Husband not supportive of my need for maternity leave

[Bellyfish1]

I am a freelancer with one regular client who currently pays me for 4 days' work a week. I am also 31 weeks pregnant and worried how to manage maternity leave.
My husband is also self-employed and earns much more than me but is not supportive of me taking full time maternity leave and thinks I should try to keep on working through even the first months post-partum.
This will be my first baby but DH has 2 kids from previous relationship. Should be noted that his ex went on indefinite maternity leave although she will have received mat leave pay from her employer for the first few months.
As our finances are completely separate despite being married (owing to his trust issues since first partner left him), my husband expects me to continue to support myself through this pregnancy and beyond - it is also becoming clear that he expects me to pay for everything that will be needed for the baby.
This WAS a 'planned' pregnancy in that we were ttc for 2 years and even had IVF (failed) although when I did fall pregnant it was no longer expected and has been a minor miracle considering my age (42) and history (7 early miscarriages).
I have no assets as I lived abroad from age 25 to 35 and have never been able to get on the housing ladder, but I earn enough to get by.
My husband owns the house we live in and we share the bills. His reason for not letting me pay towards the house and getting named on the deeds is that he wants it to be for his children from first marriage, which I fully accepted, but now we have a baby of our own on the way I was hoping things might change.
In short, I feel very vulnerable and anxious and completely unsupported by my husband. I know he won't let us starve but this pressure to keep working (he thinks I should juggle things so my clients pay me for results rather than days worked) and my fear of not having my own income is ruining this time for me which I had dreamt of for so long.

I work for myself and had a baby last year. I took 16 weeks off. 2 more than planned as I was unwell from 36 weeks.

I do think you need some maternity leave. It’s a really hard time physically and emotionally having a new baby and I think time away from work is needed to make that adjustment.

However, I’m glad I didn’t take more time off as it crippled my business. I went back part time and had enough work to cover those hours. If I had returned full time, I wouldn’t have had enough work.

Maternity allowance should be available to you, although it’s not much. Another reason I’m glad I went back to work, I didn’t want to get into debt.

This is a really sad post Bellyfish1. I agree that your husband is being totally unreasonable to expect you to meet the full costs of your baby, even more so as having the baby was a joint decision.

It sounds as if you are in a really vulnerable position financially (sorry, you know this already). It really needs sorting out jointly. As others say, we have maternity leave for a reason. What if you need a c section or need some time to recover after the birth? I think it’s illegal to work for two weeks after giving birth, whatever you want (are able to do) to do afterwards.

Are you entitled to Maternity Allowance? That’s for people who don’t qualify for SMP. You can check on www.gov.uk/maternity-allowance/eligibility

Hope rest of pregnancy goes smoothly .

Christ, it never fucking ends, does it? How do these men grow up thinking that having children is purely a female pursuit and that they bear no responsibility?

How do they not see that in choosing to have a child they are (jointly) using your womb for nine months and so have a duty to contribute 50% towards the money you lose in that time - among many other things.

How tf do they get away with thinking that any impact to mother's career is her problem and not something they contributed to and so they don't hold any responsibility for it, whilst theirs continues unhalted?

Who tf is raising these massive man-babies that never have to actually change their lives in any meaningful way when they CHOOSE to have children?

And yes, "trust issues" is just a massive cop out for being a c*nt.

Why would you have a baby with someone like this? Sounds like he was just being a sperm donor from what you’ve described. I still can’t get past this whole paying half thing when married and as for when on mat leave with HIS child, why would you still be paying half (never mind everything!!)? I’m so thankful that everything we have is just ours, no mine no yours, no who is paying for that?! Mat leave we worked out if WE could afford it, it wasn’t my husband covering this or that it wasn’t me using MY savings as there’s just no mine and yours. It’s a case of do WE have enough money. I always thought the point in getting married was you were forming a team. Maybe I’m old fashioned (I’m in my 30s!).

I just can’t work out why you’d be married to someone like this let alone try and have a family with them. I’d cut your losses and divorce him, if he treats you like this he can’t be a very nice person.

Freelancer here and 38 weeks pregnant. I will be going pretty much straight back to work (6 weeks officially off, although some small tasks will need to be done during that time) but only doing work at home when DP is off. I'm only doing it because I don't want to lose the clients, not for financial reasons. Your husbands attitude is awful. My DP is concerned about me taking too much on but I'm confident as it's our second child and I managed with DD.

We had a neighbour like this growing up, he was very wealthy and lived a life of luxury while his wife scrimped and saved trying to put clothes on their child's back, he went off to the pub and gave her £5 pocket money a week after taking all her wages as a contribution towards the house and lifestyle.
My mum gave her all my brothers outgrown clothes for her son.
This isn't a marriage and his insecurities are not your problem.
Leave now and build a life for you and your child, he doesn't deserve to be part of it and how can this be a marriage?
This isn't the impression your child needs to grow up with either.

Another one suggesting you look into maternity allowance through the DWP.

You are entitled to this irrespective of your husband earning.

I claimed it after being self employed and expecting DS1. It was a huge help.

Feels like he just doesn’t get it. At 31 weeks I guess you have enough time to figure this out. Maybe he’s just not thought it through properly and needs to be given a reality check?

Looking after a baby is full time job, does he expect you to be working while looking after baby?

“As our finances are completely separate despite being married (owing to his trust issues since first partner left him), my husband expects me to continue to support myself through this pregnancy and beyond - it is also becoming clear that he expects me to pay for everything that will be needed for the baby”

OP, are you actually serious?

Where do people find these men?

Sorry, I know that is not very constructive, but genuinely, how can you even bear to look at him if that’s his attitude?

You feel alone and unsupported because sadly, you actually are. You’re just paying a proportion of his bills at the moment.

Divorce him (obviously). Then he will be forced to contribute to his own child.

Thrash’s like this are beyond belief.

I was self-employed and after 3 months paid maternity leave I had to go back to work. But my ex-husband wasn't working at the time and did all the childcare.
Will he look after the baby 2/3 days a week, if not, what are you supposed to do?

Leave him, work through your maternity, get maintenance from him, and build your own financial base for your child. Don’t let him feather the nest for his kids with your money any more

OP congratulations on your pregnancy Now mightn't seem the best time to be making huge decisions, but you absolutely cannot stay in this marriage. This is only going to get worse. You need to start putting money away and then when the time is right, go. He will have to pay towards your child then! Someone who loves you simply would not treat you like this, sorry

Wow why would you want to be with a man like this? He doesn’t support you (and I don’t mean finically) it’s important to you to have time with your baby and he isn’t supportive of that. I know lots of self employed women who don’t take mat leave and that’s fine for them but you’ve said this is not what you want, this to me is bigger than a money issue ( even though the way you don’t have shared money is madness to me) this is him not hearing your needs or caring about that. This is not a partnership at all. If you’re married the house is 50% yours anyway regardless of who’s name it is in? Is that right I always thought that was the case I may be wrong there though!

Your darling husband is a twat. I would start preparing for a life without him. Sounds like you are putting more into this than he is, and he’s holding on to his old life.

What @AnyFucker said, with bells on.

I worked 4 days a week from my daughters birth emcs, it was on reduced hours as I had a newborn and was EBF but I did it and earned the same as I had previously. It is doable if you get an easy baby who likes to sleep. I found I became incredibly efficient and fast at what I did but it was tough and my relationship with my husband suffered massively as I was tired and stressed.

However, my husband did 90% of stuff around the house and was financially supportive.

Please don’t underestimate the pressure of working and looking after a newborn and the amount of resentment that can build up if you feel your partner isn’t pulling their weight (for me EBF having to do all the night feeds whilst he slept soundly in the spare room pissed me off no end!)

When my DD turned one I realised there was no prize for not taking mat leave and working my arse off for a year whilst looking after a newborn. I’m now a SAHM (although I technically work one day a week to keep my business afloat until I’m ready to get back at it), the crucial difference my husband is not expecting me to make a financial contribution.

The one caveat is that I didn’t use childcare as I didn’t want to (no family around). However if I had it would have been a doddle, there was just no way in I was putting my newborn in childcare.

Good luck deciding what to do, it’s not easy when you have your own business.

Reading your replies, I can see that my concerns are not just raging hormone moments of panic but actually as reasonable as I feared.
In dh defence, I should clarify that since we married last year, he has encouraged me to buy an investment property of my own - like a small apartment that I can rent out or similar but, being freelance and having ridden such a rollercoaster of will-we-won't-we get pregnant for the last 2 years, I just a) haven't had the time or headspace to get that sorted and b) was concerned about taking on an investment which I may not have been able to pay for should I fall pregnant.
In answer to my financial vulnerability should he drop dead (yes, we have had that conversation), I asked for his permission to take out life insurance on him, which he agreed to. I haven't as yet, as I was hoping he might simply change his will now I'm pregnant and didn't want the extra expense, but at least this is one safeguard.
He has also, when recently pressed said that should anything happen to him, make sure the house is now divided among all 3 children and try to ensure that I can live in the house until they come if age. But I don't know if/when he will be making this change.
My most immediate concern is around work. He is self-employed so intends to reduce HIS hours to share the child care but, judging by how little he does to help around the house, I cannot see how much help he will actually be.
I can imagine him giving me the odd hour of peace in which to work (which I expect I will need just to sleep!) and I would prefer that, at least for the first few months, he lets me get on with looking after baby whilst he works and then, as baby gets a bit less dependent on me, he can start to share the caring.
I'm afraid he does come across as a but if a monster and I hope that he will surprise me by helping to cover day-to-dsy costs but he seems to think we can get all baby needs from charity shops, hand-me-down toys and that there's no need for the baby to be a big expense.
I am happy to have a second-hand pram and am already scouring sites for accessories etc. but I object to beinv made to feel unreasonable for wanting a few nice, new things. We're hardly poor - he's a solicitor and I'm on a decent income but he refuses to take on any debt whatsoever and finds my desire to get a few new things 'princessy'.

Some of you asked about my client. My client live me but I and my husband know that letting someone else take over full time us risky, do I do want to keep my hand in if at all possible. I have told them I will be happy to oversee someone for a couple of months - maybe with a weekly call, but tbh, I don't know if even that will be too much and I worry that by doing a dub-srandard job instead of taking a complete break and then returning is the best policy.
One reason for wanting to keep going us because I feel so financially vulnerable though. And I don't think that's fair.
I really am starting to wonder whether I would be best off completely on my own..

As others have said, do look into your entitlement to maternity allowance. Also child benefit?

Yes he is obliged to pay towards his new baby’s costs!

I freelanced before my first child and arranged temporary from another freelancer cover so I could take maternity leave. Could that be a possibility for you?

With regards to carrying on working straight after the birth, you don’t yet know how easy the birth will be and what recovery time you or the baby will need. If there is any complication recovery could involve lots of additional hospital/physio/doctor visits for either you or the baby or both. On top of that newborns are very demanding on your time and energy. I didn’t realise until my first was born just how demanding! Doctors expect you have all the time in the world to hang around in A and E or to do additional therapies/medications for you or your baby in the months after the birth. You could be very stressed and exhausted if trying to hold it all together whilst keeping your income up and clients happy and not having any support from your husband. You won’t be able to do much without childcare. If you rely on working whilst the baby sleeps you may find you don’t have a baby who sleeps much and never when you want them to! Furthermore, the sleeping time for me was when I caught up on all the other baby/house/admin chores.

His attitude is very worrying. Unfortunately I think you need to get some advice quick and prepare some contingency plans for how you will cope without him if you have to. Then try having a conversation with him to set your expectations for support, time off for maternity, etc and see where you get to.

If you don’t start addressing this now you will much more vulnerable/trapped/overwhelmed once the baby is born and you are trying to hold it all together unsupported by him.

Holy shit. He's put you in a position where the only way you can enforce your marital rights to shared assets is through divorce. Ironic understanding of marriage, huh?

The thing is, he did marry you. He didn't have to do that, not doing so would be more in keeping with an idea of keeping assets separate. He must have had some trust and intentions towards togetherness.

Your first step is to have a proper conversation with him, pointing out what marriage means and that (unless legally protected) all assets are shared - whatever fanciful notions he holds in his head. (Even his will only kicks in after death, not in divorce).

Then on to this being a child of this marriage, for whom he has equal responsibility - and love, surely? (It sounds very much like he thinks he's doing you a favour by 'letting' you have a child, of your own. Who paid for IVF?).

Then onto your expectations for the future, his responsibilities, what is reasonable, what isn't and how you want parenting to be shared.

Practically, you will receive child benefit. You should qualify for statutory maternity pay.

Realistically, based on freelancers I've known and the realities of childbirth, taking 3 months off seems tenable.

I was hoping things might change.

And they haven't, which is not a surprise really. If you knew it would be like this from the start you must have had some plan, OP? What was it?

What a horrible, horrible man.

Sorry OP, but he sounds selfish and pretty awful.

Yes, you would be better off completely on your own.

Financial abuse.

I can guess why his wife left him!!

You have put yourself in a terrible position financially, you live in a house that he’s leaving to his other children....did you sign anything?

You really need to think about yourself here. Full time job, when the baby is a few months old and start saving. Then leave.