Husband not supportive of my need for maternity leave

[Bellyfish1]

I am a freelancer with one regular client who currently pays me for 4 days' work a week. I am also 31 weeks pregnant and worried how to manage maternity leave.
My husband is also self-employed and earns much more than me but is not supportive of me taking full time maternity leave and thinks I should try to keep on working through even the first months post-partum.
This will be my first baby but DH has 2 kids from previous relationship. Should be noted that his ex went on indefinite maternity leave although she will have received mat leave pay from her employer for the first few months.
As our finances are completely separate despite being married (owing to his trust issues since first partner left him), my husband expects me to continue to support myself through this pregnancy and beyond - it is also becoming clear that he expects me to pay for everything that will be needed for the baby.
This WAS a 'planned' pregnancy in that we were ttc for 2 years and even had IVF (failed) although when I did fall pregnant it was no longer expected and has been a minor miracle considering my age (42) and history (7 early miscarriages).
I have no assets as I lived abroad from age 25 to 35 and have never been able to get on the housing ladder, but I earn enough to get by.
My husband owns the house we live in and we share the bills. His reason for not letting me pay towards the house and getting named on the deeds is that he wants it to be for his children from first marriage, which I fully accepted, but now we have a baby of our own on the way I was hoping things might change.
In short, I feel very vulnerable and anxious and completely unsupported by my husband. I know he won't let us starve but this pressure to keep working (he thinks I should juggle things so my clients pay me for results rather than days worked) and my fear of not having my own income is ruining this time for me which I had dreamt of for so long.

Freelance mother here. I can't advise much on the husband side of things, but that doesn't look good to be honest OP.

As a freelancer you will need to come up with a solid plan for your clients from 1 month before you are due until you wish to return (say, 6 months later for example).

Be aware that they may want to use someone else entirely, may love the freelancer you use for cover and want you to split the account on your return, or may want to stick with them. There are a couple of good Facebook groups you can join to find someone to cover for you.

Good luck.

So basically this is only your child and you just live with him? You'll basically be a single parent anyway.

I'd honestly be leaving the prick.

He’s a delight isn’t he?!!! The house is for the children of his first marriage-what about this child from his marriage to you? Seriously you need to have a big conversation and he needs to step up-this child is his too and he needs to help support you and it.

My dp is slef employed and even he, who can be an arse, wouldn't have dream dof doing this to me or I'd have killed him.
It isn't okay op it really isn't. Your hv and midwife can advice on cb, benefits etc and you can get a referral if your concerned ref abuse and this IS financial abuse

I’m a freelancer with a small child. You need to look into maternity allowance ASAP. It now takes at least three months to process so won’t be available in time for your baby but better later than ever.

re your husband he should obviously be paying towards all baby costs. That just goes without saying; I can’t imagine anyone in the world will think otherwise.

Re work, whatever happens please please don’t try and keep working 4 days with a newborn baby. Unless you are superwoman (or someone else else is looking after the baby 4 days a week from day 1) it will be almost impossible to work to the best of your ability with a small child. I say this as someone who has been in a similar position (and known countless freelancers that have tried the same). The most common outcome of that scenario is that you actually lose your client work because you’re not able to give it the time it requires - clients have absolutely no sympathy for your personal circumstances and just want the same commitment that you’ve always shown. which is impossible to give when you have something else taking up your attention 24/7. Especially with a newborn. You have no idea how you’ll cope with birth, no sleep, a crying baby etc. Take a normal maternity leave. Doesn’t have to be a full year if you need to work earlier. But as soon as you start to work you will need childcare for every single hour you plan to work.

Tell him he is being a dick and needs to have a long hard think about the way he is treating you, he has a week to do that and then really consider your relationship as it doesn't sound like one at the moment

Unfortunately at the point your husband wanted house for his dc by first marriage you were screwed. At the very least he should value you enough to want to provide for you and your baby too in the event of his early demise and if he doesn’t want to provide for his 3rd child why is he even having another.
Men making excuses about trust issues are doing just that making excuses. Why marry someone he doesn’t trust and why did you marry someone who doesn’t trust you.
I think you need a serious talk .

My jaw literally dropped reading that. I'm sitting on the bus to work gawping. 1. Maternity leave (sadly) isn't primarily about "enjoying" your baby, it's about recovering from pregnancy and birth and caring for your newborn. 2. You're married, what's his is yours, and the baby has two parents - he should be contributing in line with his share of your combined income to everything, up to and including periods when you may have no income and he's therefore contributing 100%.
I'm so furious on your behalf that I can't even articulate anything else! What a pathetic excuse for a partner he's turned out to be, you poor poor thing.

His behaviour is moving into financial abuse territory. He is refusing to support his own child and expects you to carry on working whilst recovering from childbirth.

it is also becoming clear that he expects me to pay for everything that will be needed for the baby.

It is his baby as well.
He sounds like a selfish arsehole.

This is financial abuse. Ltb.

my husband expects me to continue to support myself through this pregnancy and beyond - it is also becoming clear that he expects me to pay for everything that will be needed for the baby.

Such a man doesn't deserve to be married to you. Or be a father. I really would consider divorce. Could you visit an attorney to see where exactly you'd stand (in regards to the house, a prenup etc?). Also, did you and your DH have some of these conversations via text...?

You've supported him for paying for a house in his name, allowed him to dictate what the financial stance is in your relationship and makes no intention of contributing to your forthcoming baby but wants to leave his house to his other two.

Something is a very amiss here OP. You're being taken for a fool and a mug. Trust issues my arse. Hes selfish and cares for how things impact on him. Hes not providing for you and your little one. Hes taking all for himself.

Have a serious discussion and tell him what you expect, that you cant manage financially and that you need time with your little one and need support on it. If he cant find a compromise with you, then you have your answer.

Why does he expect you to pay for everything to do with the baby?

Is he going to expect you to do all the looking after the baby too?

Go see a solicitor and see where you stand.

Seriously consider divorce. If you do divorce, make sure you take copies of all his income and assets so he can't hide his income from the courts, if it comes to that.

How long have you been married?

He is being a dick. Of course he needs to contribute half to this child. So also ask him, what future investment is he prepared to provide for this child if the house you are living in is for his DC from previous relationship.

I think you know your clients and their needs. As PP said, the contribution from him and your work are two separate things.

I would also be concerned if you have put yourself into a situation where you might be worse off financially. It seems you are not in a position to have financial security. Ie. The home you are in is ‘his’. The bills you are sharing - are they what you would expect if you were living where you chose to live or are they higher? Does this arrangement mean you are not able to build savings, pension (hard as a freelancer) and investment?

He sounds awful OP. What a nasty tight bastard. He doesn't sound like he even likes you, never mind loves and wants a baby with you. I would look into Maternity allowance and what benefits you'd be entitled to in the short term until you can divorce him and get back on your feet.

Leave OP. I genuinely believe you need to leave him. He’s financially abusing you and I have no doubt this is going to lead to emotional abuse at the very least, once the baby has arrived. Get yourself and your baby away from this horrible excuse for a man.

Your post has made me wonder about why his first marriage did break up. Are you sure this is a reaction to it and not just how he is? Did his first marriage break up because of a difference in expectation of financial contributions post child birth?

It also sounds like he did absolutely nothing in his marriage regarding being a parent to his other children. Otherwise he would know that you need time to recover from child birth and to care for a new born. Particularly if he is not going to step up and help with this one.

Wow - he is clearly very guilty about leaving his first family despite the fact that he has his cake and married again with another child. Like it or not, he has certain legal responsibilities that he has to do. You are entitled to maternity leave as you (and your oh) don't know how you will be after the birth - you are not his ex. The principal issue here is how your single client will deal with your extended leave - have you asked them? Can you sub contract whilst you are not working?
Your husband should be supporting you and your child ESPECIALLY during this time and at 31 weeks pregnant it is not really the time to throw in the 'separate finances' lark. It means nothing. You don't create separate bills living in the same house so you shouldn't have separate finances (not to say that some money should be separated). Do you calculate the cost of each meal? Hopefully not. Tell him that you are his wife, this is his child, and the situation is that your assets are shared from a legal point of view. You were understanding that the house should go to his children but that includes his 3rd child. If he doesn't like it then he shouldn't have gone into another marriage and another child.

Ok if there is one post you need to read and act on it’s the one from @poloevi

One serious piece of advice: do not make any commitments to return to work until 2 weeks before due date and 14 weeks after your due date minimum.

This gives you time to physically recover (you may end up with stitches/a CS) plus it gives you a clear 12 weeks should baby arrive late, and it gives you a bit of headroom should baby arrive early.

I am not even going to deign to comment about your DH, all i will say is if you want to return to work (or have to) you are going to need support, care and help. This isn’t just for baby it’s for you and if it’s not there in those crucial first few weeks that will impact on your fitness to work.

Might want to let your charming spouse know.

You have just given an excellent description of financial abuse.

He has "trust issues" because of a previous partner? Yes how convenient, I'd like to hear their side of it because from observation men that do this with one woman often have form for the behaviour.

You need to address this before teh baby is born or plan a future without him.

He isn't a good man op. I would love to hear his ex's side of the story cos I bet it's a bit different to his!

Are you going to be expected to pay for everything for your child going forwards? All the clothes/shoes/toys/Christmas presents?

Your marriage is over. Indeed, apart from the sex, I would suggest it was never really there from his point of view. Get a Shit Hot Lawyer, and make him smart.

Has he actually given a reason as to why he feels you should pay for everything for yours and his baby?