AIBU...DP wanking in bed with me?!

[towankornottowank]

Genuinely unsure whether I ABU or not?

DP openly masturbates, as do I. I have no problem with it. He might have one in the sitting room after I've gone to bed. Or in the shower etc.

I woke up to DP wanking in bed a couple of years ago. I can't explain why but it made me feel weird and I told him not to do it.

So roll on, one night last week, woke to a familiar bump in the bed, Low and behold, he's jerking off again while I sleep, not over me physically or anything just in his own world!

I can't explain it as I'm not jealous, I don't feel left out. It makes me feel violated. Dp has promised he won't do it again but doesn't understand why I'm so offended by it.

He feels if it was the other way around he would just join in! What are your thoughts?

I’m totally with you.

Don’t care if DH wanks - just not next to me. Take it to the bathroom if we’re both in bed. It just feels a bit wrong?

DP does this and genuinely I'm not bothered by it in the slightest. I kinda like the vibrations it makes.... Its nice that we are comfortable and open with our bodies in the safe space of our bed.

Clearly you think semen is nasty stuff and sex is 'dirty'.

Firstly, having a wank isn’t sex. Very strange.

Secondly, I’m not particularly fond of semen, no. Especially when crunching up my sheets or I’m waking to my head stuck to the pillow.

My point is, yes it’s natural but why does that prevent someone from doing it in private? Like the vast majority of other natural things, e.g. having a big old shit.

You can be perfectly happy having sex (as and when you want to) without wanting people wanking in your bed when you’re there.

I do it if I wake up and can't get back to sleep, I try not to disturb DH though.

“ Firstly, having a wank isn’t sex. Very strange. ”

Yes it is, but if you are of the view that it isn’t then what is your objection exactly?

“ Its nice that we are comfortable and open with our bodies in the safe space of our bed.”

Very well said. It’s that exactly. Rounded adults in sexual relationships should be able to cope with things like this.

Seems there’s still so much repression in the world.

“Firstly, having a wank isn’t sex. Very strange.”

Yes it is

oh dear

I have no idea why this would be a big deal.

Him doing it would not bother me in the slightest. It’s healthy. I’ve done it with a man beside me over the years so it would by hypocritical wouldn’t it?

But if it woke me up on more than one occasion, that would be another matter.

Incidently, I too am puzzled by Mumsnetters who think that anything that mentions sex should be compartmentalised where upstanding women of pure thoughts and iron knickers can’t be disturbed by it.

“ oh dear”

It is a sex act, isn’t it?

I'm not sure how I would feel to be honest! It's a strange one

People who are keen on having sex - “oh why can’t they just have a wank for goodness sake”

People who watch porn when wanking - “oh why can’t they just use their imagination for goodness sake”

People who might have a quick wank (using their imagination) in bed when their partner is asleep - “oh why can’t they go and do it in the bathroom for goodness sake”

Always more rules. Repression is rife.

I have never had this happen, but I would doubt that I would be as laid back as others on here. It makes me feel a bit cringey and uncomfortable thinking about it. I’m sure it must be due to all my hang-ups... but I can’t change that.

I was an absolute fiend when I was pregnant. I used to have sex dreams all the time and finish myself of while he was asleep

I never feel like that non pregnant 😬

To a PP: Why on earth would you need consent to have a wank which involves no bodily contact but happens to be in the same bed? (The waking issue aside, I agree that's not ok).
Women on the thread have said they do the same; I have in the past when I can't sleep as it has a soporific effect. Would you say they are being out of order or is it just when jizz is involved?!

Why wouldn’t you need consent to perform a sex act right next to someone? You wouldn’t do it on a train, would you? Just because someone shares a bed with you it doesn’t mean it’s fine to masturbate next to them.

He wanked twice in two years in his own bed and it's all about violation and what other boundaries he ignores...people are nuts. Wanking in bed is normal.

MrsDesireeCarthorse

It doesn’t matter how often you do it, if it’s not an okay thing to

*do

It’s his bed too, you shouldn’t get to dictate

Why wouldn’t you need consent to perform a sex act right next to someone? You wouldn’t do it on a train, would you? Just because someone shares a bed with you it doesn’t mean it’s fine to masturbate next to them
That’s hilarious that you’re comparing a man wanking in his own bed next to his wife/girlfriend to a man just going at it on a train 😂 so many sexually repressed people on this website, it’s quite sad actually that a man can’t even have a wank in his own bed (without involving his partner) without it being deemed wrong and gross.
God, if I had to get out of bed to masturbate, I’d be fuming especially if my DH suggested it was vile and wrong

I think it's disrespectful. Neither of us would do this.
It's not compulsory he masterbates whenever the mood takes him.

I think it's disrespectful. Neither of us would do this

How do you know he’s not doing this on a regular basis and is just careful enough not to wake you up? Genuine question

Meh, I'd feel the same as you OP. The thought of waking up and finding myself being physically next to someone else's sexual activity without my consent would make me uncomfortable. I think if it makes you uncomfortable YANBU and he should respect that, it's not a big ask for him to do it elsewhere.