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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sharing a bed with ex?

93 replies

FakeTurtle · 03/11/2019 23:36

Baby is due to come home from hospital tomorrow and my ex (of 3 weeks) is determined to share the bed with because it's babies 1st night.
I don't want to take the experience away from him but I don't feel comfortable sharing a bed with him when we are split up. We are still living together at the moment but sperate rooms and I want to carry on with that.
My argument is that if we had been split up for longer he wouldn't be wanting to share a bed with his ex.
But I don't know if he is in the right ultimately.

OP posts:

Thisshallpasstoo · 04/11/2019 15:46

Safeguarding team is there to safeguard baby+you from him. He is manipulative. Everyone will see that.

BarbaraStrozzi · 04/11/2019 15:56

Another vote for being absolutely honest with the midwives and nursing staff (and safeguarding team). They can help you - keep you and your baby in hospital until it's safe to leave, help you be discharged somewhere safe.

Because reading between the lines, everything you say about your ex makes me more convinced he's abusive and a danger to you. (I think he's done such a number on you that you're in denial about how seriously wrong his behaviour is.)

Butchyrestingface · 04/11/2019 16:00

Tell him to get tae fuck. He wants you back, he has no boundaries or respect for your wishes - what do you think will happen next when you let him back in your bed?

HuggedTrees · 04/11/2019 16:00

Please don’t be embarrassed. Please ask the nurse to speak to them. Tell them you have split up and he is insisting on sleeping in your bed and you can’t stop him and need help to get him out and you feel unsafe. Don’t apologise for him or get them to explain to him, you are the victim in this not him

BarbaraStrozzi · 04/11/2019 16:06

If you find it awkward to talk to the nurses you could just show them this thread.

WineIsMyMainVice · 04/11/2019 16:08

Sorry I just voted with the wrong button! Of course he is the one bu.

GinNotGym19 · 04/11/2019 16:17

Speak to the nurses and the safeguarding team on your own. He’s preying on your whilst you’re vulnerable.
He shouldn’t be forcing himself to share a bed with you whilst you’re recovering.
You’re not a shit mum for arguing around the baby he’s the one that’s being a shit causing arguments around the baby.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/11/2019 16:22

You are NOT a shit mum.
Stop listening to his bullshit.
You do not have a share a bed with anybody you don't want to.
Especially and Ex.
He sounds awful and controlling.
Don't argue.
It's just a straight up NOPE!
And repeat and repeat and repeat.
Don't raise your voice. Calm and assure - NO!!!
As they say on here - NO is a complete sentence.
I really hope the safeguarding team can help you.
Tell them everything.

justilou1 · 05/11/2019 01:05

I am so pleased that this has gone to safeguarding. You need them. Please be honest about your situation. They might help you get rid of this controlling man faster!!!

myhandsareverycold · 05/11/2019 07:02

No need to feel embarrassed that it's been referred to safeguarding. The clue is in the name. They will help. Good luck.

Original poster

FakeTurtle · 05/11/2019 07:09

We are home now - the mix up at the hospital was resolved and baby was discharged late yesterday.
He eventually agreed to not stay in the bed. Twice last night he came in to basically verbally abuse me and he's just done the same thing now. Saying I'm stealing the 1st night away from him. I don't know what to do, it's upsetting and honestly it's unbearable. He's making me feel like one day he's just going to kidnap baby away from me. I can't stay here anymore but I literally don't think he will let me take baby to my dads.

OP posts:

MyOtherProfile · 05/11/2019 07:09

Hope you're ok OP. Did the staff understand that he is tryouts Ng to make you share a bed with him? I hope so and that they were able to put him straight on that.

DinoSn0re · 05/11/2019 07:15

Who owns/rents the house OP, is his name on those documents?

If you have a safe place to go, like your dad’s, I would start planning to go there. Your ex will have to leave the house at some point and I would seize the opportunity to leave. Try and pack some stuff in advance if you know when he’ll be going out.

Disfordarkchocolate · 05/11/2019 07:18

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You need some formal support. Please speak to your midwife, they will be able to help. Women's Aid and your family too, and don't forget all us Mumsnetters standing behind you.

Dyrne · 05/11/2019 07:19

Please call women’s aid when you can for advice. They will guide you through what you need to do to escape.

What do you mean by he won’t “let you”? Are you safe?

Does he work? Will he leave the house at some point? Try to start getting a little bag together of important documents, passport, birth certificate etc.

Did the nurses and midwives offer you any advice or support following the referral to safeguarding? Please confide in your health visitor.

It is not your fault however you need to leave this abusive situation as soon as you can.

Original poster

FakeTurtle · 05/11/2019 07:38

We are both on the tenancy. He told the nurses he has anxiety so that's why we were shouting - everytime he's horrible to me and I say he is, he's saying it's because of anxiety.
I don't feel the situation is abusive, he wouldn't hurt me. But he would physically block me from leaving with baby which I understand because I wouldn't want him to leave with baby either. It's hard because he's the father, he's on the birth certificate and I feel like he should be around baby. I have the community midwife coming today and I'll try to tell her but I'm scared if I say I don't feel safe she'll get social services involved.

OP posts:

MyOtherProfile · 05/11/2019 07:44

Please do tell her you don't feel safe. You really need help.

Disfordarkchocolate · 05/11/2019 07:47

It me this is very clearly abusive. Abuse doesn't just mean violence, in fact in rarely starts with violence. Abuse usually starts with control and intimidation, he's doing this already. Be open with the midwife about what he does, they will recognize abuse.

kristallen · 05/11/2019 07:50

Tell her the truth. Tell her he's been verbally abusing you. Tell her he would physically block you from leaving the house.

Show her this thread if that's easier. Or screenshot your posts if you want.

Your baby needs you to feel safe and relaxed. He is robbing your baby of this. It's not fair, nor how it should be for a new mother, but you need to speak up so your baby has a chance at a safe, secure start. If you don't tell her, there's an absolute guarantee that nothing will change. FWIW I'm not sure SS would get involved right now but even if they did, they wouldn't be taking your baby away.

hellsbellsmelons · 05/11/2019 07:55

I don't feel the situation is abusive, he wouldn't hurt me. But he would physically block me from leaving with baby
THAT right there is abusive OP.
You are minimising because this is now your normal.
Tell the midwife everything.
It might do you well to get SS involved.
Call Womens Aid today as well and get some advice from them.
If you can then leave with baby and go to your dads.
Please keep yourself safe and ensure that your baby does not grow up in an environment where there is abuse.
This is NOT anxiety.
It's abuse!
Get yourself safe asap!

angieloumc · 05/11/2019 07:58

He is abusive OP, as pp said abuse isn't always violence.
If you can, and if you feel safe enough to, please tell
The midwife what you have written here. She won't judge you, your baby will not be taken away and ultimately you will
BOTH be safe.

everythingthelighttouches · 05/11/2019 08:07

OP have you told the midwives or doctors that he is your ex?
That you want to leave him?

Please tell the visiting midwife today.

Say “ I want to leave. He won’t let me.”

Tell her he wants to share your bed even though you’ve split up and he kept coming in and yelling at you last night

meow1989 · 05/11/2019 08:08

So he's upset that you're "spoiling" his first night but has no issue with making you feel upset and uncomfortable? I know you said he isnt abusive but they way he is acting is emotionally abusive.

You are vulnerable as a new mum who has had a child in hospital and dealt with a break up, please try to talk to your midwife or/and womens aid. His rights as a father dont trump your rights as a human being.

You've written that you are worried about safeguarding involvement - if this were to happen it would be to support you and baby to be safe from distress or harm.

Original poster

FakeTurtle · 05/11/2019 08:16

I have previously tried to tell the community midwife 2 weeks ago about issues in my relationship when he was calling me a bad mum and she just dismissed it.
He agreed himself about 3 weeks ago that he has control issues that he has put on me and he said that he would change. Because I've not immediately gone back to him I feel like he's pulling a tantrum and trying to use baby as a tool to make me feel guilty. All I think about is baby, it would be so much easier to give in but I know that's putting baby in an unhealthy environment. He's majorly getting to me at the moment and making the whole situation unbearable. I'm going to try and find our tenancey agreement today and see if there is a way to end it early and make a decision on that. I wanted to co-parent for the 1st month in the same house because I didn't want to take the newborn experience away from him but the way he is acting and treating me he's forcing me to move out earlier than I wanted to. He just makes me feel so heartless and like a terrible mum for taking baby away from his dad.

OP posts:

MyOtherProfile · 05/11/2019 08:20

Can you text your mw ahead of the appt and say that you are really worried about your home situation and need help getting out of it, so that she knows to take it seriously? And if she still doesn't she then needs reporting!

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