Shop staff took my daughter out of her trolley seat

[mummydoingamasters]

Soooo, first time posting but I need a head wobble I think.
I have a tendency for the dramatics but this really did upset me.
Second time mum, DS2 and DD 12 weeks. We went shopping at a local supermarket and DD hates being moved around (who doesn't).
First off, there were no baby trolleys or car seat trolleys so I had to ask for the shop to let me use the one they were keeping indoors.
Walking round, DD starts to cry, a 'I've been disturbed and I'm going to make you pay for it' cry. A member of staff walking past started to touch her bare hand in an attempt to settle her. This member of staff was wearing work gloves and I don't know what she had been handling whilst wearing those gloves. I pushed the trolley on already embarrassed by the noise DD was making.
We get to the till and the member of staff on the till gets up, walks behind me to the trolley, unbuckles DD and has her up on her shoulder trying go to settle her while I'm unloading my shopping. There is no exchange, no attempt to engage with me if this is even ok just does it. I notice when another member of staff joins her and have to say that I don't like it when strangers pick up/touch/handle my child. She said she was trying to help as I was busy with the shopping and she thought it would help me. My thought process would probably have been to help with the shopping, not the strangers child or is it me that's wrong?!

I get home, tell my DP about it and he goes nuts. I'm usually the one to lose my temper quite quickly when it comes to the DC's but he was really unhappy. Understandably on reflection. I felt really outnumbered and caught off guard which is why I said nothing more than already stated but getting home and replaying it, I really think I down played this?

AIBU to contact the company and complain or am I being a fractious mum who needs to get over herself?

[mummydoingamasters]

Lovemenorca no I wasn't watching 'gormlessly' I was unloading the shopping so she could scan it, I could then pack it into bags and pay for it, as I have done at many shops previously to this trip.

No, the village members were busy yesterday. DP was at work, my DM was also at work, my DF is absent, my DS is 2 so a little young to settle his sister, my in laws also work, have families and responsibilities. My village is pretty small but I'm not so uptight or 'clenched' that I won't ask for help. The fact is, I didn't need help. I needed the staff member to do her job so I could get home. That might come across really callous, but if I stopped doing my job to cuddle babies I'd be in trouble.

[Celebelly]

My friend's DC had an awful cry as a young baby (still does). It's gut-wrenchingly loud and distressing to listen to, and it's very difficult not to want to intervene as it's such a godawful sound and it really sounds like he's in such distress. I can totally imagine someone wanting to pick him up in the supermarket if he was kicking off.

[dreichwinter]

The staff member should have checked with you first.
I wonder if the crying baby was causing her significant stress? They can be quite triggering.
She still should have checked first though.

Your DH however has a right cheek to be kicking off given he left you to do the shopping with the dc. If he is that concerned he could step up and help.

Overall online shopping may be easier for your family.

[HundredsAndThousandsOfThem]

Like PP I think it's clear the intentions were good and if you were that bothered you could have asked her not to pick up your baby.

[Driechdrizzle]

Did she settle her?

[TryingToBeBold]

Well if noone has got the balls to call people out on it as soon as it happens then.. what's the alternative? Hope that they are psychic?

And sexual harassment and consent is a huge talking topic in day to day life.
Picking up a baby.. not so much

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

I wouldn't pick up a child without permission but I wouldn't complain here either. It's likely that you've taught her already by asking for your daughter back, and she's realised you didn't like it. It's also unlikely that the shop will do any meaningful training, if anything they will probably just tell her off.

She had good intentions and nothing bad has happened as a result of her actions. I'd leave it be now.

[mummydoingamasters]

Driechdrizzle nope. Not even a little bit

[DisneyMadeMeDoIt]

I would never pick up somebody else’s baby without asking - how rude!
It’s a primal biological connection parents and baby’s share (especially when baby is tiny) and it has to be respected!

• I’d have offered to let you go ahead of me
  
• Id have helped to put shopping onto the belt
  
• Id have pulled funny faces and waved in that ‘distracting attention grabbing’ way that often disarms baby/toddler meltdowns.
  

BUT I would not have picked up your 12 week old baby and definitely not without permission from you!
I once scooped up a 2-3yo (ish) boy in Asda who had escaped the grasp of his heavily pregnant mum and was bolting through the doors to the VERY busy car park- but that was an actual safety concern and I literally walked straight to the mum and handed the (shocked) little boy back to her 😂🙈 She thanked me and said to the little boy ‘see...when you run off like that any stranger could scoop you up! Lucky it was that nice lady and not someone nasty...this time!’

[lotsofoysters]

And sexual harassment and consent is a huge talking topic in day to day life.
Picking up a baby.. not so much

Picking up children is, though.
At what age does it stop being "raised by a village" and turn into "stranger danger".
And what kind of example is it to an older sibling to show them that it's OK for babies to be grabbed while the parent isn't looking?!

[Newmumatlast]

Personally I think it was entirely inappropriate of her and I would have said so, however she clearly only meant to help so I would have responded kindly though explaining that it wasnt the best thing to have done. I therefore wouldn't complain to the shop and potentially get her in real trouble for what was a poorly executed good deed

[mummydoingamasters]

I'm not neglecting my child by letting her have a little cry. HV's have told me it's healthy for her to have a little cry rather than be pandered to as soon as she gurgles/whimpers/opens her eyes but I respect all opinions and perspectives.

My DD's crying may well have been a trigger and if that was the case then I'm truly sorry to that person. What if her picking up my DD is a trigger for me though?

[Supersimkin2]

I've got this problem in reverse.

In the charity shop I volunteer in we're relentlessly assailed by other people's babies, dogs, grannies etc to look after while they have a look around.

I don't even like babies but I've got a host of regular babes in arms that I get presented with to carry about and chat to while their knackered DMs have a little break.

[Proseccoinamug]

I wouldn’t have liked it but I think she was trying to help and some people wouldn’t mind. It’s very hard to say something. I once asked someone politely not to touch my dd in her pram, only to realise that the lady had learning difficulties and just really loved babies. She kept apologising and was obviously upset. I felt like such a shit. I’ve never said anything since.

[TryingToBeBold]

The arguement goes full circle when we teach our kids stranger danger but tell them it's okay to go trick or treating.

Personally if your child is screaming in the supermarket... good luck. Most people would just look at you in pity.

[rainbowconfetti]

HV's have told me it's healthy for her to have a little cry rather than be pandered to

I don't know how many HV's you speak to but the ones you have come across recently seem like utter idiots. You can't pander to a fucking 12 week old baby

Irrespective of everything else, I would suggest paying little attention to someone telling you, at a beta level point in your life, that ignoring your own babies cry is a good thing.

FWIW I would not be happy with anyone simply lifting my child out of a trolley either.

[Chocolatedaim]

I wouldn’t see this as helping, I would see it as interfering busy bodies. It’s fine if she asked, but to not ask, just pick up a strangers baby, I think it’s really over stepping the mark

[Celebelly]

You can't really pander to a 12-week-old baby tbh. That'll be the old-fashioned brand of HV advice. Contemporary advice is more based around responding to needs of tiny babies and realising you can't spoil or give too much attention to a baby.

That said, of course it's sometimes unavoidable to let them cry as you have to get on with things.

[MrMumble]

I am actually astounded by the responses here, not because I don't think that it's a kind thought, or because I think that it's wrong for anyone to try and help someone who appears to be struggling for whatever reason, but because it only takes a couple of seconds to ask. The onus should be on the person asking if they can help, not the person who then has to refuse it.

[Driechdrizzle]

" be pandered to as soon as she gurgles/whimpers/opens her eyes"

You said she cried her way all round the shop. I'm confused now.

[AnotherEmma]

"I love nipples. It doesn’t give me the right to fondle other people’s in Farmfoods."

🤣

ticecream thanks for vastly improving the thread

[JE17]

This wouldn't bother me at all, but if I did I would have said something directly to the shop assistant, as you did. No need to take it any further by complaining afterwards, raising it with management and possibly getting the person in trouble.

[INeedNewShoes]

Oh come on! Let's not pile on the guilt for the OP not immediately picking up her baby the moment she started crying. If I was a couple of minutes from finishing the shop I'd personally opt to just get on and get it done.

The baby knew mum was just there. It's not like she was abandoned!

[Celebelly]

It's also a lot more difficult with another child I imagine. I wouldn't let DD cry all round a shop, especially when that small, but I don't have another child to wrangle either, so it was easy for me to get her out and cuddle/feed her and take our time or just abandon what we were doing if she was really upset and leave. If I'd had a toddler to try to control too, things wouldn't be the same.

[MagratsDanglyCharms]

Whilst I wouldn't complain as such, I would contact the company to suggest that staff should protect themselves by NOT touching babies/ children uness they ask first, and that a more welcome offer would be to pack the shopping whilst mum or dad see to their baby. I WOULD point out that you were grateful for help - just that in your opinion, it was misplaced.