She should have let me have it surely?

[AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys]

In charity shop today with a GOOD friend (friend went in before me as I needed to go to another shop). When I got back 2 mins later she’d found a gorgeous coat, lovely colour, in great condition, my size not hers.

I said how lovely it was but was it the right size for her? She said she liked it anyway, fair enough, kind-of. After we left, I repeated that I thought it was lovely and if she changed her mind and didn’t want it after all I’d buy it from her. She still said she wanted to keep it.

Greedy cow has only gone and listed it on eBay!!! It’ll probably sell for much more than she paid for it. She doesn’t particularly need the money. I have a young DC and not currently working. There’s no way I could afford a coat like that at the moment at full-price, let alone whatever price she gets for it on eBay.

She’s been a good friend for a long time and we’ve been through a lot but I honestly think that was so unkind. Am so upset with her.

What do we think Mumsnet? Aibu?

"Or do people pay extra to the tagged price, if they found a bargain at charity shop thinking they are morally right?"

I don't think that's always true. I found a rare first edition of a well-known book in my local charity shop for £4. I really, really wanted it for myself - it's a book I've read several times. But I also knew it was worth £150+ and that they should auction it. So I put on my big girl pants and told them what it was and that they should put it on ebay.

I doubt I'm alone in this. It's just basic decency, no?

OP I think YABU.

Whilst it would have been nice for your friend to offer you the coat, she was the one who found it. You didn't find it and then she bought it behind your back. She found it.

She also invited you along to the trip so it wasn't that you had invited her saying you were desperate to find a nice coat in a charity shop.

Would I have done it to one of my friends? No, but then I don't buy and sell on eBay. But if I'd gone shopping with a friend, picked something up I liked and they suggested that it wouldn't fit me and they should have it instead, I'd be really offended.

So, Lockheart, if you buy a blouse for £3 from a charity shop, knowing it's a desirable brand, do you give them £20, even if you are going to wear it yourself?

(I would say that I have never seen a charity shop under price ! There have been many MN discussions where we all ponder the wisdom of pricing Primark/George clothing at twice the price it can be bought new and thinking that a Boden label counteracts the fact that the item is 15 years old and is very pilly.)

I can see both sides of this. If I were the friend, I wouldn't have taken the coat. But I can see that this is how the friend makes money, and her trip round charity shops is not a bit of a mooch but a business enterprise. She should go alone in future!

DistanceCall, I buy from charity shops, and donate back them again when not needed anymore. I have donated quite expensive stuff in the past too, and how much they charge is none of my business, they get the profit none the less.. I don't buy and sell stuff from charity shop personally, but I still don't think it's morally wrong for someone to do that.

The same story from the other POV:

I don't have much money but as a way to boost my income I have found that I can get a decent return by trawling charity shops for good quality items that I can get cheap and then with a bit of effort taking some good photos and writing an appealing description I can generally sell on ebay for a bit of a profit. Taking into account the time and hassle spent fielding emails from interested bidders, as well as the prep and search time, it probably doesn't pay that much more than minimum wage but it works for me (though it is a right pain having the stuff cluttering up my home)

Anyway I was doing a charity shop trawl the other day, with a friend tagging along. I found a decent coat that I thought I could probably make a few quid on with a bit of effort. It's a good time of year to sell coats with the cold weather coming and I need to gather some funds quite urgently for Christmas. My friend really wanted the coat herself and kept dropping really unsubtle hints that I should let her have it, but I found it first and I need the cash that this will get me. She could put in the time and find another decent coat if she put in the time to do a proper trawl herself so I don't see why I should sacrifice some of my own potential income to save her the bother of looking for herself. AIBU?

(nb the above does not refer to me personally. I do not know the OP. I was just imagining myself into the mindset of the other POV)

@IrmaFayLear I think you've misunderstood my posts. I would pay what the charity shop asks and then do whatever I want with the blouse. Wear it, turn it into dusters, use it as a dog bed.

I did that too, Verticality. I think a lot of people (some volunteers) don't like "old books" and don't see their worth at all. My sil raked her eyes across my bookcase and said, "Why do you keep all those tatty old books?" And I found mil a first edition of a book she said she'd liked. Big mistake. There were mumblings and rumblings about my having given her something second hand . Pah.

Yeah seems a bit shitty to me. I'd have insisted you have it. Particularly as she wasn't even intending on keeping it herself.
This would put me off the friendship, plus there's whatever other "morally dubious" stuff you've hinted at - sounds like you don't want to be friends anymore anyway.

I think that asking if it was her size (whether that implied too big or too small) was a bit rude tbh.

It’s a case of weighing up the increased sale price against cost of time spent on the admin of selling on. Charities could eBay items for a greater financial return, but the time they’d need to invest means that it’s worthwhile only for high value items. For other items, it’s probably more financially sensible to get a realistic price, and turn stock over quickly, rather than having staff and volunteers fussing with eBay admin.

I think we set off down a tricky path when we start moralising about who is most deserving of other people’s money. If someone’s income stems from buying items to sell on, then that’s how they are providing for themselves and their family, and they shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for trading fairly and legally. You could argue that instead of sitting on Mumsnet, you could have gone to work for that hour and given your wages to charity, because those people have greater need. You could sell most of your own clothes and shoes and give the money to charity. You could try to insist that charities should not pay professional staff. In an admittedly unfair, capitalist global society, picking on this one issue seems a little like choosing the wrong target.

Wow, I’m totally overwhelmed by all of your responses - so difficult to respond to everyone individually but hopefully I can cover some of it...

I seem to come across as being very entitled to some posters, in no way did I just expect her to give it to me. I would have paid what she paid or maybe more. I didn’t even get to try it on so who knows maybe it wouldn't have been right anyway.

Some people may have mentioned that she may have been offended that I told her it was too small for her...her weight fluctuates, she is quite open with me about that. Maybe it’s one of those situations where it’s ok for her to bring it up but not for me? In no way was I trying to rub it in. In fact I didn’t push it at the time because I thought she may want to keep it in case she does loose weight. Although I’m pretty sure even if she had the sleeves, length etc wouldn’t have been right.

If I genuinely thought she needed the money I wouldn’t have been as bothered. Yeah yeah, I know she found it first so it is hers to do what she wants with it, if she’d told me she was planning to sell it she could have let me try it on and given me the option of bidding on it myself.

I know she sometimes buys to sell on however she’s been doing more of this recently so maybe it is becoming more of a business to her. When she does but things when we’re together she never discusses plans to sell though. I wish she’d been clearer about her intentions and it’s very obvious that I should never go chazzing with her again.

She did know I was in need of and looking for a coat though as I’d recently bought a truly gorgeous vintage one on eBay which sadly was too small.

To the poster who wrote about her friend and the hair-rollers - my friend sounds similar and on the other hand is an amazing friend. Nonetheless, yesterday was definitely a pivotal moment and just confirms a picture that was starting to form for me about how she is.

It was never my intention to shame her in MN, I don’t think she is on here but if she sees it she’ll know this is about her. As the other business with her MIL is not directly connected with me, sorry I’m not going to mention that further on here just in case she does see.

TBH it’s all left such a bitter taste in my mouth I wouldn’t even want the frigging coat now anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

I do agree with others that you were a bit, er, rude, to mention the size of the coat. I moan about my short, fat legs to people, but I would be a bit goggle-eyed if a friend said, "No, Irma, those trousers are too skinny for you; I'll have them."

The cost of the coat is a bit of a red herring. It's really a case of who saw it first, whatever they wanted to do with it.

The point is that if you know the item is worth more then you should give that to charity TO HELP THE MOST VULNERABLE.
How is this hard to understand?

But how do you know the person doing the selling isn’t VULNERABLE? They might really need the cash they get in profit. The charity isn’t going to get any more money if the person buying to sell on doesn’t buy it. The price will still be the same if someone else buys it to keep for themselves.

Unless you’re expecting the people who buy to sell on to then go and donate the profit back to the charity? Lovely idea if you have the time, but if you do have that much fair time and have a bit of expertise in what fashion brands sell well, you’d be doing a lot more to help the charity by volunteering in a shop.

I think yabu OP and you seem a bit entitled.

You can’t know for sure your friends financial situation. Maybe she needs the money.

"It was never my intention to shame her in MN"
Really?

this says otherwise.
"Greedy cow has only gone and listed it on eBay!!! "

You could be really cheeky and post a question on it, saying "is this the one you bought in the charity shop for £?"....

Life is full of unfairness.

You are upset because you feel you have more right/need for the coat and by not letting you have it, you feel she is unkind.
That is your belief, she doesn’t have to agree.
She saw it first, she bought it, she owes you nothing. You just feel she does.
Are you used to getting your own way?
Ending a friendship based upon that would seem fickle to me.

Essentially all that has actually happened is you have been told no.
The rest has all happened in your mind.

I don’t know one person in real life who has a clue about this forum, I doubt she’ll see it

It wasn't a Barbour coat, was it OP?!

I would have paid what she paid or maybe more

And she is astute enough to know that if you're willing to 'pay a bit more', someone else is willing to go above that. Sorry, I can't see what shes done wrong here - unless you're in a situation where you dont actually have a coat and are facing a winter of going out cold and wet, you dont get to 'bagsy' the coat because you happen to like it more than your friend does. She found it first, she bought it, its hers to to with as she pleases. It doesn't make her mean, and the idea that shes basically taken you and the charity shop for a ride is laughable. The latter is a business in itself, they dont care who buys their products, only that they've been sold. Many charities are now very overpriced regardless, that's why cheaper clothes shops with possibly more dubious production ethics are the place most buy their clothing.

I have to say, on the flip side, I have a friend who likes eyeing up any bargain I (or others) have found. It gets tiresome, I'm not sure if they're aware they're always doing it, but they always seem to assume any second hand finds should be offered to them first due to not having much money. It's quite rude in all honesty.

I personally don’t see anything wrong in purchasing something at one price and selling it at another, that’s the way the world works after all. Perhaps your friend makes a living doing this, many people do. The charity shop got a sale, they could have listed it on eBay had they wished. You missed out on the coat this time, but there will be another coat out there for you at a fantastic price you’ll see. (For what it’s worth I would have offered a good friend the coat) x

I don’t know one person in real life who has a clue about this forum, I doubt she’ll see it

Never assume that. I found someone I knew posting on here, I would have laughed at the idea of them joining MN previous to that. Probably a rare example, but it does happen.

I wouldn't do this to a friend that wanted a coat...but also my best friend would not have basically asked for the coat like you did either. It is a moral issue about making money from clothing donations - but if that is how she makes her money than you have no right to expect she will give you the coat because you wanted it. If you have a friend who makes their living from buying and selling antiques - does this mean if you like an antique they have to give it to you?

I find it odd that you think you're entitled to the coat at all. Obviously buying and selling clothes is how your friend earns part of her income. It's like asking for mates' rates from someone who is self-employed except you didn't even want to pay mates' rates (which usually involves a small mark-up).
You're bitter because your friend spotted it first.

No it’s not Barbour

There was a lot of talk a few pages back re. the way the shop had priced it - it is an out of the way charity run by lovely older people but is in an affluent area. I reckon a more astute chazzer would have put it at £30-£40 (she got it for £10). When the auction is over, i’ll go back and point out to them what’s happened so they maybe look at how they price things.

But I suppose if no one ever got a bargain, they’d go out of business - it’s all part of the excitement of it all