AIBU...DP wanking in bed with me?!

[towankornottowank]

Genuinely unsure whether I ABU or not?

DP openly masturbates, as do I. I have no problem with it. He might have one in the sitting room after I've gone to bed. Or in the shower etc.

I woke up to DP wanking in bed a couple of years ago. I can't explain why but it made me feel weird and I told him not to do it.

So roll on, one night last week, woke to a familiar bump in the bed, Low and behold, he's jerking off again while I sleep, not over me physically or anything just in his own world!

I can't explain it as I'm not jealous, I don't feel left out. It makes me feel violated. Dp has promised he won't do it again but doesn't understand why I'm so offended by it.

He feels if it was the other way around he would just join in! What are your thoughts?

My thoughts are you should maybe ask for this to be moved to the sex topic.....

I totally agree with you, I have no problem at all with dh doing it either but not beside me when I'm asleep, definitely not

@spanglydangly Why should it be moved to the sex topic? This post does not relate to sex, it relates to boundaries within the relationship and inappropriate sexual behaviour. Would you ask for a post about flashers or rape to be moved to the sex section?

I’m, I don’t think it would bother me personally. I wouldn’t expect DP to get up and out of bed if I had fallen asleep and he couldn’t manage to, or the mood struck, and he wouldn’t me either. But opinion will vary an awful lot on this I think!

Not in a goady way, why exactly do you feel violated? If you fancied a wank in the middle of the night would you get up and move rooms, honestly? Or just assume he’d sleep through? I sort of get it but also think you’re being a little unreasonable. It’s his bed too

Posted too soon, but meant to add I think this is more about the fact you’ve asked him not to do it and he still does, OP. What was his explanation when you raised that he’d previously agreed not to do so?

@QueenofPain she'll get more measured responses in the sex topics ..... have you been in AIBU long?

It'll be LTB, this is abuse, he's vile.

People on AIBU often seem to only have right or wrong and men are 99.9% in the wrong especially when it comes to any type of sexual activity. They shouldn't want, desire or like sex.

Maybe I'm wrong, I hope so!

I want to be ok with it, I'm very easy going. He has a big sex drive and I understand he needs to let off steam!

I think it's the shaking of the bed and me lying there confused when I first wake.

He didn't really have an explanation, just said he woke horny and he's sorry. Hopefully he won't do it again, but I think I've made him feel like a sex pest.

It's his bed too, not sure it's fair to dictate. Personally it wouldn't bother me in the slightest but if you feel it oversteps boundaries then that is what you feel and there's nothing wrong with that, it just is not something I would find unreasonable.

He needs to be more discreet! Making the bed shake and waking you up is not ok.

TBH my ex used to do this. I found it unpleasant & seamy, the fact that he did it right there while I i was sleeping. It was part of a whole pattern of behaviour, though, hence he's an ex.

If it's just that it physically wakes you & you'd rather he didn't, tell him. Ask him to be more considerate, i.e. go to the bathroom or something next time as you need your sleep, please!

I'd be more bothered that it woke me up 😂 but no seriously, you don't have to justify why it's made you uncomfortable, it just has and out of respect for you he shouldn't do it! Similarly if you were doing something that was making him uncomfortable and he raised it you would stop! And if he's that desperate then yes he'll go into a different room

Op I 100% get you.

On the most basic level he is disturbing you out of sleep in the middle of the night. That’s not ever ok if it’s for something avoidable.

Depending on your dynamic tho there are other ways you could interpret it or be made to feel by it. Some people would feel pressured by it, “see what I have to do because you won’t put out enough?”. Some people might feel that a mutual wank is consensual but a wank next to someone who is sleeping is not. Some people might feel like it’s an optimistic effort to make you wake up and join in. Or maybe it feels like a guilt trip?

In our house I’m the middle of the night, high sex drive, can’t sleep wanker.
I would never ever consider doing it next to my sleeping husband, it’s just fucking rude!

I go in the spare room and do whatever I like knowing my DH can sleep uninterrupted 👍

I have done this before

I think this is individual to each person, as to how you would feel. I wouldn’t be bothered at all, relieved I could role over and go back to sleep!

But me and dp came home from the gym today, both showered, and I was led on top of a towel waiting for moisturiser to soak in before dressing, and dp was putting clothes away etc. I started playing, and he just laughed, then finished me off 🤷🏻‍♀️. If he woke in bed to me doing it, he’d probably join in (it’s never happened as a) I’m always asleep first, and b) once I’m asleep I’m gone for the night).

However, I can understand you being upset because you’ve told him you don’t like it, and yet he continued. That’s more about not respecting your feelings, rather than the wanking issue. He’s also not respected your boundaries and it hurts you, which is totally understandable.

You wank. He wanks. Nothing to see here.

Granted I'm a bit more.. erm not embarrassed exactly but wouldn't want him to overtly know, but seriously there's no issue here at all.

I would be surprised if steam came out of it.

It’s the being woken up part that would annoy me.

It’s not like he started doing it as you were dropping off or reading a book. You were asleep, how was he supposed to know that you would wake up? If he woke you up to say that he was horny and asked if you wanted a shag you may have a point! Although some women wouldn’t mind that. I would be right pissed off at being woken up!

I don’t see why he should have to go to the bathroom or somewhere. It’s not like he wants a shit with you next to him.

Other than that, it’s a good way to help you get to sleep if you’re finding it hard to switch off.

Wouldn’t bother me in the slightest

YANBU op. I had to tell my DH to stop this early on in our relationship because the shaking of the bed wakes me up. He likes to use it to get to sleep when he wakes up but it was disrupting my sleep and he gets that so doesn't do it now. I don't have any objection to him wanking beyond the fact that I don't want to be disturbed in the night!

I got woken up like this a few months ago. The shaking in the bed and the heavy breathing - it could have only been one thing. So I stayed deadly still, waited a moment and announced, in a loud and clear voice - 'Ann Widdecombe'.

Now he sneaks out to the bathroom. Don't get me wrong, he can pull his plonker as much as he likes, I don't mind but like others here, I can't be doing with being woken up!

I'm really starting to see it in a different light after reading replies. I thought of it as seedy and pervy before.

I will ask him to keep it to another room. I feel bad as I told him t makes me sick tonight and I don't want him to feel bad about it