 and DD 12 weeks. We went shopping at a local supermarket and DD hates being moved around (who doesn't).
First off, there were no baby trolleys or car seat trolleys so I had to ask for the shop to let me use the one they were keeping indoors.
Walking round, DD starts to cry, a 'I've been disturbed and I'm going to make you pay for it' cry. A member of staff walking past started to touch her bare hand in an attempt to settle her. This member of staff was wearing work gloves and I don't know what she had been handling whilst wearing those gloves. I pushed the trolley on already embarrassed by the noise DD was making.
We get to the till and the member of staff on the till gets up, walks behind me to the trolley, unbuckles DD and has her up on her shoulder trying go to settle her while I'm unloading my shopping. There is no exchange, no attempt to engage with me if this is even ok just does it. I notice when another member of staff joins her and have to say that I don't like it when strangers pick up/touch/handle my child. She said she was trying to help as I was busy with the shopping and she thought it would help me. My thought process would probably have been to help with the shopping, not the strangers child or is it me that's wrong?!

I get home, tell my DP about it and he goes nuts. I'm usually the one to lose my temper quite quickly when it comes to the DC's but he was really unhappy. Understandably on reflection. I felt really outnumbered and caught off guard which is why I said nothing more than already stated but getting home and replaying it, I really think I down played this?

AIBU to contact the company and complain or am I being a fractious mum who needs to get over herself?

OP posts:
GrapefruitGin · 05/11/2019 16:04

All that you had to do was say "You deal with the shopping

Please don’t ever be this rude to a shop worker.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 05/11/2019 16:05

They were trying to help, OP. Sounds like you are pretty stressed, hope all is okay.

MidnightMystery · 05/11/2019 16:08

I'd complain OP in my opinion the staff's job is to deal with customers and the shopping not the customers children. Total line crossed good intentions or not the least she could have done was ask if it was ok! I'd have been angry.

Jellybeansincognito · 05/11/2019 16:10

Oh my goodness @AgnesGrundy.

I don’t even know where to start with that 😕.

Op ignore that. Of course you’re meeting your children’s needs, you needed shopping- like everyone.
You can’t hold them 24/7 else you’d drive yourself mad.
Your baby isn’t going to self combust and hate you forever because you left them in the shopping trolly crying for 5 minutes whilst you got on with the necessary.

The amount of times I spent pacing the house with my 2 when tiny, every evening when the colic set in, I’d hate some judgemental patronising person thinking I was just ignoring them, when that wasn’t the case.

MrMumble · 05/11/2019 16:13

AgnesGrundy

Leaving a baby to cry all night is a world away from rushing to finish a shop whilst your baby cries for 20 minutes. Of course is isn't ideal but then life isn't ideal. If we argue that this 'isn't meeting babies needs' then we can also argue that taking a baby on a car journey where they scream or on the bus, or to an appointment. Anything where you might not be able to immediately respond.
I have always responded to my DS, never sleep trained, etc etc. He still screamed sometimes, a lot when he was about the age of the OPs baby. I couldn't shut myself up in the house and never leave the sofa because that would have destroyed me so yes, sometimes he screamed in the pushchair.
The OP never said that she wasn't talking to her baby, she never said that she was ignoring her baby, just that she was trying to get the shopping done as quickly as possible.

Mamibaer · 05/11/2019 16:14

I completely understand you and your partner being upset - I would be so mad if a total random took my baby out of his carrier, especially as you said they didn't even engage with you! I wouldn't care if they were trying to help - do not touch my child without asking!! I think you're right to complain - they need to learn boundaries.

AgnesGrundy · 05/11/2019 16:15

MrMumble she said it was good for the baby to have a bit of a cry instead of being pandered to, and that the baby was crying because she was cold.

User12879923378 · 05/11/2019 16:17

I would never pick up someone else's baby, however hard it was crying, without getting permission to do it, and I would be very angry if someone had done that with my baby. I don't think there is anything remotely irrational about finding that unacceptable. I have seen lots of crying babies in lots of different public settings and I have never seen anyone pick up someone else's baby without asking. I wouldn't pick up a friend's baby without asking.

I do think you were a bit irrational to be upset about the work glove.

User12879923378 · 05/11/2019 16:22

"she said it was good for the baby to have a bit of a cry instead of being pandered to, and that the baby was crying because she was cold"

I don't agree that it's good for babies to cry, but if you're watching that situation and want to help what you do is offer to pack the shopping so that Mum can give the baby a cuddle. You do not unbuckle the baby and hold it yourself unless you have asked for permission and been given it.

MrMumble · 05/11/2019 16:23

she said it was good for the baby to have a bit of a cry instead of being pandered to, and that the baby was crying because she was cold.

She said that she was told that by the HV and that the baby was unhappy about being moved from comfy car seat to cold uncomfortable trolley seat, not that she was actually cold.

lotsofoysters · 05/11/2019 16:23

Imagine if she took someone’s purse for example thinking they couldn’t do it themselves.

I would bet most people would be pissed off if a supermarket worker took their purse out of their hands and counted out the money themselves under the guise of "helping", without saying a word first. But apparently it's totally fine with babies Confused

TheQueef · 05/11/2019 16:24
Shock Some of these replies...... I'm going back to the sleb gossip thread, restore my faith a bit Hmm
Jellybeansincognito · 05/11/2019 16:28

I know, I really don’t understand it. The worker needs to learn some boundary’s @lotsofoysters
God forbid there was something wrong with OPs baby where taking her out could have caused some harm- rare yes, but possible. Would people be annoyed then?

Reallybadidea · 05/11/2019 16:34

God forbid there was something wrong with OPs baby where taking her out could have caused some harm- rare yes, but possible

So that would be a condition where lying in a supermarket seat is fine, but picking up baby isn't fine?

Celebelly · 05/11/2019 16:35

Look, I think it was a bit off of them not to ask but some of the hand-wringing and hyperbole on this thread is nuts Grin Calm down, folks!

User12879923378 · 05/11/2019 16:37

It's really not about whether or not there was something wrong with the baby that meant picking her up could harm her. It's about respecting a parent's right to make decisions for their child unless they are being abusive, and whilst I don't agree with OP's HV that cuddling a crying 3 month old baby is "pandering" to it, I don't think that any social worker or medic would agree that leaving a baby secured in a trolley seat to cry for a couple of minutes whilst the shopping is packed up is child abuse.

MsTSwift · 05/11/2019 16:38

I always look at the motive and the motive here seems to be trying however clumsily to help. So wouldn’t occur to me to complain

NKFell · 05/11/2019 16:39

Goodness me! This thread is bonkers!

Yeah, not cool to just pick up your baby BUT she was clearly trying to help. No need to "go nuts" you psychos. Grin

lotsofoysters · 05/11/2019 16:40

So that would be a condition where lying in a supermarket seat is fine, but picking up baby isn't fine?

Could be quite a few things where picking up a baby incorrectly could harm it in some way. Possible hidden things under clothes - a bandage over an injury or surgery site, feeding tube, etc.

My grandma is fine to go to a supermarket. She struggles with walking. Woe betide anyone who just grabs her elbow to help her down the steps without asking first - it's very fragile and peiome have hurt her before. Just ask before helping, it isn't hard!

churchandstate · 05/11/2019 16:41

NKFell

It’s not being a “psycho” to be clear that randoms shouldn’t be picking up your newborn, or to be angry if that happens. It’s being a good parent. People shouldn’t be helping themselves to helpless babies for a cuddle or for any other reason. They’re in the care of their parents. Hmm

Happyspud · 05/11/2019 16:45

Crazy world we live in. The preciousness!

TryingToBeBold · 05/11/2019 16:45

@churchandstate I think your phrasing is off.
Just because I am more open to letting people/randomers handle or pick up my child does not make me a bad parent... Hmm

Original poster
mummydoingamasters · 05/11/2019 16:46

AgnesGrundy I don't know where to begin.
As someone pointed out, an old school HV advised it's not a bad thing to let them cry rather than immediately picking them up because they cry. I also said I seek a second opinion and alternative advice if I don't agree or even question them directly if I don't like the sound of it.
I have a 2 year old who survived this method and he's doing alright if I do say so myself.

As someone else pointed out, she was moved from a snug and enclosed fleece lined car seat to a cold hard trolley seat. She herself was not cold, she was just mightily pissed off being plucked from her cosy place to a hard unforgiving trolley seat.

She wasn't screaming in a distressed way. I know this as her parent so to all concerned for her welfare, please don't worry. She was crying and expressing her displeasure in that way babies only know how.

I'm lucky that I can tell people when I don't like what they're doing, much like I told this member of staff, but my 12 week old doesn't have that capacity. She will not be harmed mentally, physically or emotionally from a little cry.

To anyone concerned about my well-being, thank you. I'm just about fine and dandy. I think hating going shopping with a toddler and a baby is quite normal.

OP posts:
JenniferM1989 · 05/11/2019 16:46

Have you always been such a victim? They were helping you. I would love it if this was the type of world we lived in where people helped each other out and helped parents that are struggling but sadly we live in a don't touch my baby kind of world where putting them in a grubby trolly is ok but someone touching them? Oh dear god no, they'll get rabies

churchandstate · 05/11/2019 16:47

TryingToBeBold

In your view. In mine, I would be a bad parent if I let strangers grab my newborn. That’s why I don’t do it. I can’t help that we have different opinions of that.

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