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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU...DP wanking in bed with me?!

133 replies

towankornottowank · 03/11/2019 23:26

Genuinely unsure whether I ABU or not?

DP openly masturbates, as do I. I have no problem with it. He might have one in the sitting room after I've gone to bed. Or in the shower etc.

I woke up to DP wanking in bed a couple of years ago. I can't explain why but it made me feel weird and I told him not to do it.

So roll on, one night last week, woke to a familiar bump in the bed, Low and behold, he's jerking off again while I sleep, not over me physically or anything just in his own world!

I can't explain it as I'm not jealous, I don't feel left out. It makes me feel violated. Dp has promised he won't do it again but doesn't understand why I'm so offended by it.

He feels if it was the other way around he would just join in! What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
towankornottowank · 04/11/2019 22:47

He could have done it 100s of times and got away with it!

I know I don't come across this way but I'm very open sexually, in general.

As I said it just felt wrong waking up to the noises and the vibrations! Anyway, it's sorted now and I'm relieved it's normal :)

OP posts:
ashtrayheart · 04/11/2019 22:49

Why wouldn’t you need consent to perform a sex act right next to someone? You wouldn’t do it on a train, would you? Just because someone shares a bed with you it doesn’t mean it’s fine to masturbate next to them

what a ridiculous thing to say. I don't lie there naked on a train either, although you probably think that needs consent too Hmm

TWD89 · 04/11/2019 23:31

@itsbetterthanabox

Agree completely, it does feel disrespectful.

I’m amazed tbh that anyone would be ok with this. It’s really, really fucking weird.

Do it in private ffs.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/11/2019 23:44

It’s not weird to want to have an occasional wank to help you drop off to sleep in the comfort of your own bed. Jesus, if I had to wait until I was totally alone I would have to do it on the toilet...

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/11/2019 23:51

Maybe some couples would be happier with separate bedrooms. Your bedroom should be the place where you feel most relaxed and calm. It’s generally somewhere where no other adults apart from your partner ever goes, and in most houses even the children learn to knock before entering. The thought that a child might walk in on their parent having a wank in the living room or a MIL may find a crusty tissue fallen down the side of her seat, just doesn’t bear thinking about!

A bedroom equals a single person’s sanctuary and private space, and the same should go for couples’ bedrooms. If you don’t agree, get your own bedroom and wank away to your heart’s content.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 05/11/2019 00:01

Why wouldn’t you need consent to perform a sex act right next to someone? You wouldn’t do it on a train, would you? Just because someone shares a bed with you it doesn’t mean it’s fine to masturbate next to them

Absolutely ridiculous analogy

Talkingmouse · 05/11/2019 00:01

This sounds like pretty normal behaviour tbh 🤷‍♂️

StarlightLady · 05/11/2019 00:32

It’s not just a male thing.

I have an early start tomorrow and went to bed early. Couldn’t sleep and did exactly this with someone sleeping beside me; he didn’t wake. Shock, horror, woman enjoys her own body and didn’t get up to do so.

It often helps me get to sleep but sadly, it didn’t work tonight, so have now got up for a drink and a wee.

There is no way that what l do in my own bed (even if I am sharing it) equates to what l would do on a train. That’s silly.

ViciousJackdaw · 05/11/2019 01:15

@towankornottowank I'm really glad to hear you got it sorted out and in the best way possible too Wink

churchandstate · 05/11/2019 01:42

ThatssomebadhatHarry

I don’t even think it counts as an analogy, it’s that comparable - it’s literally doing a sex act, next to another person. What’s the difference to you?

churchandstate · 05/11/2019 01:43

There is no way that what l do in my own bed (even if I am sharing it) equates to what l would do on a train. That’s silly.

The train is incidental. The point is that you are beside another person. So what you seem to think is irrelevant - the other person.

churchandstate · 05/11/2019 01:45

what a ridiculous thing to say. I don't lie there naked on a train either, although you probably think that needs consent too hmm

I don’t believe that does need consent, but that isn’t a sex act. It’s just being naked, and there are laws about doing that in public that don’t apply in private.

churchandstate · 05/11/2019 01:47

That’s hilarious that you’re comparing a man wanking in his own bed next to his wife/girlfriend to a man just going at it on a train 😂 so many sexually repressed people on this website,

This has nothing to do with repression. By all means, masturbate as often as you like. But as soon as you think it is your right to masturbate in front of whoever you like otherwise they are “repressed”, you’re getting very confused.

siacolouredthesmallone · 05/11/2019 02:20

Yikes....I feel really bad as I've re-read the OP's original post and she says she does feel violated....not sure why I read that she didn't. So yeah, I'm really sorry for that, OP. I still personally wouldn't have a problem with it, but if you do feel violated, then as I said that is something that a loving partner would go out of their way not to make you feel. But also read your most recent update OP and it sounds like you've resolved it between you anyway Smile.

TheMagpie · 05/11/2019 04:33

It's his bed too, YABU.

ashtrayheart · 05/11/2019 07:42

This has nothing to do with repression. By all means, masturbate as often as you like. But as soon as you think it is your right to masturbate in front of whoever you like otherwise they are “repressed”, you’re getting very confused.

So by that reasoning @churchandstate do you think that a woman needs to gain a man's permission to touch her own body intimately just because she is sharing a bed?

AllStarBySmashMouth · 05/11/2019 07:50

It wouldn't bother me in itself, but if it's waking you up I would be annoyed. I'm always annoyed at being woken up for no good reason.

churchandstate · 05/11/2019 08:02

So by that reasoning @churchandstate do you think that a woman needs to gain a man's permission to touch her own body intimately just because she is sharing a bed?

I don’t understand. Aren’t you just asking me what I have already answered? I don’t think it’s okay to perform a sex act next to someone in bed if they are not okay with it. Why would it matter whether it was a man or a woman doing that?

honeyloops · 05/11/2019 08:09

The wanking wouldn't bother me (I've done it many a time when he was asleep), but being woken up makes me grumpy so I'd maybe ask him to go elsewhere if it was a weeknight or keep noise/movement to a minimum! Having said that I'm a deep sleeper, so OH would be able to tell if he was waking me up.

StreetwiseHercules · 05/11/2019 08:35

“ But as soon as you think it is your right to masturbate in front of whoever you like otherwise they are “repressed”, you’re getting very confused.”

When you are in a relationship you are likely to have e been as intimate as you can be with that person. You will have masturbated together, in front of each other, and masturbated each other, countless times. This is what humans do. There should be trust and intimacy between you. The idea that someone in that kind of relationship can’t wank in their own bed when the other is asleep is not only repressed, it is pathetic.

Some people really need to grow up, or avoid adult relationships.

churchandstate · 05/11/2019 08:52

StreetwiseHercules

How very narrow minded. “This is what humans do.” No, it is what YOU do, and those you have been intimate with. Speak for yourself. Calling others “pathetic” because they don’t concur with you on every aspect of human relationships is well...pathetic.

churchandstate · 05/11/2019 09:01

And I would add, forcing someone else to witness your masturbation (or leave) under the guise of “intimacy” is disingenuous, gaslighting crap. Intimacy involves mutual respect and knowing each other well enough not to overstep boundaries, rather than not having any. If someone feels violated by someone else’s sexual preferences being visited on them whether they like it or not, how does this promote intimacy? You are basically telling them, “I want to do this and I don’t give a shit about you.” Not very intimate in relationships I have enjoyed. Hmm

StreetwiseHercules · 05/11/2019 09:08

Everything’s “gaslighting” on this website.

churchandstate · 05/11/2019 09:18

StreetwiseHercules

This is the very definition: allow me to override your feelings, or you are repressed and you don’t love me. Waaaaa! Some people need to grow up and think of someone other than themselves.

StreetwiseHercules · 05/11/2019 11:28

When someone else’s feelings are silly, they matter less. There is too much in the way of pandering to feelings in all kinds of relationship dynamics. People should accept others for who they are, or, alternatively, don’t have the relationships.

I wouldn’t enter into any kind of relationship with anyone and expect them to spend their every moment pandering to my preferences.

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