AIBU...DP wanking in bed with me?!

[towankornottowank]

Genuinely unsure whether I ABU or not?

DP openly masturbates, as do I. I have no problem with it. He might have one in the sitting room after I've gone to bed. Or in the shower etc.

I woke up to DP wanking in bed a couple of years ago. I can't explain why but it made me feel weird and I told him not to do it.

So roll on, one night last week, woke to a familiar bump in the bed, Low and behold, he's jerking off again while I sleep, not over me physically or anything just in his own world!

I can't explain it as I'm not jealous, I don't feel left out. It makes me feel violated. Dp has promised he won't do it again but doesn't understand why I'm so offended by it.

He feels if it was the other way around he would just join in! What are your thoughts?

That grin was at viscious jackdaw’s comments not you OP.

@ViciousJackdaw 😂😂😂

OP I'm glad you can see the funny side, but seriously.. violated? Come on. He was having a wank and not involving you in any way.

Don't look for things to be affronted about where they don't exist.

I had a similar problem with DH. Basically it made me feel like I was being made party to something I hadn't agreed to so just asked that he did it elsewhere or when I wasn't there. He understood. No harm no foul

Would not bother me, and I have done it next to my dh when he's asleep. I don't see the problem.

Was he using it as a sleep aid? I know it might sound ridiculous, but if he was having difficulty falling asleep, post-orgasmic recovery can be soporific--might explain why he was doing it in bed rather than in another room (where the sleep aid part wouldn't have been useful).

God, I'm probably going to need a hard hat here because I think I'll likely be told I am enabling abuse. But I think you were unfair OP and I feel sorry for your partner. You've said it's nothing to do with you feeling violated (which is important....and I'd be the last person to judge what makes another human feel that way. If you do, the reasons for that are something you discuss with a loving partner who then goes out of his way not to make you feel that way). But you said you don't. That time between sleep and waking is, in my mind, a sanctuary to ourselves...a place where we can shake off the judgements we come up against every second of every day and - just maybe - be kind to ourselves? So he touched a part of his body that gave him pleasure? Incidentally my 3 year old did that the other night, but he whipped it out of his night nappy and I was worried if I left it, he'd then pee and I've been meaning for ages to get him a new mattress protector
Please go and talk to him and tell him that there is enough love between the two of you that you can cope with that. Jesus, I'm so aware of the challenges my DP feels in his every day life: the responsibilities he lives up to, the fucking amount he bends over backwards to make all the humans in his orbit feel safe and happy, that I'd be so glad if he could feel the trust between us allowed him that space without worrying that I'd think he was a tissue-encrusted knob-end perv...and especially if I had to do nothing to help but just offer my silent support whilst slumbering on

If it makes you uncomfortable then he shouldn't be doing it next to you. I'd be wondering what other boundaries he would ignore if I were you.

I think I've made him feel like a sex pest

Would he not have to be pestering you for this to be a thing

The shock of being awoken by a shaking bed I get though. Has there been an earthquake? No, just wanking dear.

My ex husband used to do this. It made me feel horrible too OP. Mainly, however, because he knew that it bothered me a he kept doing it. And our own sex life was low at that point and I felt horrible that he'd have the desire but just not to make the effort to have sex with me. It made me feel dirty and alone. I also used to have to wash the evidence which was the biggest kick in the arse about it all. One of the many reasons why he's an ex.

the only way i could be bothered by this is if i'd been rejected for a wank

Fuckin ell I haven't had my crumpets yet

Honestly, why do some people even take partners? If being woken in the night once in a blue moon is such a disaster, stay single. If normal sexual activity is so icky to you, stay single.

Crazy levels of repression and shaming. Shaming a loving partner for having a wank in bed is so sad.

Always it’s the linking of sex and shame. Seems to be absolutely ingrained.

You were asleep, how was he supposed to know that you would wake up?

When you start shaking the bed, it's hardly surprising if the other occupant wakes.

Christ.

It’s a basic concept of consent that you don’t involve unsuspecting people in your sexual activity, and sleeping people can’t consent.

It’s not bizarre for a woman to feel uncomfortable about this - I don’t want to be unconscious next to someone engaging in sexual activity of any kind, it would make me feel very vulnerable.

The range of reactions to this would be a huge spectrum based on many variables, but personally as someone with a history of abuse I would really struggle with this.

Just because you wouldn’t have a problem with doesn’t mean the OP should ignore how it’s made her feel.

Yanbu, I personally do t have an issue with it but that's irrelevant.

You do t like it, you can say you don't like it.

My 'D'P often cuts my lie ins short so he can have a wank in bed, won't do it in any other room. I have been woken in the night by a shaking bed/flapping duvet too and it is unpleasant. I masturbate and have no issue with people doing that, but there should be consideration of when and where you are doing it, disturbing your partners sleep isn't on imo.

I'd probably feel weird. I'd be annoyed he didn't wake me for joint fun time possibly but I'd defo be weirded out

So I stayed deadly still, waited a moment and announced, in a loud
and clear voice - 'Ann Widdecombe'.

Of course you run the risk that the mere mention of Ann Widdecombe further fans the flame of excitement, should your partner secretly harbour a perverse desire for her...

Op, yanbu. You have asked him not to do it, therefore he should not be doing it. It would really piss me off too, being woken up by that, it’s selfish and inconsiderate. Why can’t he do it in the bathroom/another room.
He is trampling your boundaries and you are right to be annoyed.
To their posters criticising her feelings, her feelings are her own and therefore completely valid.

@ViciousJackdaw
Pahahaha, brilliant!

OP I get that you are not happy with the situation but you are handling it so wrong.Unless that is of course that you want to make him embarrassed and ashamed and belittled ...turfing out of bed to go and sort himself out in another room is beyond childish...he isnt a naughty boy who needs to be banished.He may be a bit thoughtless granted.You have asked him not to do it cos you object seems like he says no to your request.Just ask him to be more discreet but equally he may not agree with you...one of you has to get over this temporary issue.I would ignore for the sake of 5 mins for if nothing else than to embarrass him.

Laughing so hard at Ann Widdicome!! Totally inspired comment!!

Ann Widdecombe!

YABU

I don't see this as an issue other than he work you up- he needs to wank quietly.

I don't understand your 'violated' comment. he's not committing violence against you. He's not using you in any way. He's woken you up. That's all.

Maybe you need to ask yourself if you are really comfortable with masturbation per se? You say you have no problem with it, but there are contradictions in your post. You say your DP does it 'openly' but the examples you give are when you are not in the room with him. So it's not really 'openly' is it? You know he does it but you aren't in the same room.

So maybe it's the fact you can hear and see him doing it- and you are't as relaxed as you think you are?

You really are asking him to do it when you can't see him or hear him.

Is that reasonable? Maybe but you need to ask yourself why. More going on in your head I'd say than you are aware of.