Shop staff took my daughter out of her trolley seat

[mummydoingamasters]

Soooo, first time posting but I need a head wobble I think.
I have a tendency for the dramatics but this really did upset me.
Second time mum, DS2 and DD 12 weeks. We went shopping at a local supermarket and DD hates being moved around (who doesn't).
First off, there were no baby trolleys or car seat trolleys so I had to ask for the shop to let me use the one they were keeping indoors.
Walking round, DD starts to cry, a 'I've been disturbed and I'm going to make you pay for it' cry. A member of staff walking past started to touch her bare hand in an attempt to settle her. This member of staff was wearing work gloves and I don't know what she had been handling whilst wearing those gloves. I pushed the trolley on already embarrassed by the noise DD was making.
We get to the till and the member of staff on the till gets up, walks behind me to the trolley, unbuckles DD and has her up on her shoulder trying go to settle her while I'm unloading my shopping. There is no exchange, no attempt to engage with me if this is even ok just does it. I notice when another member of staff joins her and have to say that I don't like it when strangers pick up/touch/handle my child. She said she was trying to help as I was busy with the shopping and she thought it would help me. My thought process would probably have been to help with the shopping, not the strangers child or is it me that's wrong?!

I get home, tell my DP about it and he goes nuts. I'm usually the one to lose my temper quite quickly when it comes to the DC's but he was really unhappy. Understandably on reflection. I felt really outnumbered and caught off guard which is why I said nothing more than already stated but getting home and replaying it, I really think I down played this?

AIBU to contact the company and complain or am I being a fractious mum who needs to get over herself?

TryingToBeBold I get that she was well meaning, but next time she could do it to someone who is violent, triggered, FTM. My concern comes from her perspective just as much mine.

I've worked in nurseries, after school clubs and family drinking establishments. I assumed this was an unspoken boundary that we just don't cross. I've never been trained not to pick up a strangers child but I still manage not to do it.

Recently at soft play, my DS was playing on a seesaw and I was rocking him on it. He loves it. Another little boy wanted to join in but I asked his carers permission to do it and they helped him on and off because it's not my place to handle someone else's child.

I appreciate everyone is accepting of different kinds of help. I love that people want to coo over her, but picking her up without asking was a step too far from comfort for me personally.

She's 12 weeks old, what kind of health visitor tells you it's healthy for her to cry rather than "be pandered to"?

Shopping with a toddler and a newborn/ small baby is stressful, but you don't push the baby around the supermarket screaming, you take them out if the trolley and carry them if they are crying!

All toddlers are different and some are flight risks I know, but most like to help and will enjoy putting light items from low shelves into the trolley and being a genuine appreciated little helper!

Watching and listening to someone ignoring their screaming tiny baby - far too young for it to be a tantrum, which is different - is almost unbearable. It's not the fact it's annoying, it's the fact that the baby is distressed and being ignored.

I agree it's not unreasonable to leave babies to have a little cry, but only if you've met all their needs. Personally, I think wanting a cuddle is a reasonable need for a 12 week old though. And I wouldn't say 20 minutes is a "liitle cry" either though. Having said that, I don't think that you're neglectful, it's just not how I chose to parent.

Poor woman was only trying to help.

They were trying to help but should have asked. Waiting to get on a plane once there was a young mum struggling to hold bags/baby/fold pushchair. I asked if I could help - expecting her to pass me the pushchair - however she passed me the baby!

I guess there are some of us here that would be grateful for the minutes break. Others not so much.
We all have different approaches to parenting

*others not so much meaning not keen on a stranger approaching rather than not being grateful. I'm sure we would all be grateful for a minutes break.

I'm shocked and I would have gone completely nuts and made a formal complaint. She could have helped with the shopping.

This feels to me like a very personal intrusion. I wonder how people would feel if this stranger was picking up your handbag to help? Chatting up your huffy DH? Parking your car without being asked? Weeding your garden? A baby isn't public property, it's your closest relation and most precious 'possession'.

She was upset because she had been taken out of a fleece lined car seat and put into a cold trolley baby seat. Unavoidable as this was the only trolley to accommodate her at 12 weeks. My DS was walking alongside as there was no second seat for him and he didn't want sit in the trolley.
I stopped in an attempt to settle her but she wanted to go back to sleep. She was clean, clothed, fed and burped.

Many HV's round my way are old school. We just lost over 40 HV's in our area and some advice is outdated. I take it with a pinch of salt, but if I know I can easily remedy her upset then I get done quickly. Shopping can easily take up to an hour when we mooch and she can stay in her car seat, we were just unlucky there was no suitable trolley I guess.

I love that people want to coo over her, but picking her up without asking was a step too far from comfort for me personally.

I'm sorry OP but the baby wasn't lifted because the staff wanted to 'coo' over her, she was lifted because she had been crying for half the time you were doing your shopping. Whether or not that's reasonable is a matter of opinion, but don't kid yourself your baby was handled by staff for any reason other than to shut her up comfort her.

*as in if I doubt the advice I get a second opinion or question it. I'm not passive, if I doubt something I will ask. Like in this instance, I didn't like that she picked her up so I said something and then took her back.

Easily remedied as in getting the much needed task done quicker for overall peace and quiet.

Chatting up your huffy DH? Parking your car without being asked? Weeding your garden?

Yes please! The first would be hilarious, I'm shit at reverse parking in our new car, and I bloody hate gardening. If I came home and someone had randomly done the weeding I'd think they were an angel sent from above!

They do this all the time in my local Morrison's: I know them by name now. My dd 4 months loves the attention and it helps me massively.

Rainbowconfetti oh I have no doubt people wanted to shut her up, but it's not their job to do this. If they did their actual job, I'd have been out quicker. She actually held me up by leaving the till to pick DD up.

YANBU at all. I would have gone nuts if a stranger had picked up my tiny baby without asking me. Lots of people here would too, I suspect. It’s a very odd thing to do.

I think you’re having a hard time here. I work in a supermarket (the clues in the name ) and I’ve held many a crying baby, pushed lots of trolleys while mum/dad held crying babies and gently cajoled many a toddler but I would never pick a baby up without asking first.

I always ask what I can do to help and then do as the caregiver suggests.

I also don’t go shoving my hands into prams or carseats. It’s a pet hate of mine. You can coo over a lovely baby without getting all up in their little faces.

I wouldn’t have been happy with that. They defo should have helped with the shopping and not unbuckled your child - if that was me I’d want eyes on my child as you don’t know these people from Adam and I’d be thinking of a potential kidnap scenario.

I wouldn’t complain but if it ever happens again Say no

YABU- I had four and my third daughter was never happy out shopping as a baby, hollered her head off, tried everything and always got disapproving looks. If only I'd had the same response as you, I think they were being caring and trying to help and should have been gratefully accepted with a thank you.

This is the normally the kind of story that goes viral for positive reasons. ‘People should be kinder to one another’ ‘reach out and offer help to those who look like they need it’ etc etc etc.

reach out and offer help to those who look like they need it

But she didn't offer help. Offering would have been great. She just picked up a baby without asking.

I would 100% complain. Who cares if she was only 'trying to help'. Completly innapropriate and unprofessional. As a PP said babies aren’t public property.

With my PFB I would have been fuming. Shopping yesterday with DC2 who is 2 weeks old and I would have been grateful she was getting some attention 😂

YABVU
The only thing that needed to be said is Thank You and DP could watch his children while you shop if he is so arsed.

reach out and offer help to those who look like they need it

It isn't offering help if you don't ask.
People may look like they need help, but don't.
People may need help but not the kind you're offering.
That's why you bloody ask first!

I wonder how many of the people who think it's fine would randomly go over to someone who had a screaming baby in a carseat and take it out of the carseat and cuddle it without saying a word to the parent first.

I get why your a bit upset with this, to take a child without saying anything is a bit strange. However they were only trying to help, I’d let it go this time and just put it down to one of those things.

Forget about it and enjoy the rest of your day.