Shop staff took my daughter out of her trolley seat

[mummydoingamasters]

Soooo, first time posting but I need a head wobble I think.
I have a tendency for the dramatics but this really did upset me.
Second time mum, DS2 and DD 12 weeks. We went shopping at a local supermarket and DD hates being moved around (who doesn't).
First off, there were no baby trolleys or car seat trolleys so I had to ask for the shop to let me use the one they were keeping indoors.
Walking round, DD starts to cry, a 'I've been disturbed and I'm going to make you pay for it' cry. A member of staff walking past started to touch her bare hand in an attempt to settle her. This member of staff was wearing work gloves and I don't know what she had been handling whilst wearing those gloves. I pushed the trolley on already embarrassed by the noise DD was making.
We get to the till and the member of staff on the till gets up, walks behind me to the trolley, unbuckles DD and has her up on her shoulder trying go to settle her while I'm unloading my shopping. There is no exchange, no attempt to engage with me if this is even ok just does it. I notice when another member of staff joins her and have to say that I don't like it when strangers pick up/touch/handle my child. She said she was trying to help as I was busy with the shopping and she thought it would help me. My thought process would probably have been to help with the shopping, not the strangers child or is it me that's wrong?!

I get home, tell my DP about it and he goes nuts. I'm usually the one to lose my temper quite quickly when it comes to the DC's but he was really unhappy. Understandably on reflection. I felt really outnumbered and caught off guard which is why I said nothing more than already stated but getting home and replaying it, I really think I down played this?

AIBU to contact the company and complain or am I being a fractious mum who needs to get over herself?

@JenniferM1989 ironically my OH isn't opposed to randomers touching the baby.. but those grimy trolley seats? Big no

I'd have probably completely and inappropriately kissed them! Shopping with a screaming baby and toddler is the pits. You feel everyone is looking at you.

Silence - you can be inconspicuous again

@churchandstate it's quite insulting that you'd happily pull the bad parent card to those who do let others hold the baby.
Not doubting you're a good parent. More cautious maybe. Doesn't mean everyone else who isn't as cautious as you is a bad parent..

@Happyspud yes, so precious to want some control over who is in charge of and holding their child.

It's not that strangers can never touch a child. It's that strangers can never touch a child without the parent's permission (unless they are imminently in danger, I would assume). Honestly, it's not a difficult concept.

*just to add.. just because you don't let strangers hold your baby.. doesn't mean you're a good parent. Cautious. Not good.

TryingToBeBold

It’s also insulting to be called a psycho for saying I would be angry if someone did this when, in my view, it’s totally inappropriate. There isn’t a “bad parent card” - there are things that I think are okay and things I don’t. I can’t help that.

Let me say that first, I completely understand not feeling comfortable with people touching me or my babies. But, and it's a huge but, lol, your child is precious to you, of course, but absolutely nothing is going to happen from someone trying to be friendly and help out. It was a very kind gesture on their part. Woman to woman, camaraderie, sisterhood, whatever. The sentiment behind it was absolutely beautiful. If you were that paranoid, uncomfortable, all you had to do was say, "I 'd much rather tend to her myself, if you want to help could you help unload" or whatever. Beyond that is truly turning a beautiful gesture into something ugly, and the world is worse off everytime someone reacts that way. For lack of a better way to put it, it is an OTT precious reaction.

Again, i really do relate to the instinctive reaction, but being older now and having more world experience, I think over reactions are awful and keep kind people from reaching out to one another, for fear of rejection/consequences. Now I love it when I see woman helping woman. Even if they do it wrong or whatever, the intention to do good for each other far outweighs awkward mistakes. As long as people don't freak out and act like their child is something that will burst into flames if someone other than mum picks him/her up. Complaining to the company is outrageous imo.

just because you don't let strangers hold your baby.. doesn't mean you're a good parent. Cautious. Not good.

It’s not actually that I would never let a stranger hold my baby. It’s that I am not okay with strangers grabbing my baby from her pram without permission from me. And in my opinion, no good parent should be. If that offends, then 🤷🏻‍♀️

. I would love it if this was the type of world we lived in where people helped each other out and helped parents that are struggling but sadly we live in a don't touch my baby kind of world where putting them in a grubby trolly is ok but someone touching them?

That really isn't the problem. Helping a struggling parent would be asking what best to do to assist, or being supportive and that's important. Taking a baby from a seat, especially when the parent isn't looking is inappropriate. Again, it takes seconds to ask and there is absolutely no reason not to!

Woman to woman, camaraderie, sisterhood, whatever. The sentiment behind it was absolutely beautiful.

You'd feel the same way if a random man in aisle 4 had swooped in and picked the baby up out of the trolley to comfort it, too?

I have raised 4 children and I can not stand people I do not know touching my child. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and I know that affects my view on this but people feeling entitled to touch people that cant say no, especially children is what led to me being abused. The woman is employed as a SHOP asistant, and not a child care assistant and she massively overstepped the mark here. What if she had dropped the baby? what if the baby had vomitted spectacularly all over her work uniform? Strangers should NEVER feel entitled to pick up a baby that they do not have permission to touch. If the child can not consent, then the parent/carer must otherwise it is unwanted and unauthorised.

I didn't think cashiers were allowed to leave their tills.....

JenniferM1989
I don't think this is me being a victim but thank you for your perspective

I would have been grateful. It would never have occurred to me to be alarmed or worried.

She was trying to help, but I understand its help you didn't want or ask for and she should have asked before picking up your dc.
When my dc were small I was grateful if someone helped rather than judging and frowning. I remember a young waiter offering to take my
fractious baby so I could eat, I was so grateful he was amazing with her, sadly I think 15 years on this kind of help would be frowned upon by many people and they woudn't allow it which is quite sad.

@mummydoingamasters

Not read any of the thread, as I can't be bothered to read almost 250 posts, but I am on your side here. YANBU. I would not have liked anyone touching my baby either. A total stranger has no right to touch your baby. I mean, she meant no harm (probably,) but that's not the point, you have EVERY right to be miffed. Don't let it get you down though, and don't bother reporting it.

She should have asked. Or said that she'd sort out your shopping for you so that you can attend to your baby.

this would be unlikely to bother me in this context. people really do just want to help. we've all become so detached from our communities and people we don't know feel like enemies sometimes, it's sad.

i do remember once being in a corner shop when DS was a baby an extremely drunk irish couple were fussing over him, and they gave him a fiver for luck! that freaked me out a bit in a sort of public invasion was but still totally harmless in the end.

I'd have quite possibly gone ballistic...

I'd be okay if someone asked, but to turn around and find someone else who I don't know from Adam or Eve holding my child? Nope. Not happening.

I'd have probably completely and inappropriately kissed them!
If you’d put your mouth on my child I’d have slapped you in it. You clearly know it’s inappropriate so why do it? Or do you think your desire to kiss my child comes ahead of my wishes as the mother and my child’s bodily autonomy? 😡

I remember a young waiter offering to take my
fractious baby so I could eat, I was so grateful he was amazing with her, sadly I think 15 years on this kind of help would be frowned upon by many people and they woudn't allow it which is quite sad.

I'd love it if a waiter offered to hold my baby so I could eat. However, I would be furious if a waiter came over and took my baby out of the highchair for a cuddle without even asking first.

@TiceCream that poster meant she would kiss the shop worker not the baby

I read @itsgettingweird's comment as she'd have kissed anyone who helped her with a screaming child not that she'd have kissed the baby.

Exactly @lotsofoysters Help is great, when offered.
You can’t just randomly un-strap and pick up a baby though.

This member of staff was wearing work gloves and I don't know what she had been handling whilst wearing those gloves.

Yes, it’s clearly obvious that you have a tendency for dramatics. I mean when was the last time you’ve washed your hands prior to this exchange?

I would have taken this whole things as a “ The woman probably sympathises with what I’m going through and is trying to help”.