AIBU...DP wanking in bed with me?!

[towankornottowank]

Genuinely unsure whether I ABU or not?

DP openly masturbates, as do I. I have no problem with it. He might have one in the sitting room after I've gone to bed. Or in the shower etc.

I woke up to DP wanking in bed a couple of years ago. I can't explain why but it made me feel weird and I told him not to do it.

So roll on, one night last week, woke to a familiar bump in the bed, Low and behold, he's jerking off again while I sleep, not over me physically or anything just in his own world!

I can't explain it as I'm not jealous, I don't feel left out. It makes me feel violated. Dp has promised he won't do it again but doesn't understand why I'm so offended by it.

He feels if it was the other way around he would just join in! What are your thoughts?

work= woke

I don't see any problem with it. I wouldn't like the shaking, noise, and waking me up though. Tell him to wank but please wank quietly.

DP openly masturbates, as do I. I have no problem with it

It's hard to understand why you would say this, then say that you feel "violated" when he wanks in bed while you are asleep. Either you have a problem with it or you don't. Surely you can just say " can you do that somewhere else" if you don't like it.

The OP clearly does have a problem with it.

She knows he wanks but is only happy if it's out of sight (and out of mind presumably.)

Playing devil's advocate OP your DH has every right to wank in the comfort of his own bed. He doesn't have a right to wake you up though.

You've got a bit of sloppy thinking going on. Be honest with yourself.

Op you are not being unreasonable. Just because I or other posters wouldn’t mind YOU do, and that’s what matters. These are your boundaries and if you want to keep them that’s the only thing that matters here.

I’ve perfected a technique of stimulating my bell end to a climax that doesn’t rock the bed. TBH DW doesn’t mind me wanking while she’s asleep or in front of her or in private and the pile of tissues on the floor gives the game away so she knows if I have taken care of the nighttime boner without waking her.

You were asleep. Imo your need to be /stay asleep trumps his need to wank...
He should have gone to another room.

I totally understand and I don’t think you are being unreasonable. It’s disrespectful, not just the act but the fact that he knows you have an issue with it and he is still upsetting you. Tell him he needs to go to the bathroom next time he has the urge!

What was his explanation when you raised that he’d previously agreed not to do so?

OP said she asked a couple of years ago. The ‘explanation’ is probably that there have been one or two more consequential events in his life since then that have pushed this from the forefront of his mind.

OP - if you’d fallen asleep on the bus and the passenger in the next seat and started at it, I’d say yes, you should feel violated. Your own husband in his own bed? Not quite the same. I’d be more concerned that he does it in the sitting room. I hope you have machine washable soft furnishings.

I totally understand and I don’t think you are being unreasonable. It’s disrespectful, not just the act but the fact that he knows you have an issue with it and he is still upsetting you. Tell him he needs to go to the bathroom next time he has the urge!

Oh dear.

Masturbating (the 'act') is 'disrespectful' - to whom and since when?

Talk about shaming sex and self love!

Why does the OP's wishes trounce her DHs?
Why does he have to slink off to the bathroom ?

Ok she may have said 2 years ago she didn't 'like it' but she is happy for him to do it in the living room or the bathroom.

In other words anywhere she isn't aware of it.

It would make me feel weird too and I’d also feel weird starting to wank with DH sleeping beside me. Masturbation is often an incredibly personal thing, it’s not generally something people start doing with someone else right beside them.

Masturbation is often an incredibly personal thing, it’s not generally something people start doing with someone else right beside them.

IN YOUR OWN EXPERIENCE.

How would you know otherwise? Do you ask friends and colleagues?

I would be pretty peeved if dh was horny and didn't wake me. Would rather be woken to participate than woken as a bystander - or bylier(?)

I know my post is hypocritical. What I meant was I am aware he wanks when I go to bed, I don't mind that. I always felt that it was a personal thing and it felt seedy waking up to the movement and heavy breathing.

I've really thought about it. I honestly thought all of you would tell me he's disgusting as none of my friends partners openly wank never mind do it beside their wives while they slept!

I texted dp apologizing profusely for making him feel bad. I said i would prefer if he didn't do it while I'm asleep beside him, which he has agreed not to. All this talk of masturbation had us both aroused and he snuck back for a cheeky ride after kids went to school. All is well with us again.

YANBU. He should get off the bed, and glad he has seen your point of view on this.

I thought I was unlucky because DH cannot keep his God damned pointy elbows and knees still while I am trying to beat my insomnia into submission.
If I had heavy breathing, bed shaking and soggy knob dodging to contend with on top, I'd bloody well stifle him to death with his own boxers.

I think it's a matter of consent, if you're asleep you don't have a say in what's happening. You can be as open-minded and sexually liberated as anything but consent is always important. YANBU to feel violated and to ask him to do it elsewhere even if you're perfectly happy that he does it.

It wouldn't bother me, but I can understand why it would make someone uncomfortable. Maybe to do with not being conscious at the time and therefore not being aware of what's going on to be able to consent to anything?

At the end of the day he's just having a wank in his bed, but in my opinion if at any point a partner says "I'm not comfortable with this" then time to stop doing it. He is very unreasonable to carry on. He's allowed to have a wank but do it in a place that does not make you feel uncomfortable.

I wouldn't like it OP. Yes it's both your bed, but not whole your sleeping like that

While

It’s his bed too and provided he isn’t trying to involve you while you are sleeping he’s entitled to a wank.

It is absolutely grim.

Of course you shouldn’t have to be ok with it. He can quite easily take himself off to do it in private. Honestly why do people put up with this nonsense?

As for the ‘it’s entirely natural, leave him to it’ brigade, as is having a shit but I wouldn’t be keen on my DH leaving a log on my pillow.

Issues.

You are being silly @NormaBean. Having a poo is not the same as having a wank.

Clearly you think semen is nasty stuff and sex is 'dirty'.

I think it’s disrespectful to engage in a solo sex act beside someone when you know they don’t want you to.