DD is 18 months old. She is the second grandchild on DH's side.
I find DH's sister quite hard to handle,although she can be generous and kind, she is also very shouty and loud, likes to control/portray herself as the matriarch of the family, and consequently I prefer her in small doses. So I may be unreasonable.
SIL has, from the day DD was born, talked a lot about how she's going to have her at her house all the time. She used to try and lift her out of my arms, and say things like "you have her all the time, it's my go now" when DD was hours old. This rubbed me up the wrong way to begin with. She is also jealous that "we got the girl".
I had a very difficult birth and quite a long recovery, so I didn't really leave the house for three weeks, and when I did, DH took us out for a quick lunch in a restaurant and a trip round the shops. We stopped into pils enroute, SIL was there, and she became pushy about trying to get us to leave DD there, and for us to go on our own. I just found it really uncomfortable.
Now for the crux of the matter. DD is getting older, toddling around, and SIL has upped the comments about how she's going to have DD all to herself and let her eat all the sweets she wants. I've more or less told her no regarding the sweets - I am quite strict with DD's diet, but SIL will try and give her things which are choking hazards - her own son was allowed to eat bags of Chupa Chup lollies from ten months old.
Sil's son, DN, is four. He absolutely hates my DD, especially now she is mobile. I have physically had to prevent him getting at her at times. He has kicked out at her, pushed her, tried to slap her,screamed in her face, snatched toys from her. We have unfortunately had to cut down the amount of time we spend with DN, as although SIL does try to intervene, it takes the form of shouting DN's name from the sofa, not actually stopping the behaviour.
What I found particularly worrying was that DN on one occasion was particularly keen to get DD into a play tent which had a zip up door - he was very insistant that DD should come with him into the tent and that the door should be zipped right up. I was suspicious of this, given DN has lashed out at DD for merely walking past him, so I said no, but at one point I went out of the room, and when I came back moments later, SIL had the door zipped up. I looked through the little net window on the tent and DN had DD's arm in both his hands - obviously I shouted "no!" and pulled her out. I think everyone present thought I was overreacting. Obviously DN is just a little boy, but he's a big boy compared to DD and I don't think SIL or PILs quite grasp how much damage he could do.
As well as this, SIL smokes heavily- I have to bathe DD after visits as DD reeks of smoke just from SIL holding her, even if we are at our house or PILs (nonsmokers) SIL brought round a plastic baby toy of DN's and it was thick with nicotine grease.
DN also hasn't been in a car seat since he could pull himself up to stand, SIL thinks they are nonsense and she grew up alright without one etc. I have seen DN standing up on the back seat, hanging out the windows.
We would be mad to let her mind DD, wouldn't we? DH agrees, but we're now coming under pressure from other family members, as SIL has gone round complaining that we're trying to alienate ourselves, that we think we're too good for them,and that we are precious over DD. She has made a few comments to me directly that indicate that she thinks I'm over attached and paranoid about DD,and also that I'm bullying DH into doing things my way (this after DH stood up to her and told her not to swear when she spoke to DD)
The thing is, a lot of the older members of the family (whom I like and get on with) are either scared to disagree with SIL or don't get how things have changed regarding child safety, as they're unwilling to rock the boat, and are making lots of noises about "family" and how SIL loves DD, and how important it is for DD to spend time away from us. It's got to the point where we feel we can't even leave DD with PIL, or anyone else, so far we've just said we aren't leaving her with anybody except for obviously nursery when we go to work.
So AIBU? I don't think I am, but even the few friends I've spoken to think that although my worries are real, I should leave DD with SIL "because she is her aunt at the end of the day". They all seem to be more confident leaving their babies--overnights with granny at eight weeks old and the like- which would have made me sick with anxiety, so maybe it is me?