Husband not supportive of my need for maternity leave

[Bellyfish1]

I am a freelancer with one regular client who currently pays me for 4 days' work a week. I am also 31 weeks pregnant and worried how to manage maternity leave.
My husband is also self-employed and earns much more than me but is not supportive of me taking full time maternity leave and thinks I should try to keep on working through even the first months post-partum.
This will be my first baby but DH has 2 kids from previous relationship. Should be noted that his ex went on indefinite maternity leave although she will have received mat leave pay from her employer for the first few months.
As our finances are completely separate despite being married (owing to his trust issues since first partner left him), my husband expects me to continue to support myself through this pregnancy and beyond - it is also becoming clear that he expects me to pay for everything that will be needed for the baby.
This WAS a 'planned' pregnancy in that we were ttc for 2 years and even had IVF (failed) although when I did fall pregnant it was no longer expected and has been a minor miracle considering my age (42) and history (7 early miscarriages).
I have no assets as I lived abroad from age 25 to 35 and have never been able to get on the housing ladder, but I earn enough to get by.
My husband owns the house we live in and we share the bills. His reason for not letting me pay towards the house and getting named on the deeds is that he wants it to be for his children from first marriage, which I fully accepted, but now we have a baby of our own on the way I was hoping things might change.
In short, I feel very vulnerable and anxious and completely unsupported by my husband. I know he won't let us starve but this pressure to keep working (he thinks I should juggle things so my clients pay me for results rather than days worked) and my fear of not having my own income is ruining this time for me which I had dreamt of for so long.

Being in this relationship where your husband doesn’t want to be in a financial partnership despite the fact you are having a baby TOGETHER makes you more worse off than if you were single (unless he is going to cover all mortgage costs and all bills?).

Stepping away from the fact that the most significant issue you need to resolve is your husband’s attitude towards your finances, I’ll answer your request for information from freelance mothers.

I was working part time for an employer at the point I went on maternity leave so I was eligible for SMP (which isn’t much more than maternity allowance). I never intended to return to my PAYE job as I have been building up my own business for nearly a decade.

I did continue work for some of my freelance clients while DD was a baby as I couldn’t risk losing the client and I needed the money as I am a single parent.

When DD was 7 weeks I worked on a project for a month doing 4-6 solid hours a day 5 days a week. During this time I stayed with my parents so they did the childcare, all the cooking etc. so all I had to do was my work plus breastfeed DD. (I would usually do this project in 16 days working 8 solid hours a day every day so I just stretched the project over a longer time to ensure I was still as present as possible for DD).

I then had a couple of months where I didn’t work at all and then when DD was 4 months old I started working around 12 hours a week. I had 1-2-1 childcare for DD for 6 of those hours and did the rest while she was sleeping. This was hard as DD was unsettled away from me a lot of the time so I was fairly guilt ridden. Having said that she is now happy and confident in the care of others and she absolutely adores the girl who was babysitting her from a young age.

I have only very occasionally worked while DD has been awake and then it has only been 20 minutes for a time while she played happily in her cot. This doesn’t work terribly well as you can’t give your work your full focus.

What is his reasoning for you having to pay for everything relating to your baby? It's his child too.

judging by how little he does to help around the house, I cannot see how much help he will actually be
I hope that he will surprise me by helping to cover day-to-dsy costs
he seems to think we can get all baby needs from charity shops, hand-me-down toys and that there's no need for the baby to be a big expense
I object to beinv made to feel unreasonable for wanting a few nice, new things. We're hardly poor - he's a solicitor

The more you tell us about this man, OP, the worse he sounds.
Just no, no, no. He honestly disgusts me, and I certainly don't say that lightly!
You need to raise your standards and expectations massively. You would be MUCH better off in every way on your own.

my husband expects me to continue to support myself through this pregnancy and beyond - it is also becoming clear that he expects me to pay for everything that will be needed for the baby.

My jaw droppped on reading that. What a shit.

Re his will: if you live in England and you make a will then marry, the will becomes invalid and the person will be treated as if they died intestate. Have you both drawn up a new will since marrying? And he's a solicitor see www.netlawman.co.uk/ia/will-effect-marriage-divorce#Effect%20of%20marriage%20on%20your%20will

You need to really think about what you want and sit down, with a list of your concerns, and thrash them out.

What do you get out of the relationship? He's a tight git, he doesn't trust you, and he's useless around the house. Sounds like a catch.

You and your baby deserve much, much better.

As our finances are completely separate despite being married (owing to his trust issues since first partner left him) gosh he’s then taking it out on you?

My ExDP did this - we are separating.

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/family-law/marriage-your-rights-to-your-home/#Why do I need to register my home rights?

Please give this a read.

If your job allows you to work from a variety of locations I would seriously consider you move out.

That’s a very very big thing to say to someone who is 31w pregnant but you are living in hope of DH “changing” which on balance is highly unlikely to happen.

Also, bill him for half of full-time childcare.

Yes, OP, you would be better of on your own. He sounds like a real nasty piece or work. He has no concept of what childbirth means. Clearly he had nothing at all to do with his previous children as babies as he seems to not have a single clue what a big deal this is. And most proud fathers to be WANT to buy nice new things for their baby, it's part of preparing and part of the joy. He seems to think children are something we are expected to have, but he doesn't seem to really want this child. Wanting you to go straight back to work shows he is on a whole self-absorbed planet of his own.

He doesn't see you as equal. By your own admission and his admission, he doesn't trust you (red 'neon flashing light sign' flag there) see 'his' home as your marital home. He sees you as a flatmate. You are not his equal, he feels no manly or fatherly urge to provide for you and his child. I don't believe he truly wants this child (I suspect he just thinks, as I said, that it's the done thing to have children, but he seems so distant and remote from what that means for you and for the child, like as if it's all for show/image, the practicalities don't concern him and are 'your responsibility'), and he doesn't seem to want a marriage. He wants a flatmate with benefits deal where you act as basically a single mum who pays your own way and pays everything for the baby. Basically you are living two separate lives.

He does not see you as a family unit. That is what it boils down too.

I'd leave him, I truly would. You are basically living as flatmates anyway at least financially, and you will definitely all but certain be a single mum in terms of finance and care. He truly doesn't seem to give a damn about you, the affects of childbirth (and what if you need a c-section, and/or a vaginal tear, possibly prolapse - he expects you to just.....go back to work, like that? And while bleeding heavily? He is not husband material. He is not father material. He is just a cold, insensitive, self-serving pig. If you can, leave now. Unless you seek serious couple counselling as soon as possible.

This is not ok. Not in the slightest.
It would be very interesting to hear his ex partners version of events. I’m sure this attitude of his isn’t just born through mistrust. He sounds like a piece of work.
Look after yourself

I'm self-employed and took full maternity leave. I helped to arrange alternatives for my clients while I was off, and they've all come back to me now I'm back working.

Also, massive congratulations on your pregnancy It is a wonderful occurence and the baby will be the best thing in your life.

Back to your firesdie devil. Unless he turns this around now, before the baby is born - factually, legally, demonstrably - it will get worse once you're trapped by the realitiy of caring for your lovely baby.

What maintenance does he pay for his other dcs? Look at his actions, not his words. What might happen after his death is pie in the sky. It has no affect on his life now, he gets to keep everything.

He sounds awful. You need to either get things sorted out with him or leave. You are in a very vulnerable position. You don't treat someone you love like that.

it is also becoming clear that he expects me to pay for everything that will be needed for the baby

What the actual F?

You do realise this is financial abuse? What a charmer.

Seriously, put yourself and baby first, he never will.

My husband owns the house we live in and we share the bills. His reason for not letting me pay towards the house and getting named on the deeds is that he wants it to be for his children from first marriage, which I fully accepted, but now we have a baby of our own on the way I was hoping things might change.

This is pretty horrific and I'm not sure why you would "fully accept" this. It is fair enough for him to want to leave most or even all of his assets to his children but it is not fair for him to put you in a position where you have no home if he dies, are vulnerable and have been deprived of the opportunity to contribute to an asset that will increase in value. A marriage should be a team.

Why did you accept this at all? Is he so great and you loved him so much that you were frightened that if you demanded equality and respect in respect of a roof over your head he'd leave you? What man is so great that you'd put up with that?

And yes he's a total shit who clearly gives not a fig for you or his unborn child. Get your MA application in now if you haven't already; if you've paid National Insurance then you are entitled to the whole amount.

Just occurred to me that he is going to the extremes of his previous marriage. His ex-wife left him (I presume you were hinting that he took a chunk of his money), so now he makes you pay (please excuse the pun) by not even allowing you to be on the title of your own matrimonial home. His ex-wife took indefinite maternity leave, so now he makes you pay by wanting you to not take any leave at all, and to pay 100% for his child.

He is punishing you and making you suffer for something a previous woman did to him. That is not fair. That is not fair on you. How would he like it if you made him pay for the sins of previous men in your life? He shouldn't have married you if he couldn't move past what his ex-wife did, and was determined to judge all women as guilty because of one. If he could learn to love again, then surely he could learn to trust again. So why can't he trust you. You are the fall-guy for his ex-wife, he is making you pay (psychologically and emotionally, not just financially) for something some other woman did to him. If he couldn't process that and get over it, he had no business getting involved with you or marrying you.

You need a solicitor especially as your dh is one, and don’t stay unless he gives you and the dc a fair financial deal. It sounds very much as though you are heading for penury and homelessness at his whim as it stands.

I’ve freelanced a fair bit, you need to maintain your client base and how things work now (and not put more pressure on yourself by making it performance based at this point!) but you need to have a plan that works for you and includes recovery time.

I'm sorry op but when you were ttc what discussions took place on finances?

Sorry, but what difference does that make? This man was ttc with the OP for 2 years, he should have expected to pay half for any child that resulted. Why would a woman need to spell it out to him that he has a financial responsibility. Should men just presume they won't need to pay for their children unless their partner has specifically said they expect a contribution?

Another freelancer here. Had first baby at start of this year.

I've freelanced for years, am used to working very hard. I know all about the need/compulsion to keep clients happy and using you and not someone else. Well aware the normal rules of maternity leave don't apply for most freelancers.

But I think planning to work four days a week from the off is complete and utter madness. I had a relatively easy birth (although C Section), and a baby who was OK just about in terms of sleeping/feeding. I still felt like I was walking about in a tired (but lovely!) fog for at least the first six weeks. I think I did my first bit of work for a regular client about the seven week mark. It was a short and easy thing I'd done many times before and it took about three times as long - my concentration was shot. At that point there was NO WAY I'd have been able to do my job properly 4 days a week. I would have risked losing clients.

I eventually took on my first proper project and went back two days a week at 16 weeks. I'm now working 2.5 days a week and my DS is 9 months. I'll go up to 4-5 days a week when he starts nursery in January.

This has only been possible due to my DP also reducing his working hours (also freelance), and properly sharing the childcare load, as well as the domestic and sleep-deprivation load.

You'll drive yourself into the ground doing what you're suggesting. Really - you'll put yourself at huge risk of PND etc. You need some time off after the birth to recover. I'd suggest at least 12 weeks. Then, if you do go back, you absolutely need proper childcare in place, and he needs to share the load at home.

You asked about expectations from other freelance mums:

After 1 year maternity leave with my first baby I became a freelancer. The fact that you're already freelance IS good. This means when you do go back to work you can a) work at a higher day-rate than employed staff and b) have more flexibility about when you do the work.

When I had my second baby I also took nearly 1 year (11 months) maternity leave. I really think this is entirely reasonable. If you were in an employed position you can take up to 1 year. I claimed maternity allowance which is tiny, but not nothing. At the time my main client made alternative arrangements and I did not work for them again. I had only just started doing work for a second client (while pregnant, so they knew the situation) and I went back to do work for them after 11 months. I also then found a couple more clients.

But throughout my DH and I acted as a team on finances. Yes for 11 months we only had 1 income and it was financially very tough. But we were in it together. I can't see how this will work if your DH has a "what's mine is mine" mindset.

I think you are right to want to take a decent amount of maternity leave. And you are very reasonable to ask your DH to financially support you during this time. Even after year 1 it is tough, arranging childcare so you can work, trying to be professional on little sleep etc.

I'm with HulksPurplePanties.

Your husband is being an arse, but that bears no relation to you as a freelancer.

I am freelance (translator) and I LOVE work. With DD, I decided to be cautious for the entire month before my due date and take a month off after the birth, but I was so stressed when I went 10 days overdue sitting twiddling my thumbs and after I was so bored I asked my longest client for work two weeks in. DD was a good baby though, and I could pretty much work like normal for the first month/month and a half. Then it went to pot when she needed entertaining and couldn't do so herself.

With DS a year later, I decided to use the early time to do work so I could have some respite later. So I worked after two weeks, sometimes with him sleeping on my lap. I was available and 'worked' until the morning I went into labour, to the point my midwife joked that 'you don't have any time for this' meaning labour when I said I was cutting it pretty fine as that weekend was inconvenient because I still had 3,000 words to do...

With this one I intend to do the same as with DS.

I know my clients would take me back. Partly because I'm their favourite and partly because they're so big they're not bothered if you disappear for a while, but I'm more than a mum.

Still, it depends whether you can organise your work around baby and whether baby leaves you to sleep enough. I know I've been lucky until now.

It seems that he sees his first family as his "real" family and you and your the new baby as people who he is connected to but not obligated to. It's clear that he sees the new baby as "yours", and his other children as "his", and therefore they must come first. Out of interest, how much involvement do you have with your stepkids?

As a solicitor, he doesn't seem to know very much about the law does he? He's potentially in for a nasty shock when he hears from the solicitor you're about to find for yourself...

We're hardly poor - he's a solicitor

Then you need separate, independent legal advice ASAP. As a solicitor he will know all of the ins and outs of the law and will have everything tied up neatly so that you don't benefit from his money.
His is financially abusing you.
Get to a solicitor ASAP (preferably one in another town that doesn't know your husband) and get advice.
I'd be divorcing him and making him pay child support. At least that way he is forced to pay for the child he willingly created - you spent 2 years ttc FFS so it wasn't as if a baby was sprung on him (and even if it was he would be expected to pay to support that child).

He is a tosser. He is being very cruel making you stress about money when you are pregnant with your much wanted and long awaited baby.You need to tell him straight out that you have thought about it and you have decided that you are taking maternity leave and it's his job to help finance that as the father of the baby and your husband. He is a solicitor and fully understands his responsibilities. He will be paying a lot more if when you leave the selfish arse.