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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She should have let me have it surely?

518 replies

AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 04/11/2019 22:42

In charity shop today with a GOOD friend (friend went in before me as I needed to go to another shop). When I got back 2 mins later she’d found a gorgeous coat, lovely colour, in great condition, my size not hers.

I said how lovely it was but was it the right size for her? She said she liked it anyway, fair enough, kind-of. After we left, I repeated that I thought it was lovely and if she changed her mind and didn’t want it after all I’d buy it from her. She still said she wanted to keep it.

Greedy cow has only gone and listed it on eBay!!! It’ll probably sell for much more than she paid for it. She doesn’t particularly need the money. I have a young DC and not currently working. There’s no way I could afford a coat like that at the moment at full-price, let alone whatever price she gets for it on eBay.

She’s been a good friend for a long time and we’ve been through a lot but I honestly think that was so unkind. Am so upset with her.

What do we think Mumsnet? Aibu?

OP posts:
Tolleshunt · 06/11/2019 14:37

I’m curious....

Those posters defending the friend: would you do the same? Would you feel justified in taking the coat to sell on eBay to make yourself some extra money you don’t actually need, even though your good friend was standing there asking for it, in need of a coat, and you know she is hard up?

NoSauce · 06/11/2019 14:41

It’s the OPs entitlement that annoyed me. Calling her friend a greedy cow etc. Maybe the friend is wise to the OPs cheeky ways and that’s why she didn’t let her have the coat.

seeingasyouareclueless · 06/11/2019 14:44

Tolleshunt In answer to your question, I believe I would give the coat to my friend if I was aware of those circumstances. But it doesn't seem like OP was upfront about that either in the charity shop or afterwards, she didn't explicitly say that she wanted / needed the coat, would be grateful if the friend would let her buy that one as it was just what she wanted and the only one she'd seen in her price range. So in the circumstances stated in the OP, I may not have as I wouldn't have known the information that OP has given on here.

mummmy2017 · 06/11/2019 14:45

If the friends item had made 10k profit, should it still have been given to OP, or does the value matter?

Kanga83 · 06/11/2019 14:48

@Tolleshunt yes I would. If I bought it first, then I have no obligation. If my friend to start the shopping day with had said, right I need a coat in x size, can you help me find one then that's different. But to strop like this is something else. I frequently buy in charity shops to sell on, just like i frequently give away a lot of my kids stuff for free to a friend who genuinely needs it and is grateful for and is not a cheeky fuck. Sometimes I buy kids stuff I know she'd like and I sell it, sometimes I give it to her or buy it for her. She does the same with me. I'm not entitled enough to dictate the terms of our friendship to suit my agenda, and neither does she. The OP has spoken horribly of her friend in her posts and her friend is better off without her.

Butchyrestingface · 06/11/2019 14:49

It depends, @Tolleshunt. Was that was the only coat in the charity store? Doubtful.

However, for argument’s sake, let’s assume I would not be disinclined to sell it to her. Smile. If my good friend implied that I was a fatty who didn’t know what fitted me, that my purchase would suit her far better, and barely let me leave the store with it before offering to buy it, then her chances would be slim to none, I’m afraid.

There will be other cheap, well-fitting coats in that store or other charity stores. OP just happened to want the one her friend had bought (again).

LovePoppy · 06/11/2019 14:50

@tolleshunt, I might give my friend the coat, I might not. It depends on what I personally am saving for. I might decide to try the coat on at home and realize it’s not going to suit me. I might try it on and then realize it’s tainted by my friend saying it’s the wrong size for me. I might decide I can’t wear it because my friend is going to ask me about selling it to her every time I do . At that point I might realize there is another coat I want and I will sell this one to put funds towards it. I might be saving for Christmas, who knows?

I do know I would not be very inclined to sell it to a “friend” who implied I was too fat for it.

gobbynorthernbird · 06/11/2019 14:51

@Tolleshunt the OP doesn't say that she needs a new coat, just that she really liked that particular one.

Curtainly · 06/11/2019 14:52

That does sound mean, personally I wouldn't do it to a friend; I also think that unless you really need the money it is savage to buy stuff from charity shops to sell on for a profit. Even if you both hadn't seen it, perhaps someone else, who would never be able to afford it new could have bought it. Guessing she won't donate the profit to the charity.

FloofenHoofen · 06/11/2019 14:54

Actually I think that's a bit manipulative on your side. "I said how lovely it was but was it the right size for her?"

AtrociousCircumstance · 06/11/2019 15:00

Yes you were mean and undermining with your self-interested hints about her size OP.

Butchyrestingface · 06/11/2019 15:01

Actually I think that's a bit manipulative on your side. "I said how lovely it was but was it the right size for her?"

Not exactly Machiavellian levels of mindfuckery though, tbf. Wink. I’m sure the friend saw that sitter floating towards her.

Tolleshunt · 06/11/2019 15:46

Thanks all for indulging my curiosity. I’m still Team OP, but I do get what some of you are saying more. You’re not quite the pit of vipers I thought you all were Grin

Evilmorty · 06/11/2019 16:12

Also if I had a friend who was quietly contemptuous of me and asked me to give her the coat I also wanted, saw first and paid for, when she wasn’t even in the shop simply because she felt she needed it more, I wouldn’t give it to her. Not after the size comment. Not after badgering and trying to hedge me in to it.

Who knows why she sold it on eBay, it really is no one else’s business. OP doesn’t deserve an explanation for why someone else is selling something on eBay, she could just take responsibility for finding and buying her own coat.

If I had a friend who was genuinely in need and asked me outright, look I’m desperate for a new coat, can I have that one, of course I’d say yes. It’s the huffiness and badgering that lost her the coat.

Evilmorty · 06/11/2019 16:14

This isn’t a case of the friend just saying, “it’s mine, you can’t have it!” OP has called her business fleabay. Why would I give a coat to someone who says things like that about me.

Original poster
AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 06/11/2019 16:22

My friend is very open about her weight gain and I’ve no doubt she’ll loose it again one day but perhaps the mistake I made was questioning the size of the coat, think my words were “Will it fit?” not ‘Is it too small?’ The former implies it could be too big or too small, just not the right size for her. I could tell at that point that she didn’t want to share it. Really in hindsight I should have rephrased it as “that would be perfect for me” and it may have made her think twice but really whatever I said she was keeping it anyway.

Re. The greedy cow comment, yes it is a bit harsh but also is a phrase she’d use herself also as I said there is serious backstory and this is not all about the coat. I’m not involved in the other stuff so it’s none of my business to discuss it here.

OP posts:
Evilmorty · 06/11/2019 16:24

that would be perfect for me

Translation: get your greedy paws off my new coat, fatty

Butchyrestingface · 06/11/2019 16:27

Really in hindsight I should have rephrased it as “that would be perfect for me” and it may have made her think twice but really whatever I said she was keeping it anyway.

You still don’t get it. Amazing. Grin

Have you chucked her yet, btw?

Butchyrestingface · 06/11/2019 16:29

Translation: get your greedy paws off my new coat, fatty

Greedy, jealous, fleabaggy paws. Wink

Original poster
AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 06/11/2019 16:32

No no huffyness and badgering, she doesn’t even know I’m upset about it (unless she’s seen this) so please stop twisting the facts here, if you actually knew me you’d realise that’s not my style (and also v immature). I’m not really one for confrontation, would rather just make my decision and stay/go.

Was only upset with her once I’d seen she’d put it on eBay - and as for the fleabay comment, it was tongue in cheek

OP posts:
Chloe84 · 06/11/2019 16:48

Re. The greedy cow comment, yes it is a bit harsh but also is a phrase she’d use herself also as I said there is serious backstory and this is not all about the coat. I’m not involved in the other stuff so it’s none of my business to discuss it here.

Yes it you’re calling HER a ‘greedy cow’. How can you justify that by saying she uses the words herself?

Chloe84 · 06/11/2019 16:51

Wow - this is still going, can’t believe I’ve started a potential MN classic and all over a stupid coat 😂

Er, no. In no way is this an MN classic. Just because a thread gets a few hundred posts does NOT make it classic.

Original poster
AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 06/11/2019 17:05

Dryheaving your right, I’m letting this go now. It’s going round and round, over and over again.

I am not expecting everyone to agree with me however the thread has lost focus. It seems to have become about fat vs thin (although ironically I am not even that thin myself!). We all come in different sizes and tend to fluctuate over time.

I can understand though why some posters might be offended on my friends behalf.

If it were the other way round and I was larger and so was the coat, I’m sure she would have behaved the same.

As i’ve said before, it’s really not about size/weight.

OP posts:
Petsr4life · 06/11/2019 17:26

You're right, it's not about size. It's about you refusing to accept you are in the wrong and that you are not entitled to your friend's stuff. Especially not after the way you were trying to guilt trip her. Similar to a PP I am generous to my friends and family but as soon as I get a sniff of entitlement (in your case more than a sniff...) they can sod off.

Boltonb · 06/11/2019 17:39

@AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys this thread is about your entitled attitude surely?