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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sharing a bed with ex?

93 replies

FakeTurtle · 03/11/2019 23:36

Baby is due to come home from hospital tomorrow and my ex (of 3 weeks) is determined to share the bed with because it's babies 1st night.
I don't want to take the experience away from him but I don't feel comfortable sharing a bed with him when we are split up. We are still living together at the moment but sperate rooms and I want to carry on with that.
My argument is that if we had been split up for longer he wouldn't be wanting to share a bed with his ex.
But I don't know if he is in the right ultimately.

OP posts:
DinoSn0re · 03/11/2019 23:38

Of course he’s not in the right and you’re entitled to some privacy.

Do you think he wants to get back together with you?

30to50FeralHogs · 03/11/2019 23:39

WTF?! Why does he need to be in your bed because its baby's first night? My ex and I don't even sleep in the same house - if he stays at my house with the DCs I will go elsewhere. TBH I wouldn't be bothered if he wanted to sleep downstairs on the sofa, but sharing the bed, no fucking way!

This is the start of your ex using your baby to manipulate you. Put your foot down and tell him its not happening. Do you have someone else who can be with you when the baby comes to make sure he doesn't railroad you into something you don't want?

30to50FeralHogs · 03/11/2019 23:40

If your ex wants to sleep in the same room as the baby and get up in the night to feed him or change him etc then by all means let him sleep in the room with the cot and you sleep in the other room to get a good nights sleep. However, you don't both need to be in the same room for him to be involved.

spanglydangly · 03/11/2019 23:41

No, just start as you mean to go on, it's a no.

Original poster
FakeTurtle · 03/11/2019 23:48

He most definitely still wants to get back together even though he makes bitchy comments about me all the time.
He doesn't listen to my reasoning on why I don't want to share the bed with him. He needs someone else like his mum or dad to tell him. He'll just shout at me and it's hard to put up with that all the time - just makes you give up.

OP posts:
dontgobaconmyheart · 04/11/2019 03:36

He can piss off is what he can do OP. I expect if you let him he'd just stay after that indefinitely and you'd be back to square one with breaking up. Obviously he has no right to share a bed with you anymore than he would a random stranger, you have broken up and he will have to accept that he will not be there with the baby 24/7. He doesn't need to listen to your reasoning Op, he just needs to realise he doesn't have your consent and it's final.

You must reassert the boundaries. He is abusive and a bully and this is another example of manipulation and bullying.

Can you not live apart? You don't want to stay living with this person surely?

Stompythedinosaur · 04/11/2019 03:41

He doesn't get to invite himself into the bed of any woman! He doesn't get to insist. Does he think that the birth of your baby means he has some sort of right over your body? It definitely doesn't.

Lana08 · 04/11/2019 03:59

My first thought was WTF. That’s just extremely weird OP. Why does he need to sleep in your bed has he said? I probably would have laughed in his face. You are not together for a reason. He doesn’t get to bully you into letting him in your bed.

I have a 2 year old and a 9 week old. If I asked my DH to sleep in the spare room for whatever reason(snoring comes to mind) he would. If his reasoning is he wants to experience night time with baby then let him take the baby one night and you get some rest. I bet he doesn’t take you up on that offer.

I agree with the others he is already using the baby to manipulate you and get his own way and he/she is not even here yet. Not the sign of a good father. Start putting boundaries in place and don’t let him bully you into anything.

Best of luck with Bub.

Lana08 · 04/11/2019 04:01

Sorry just seen baby is born already but still in hospital he still doesn’t get to bully you into sleeping in your bed.

NerdyCurvyInkedandPervy · 04/11/2019 04:07

Fuck NO.

Do you have to go back there with baby, OP? Do you have any relatives or friends you could stay with instead?

cheesydoesit · 04/11/2019 04:20

YANBU. I agree with everything said by PPs. Do you have any type of support network around you? If not, might it be worth speaking to a midwife and see if they will advocate for you in some way? Do not give in to him. He can get to fuck. Congratulations on your baby Flowers

justilou1 · 04/11/2019 04:23

He can fuck right off

Mintjulia · 04/11/2019 05:04

Wtf?

Op, you need to explain to him in big words , bright colours, that if he pushes it, you’ll take the baby and stay with a friend or your mum.

Does your room have a lock? In fact, I wouldn’t feel safe. Can you ask someone else to stay with you. One of you needs to leave.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/11/2019 05:11

This is the first 100% agreement with you op. I am here a lot.

Are you still both living in the same house? Personally I’d go and stay with my parents regardless for a few days to give yourself the space to create your boundaries. Being alone with no one to help you is tiring and I’m sure you don’t want him around constantly.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/11/2019 05:12

Sorry of course you said you’re living together. I’m in shock at his thought process.

sue51 · 04/11/2019 05:52

No. Its all kinds of wrong. Shocking that he thinks tis is normal.

Tink1990 · 04/11/2019 06:06

That's just ridiculous! YADNBU!

kristallen · 04/11/2019 06:17

He has no right whatsoever to be in your bed. I agree about going somewhere else or getting a lock. Besides if he's in your bed, he'll be sleeping, hopefully, and you won't be, definitely.

myhandsareverycold · 04/11/2019 06:28

What a nightmare for you. He's definitely being manipulative. One night will lead to another and you'll never get rid of him.

Say no. Get friends, relatives to tell him no. Start as you mean to go on.

Good luck with the baby, you shouldn't have this stress during what should be a special time.

wherestheotherone · 04/11/2019 06:35

Not a chance op. Tell him to jog on. If he wants to do the night feeds then the baby can sleep with him.

Namechangerextraordinaire1 · 04/11/2019 06:37

I echo PP's, if you don't stand firm from day one he will be pushing boundaries and demanding equally stupid things all the time.

Is the living together thing long term? Can you look into taking steps to move out? I know sometines finances just dont allow it, but you can't live together forever and based on him asking this and the fact he wants to get back together, I'd say trying to find a way out sooner rather than later is for the best.

Definitely don't let him sleep in your bed, that's ridiculous. You know him better than us, if you feel comfortable with him, the most I'd allow is one night he can sleep on the floor, but from what you've said about him the red flags are waving and I don't even think that's a good idea.

Stay strong for you and the baby, don't let him push you around

Original poster
FakeTurtle · 04/11/2019 06:39

Thanks everyone for the replies and confirming what I thought.
We shared a bed tonight in the hospital (rooming in service for parents who have had preterm/sick babies to stay with them overnight), mainly because I didn't have the energy to argue with him.
I didn't sleep at all because of how uncomfortable I felt. I'm just in two minds because I don't want to share a bed with him but I don't want to rob him of the experience of staying in the same room as his son.
I don't have anyone else to stay with and my room doesn't have a lock on it. I just don't know how to get the point across its not acceptable.

OP posts:
BarbaraStrozzi · 04/11/2019 06:45

Manipulative fucker. In fact I would say this is well over the line into abusive.

OP, either go to a friend's/relative's house or get a relative to come and stay with you.

This isn't just weird behaviour on his part, my instincts are this is the run up to dangerous behaviour on his part.

AmIThough · 04/11/2019 07:08

Staying in the same room as his son isn't an 'experience' other than the experience of waking up every 2 hours.

If you were still together he'd do it for 2 nights then tell you he can't cope and wants to sleep in the spare room.

Tell him there's no point you both being woken up every couple of hours through the night so at least if he gets a good night sleep he can help with DS in the daytime.

Good luck!

Oysterbabe · 04/11/2019 07:15

Yanbu. Tell him in no uncertain terms that it isn't happening then jam a chair under the door handle.