Husband not supportive of my need for maternity leave

[Bellyfish1]

I am a freelancer with one regular client who currently pays me for 4 days' work a week. I am also 31 weeks pregnant and worried how to manage maternity leave.
My husband is also self-employed and earns much more than me but is not supportive of me taking full time maternity leave and thinks I should try to keep on working through even the first months post-partum.
This will be my first baby but DH has 2 kids from previous relationship. Should be noted that his ex went on indefinite maternity leave although she will have received mat leave pay from her employer for the first few months.
As our finances are completely separate despite being married (owing to his trust issues since first partner left him), my husband expects me to continue to support myself through this pregnancy and beyond - it is also becoming clear that he expects me to pay for everything that will be needed for the baby.
This WAS a 'planned' pregnancy in that we were ttc for 2 years and even had IVF (failed) although when I did fall pregnant it was no longer expected and has been a minor miracle considering my age (42) and history (7 early miscarriages).
I have no assets as I lived abroad from age 25 to 35 and have never been able to get on the housing ladder, but I earn enough to get by.
My husband owns the house we live in and we share the bills. His reason for not letting me pay towards the house and getting named on the deeds is that he wants it to be for his children from first marriage, which I fully accepted, but now we have a baby of our own on the way I was hoping things might change.
In short, I feel very vulnerable and anxious and completely unsupported by my husband. I know he won't let us starve but this pressure to keep working (he thinks I should juggle things so my clients pay me for results rather than days worked) and my fear of not having my own income is ruining this time for me which I had dreamt of for so long.

Firstly, you need to apply for Maternity Allowance. Print out the form, fill it in and mail it back as a matter of urgency. It's the way that the government pays statutory maternity pay to freelancers. This will give you at least some income.

Secondly, consider splitting with your awful-sounding husband. I don't think anything you've posted in your "defence" was reasonable. You may well be much better off on your own. Would he attend marriage counselling, at least to facilitate a split? You should consult a lawyer as he is one and as a self-employed person he can hide his assets much more easily.

"He is punishing you and making you suffer for something a previous woman did to him. That is not fair."

I;d love to hear his ex DP's side....

Before we got married, we discussed my paying towards the house. I said that I would like to speak with a financial advisor or similar to get something in writing, for both our sakes - just to make sure everything was clear as regards what money would be ringfenced, what would happen if the house lost or gained value etc. This suggestion was like a huge slap in his face. He was furious that we couldn't just agree things verbally and led him to not trust me enough to even want to consider adding me to the deeds.
He then asked me to send him an email confirming that, should anything happen and should our marriage end, I would not make a claim on the house.
I was angry at how little he trusted me and genuinely did not want to jepardise his children's inheritance (thinking I would just buy something myself as soon as I could and have a separate investment), so I sent him this email.

He really isn't a bad man. He didn't ask me to pay towards anything for the first 8 or 9 months of moving in so that I could pay off my debts (not big debts, but credit cards etc. Not more than 10k including old student loan). His absolute intolerance of any debt has made him believe that I am not financially responsible though, which is also why he doesn't want us to join finances - which, considering I have never been anything but financially independent is really insulting but I have just thought I could earn his trust over time.

You ask why I married him. The financial concerns almost broke us and tbh, I almost didn't, but I love him and thought this was something we could work on/work out over time. Until I fell pregnant, it didn't cast such a shadow and I didn't expect it to get this bad. I never thought he would be do unrealistic in his expectations of me/my ability to remain financially independent should I become a mother to our child.

He paid for the IVF and was absolutely desperate for us to have a child together - possibly more so than me. Which adds to my confusion. (I paid for the wedding so as to balance this out.).
It was HIS idea to get married and to get married so quickly. I was very happy to be asked but also surprised at the trust this demonstrated - hence why I thought he would change and trust me more over time.

The only other point worth clarifying is that I have moved 2.5 hours away from my family to be with him. I work from home so have little to no social or support network nearby. If we did separate, I would have to move away from him and close to my family. I only waited so long to have a baby because I wanted a family, not just a baby, so to break us up and add such a distance between our child and it's father is something I'm very reluctant to do.

As I don't contribute to the mortgage but do have a roof over my head, my husband actually thinks I am the one who is mean with money, as I only pay half the bills and buy food shopping. I think this is why he expects me to be buying all the bits for the baby.

I may seem mean to not pay more but I refuse to pay towards an asset that will never be mine (the house) so he can have more free cash to save - giving him even more financial security whilst all my income us spent on the day-to-day with nothing left over for savings.

Sorry for all the detail but it is a complicated one. I am applying for SMO but it will only cover the cost of my car, phone bill, and other small outgoings as well as the bare minimum of baby supplies and good, so I worry I would not be able to survive on this alone and will have no choice but to return to work almost immediately.

Actually, your reply doesn’t make the situation sound any better. He seems to have no idea of what a family actually means. And being a ‘solicitor’ means he might have the idea that he holds all the power anyway.

I would seriously consider your options. Because you do not seem to be in an equal partnership anyway. You might as well be on your own and have him pay his share of the child costs.

Btw, what do you actually know about his first marriage, wife and his relationship with his children? What have you seen for yourself? (Or is your 'knowledge' all just based on the stories he's told you?).

Omg! it Is getting even worse. OP, observe the red flags!

Surely, as you're married, you're entitled to a starting point of 50% of the house, regardless of whether you are on deeds or not. Especially bearing in mind imminent child. I'm not suggesting that you should leave, but I would suggest you complete the form available free from land registry and indicates your interest in the house and will (hopefully) prevent him transferring it to his other children.
I wasn't on deeds of my marital home, but was advised to complete this form as it gives me the right to return at any point ( we split up 5 years ago but still not divorced because he still lives there)

Op this isn't normal, this setup is financial abuse & you're in a very, very vulnerable position because of it and the pregnancy.

Seriously consider how much better off you'd be divorced; you may have less household income but security and stability would be yours.

Your DH is awful.

Erm op a voice of decent here not about the bbay bit he's a twat for that and absolutely should support his child which includes paying while your on mat leave (cheaper than full time childcare to pay your bills etc I assure you!)
I am not married to dp. My home which I own. No mortgage and I will not be putting dps name on it. He has 3 kids from first marriage and we have one together. We agreed this. But he pays zero towards its upkeep and there are no morggae payments. So he pays less than 400 quid a month for somewhere for him n all kids to live - you'd get nothing round here for that as houses hares start at 350.
So the house is in my view irrelevant.
That is a decision you and he made and he is encouraging you to have your own assets, so I don't think it's an issue. But your child needs a third share etc.

. But mat leave is important and he should help you!! He also pays for his kid and Defo pays half of childcare! What's plan when or if you go back to work? He's got to cover half of that at least.

He was furious that we couldn't just agree things verbally and led him to not trust me enough to even want to consider adding me to the deeds

He's a solicitor? He knew what he was doing. And why he was doing it....

He really doesn't sound like a nice man. Not at all.

You’re married to a selfish dickhead, sorry.

You have a right to at least six weeks maternity leave so you can recover but you legally can take up to twelve months. You are in an incredibly vulnerable position despite being married. I can’t believe he won’t buy his own child anything and is expecting you to fund everything, jerk.

Nothing you say makes him sound any better OP.

He sounds manipulative and sly - and due to him being a Solicitor he knew exactly what he was doing.

Shame on him - the way he is treating you, and has been treating you, is truly awful.

This isn’t a proper marriage at all - the whole set up sounds like business arrangement that works wholly in his favour.

This isn’t love OP, this is about control.

Open your eyes and realise that this isn’t right and leave.

Has he insisted you get married so quickly so you can provide care of the home? And so he can move you away from your family/friends and secure your ‘love’ with a child to tie you to the marriage?

Only you can judge whether any of this rings bells for you. Certainly hope it is not the case in any way shape or form.

He might not be a bad man but he is a selfish one. Op I think you need to separate the house situation from the maternity leave situation for the moment. You need to concentrate on him contributing to your maternity leave and costs for the baby for the present. Once the baby is here and when you are back on your feet you should get proper advice on the house.

He still sounds like an arse, and I'm not sure what the courts would decide in the event of a divorce. I don't think an email is exactly legally binding when your DH child will need it as a home!!

If you don't want to split you need to insist that he covers the shortfall after MA and child benefit are taken into account. I went back to work part time at 4 months and that was difficult as I wasn't sleeping - I had to do all the night time wake ups as my DH has a chronic pain condition and is not fit to do it. It was a nightmare to be honest, but we needed the money. If you do go back to work then he's going to need to share all the night-time care 50/50 - does he realise this?

What an arsehole. He’s essentially punishing you for his own psychological issues.

It’s not a complicated one... it’s very, very simple.

He has isolated you from family and friends (worrying) and the way money is being dealt with is financial abuse.

You do not / will not have a family with this man if his behaviour continues. You will have a child with a dead beat father (albeit one you live with) who does nothing for you both unless you act.

Sadly, the way to get a quality of life for you and the baby is up divorce him.

Get some decent legal advice pronto.

He was furious that we couldn't just agree things verbally and led him to not trust me enough to even want to consider adding me to the deeds. He then asked me to send him an email confirming that, should anything happen and should our marriage end, I would not make a claim on the house

Of course he was furious - going to a financial advisor would interfere with his total control. He wanted the baby, he wanted the quick marriage (which you paid for) and he thinks you are mean for not paying more towards his financial assets whilst blocking you from any beneficial interest?

And you are seperated from your family as part of the package?

You need to know who really owns the house, you need good legal advice of your own. Frankly you probably need to move closer back to your family and plan a life without this controlling fucker.

He's using 'offence', upset and previous trust issues as tools to control you.

You make a perfectly sensible suggestion about clarifying your position re the house - not asking him for anything, just seeking clarity - and he uses 'upset' as a tool of control, to shut you down.

Then, having told you in effect that you may not contribute to the mortgage, as this would give you a claim on the house (it wouldn't legally but morally it would seem to), he uses your non-contrubtion as a stick to beat you with.

You are a nice person, who imagines everyone else is nice. He isn't. He's controlling and manipulative. You need the scales to fall from your eyes before you can see this.

The confusion - he wants to have his cake and eat it. Have the perfect wife and child, while also having all his own financial assets.

Again, how would he feel and react, if you were to broadcast your position publicly?

Very interesting to hear from other freelancers - thank you.
I have had unrealistic expectations of what will be feasible after the birth and have decided to take at least 6 weeks off (perhaps with the occasional call with the clients to keep on top of things).

Some of you have asked about my stepkids - they are well provided for and, although they live far away, my husband is a wonderful father to them, visits as often as is allowed (often pressing for more time with them) and we have them for much of the holidays. They're great kids and the fact that they are such a priority for him was a huge factor in why I fell for my husband and thought he would make such a great dad. He pays full maintenance for them and I am sure he would be the same with our baby if we were to split. He is not a bad person. He just has very unrealistic ideas of what I can and should be able to do post-partum and how anxious my financial vulnerability is making me.
When we discuss this (I do raise this quite often, don't worry), it just returns to him feeling he can't trust me financially. I have one small credit card debt and have (horrors of horrors) incurred a parking fine or two recently, which he finds incomprehensible and a major red flag as regards my financial responsibility.
I think he would buy second hand things for baby but only the bare necessities. Given we are hardly poor, I think it would be really nice to be able to but a few new things. But he seems to see this as an extravagance which I should pay for.

He refuses to attend counseling but I do wonder if a little mediation might help things more than a little. As I said, I am very reluctant to become a single mother if it can be avoided. My husband is being a dick but I think he just doesn't understand. I told him that I have been thinking of trying to do this on my own if he won't offer more support but that I would at least like us to try.

We then had a lovely couple if weeks of trying which I ruined last night by saying that I really didn't think I could/will want to return to work in under 2 months after giving birth. Which made him angry. He says I'm throwing money away (meaning potential income).
So back to square one.

He's playing on your desire for a family, your naive willingness to believe everything he tells you, and your willingness to subjugate yourself to him - you hoped you could 'earn his trust over time'? Your husband should worship, desire and adore you! Not treat you like a badly trained dog!

You clearly have low self-esteem, naive optimism and have placed your desire for a baby above your gut feelings that something is very wrong here.

Again, congrats on the pregnancy and, in the end, all will be well. Probably not with this man though.

He was probably just as charming in his dealings with his ex wife, hence she left.
Of course he probably bitterly resents any financial support she got in the divorce and is desperate to ensure that you have no claim to the same.

He's not a good man or husband. He isn't.
My Dh pays for everything, including therapy for me, that's costs thousands so far. He paid off my debt. He buys everything for the children and me and him.
I have always worked and when he hadn't got a job, I paid for everything.
Everything we have is joint, always has been, because that's how a marriage should be.
And trust issues is no excuse. I've escaped years if abuse so have major trust issues, my Dh has been married before and had some trust problems. You deal with them, not bring them into a new relationship.
You deserve better.

Oh OP, I just wish I could give you a hug. To put things in perspective, I am not a freelancer (although I could be as I am a software engineer), my dh (actually partner of 12 years, not married but I consider us married) is a scrooge and our finances are completely independent with us both paying 50/50. He earns a significantly larger wage than myself however I took 6 months maternity with our first ds and 9 months with our second during which DP paid for everything. With our first DS he had colic and would cry over 8 hours a day, non stop for the first 2 months. I actually had to hand him to his daddy on several occasions because I was scared I might hurt him out of desperation and exhaustion. Not once did DP reject or judge me, every woman needs a partner who will support them through the brightest and darkest stages of life. We have a home for which he put in 25% deposit however are both listed as 50/50 joint owners. We pay for childcare, clothes, toys and all other child related costs jointly, infact he has raised my son from another relationship as his own (and recently adopted him) and he has paid 50% of all his upbringing costs since the day we moved in together including school clothes, christmas' and childcare.

There are flaws with my DH which I wanted to change after we had children however the simple truth is, people do not change, infact they become more complacent as a relationship goes on. What is happening to you is not fair, acceptable or justifiable. There were times after childbirth, while DH was asleep snoring as I tried to feed baby and soothe theme for the 20th odd time in the night where I fucking hated DP to his bones, and your DH wants you to go through that and hold down a fucking job?!

Your DH is sick, cruel, selfish and you and your baby deserve so so so much better. How dare he push for a baby and treat their mother the way he is treating you?! He hasn't treated you like family before your baby, he will not begin to after the baby is born and I am so angry for you OP