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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sharing a bed with ex?

93 replies

FakeTurtle · 03/11/2019 23:36

Baby is due to come home from hospital tomorrow and my ex (of 3 weeks) is determined to share the bed with because it's babies 1st night.
I don't want to take the experience away from him but I don't feel comfortable sharing a bed with him when we are split up. We are still living together at the moment but sperate rooms and I want to carry on with that.
My argument is that if we had been split up for longer he wouldn't be wanting to share a bed with his ex.
But I don't know if he is in the right ultimately.

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 04/11/2019 07:21

You are not 'robbing him of an experience' he is bullying you. No father was less of a father because they didn't share the same room with his baby. He's more concerned with control than care. Fit a bolt to your door and plan how you stop living in the same house.

MyOtherProfile · 04/11/2019 07:25

He could sleep on the floor. But absolutely not in your bed.

Windygate · 04/11/2019 07:54

You could speak to someone at the hospital, they should be able to get you some support. You sound frightened.

Derbee · 04/11/2019 07:55

This isn't just weird behaviour on his part, my instincts are this is the run up to dangerous behaviour on his part

Agree OP. This is abusive and controlling already, and will only get worse. You need to say no. If you can’t move out, you need to go to the other room.

SouthernComforts · 04/11/2019 08:00

Speak to the nurses/midwives. There will be a manager/sister (can't remember the current terms) who will help you if you aren't feeling strong enough to tell him to fuck off yet. You don't need this shit in your situation!

BarbaraStrozzi · 04/11/2019 12:29

@FakeTurtle how's it going? Have you and your baby been discharged? I'm worried about the situation you're going home to.

CakeAndCustardPlease · 04/11/2019 12:33

He can do the first night with baby on his own if he’s that bothered. Enjoy the rest OP! Two night wakings in and he’ll probably happily fuck off to the spare room anyway! No way in hell does he get to manipulate you back into bed with him.

InsertFunnyUsername · 04/11/2019 12:39

YANBU. Ask him why he would want to make a woman, who has given birth feel so uncomfortable. Is there a blow up bed he could sleep on? Not that I would even offer that mind but I can understand why you're in a difficult position.

One thing is clear though he is a manipulative bastard.

Stompythedinosaur · 04/11/2019 12:57

I don't want to rob him of the experience of staying in the same room as his son.

He can have this experience when his son is old enough to be away from you and he is doing his share of the night waking.

Stating in the dame room as a newborn is not an experience that dads who are separated get to have.

JasonPollack · 04/11/2019 13:51

Can you take baby and go and stay elsewhere? I feel like it would be good for your head to get away from him for a bit. He is bullying you and trying to wear you down.

Original poster
FakeTurtle · 04/11/2019 13:57

Baby isn't being discharged today because no one knew he was supposed to. Which is really disappointing, he's been here for over a month already.
Me and him have had major arguments, he thinks that I'm putting what I want first and I should be getting over what makes me uncomfortable.

OP posts:
JasonPollack · 04/11/2019 13:59

You should put what you want first! That's exactly what he is doing! Everyone should be able to advocate for their own wants. You don't want to be with him. That is your absolute right. What he wants does not get to override what you want.

HuggedTrees · 04/11/2019 14:03

Please speak to the nurses in the ward in SCBU and tell them what you posted, that he stayed in your room and you couldn’t sleep as you were too uncomfortable and can’t say no.
He is talking bollocks about the experience. Please get a relative to stay in the sofa, put a lock on your bedroom door or stay with a relative. He is manipulating you and abusing you trying to get you to take him back. Please don’t let him.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/11/2019 14:09

You really need to start working towards getting out of the same house, it doesn't sound very healthy how he's behaving

AmIThough · 04/11/2019 14:11

he thinks that I'm putting what I want first and I should be getting over what makes me uncomfortable.

Maybe you should remind him you've carried a baby for 9 months then birthed him and maybe it's your turn to worry about yourself ffs

HJWT · 04/11/2019 14:20

@FakeTurtle tell him to sleep on the floor if he is so desperate !

GingersAreLush · 04/11/2019 14:26

He’s a nasty manipulative bully and he doesn’t get to insist on sharing a bed with anyone. I’ve been in a relationship with someone like that before and they don’t listen to reason ever- you have to shut them down every single time without exception. Will you have to live with him much longer?

IamWaggingBrenda · 04/11/2019 14:40

He wants to get back together? So he’s using “baby’s first night home” as a way to sneak back into your bed. Creepy, and why don’t you find somewhere else to stay? Parents nearby? And make permanent arrangements to leave.

Mix56 · 04/11/2019 14:54

How old is this idiot ? You will both need as much sleep as you can get ,Baby needs space, you need to be comfortable. esp if your are BF,
don't even tell him he can move his mattress on to the floor, it will set up an arrangement.

Original poster
FakeTurtle · 04/11/2019 15:16

The nurses heard us arguing and it's now been referred to the safeguarding team... I'm really embarrassed.
I didn't go into too much detail when I spoke to the nurse just said we aren't together but we don't communicate effectively. We argued around baby too, I'm scared that they won't discharge us now because they think baby is going to come to an unsafe home. I really feel like shit.
I asked the nurse to speak to him as well because I know he will be embarrassed and hopefully that will make him act more normal.
I'm so upset... Today has been so difficult and I feel like a shit mum for arguing around baby.

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 04/11/2019 15:18

Try not to get upset. He has been bullying and intimidating you so it may mean you actually get some support.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 04/11/2019 15:20

You didn't set out to have a row. He is proposing a ridiculous thing and you're standing your ground.

Hopefully the hospital staff are asking for support for you and your baby.
It's a good thing.

Just try not to excuse his behaviour.

Windygate · 04/11/2019 15:27

It's good that the nurse witnessed the argument. Now work with them and keep you and your baby safe.

holrosea · 04/11/2019 15:27

You are not a shit mum - you are a dedicated mum clearly caring for a preterm or sick baby and arguing with your ex is perfectly reasonable because he is being a manipulative twat.

Also, just for a moment consider how you'd react to any other ex (or man you do not feel comfortable with) trying to wheedle his way into your bed (regardless of baby).

Be honest with the nurses, they are there to help you. Being referred to a safeguarding team is not embarrassing, in your situation it sounds necessary. Tell them that you have split (and why, if there is any abusive or controlling behaviour). Tell them about his completely unreasonable demand to get back into bed with you, despite you being painfully uncomfortable. They will have helped all sorts of women in all sorts of situations.

This is your first step in protecting your new baby from a manipulative arse.

Runnerduck34 · 04/11/2019 15:31

Yanbu,there's no way you should be sharing a bed and it sounds like he is emotionally blackmailing you .I'm so sorry you are going through such a difficult time,do you have family who can support you? It's sounds like you need separate accomdation asap, is the house jointly owned ? It may not feel.like it right now but the nurses overhearing the row may.mean they can get you access to help and support. You are a great mum, your emotions must be all over the place, sending you a virtual.hug