Husband not supportive of my need for maternity leave

[Bellyfish1]

I am a freelancer with one regular client who currently pays me for 4 days' work a week. I am also 31 weeks pregnant and worried how to manage maternity leave.
My husband is also self-employed and earns much more than me but is not supportive of me taking full time maternity leave and thinks I should try to keep on working through even the first months post-partum.
This will be my first baby but DH has 2 kids from previous relationship. Should be noted that his ex went on indefinite maternity leave although she will have received mat leave pay from her employer for the first few months.
As our finances are completely separate despite being married (owing to his trust issues since first partner left him), my husband expects me to continue to support myself through this pregnancy and beyond - it is also becoming clear that he expects me to pay for everything that will be needed for the baby.
This WAS a 'planned' pregnancy in that we were ttc for 2 years and even had IVF (failed) although when I did fall pregnant it was no longer expected and has been a minor miracle considering my age (42) and history (7 early miscarriages).
I have no assets as I lived abroad from age 25 to 35 and have never been able to get on the housing ladder, but I earn enough to get by.
My husband owns the house we live in and we share the bills. His reason for not letting me pay towards the house and getting named on the deeds is that he wants it to be for his children from first marriage, which I fully accepted, but now we have a baby of our own on the way I was hoping things might change.
In short, I feel very vulnerable and anxious and completely unsupported by my husband. I know he won't let us starve but this pressure to keep working (he thinks I should juggle things so my clients pay me for results rather than days worked) and my fear of not having my own income is ruining this time for me which I had dreamt of for so long.

I have suggested we open a joint account which we contribute to equally (I from savings, he from income) to provide for the baby. He doesn't think this is necessary and would prefer to just get things as and when. As the main food shopper and the one expected to buy the big hits (pram etc), I am bound to pay for the vast majority of baby's upkeep.

The issue here isn't what you pay. (Well it is to some extent because you are haemorrhaging money).

What is important is what he wants here:
He wants you not to have a FOF thanks to covering all expenses. (A FOF represents 'options other than the relationship' for you.)
He wants to have the pleasure of cracking the whip and saying no to you when you ask for financial support.
He wants to maximise income and minimise expenses on his part.

Here is how I know he is full of horseshit - What do you think he is getting out of the refusal to get the dishwasher plumbed in or the damp patch fixed? A normal man would like to have a dishwasher plumbed in because it adds value to the property, and getting damp sorted out would of course do the same. If this house, this precious investment and his children's inheritance, means so much to him that he is willing to let ownership of it come between you, why not sort out the damp? Why not add value through getting the dishwasher plumbed in?

He has issues alright. But they have nothing to do with trust.

He is playing control games here.

He has apparently been successful in presenting himself as some kind of a victim as a result of his first marriage, with his children 'taken from him' by a woman who sponged off him. Some women are vulnerable to falling for the victim narrative. Some men use it to target strong, attractive, loving women because they feel they deserve no less. Destroying a strong, decisive, attractive, happy women is all the more satisfying to some abusers because it involves creating chaos where there was order, creating misery where there was happiness, and taking something great that you had just because they feel that if they can't have that then nobody should.

And they will make you feel you have no choice but to stick around and absorb all their projected self loathing even though you once had the gumption to move abroad and live there successfully for many years.

My guess is there were lots of good reasons for his first wife to leave him at a time when she would have needed major financial and practical support with two small children. My guess is she became a sahm so that he wouldn't take the children from her. I am also guessing that she waited until the oldest was in school until she left because she couldn't afford to leave earlier, but she would have gone if she could. I suspect she had no Fuck Off Fund for various reasons. Maybe she had to buy a dishwasher or pay plumbers or buy all the baby equipment and clothes and formula and nappies?

His story of generosity to her, paying her rent until she married someone else is probably BS. She was probably awarded child support, which continued until she married someone else, and if it then stopped maybe this was because she could finally afford to never have anything to do with him again as long as she lived.

I am guessing you have only his side of the story when it comes to how he treated his first wife?
Contact this woman. Do not let him know what you are doing.

@Bellyfish1 I could have written so many of your posts. It took mumsnet to make me realise what my husband was doing. Like you, I'd posted for advice on one issue and posters pointed out a weird parallel universe that I hadn't even realised existed, in which DH was financially abusing me.

It took me a good couple of YEARS to realise that actually, a bunch of strangers on the internet had my back more than my husband did. But they were right. It was hard to swallow.

No matter how many times you raise this with him, it's not going to get better. He will not change his mind set or his behaviour. He will just gaslight you and convince you that it's actually reasonable behaviour in his part. He will turn the screws even tighter and you will be in a worse position the longer you stay. HE WILL NOT CHANGE.

I wish I could give myself a stern talking to back then- he was so lovely in other ways I really couldn't believe he was abusive. I'm so sorry Bellyfish1 because I remember how "got at" I felt when other posters told me what was going on. It's a shit situation all round, I'm so sorry you're in it too xx

Agree with all @OldMotherHubbardsBigBottom and @mathanxiety say.

It would be very good to hear from his ex wife. Although in my case DPs wife was pretty entitled and actually quite a bully too. She didn’t want DP to leave her, still loves him I think, and uses him. DP didn’t complain about her at all. For a while this made me want to be even more of a ‘good person’ to DP (not so greedy) and I spent years trying to give him a stress free existence as he hadn’t had that before.

What I didn’t realize that whilst I might have been feeling that I was better than his Ex - he chose her and he had kids with her and that pattern of manipulation became one that both DP and his Ex played out. Whether she started it or retaliated like it I don’t know. However in a sense it doesn’t matter, our DPs have chosen to be very mean and controlling with us, women who are not being like this with them.

I say this as you might be like me. Secretly convinced that of course it’s just a matter of time before DP slowly is reassured enough to treat us better than their Ex, and we try and play so so fair. However even if it’s true that your DP was all used up by his Ex - like a classic cycle of abuse he’s now become the abuser. He’s not seeing you. He’s not treating you like a person. He’s not engaging in a relationship where you grow and learn about each other. He’s treating you in the way he wishes he treated his Ex wife. (Or like maths said that is all smoke and mirrors and in fact he’s always been like this).

We need to listen carefully to what our DPs say. It reveals a lot. My DP, soon to be Ex, now says I’m awful and I’m controlling. It’s like I’m worse than his Ex. It’s so weird and so sad really. He says it as I think he was so damaged he sees all women as basically controlling now. He trusts none of us. A few years ago he was very honest in a sad moment and got cold feet and said
‘I don’t think I can do this anymore, the family thing, I was all used up from my first marriage and I truly don’t think I can do this again’

I should have listened very carefully. Unfortunately I’d had the baby already! However our DPs may just be too broken to be able to give what it takes the second time around. Too hardened. Or just too mean.

@Bellyfish1 congrats on your pregnancy. I'm so sorry that your not allowed to enjoy it like you should and are instead preoccupied with a financially abusive and manipulative husband.

I was a financial abuse victim, I had non FO account (major regret of mine) I ended up giving birth in a foreign country on my own and unemployed at that as ex had forced me from our joint business and blocked all access to business accounts. Don't underestimate how much financial abuse can affect your mental health.

I'm glad you've put steps in place to ensure you and baby will be sorted for the first 6 weeks. Being so proactive and resilient will get you through most struggles.

Can you ask family to come down and support you when bubs is born?

@Bellyfish1 - have you talked to your major Client to ask them how long they could do without you? They sound as if they appreciate the work you do and I'm sure that they would be very supportive with your time off. You might find that they may be happy to wait for you for a few months - giving you that precious time to be with your baby and physically recover. As so many previous posters have said, you might find you need the time off. The tiredness alone with a new baby is something that any new parent will tell you, is a complete shock and nothing can prepare you for. During this time the last thing you need to be worrying about is your DH's attitude towards money. He should 100% be supporting you both mentally and financially during your maternity leave. Just because you are freelance, does not mean you have to compromise on this. After all if you were a perm staff, you would automatically get SMP.

Another point to consider - my Mum was financially abused. Growing up I heard her having to constantly beg and plead my Dad for money. She was working full time and my parents were not hard up for money.! My Dad would take her entire salary and give her a tiny allowance per week as he would say that she could not be trusted with money as she would spend it all on fripperies and essentials. He told her that he would manage the finances as she was stupid with numbers.

As a child, although I had a roof over my head and enough basic food, and there was no physical abuse, there was little else. I looked enviously at my friends who were able to go to after school activities, had nicer clothes, toys, etc etc. I remember having to beg my Dad for so many things. It was embarrassing also that I couldn't give my school friends nice presents or turn down outings with them. My Dad would sneer and berate these things saying that there was no need, it was a waste of money and not essential.

I hated it. I felt sorry for my Mum and knew even at primary school age that this was not right. As a teen, I wondered why on earth she accepted it and tried many times to tell her to get out.

You need to seriously consider whether your new baby will be experiencing something similar.

Additionally my Mum too was pressurised by my Dad to return to full time work as soon as possible. She always deeply regretted not spending the time with me and my dsis. This is time you will never get back. In the end, my Mum regret turned into resentment.

OP, please take a week out with your parents, to think, rest and consider your next steps.

I’m glad you took action OP and hope you keep him to his words.

I’ve had a baby 6months old I’m an older parent & baby is via ivf. I live in an inherited property which I had to raise a mortgage to pay off the other beneficiaries DH contributed 20% for purchase. I worked 9months into pregnancy & we had discussed I would like a year off. This changed after DH parents stayed with us. I have since continued to pay for all bills, mortgages baby’s clothes , foods nappies. Unfortunately my company have reduced my maternity pay. I have approached subject with DH if he would financially allow me to take full year. My DH is a high earner on a salary of £96k he stated he will provide £900pm towards the running costs of house& baby supplies only. Am I being unreasonable as feel this is not enough & will still leave me financially struggling. I want to enjoy my baby my DH does not assist around the house & only spends 20mins with baby here & there. I feel like I have to beg to try to increase this allowance. Am I being unreasonable & this will not cover all our living costs. I feel this has caused a strain in our marriage, I could go back to work but feel I will miss my baby & do not feel mentally prepared. I do not like to depend on DH and never have throughout relationship as he is very stingey.
Am I being reasonable this causing me mental & emotional suffering not knowing if he will increase allowance or even give me £900pm. He has a million pound property which he rents & receives income on top of his salary but never financially contributes towards baby or bills etc for the last 4years of being together.

@Serena74

You need to start your own thread as you'll get responses tailored to your needs, not the OP's.

@mathanxiety

Before we got married, we discussed my paying towards the house. I said that I would like to speak with a financial advisor or similar to get something in writing, for both our sakes - just to make sure everything was clear as regards what money would be ringfenced, what would happen if the house lost or gained value etc. This suggestion was like a huge slap in his face. He was furious that we couldn't just agree things verbally and led him to not trust me enough to even want to consider adding me to the deeds. So he has a temper that he is capable of putting to use. And you must trust him...

He then asked me to send him an email confirming that, should anything happen and should our marriage end, I would not make a claim on the house.
...but he gets to distrust you and makes you give him explicit assurances in writing. This attack on you (this is what it was) was massively abusive on his part.
(And I may be wrong here but this unethical demand of his could get him struck off the Rolls.)

I was angry at how little he trusted me and genuinely did not want to jepardise his children's inheritance (thinking I would just buy something myself as soon as I could and have a separate investment), so I sent him this email.
Did he accuse you of wanting to jeopardise his existing children's interest in the home?
Regardless, you scrambled to reassure him, thus telling him that this relationship was more important to you than your own self-interest, and that he could continue to abuse you.
That was actually what he was looking for, not any reassurance about his children's inheritance.
He cracked the whip. You jumped. He won the first round.

He really isn't a bad man.

He didn't ask me to pay towards anything for the first 8 or 9 months of moving in so that I could pay off my debts...
Nice of him to support you after refusing to give you any claim on the house you were calling your home...

...(not big debts, but credit cards etc.Not more than 10k including old student loan).
You are defensive here, and I suspect he has held this over you more than once.

His absolute intolerance of any debt has made him believe that I am not financially responsible though, which is also why he doesn't want us to join finances - which, considering I have never been anything but financially independent is really insulting but I have just thought I could earn his trust over time.
And there is it, you thought you could earn his trust.

This is the abusive basis of the relationship.

You ask why I married him. The financial concerns almost broke us and tbh, I almost didn't, but I love him and thought this was something we could work on/work out over time. Until I fell pregnant, it didn't cast such a shadow and I didn't expect it to get this bad. I never thought he would be do unrealistic in his expectations of me/my ability to remain financially independent should I become a mother to our child.
You married him because you were hooked. You rose to his challenge - to work hard and prove that this man you loved could trust you.

He paid for the IVF and was absolutely desperate for us to have a child together - possibly more so than me. Which adds to my confusion. (I paid for the wedding so as to balance this out.)
It was HIS idea to get married and to get married so quickly. I was very happy to be asked but also surprised at the trust this demonstrated - hence why I thought he would change and trust me more over time.
It was HIS idea to get married and to get married so quickly.
And I notice how you were happy that you were making progress in working on the challenge he set out for you, to gain his trust .
He wanted you trapped. He now has a captive victim, which is what he wanted from this relationship.
Wanting a quick commitment and a quick baby to limit your room for manouver has red flags all over it.

The only other point worth clarifying is that I have moved 2.5 hours away from my family to be with him. I work from home so have little to no social or support network nearby. If we did separate, I would have to move away from him and close to my family. I only waited so long to have a baby because I wanted a family, not just a baby, so to break us up and add such a distance between our child and it's father is something I'm very reluctant to do.
Of course you have moved away from your natural support, from people who would notice if you were miserable.
You are isolated from family who could help you out on a daily basis and you are coming to a time when you will need support both financial and emotional. This is an ideal situation from the abuser's pov.
Why are you reluctant to put distance between the baby and its father? This man is nothing more than a sperm donor, according to his own insistence on not paying any costs related to the baby and evidenced by the fact that you had to press him to include this baby with the other children wrt inheritance.
Somehow or other this man has convinced you that you owe him. You owe him evidence that he can trust you, and now you owe him access to a baby he doesn't give a damn about. Meanwhile, he owes you nothing. No support in any form.
And you think he would treat a baby any differently?

You are doing a lot of wishful thinking in this relationship and I urge you to stop that and start viewing this man as an adversary, not a friend, who will never be anything more than what he has shown himself to be - callous, cruel, cold, abusive, and very, very angry.
When someone tells you who they are, you need to pay attention and believe them.
Please call Women's Aid and get stuck into therapy.
0808 2000 247.
Leave a message. Ask them to call you back at a convenient time.

Please leave asap, and move back in with your parents.
Would they be able to help you to find and pay for a solicitor?

As I don't contribute to the mortgage but do have a roof over my head, my husband actually thinks I am the one who is mean with money, as I only pay half the bills and buy food shopping. I think this is why he expects me to be buying all the bits for the baby.
What utter self-serving, abusive nonsense on his part.
He has very effectively put you on the defensive, hasn't he?

I may seem mean to not pay more but I refuse to pay towards an asset that will never be mine (the house) so he can have more free cash to save - giving him even more financial security whilst all my income us spent on the day-to-day with nothing left over for savings.
What is this about 'seeming mean'? Did he say this? Do you feel this is really what is happening here - that you are being mean?
How would you categorise refusal to buy new gear and clothes for your own baby?
You are already giving him plenty of free cash for bills, and as a result you have none left for your own most pressing need - a solicitor to handle your divorce.

He has succeeded in losing you in a fog of guilt, obligation and emotional debt to him.

Sorry for all the detail but it is a complicated one. I am applying for SMO but it will only cover the cost of my car, phone bill, and other small outgoings as well as the bare minimum of baby supplies and good, so I worry I would not be able to survive on this alone and will have no choice but to return to work almost immediately.
This is all so incredibly sad.
You are describing horrible abuse in great detail and you can't see it for what it is.

Some words on abuse:
It often rears its head - or switches into high gear - during pregnancy.
Some men use a woman's previous relationships as a means of controlling them and inflicting abuse on them. The dynamic is that they make the woman prove her trustworthiness but they accuse her constantly, and use her lack of trustworthiness as an excuse for control and abuse of all kinds.

This one is instead using your (completely normal) debt and your freelance work/ vulnerability to lack of income. He is also punishing you for standing up for yourself at the start of the relationship.

On top of all that, he is now using your pregnancy and impending motherhood/ unavailability for work to abuse you. He is piling on pressure from a financial pov, causing you great distress. He is getting a great kick from painting you into a corner and watching your distress and desperation.

It is all abuse, pure and simple.

Maybe you are right that he isn't a bad man. Given the evidence of coldness, cruelty and complete selfishness you have described, I would go so far as to say you are married to a psychopath, and I agree 100% with NettleTea's post.

@Bellyfish1, what you are describing is classic abuse.

There is absolutely no future for this relationship.

This post says it all. You need to get out OP. This is not going to get any better, and if you leave while pregnant it will be much easier.

ZOMBIE

zurala
Seeing as this thread is over 18 months old, I imagine that baby is well and truly here.
Anyway I hope that OP has ditched this rotten miser and is a happy, healthy new single mum.

I doubt this has ended well.

Poor OP.

I hope OP left!

@Serena74 Do start your own thread. You're in a horrible situation and need support.

OP you might have had a wedding, but you're not married. At least, not in any definition of the word married that I recognise.

Your marriage should be your safe harbour, supporting each other, even carrying each other at times. Your marriage should be one of the very best things about your life. If it's not, then you're married to the wrong person.

Zombie

Zombie

Zombie

Zombie

@notapizzaeater

It doesn't matter if your names not on the deeds, you're married, you are entitled to a share of the house.

Is he worried you won't have clients to go back to ?

This is true. Marriage gives you rights.

He is a greedy selfish controlling waste of space. Of course you should have maternity leave. See a solicitor as regards your rights to any equity in the house. I don't see a future with somebody with absolutrly no consideration for his wife. Why should you be punished for what his ex did.

What a s*bag. You deserve better

@Merryoldgoat

Honestly? I’d divorce him. He’s not your partner, doesn’t see you as his equal and is a twat.

But I suspect you’re not even that surprised by his treatment, are you?

See a solicitor. You’ll be entitled to a share of the house, possibly spousal support and certainly child support.

He had no business making a child with you if he didn’t intend to support you both, both emotionally and financially.

He won’t get better. If you don’t leave now he’ll grind you down.

All of this. This is an absolute shit storm op.

Zombie thread yet again.