Husband not supportive of my need for maternity leave

[Bellyfish1]

I am a freelancer with one regular client who currently pays me for 4 days' work a week. I am also 31 weeks pregnant and worried how to manage maternity leave.
My husband is also self-employed and earns much more than me but is not supportive of me taking full time maternity leave and thinks I should try to keep on working through even the first months post-partum.
This will be my first baby but DH has 2 kids from previous relationship. Should be noted that his ex went on indefinite maternity leave although she will have received mat leave pay from her employer for the first few months.
As our finances are completely separate despite being married (owing to his trust issues since first partner left him), my husband expects me to continue to support myself through this pregnancy and beyond - it is also becoming clear that he expects me to pay for everything that will be needed for the baby.
This WAS a 'planned' pregnancy in that we were ttc for 2 years and even had IVF (failed) although when I did fall pregnant it was no longer expected and has been a minor miracle considering my age (42) and history (7 early miscarriages).
I have no assets as I lived abroad from age 25 to 35 and have never been able to get on the housing ladder, but I earn enough to get by.
My husband owns the house we live in and we share the bills. His reason for not letting me pay towards the house and getting named on the deeds is that he wants it to be for his children from first marriage, which I fully accepted, but now we have a baby of our own on the way I was hoping things might change.
In short, I feel very vulnerable and anxious and completely unsupported by my husband. I know he won't let us starve but this pressure to keep working (he thinks I should juggle things so my clients pay me for results rather than days worked) and my fear of not having my own income is ruining this time for me which I had dreamt of for so long.

Given I his attitude I personally would stop any further contributions to the house/joint expenses. Put the money you would have paid/spent in a separate account as a fighting fund/for your baby. Tell him that you cannot afford to pay for these things until you go back to work.
If the thought of doing that frightens you get out, and do it now before the baby is born. Make sure you know as much as you an about his financial position. Speak to your client work out where you are going to be with that if you take some time off. Depending on whether you will still have your client, whether they need you to be in the area, and where your family are consider where you want to be going forward as I expect you will be a single parent anyway.

What on earth have I just read!
How on earth have you let yourself get into this situation OP? You're having a baby with a man who treats you like dirt!
I am really absolutely speechless. This is not a relationship OP, he is not your partner.
Why would you have to pay for all baby-related expenses? I mean, how on earth has that happened?

With regard to your main question - my work is similar to yours, freelance etc - there is no way I could have worked even one day a week in the early days. Every second of my day was consumed by the baby, breastfeeding, recovering from childbirth (had major haemorhagging etc), mastitis, feeding through the night etc. It was physically and emotionally exhausting and all-consuming. (I had no family nearby, though, so if you get help from family your experience might be better.)
But it was wonderful having that time to devote to bonding with my baby, watching her grow and develop! I can't imagine missing any of it. I took maternity leave for the full time statutory maternity allowance was paid (9 months I think?) and wished it could have been longer.
I can't imagine a partner expecting you to work immediately after childbirth when you're raising a newborn.
Honestly OP, I thinky you'd be better off emotionally if you're on your own, away from this utter jerk.
And I'm so sorry for your past fertility struggles, good luck OP

You’re going to need sound financial and legal advice OP.
Seriously, I would start doing that now. Of course he wanted you to buy a property...so you’ll have somewhere to stay when this all goes to the wall!
Do you have family near you?
Please, please consider very carefully your future and what everyone has said on here. Your baby deserves brand new things, things just for them.....but they definitely deserve a happy mummy.

With the client (if you want to keep them in whatever circs), is it possible to work ahead, so have some things 'ready to go'? Then pick up a few tasks from 6 weeks / 2 months, then back properly from 3 months? Could work alongside baby sleeping patterns - naps and evenings (or early mornings). Could really not, depending on the birth and the baby.

Of course you should take maternity leave. I’m a freelancer and I planned to work all the way through but it’s not possible for the first six weeks at least, even with an easy baby. You will be much more likely to get PND if you’re under pressure to work whilst getting up every 2 hours to feed a baby. I did manage to work about 3 days a week (over 7days) from 3 months onwards.

Is your husband willing to have the baby for two days over the weekend to help you make up the hours, if you did go back after, say, 3 months?

BTW you can claim statutory maternity allowance of 139 a week for 39 weeks, even as a freelancer.

His attitude sounds very worrying. My husband and I had separate finances but still he basically paid me for the time I took off to look after our children and he also paid all the expenses related to the children, including nursery fees when I did go back to work.

Does he pay maintenance towards his other children?

Sorry OP he sounds awful.

He sounds more ghastly as you continue, OP. You are princessy for wanting a few new things for a long awaited baby? I'm a great believe in SH but it was my choice and even I wanted some new things.

he's a solicitor

So have you seen the documents regarding ownership of the house? And what is the bollocks about he will "try" to ensure you are not rendered homeless by his children's inheritance? Protecting the residence rights of a surviving spouse during their lifetime is a common will requirement and as a solicitor he knows this.

So who really owns the house? Is it in his name or in the name of a trust?

He sounds awful.
I think your should show him this thread.

Sounds like you will actually be better off financially if you leave him!! You can then enforce the financial maintenance that he should actually be providing in the marriage.

As for encouraging you to invest in an investment property (that would actually be a ludicrous risk) - whoop de do! That's because he's treating you as entirely financially separate. I tell lots of friends to get investment properties because it is a good way for them to ensure their financial security. I am not married to them and therefore in part responsible for their financial responsibility!!

Honestly OP - you will be very very much better off on your own.

As well as all the advice here on financial abuse and his lack of support, please keep in mind often there are complications meaning that women need significant recovery time or baby need special care. Your DH is really downplaying what you may face before even being mentally and physically ready to return to work. You will also be a higher risk for PND and PNA with an unsupportive partner. Can you leave and stay with family before baby arrives. I would be really concerned that you will be left expected to do 100% of the childcare plus contributing equally (or more) financially before you are recovered.

As you don't share finances, your DH needs to pay for half the expenses relating to the baby, and one of those expenses includes time off for you to recover from the birth and look after the newborn. It also includes childcare for the baby once you are able to return to work.

It really is as simple as that. He may have 'trust issues' from his previous marriage but anything else is not treating you fairly.

Just because the house is in his name, does not mean that you don't have a claim on it if you got divorced. It would become one of the assets of the marriage. If he refuses to step up (financially and emotionally) then that might be the way to go.

He's a shit and now you are having a child of your own with him it is becoming more apparent to you and unable to ignore. He wont change, he sounds awful. Use the time you have before your baby is born to see a solicitor and make an exit plan ensuring some sort of financial provision for you and your child.

Your client lives with you? Are they a family member? Your husband is a twat.

Maternity leave is for the baby. To bond with their primary caregiver(s) and ensure all their needs are met. Also obviously the mum needs to recover from the birth which can take a few months even for a straightforward birth. Plus it's not really practical to work when you're bleeding, feeding up to 12x a day and getting woken up every 2 hours through the night.

How does he actually think this could work given most people with a newborn struggle to find time for a cup of tea or a shower?

What does your client say, surely you have discussed it with them?

How does he think this will affect the baby?

Why the fuck doesnt he think he needs to pay anything for the planned baby?! He has a moral and legal responsibility to pay towards it, why does he think you need to do this? Especially when you earn more.

He is being completely unreasonable. I'm not sure how you do about convincing him of this though. Have you got any other support at all if you needed?

Sorry, hadn't RTFT. Even if he is a solicitor that doesn't stop you from seeking advice, not caught up yet but do you have any friends or family to listen and help you? I disagree with showing him this thread, it wont change him and would probably make it worse. YANBU by the way. Maternity leave is also to give you a chance to recover from the enormity of carrying and birthing a baby. He's such a dick.

if he's as bad as he sounds I think it explains why he already has an ExW.

Fucking hell. Divorce him and take half.

He sounds hideous. Absolutely hideous and cruel and selfish and mean.

Please at least get some confidential legal advice about your rights in the event of a split. Don't believe a damn thing he says about what you're entitled to, he sounds like he's misrepresented some facts already.

top any further contributions to the house/joint expenses. Put the money you would have paid/spent in a separate account
Absolutely this. You can't afford bills, you have a child to raise alone!
Even if baby does have everything second hand, that isn't actually a reason for you to pay for it alone.

Do the older kids live in second hand everything? Does his maintenance payments reflect that face that kids don't need new things??

You have a number of different issues going on here:
Your DH seems to think that he can just decide to exclude you/your child which is not okay. At the very least, now he has three children, he needs to show that he's as committed to this one as he is to the others which means all assets split three ways. And of course, you need somewhere to live.

How you handle maternity leave is up to you and your client. I was able to stop working with one client completely for 3 months. My other regular client I carried on working with but outsourced a huge chunk of the work so that I didn't have to do as much - obviously, I didn't get paid as well therefore, but I was able to service the client, maintain the relationship and cope with my newborn. My point is that there are ways to make this work but you need to be sorting it right now and working with your client to find an answer.

If DH wants to take on some of the caring so that you can work, I'd say that's fine (although I really would strongly recommend you give yourself at least 6 weeks as a total break), but then you and DH need to be very CLEAR on what that means. ie, if he's reducing his hours so that he's caring for the baby for two days a week, then on those two days he is 100% caring for the baby and doing any other tasks that would normally be included at home while you are 100% working. He cannot use that time to get in a round of golf, enjoy a lie in or to "help you".

But really, his overall attitude is very worrying and I think you should be very cautious. And yes to the life insurance policy - that seems like a no brainer to me and I'm actually quite shocked you don't have one already - for both of you quite frankly. If nothing else, I assume you have life insurance to cover the mortgage should he die?

So he's got things planned for if he dies...what about if something happens to you? (Sorry, but it's a possibility, even if a vanishingly small one).

What provision does he have in place if you are confined to hospital for a period of time after the birth? Or, god forbid, if you died in childbirth? It sounds almost as though he considers this child to be completely separate to him, as though he 'took in' a pregnant woman to give her a roof over her head, rather than being a partner in all this!

This gets worse. He's a real 'fireside devil' isn't he - all external respectability, masking domestic abuse.

He suggested YOU buy an investment property, for yourself?

He 'allowed' YOU to take out life insurance on him? (Point of info - you don't need anyone's permission to do this).

Stop this right now. HE needs to take out life insurance, to protect HIS mortgage payments on HIS house. So that HIS wife and child have a secure future, should anything happen to him. His will MUST reflect this too.

Don't let him have any say in anything to do with the baby (name suggestions, anything), until he's sorted those, most basic, things out.

How would he feel if you state clearly and factually in public what your state of affairs is? So, if you were to start joining local Fb selling groups and asking if anyone has x, y, z for a certain price - making clear you are unable to pay more etc.

I think getting most things second hand is reasonable (to be fair I think most people only realise this afterwards, after their baby only used the expensive piece of equipment for 4 weeks) but obviously there are things you need brand new - anything soft but not washable (soft toys, things without washable removable covers), mattress, car seat etc. Facebook marketplace is good for getting bargains.

“ I really am starting to wonder whether I would be best off completely on my own”

You will. I realise you couldn’t anticipate he’d turn out to be so horrendous but he is. Do you want to raise a child with a man who doesn’t even want to pay for their child?!

Also how are you planning to feed the baby? As if you're breastfeeding it may be difficult for him to help that much with the care, and the baby will only really want you for the first few months (which has good points re bonding etc and bad points eg potentially not getting a break overnight)

Op is this is awful. You need to get proper lawful advice- please please please either see citizens advice, or see a solicitor. You MUST do this asap.