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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sharing a bed with ex?

93 replies

FakeTurtle · 03/11/2019 23:36

Baby is due to come home from hospital tomorrow and my ex (of 3 weeks) is determined to share the bed with because it's babies 1st night.
I don't want to take the experience away from him but I don't feel comfortable sharing a bed with him when we are split up. We are still living together at the moment but sperate rooms and I want to carry on with that.
My argument is that if we had been split up for longer he wouldn't be wanting to share a bed with his ex.
But I don't know if he is in the right ultimately.

OP posts:

justilou1 · 05/11/2019 08:23

Show the midwife this thread, sweetie.

Disfordarkchocolate · 05/11/2019 08:24

If you say to the midwife you need to speak to her privately she will not say no. Say you are concerned about your stitches, a discharge, how much you're bleeding if you need to.

PearlsBeforeWine · 05/11/2019 08:27

You're not robbing him... You're robbing yourself of privacy bonding and rest. Absolute No.

Mix56 · 05/11/2019 08:37

He has no right to physically stop you leaving, anymore than he can decide he is sleeping in your bed.
You don't want to live with him
He is controlling you
Too bad if he isn't having the "experience"
Does he gave a job?
You need to separate, can you get help from your Mum?

BarbaraStrozzi · 05/11/2019 09:01

Please show this thread to the midwife.

This man is seriously abusive.

Dyrne · 05/11/2019 12:21

Hi OP, I really hope you confide in your midwife. I know it’s a lot to take in but you are doing the best thing for your DC by protecting them from this man.

And please don’t see being referred to other services for support as a bad thing. Even Social Services prioritise keeping mum and baby together if at all possible and will be looking to support you to make sure this happens

Original poster

FakeTurtle · 05/11/2019 18:15

Late update. I spoke to the health visitor by myself and told her what's going on (I didn't say that I felt unsafe) and she agreed that I wasnt being unreasonable, that I actually sounded very sensible and logical.
She also said that if I want to leave with baby that he can't stop me but she is worried about the fact that I think he would try.
I don't know what to do about tonight because he wants to stay in the bed with baby because he is off tomorrow and me in the other room but I just don't want to be away from baby overnight 😕 (but I suppose thats how he has been feeling)

OP posts:

Dyrne · 05/11/2019 18:29

I am so glad you felt able to confide in your health visitor, OP. Even if you didn’t say everything, you’ve started that link so if you call needing more support they know you need it.

Stop thinking about what he wants in all of this - ultimately it needs to be about what’s best for the baby and having a stressed out, scared mum who isn’t allowed to even sleep next to the baby isn’t the best thing.

Please look into how you can safely leave this situation. Call the police if he tries to stop you.

You say you could move into your dad’s, could he come over to support you leaving?

Dyrne · 05/11/2019 18:32

Also, I meant to say - most courts recognise the need for baby to stay with its primary caregiver for the first months of life; so it’s very rare for the other parent to be awarded overnight custody this early on. You aren’t the anomaly for not wanting to spend time away from your baby, and you are perfectly justified in not letting him take the baby away from you overnight.

Mix56 · 05/11/2019 19:06

So, is he offering to wake with the baby , give bottle, change nappy & re settle baby, or is he just going to possibly wake & hand over to you ?
Ie. Is he really interested in his dc? Or is this a way of forcing himself on to you?

BarbaraStrozzi · 05/11/2019 21:10

You're being put through a hellish situation. And PP are right, there's no way a court would order a baby this young to be separated from his mother overnight.

Do you have no-one you could go to? You really need to be out of the house as soon as you can. Might be worth you starting a thread in the legal section on here to see if you'd still be financially liable for a joint tenancy if you had to flee the house because of domestic violence/coercive control (which is what this is).

TriciaH87 · 05/11/2019 21:57

I would be saying it's a firm no and if he doesn't respect your decision he packs his bags and goes. His using your child to get back in your bed literally. Set up a baby monitor. If the baby cries he can come in to pick up baby but that is it. He doesn't need to be in your bed to get up and take care of his child.

HuggedTrees · 05/11/2019 22:09

Lovely of course he can’t co-sleep in the bed with the baby! Co-sleeping has been shown to be safer with mothers, as you are awake and feeding and more responsive etc.
Please tomorrow just take what you can and go to your dads. He can’t stop your you aren’t denying him any experience, he lost that right when he started abusing you. If social services get involved that’s a good things as they will see yo are trying to protect the baby, if you don’t get help and stay that’s when they get involved in a negative way as you haven’t tried to protect them.

He lost any rights when he started abusing you, people split up all the time and live in different houses it’s just a fact of life.

80skid · 05/11/2019 22:12

You've had some brilliant advice on here. I hope you can see that this isn't part of a normal situation and that you and baby deserve to feel safe and relaxed while you recover from giving birth and bond with each other. His bullshit can wait. And wait. And wait until you are ready to deal with it as you feel fit.
Congratulations on your baby. Stay safe. There's lots of people who can and will help you. Accept the help and don't be embarrassed. This doesn't reflect on you other in a bad way - quote the opposite. This is a new mum putting her baby first and needing a bit of a hand. Take care xx

CravingCheese · 05/11/2019 22:21

Same room? Sure.
same bed? Why? You get to have privacy and have the right to decide who you share a bed with. Being a mother doesn't change anything about that. Not a single thing.

CravingCheese · 05/11/2019 22:25

And same room obviously also only if you were and felt safe!!

She also said that if I want to leave with baby that he can't stop me but she is worried about the fact that I think he would try.

Could you call the police for this? They accompany victims of abuse to retrieve their crucial belongings where I live... So.... Idk, worth a shot?

Could your parents come and get you?

Please take care.

30to50FeralHogs · 05/11/2019 22:29

he wants to stay in the bed with baby because he is off tomorrow and me in the other room but I just don't want to be away from baby overnight 😕 (but I suppose thats how he has been feeling)

No that’s not how he’s feeling. Your baby has been INSIDE you, you and the baby have an unbreakable bond and it needs to be near to you to survive.

Him wanting to share a bed to be near the baby (and no doubt near you too) is just selfish. And undoubtably a way to try it on with you. Your baby doesn’t NEED him close by. Yes, it’s a nicety for him to be there and to feed, change and cuddle the baby, but that should be done in a way that’s respectful of you and safe for your baby. Co-sleeping in your bed is neither of those things.

LurkingFather · 05/11/2019 22:32

The fact that you hide how afraid you are suggests you are not just abused, but also have become conditioned to accept it. Get your dad to extract you and baby and let him try out the courts to get access. If you were my daughter I would be over in a shot to get you out of that situation.

Given his nature his access to the child should be supervised in a contact centre. Certainly not alone with a recently discharged baby from SCABU.

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