Shop staff took my daughter out of her trolley seat

[mummydoingamasters]

Soooo, first time posting but I need a head wobble I think.
I have a tendency for the dramatics but this really did upset me.
Second time mum, DS2 and DD 12 weeks. We went shopping at a local supermarket and DD hates being moved around (who doesn't).
First off, there were no baby trolleys or car seat trolleys so I had to ask for the shop to let me use the one they were keeping indoors.
Walking round, DD starts to cry, a 'I've been disturbed and I'm going to make you pay for it' cry. A member of staff walking past started to touch her bare hand in an attempt to settle her. This member of staff was wearing work gloves and I don't know what she had been handling whilst wearing those gloves. I pushed the trolley on already embarrassed by the noise DD was making.
We get to the till and the member of staff on the till gets up, walks behind me to the trolley, unbuckles DD and has her up on her shoulder trying go to settle her while I'm unloading my shopping. There is no exchange, no attempt to engage with me if this is even ok just does it. I notice when another member of staff joins her and have to say that I don't like it when strangers pick up/touch/handle my child. She said she was trying to help as I was busy with the shopping and she thought it would help me. My thought process would probably have been to help with the shopping, not the strangers child or is it me that's wrong?!

I get home, tell my DP about it and he goes nuts. I'm usually the one to lose my temper quite quickly when it comes to the DC's but he was really unhappy. Understandably on reflection. I felt really outnumbered and caught off guard which is why I said nothing more than already stated but getting home and replaying it, I really think I down played this?

AIBU to contact the company and complain or am I being a fractious mum who needs to get over herself?

It’s called being nice. Suck it up as once their past 5 no fucker helps you.

I work in a supermarket and on the till. Never would I ever pick up aomeones child without checking with them unless it was a child who appeared lost to keep them with me until we found their grown up. On the occasions when a young baby has been unsettled I offer to come unload their shopping onto the belt and offer to call for someone to pack for them. If they were to ask me to take the baby then that's fine but never would I unclip a child and take them out. If someone had done that to my child I would be up for an assault charge for punching them in the face after I placed my child back in their seat. Put in a complaint. The name of the staff member should be on your receipt. Usually shops have a way to tell them online about your experience and if theirs no name it will know by operator number. Else go see the manager but its not acceptable behaviour. My store manager would be furious.

If you’d put your mouth on my child I’d have slapped you in it. You clearly know it’s inappropriate so why do it? Or do you think your desire to kiss my child comes ahead of my wishes as the mother and my child’s bodily autonomy? 😡

Have you got trouble with comprehension? 😂🤣😂

Billben shelf stacking nuts/dairy/eggs that DD could have been deathly allergic to, handling toxic pallets or just dirty gloves.

I wash my hands regularly enough to not be concerned and if I handle something like nuts then I wash them before I hold DD, just like DP does too.

Dramatic maybe but I'd rather be exercise a little caution.

There are two separate issues here.

The first is, yes, the shop assistant should have asked before touching or picking up the baby. It is inappropriate to touch someone else's child without asking.

However, the OP and her DH are over-reacting. Because the real problem is not that the shop assistant cuddled the baby without asking; it's that she managed to pick up the OP's baby without her noticing. The OP is cross with herself for being so distracted she failed to notice that someone was unbuckling her baby from the trolley and is trying to deflect the guilt she is feeling onto the shop assistant. So she's over-egged the danger her child was in and got her DH riled up to save her blushes.

I would never, ever dream of doing this. It's the silently just doing it which is the worst. If she'd have asked, you could've gratefully said yes, or no, no help needed thanks.
I never know why people want to get involved with babies crying. Babies cry, life goes on. It doesn't mean you're struggling or require assistance.
When DS2 has temper tantrums, he screams and cries in the street. My way of dealing with it is to carry as regardless and pay it no attention. I fucking hate it when people try to get involved, I'm stressed enough and yet handling it, without having more attention drawn to us.

@lotsofoysters I don't know, honestly. Maybe. My point was only about women coming together to help women. I can't say I'd automatically feel threatened by a man doing it, probably not. But I can say that I love seeing women come together. And I have to acknowledge the instinct to be like "rawr don't touch my baby" because i was the same way, i just think the world would be a better place for a lot of people if more people were willing to get involved.

Also, I don’t care if the person touching my child without checking with me just came out of the Pope’s bath chamber. If someone touches me (picks me up, grabs me etc - deliberately) without my permission and hat causes alarm, that’s assault. It’s the same for my child. Without permission it simply isn’t okay, no matter how clean you are.

You are not being unreasonable, I would also have serious issues with his, however I do not feel it is appropriate to complain after the fact. If you weren’t happy you should have said something there and then, I understand why you didn’t but it is not fair to complain after the fact when you said nothing at the time.

Is this your FB? I hope so and really, if your child is never exposed to germs you're going to have a child who picks up every bug going when they start nursery / school.

Yes, she should've offered to help with the shopping instead. You could have thanked them and told them you weren't comfortable with strangers picking up your child but what's the world coming to when someone tries to help and get this reaction. I'm sure had she watched you struggle you would've had something to say about her judging you and not helping. Women helping women should be applauded tbh not frowned upon.

Also, just to mention that those supermarket trolleys and baskets harbour more germs than anything. The times I see someone sneeze into their hands then go back to holding on. You'd have to pick your child up before going home to wash your hands anyway ...

I’m pretty sure the member of staff was only trying to help rather than deliberately trying to upset anyone, I do not feel the need for the dramatics tbh. I do understand that it was odd that she didn’t speak to you first, many people would have left you to struggle though and what is worse?
If your DP has such a problem with this then maybe he should assist you in the supermarket going forward?

There are a lot of extreme over-reactions in your post.
"The baby hates being moved around, who doesn't?" Well, an awful lot of babies wouldn't have a problem.
"I'm going to make you pay for it kind of way." Really? Do babies do that? Not in my experience.
I'm usually the one to lose my temper quite quickly when it comes to the DC's Maybe you should work on this.
He just doesn't like strangers picking up his children without asking. My niece's baby attended a family wedding at the weekend and I don't think he was put down by guests at any point. Most of them "strrangers" to him, but luckily he's a chilled baby (with chilled parents) and he took it all in his stride.
my DS hates shopping more than DD. Not surprised, if he's picked up on your stress with the process. It would be in your interests to make it a bit more fun for him so he doesn't hate it.

I have a tendency for the dramatics Yep. You certainly do. And this appears to be rubbing off on your children already. Not to mention your husband "going nuts/expressing dissatisfaction/whatever" over this complete non-event.

Your DH also went nuts because they lifted the baby?

I could not get worked up about something like this. They were only trying to help.

This.

There are two separate issues here.

The first is, yes, the shop assistant should have asked before touching or picking up the baby. It is inappropriate to touch someone else's child without asking.

However, the OP and her DH are over-reacting. Because the real problem is not that the shop assistant cuddled the baby without asking; it's that she managed to pick up the OP's baby without her noticing. The OP is cross with herself for being so distracted she failed to notice that someone was unbuckling her baby from the trolley and is trying to deflect the guilt she is feeling onto the shop assistant. So she's over-egged the danger her child was in and got her DH riled up to save her blushes.

Well that's one way of looking at it I guess!

Ok so I did notice and I said something. The fact is, I shouldn't have had to. It's a supermarket not a crèche.
You make it sound like I was out in the car park talking to someone about my Christmas tree. I was unloading my shopping, I'd picked up several items at once in order to be quick and when I looked up I noticed she wasn't in the seat.
I don't think I've 'over-egged' anything. That person didn't know me and my family. She's not part of our village.
My DP did not get riled up, he was upset that I was upset and could not do anything about it.

I don't know why people think it's ok to pick up/touch someone else's baby without permission. :( Hugs xxx

Your husband's reaction changes every time! So are you going to complain? Or accept that she was trying to help you? I bet this worker is feeling good thinking she helped you, it's a shame that you had to then it in to something so negative.

She was upset because she had been taken out of a fleece lined car seat and put into a cold trolley baby seat. Unavoidable as this was the only trolley to accommodate her at 12 weeks

Clearly you need to call the shop in advance and ask them to pre warm a cost fleece lined trolly for your baby - perhaps they could lay on coffee and cake?

Get over yourself

I personally would complain.

I assume the posters who don’t mind also wouldn’t be fussed if a shop worker decided to touch them without consent?

Do your kids have nut allergies or a family history of severe allergies? It would never have occurred to me to wash my hands after touching nuts specifically when she was little, much less DP's! Mind you, I breastfed and consumed my body weight in peanut butter on numerous occasions and now my DD is a peanut butter fiend too!

It would be in your interests to make it a bit more fun for him so he doesn't hate it.

Oh my god, soooo patronising.

Btw, lots of babies don't mind being moved about but a lot do. You seem to have the idea that all babies are just portable and easy, not true.

but luckily he's a chilled baby (with chilled parents) and he took it all in his stride.

I'm pretty chilled too, on the whole. DS was not a chilled baby, not at all. He did not cope with being passed around. Nothing to do with my parenting at all.

GreenTulips

I think the OP was providing an explanation for her baby crying, not complaining about the supermarket trolley provision.

Honestly, though, get your groceries online. At 12 weeks my DD would have been randomly slumping to the side from time to time in one of those uncomfy baby seats in a trolley and would probably have been miserable about it too. Supermarket shopping with a newborn and toddler is not something to do if you can avoid it! Sounds bloody awful for everyone!

My DP's reaction hasn't changed but my wording of it has. He went nuts that he couldn't be there to help. He was working providing for us. I was going shopping, also providing for us. My phrasing of 'going nuts' is because he rarely reacts that way. As I am the one around the DC's, I am the one to react when something goes wrong. My behaviour does not negatively impact on my children but thank you for any concerns about their welfare.

I don't expect a red carpet to be laid out, but to go shopping and not have a trolley that accommodates babies is a first for me.

I have allergies myself and would prefer to be cautious than risk it personally, but I know people are different and there is varying versions of advice around allergies.

We're pretty relaxed around people we know, we actually have a family event coming up and I know people are looking forward to a cuddle. Difference being, I know these people, but again, different parenting styles and I respect those.

No, this isn't my first born, not that I can see how that affects anything that happened today. If someone tried to pick up my DS I'd have done the same but as he's 2 he hates being picked up and would probably vocalise his dissatisfaction of it himself.

Shopping isn't fun for me, so it sure as hell isn't going to be fun for him. He helps, he pushes the trolley, he holds my hand, he's actually pretty relaxed compared to some children I've seen out shopping. I've never seen a shop worker pick up another child though.

MrMumble

Really? Gosh thanks for clearing that up!!