Do you ever wonder why people don't have children

[Moominfan]

I'll just get my hard hat ready. I never ever say or indicate this out-loud hence why I'm posting on a online Internet forum. But if I come across someone of a certain age, I wonder what the reasons are. I was adamant at one in my life I'd never have kids and I know someone people never change their minds. Not everyone wants children, never happened for them ect. List goes on. It just crosses my mind and wonder if anyone else ever shared this thought.

Never, ever wanted children. The whole process in my opinion is just disgusting - I would hate to look like a whale, have some live thing attached to my breast, the dirty nappies, sickness, etc., etc. What really put me off was when I was about 7 my aunt shovelling food into my cousin and most of it just sliding down his face into his clothes. I can remember thinking then 'Yuck, I never want to do that', and I haven't.

No, I’ve never wondered that.

I don’t see having kids as the default. We all start off without kids and opt into having them, it’s not like kids are something that automatically happen and you have to make a conscious decision to not.

I’m more likely to wonder what made someone decide to have kids as they’ve had to actively opt into becoming a parent, either by planning and conceiving, choosing to have unsafe sex, or choosing to continue with a pregnancy when in this country at least we have terminations available. So on some level, almost everyone who’s had a child has actively chosen that pathway. So I find that a lot more interesting, to consider people’s motivations for having them.

I’m currently pregnant with a very much planned for and wanted baby, and even though I can’t wait to become a parent and actively wanted and chose this I still think that having kids is such an incredible amount of work, effort, energy, time, sacrifice and so forth that you must have a really strong reason or desire or urge to have them to be willing to put yourself through it!

I wonder about things like ‘do snails decorate the inside of their shells’

Well, now I wonder too!

when someone does tell me they just don't want them (I never ask) I always judge them and honestly do think they are really missing out and that there really isn't any meaning in their lives

I must admit I feel sorry for mums whose only meaning in their lives are the kids.

My SIL revolved her life around her DC. Her two daughters are grown up now and moved out, she's really lonely. She doesn't really know how to make friends or have interest in hobbies, she just mourns being 'needed' like she used to be.

When the girls were teenagers the stress caused her to age about 20 years, and her body hasn't been the same since childbirth (bladder issues and back pain that never resolved).

I'd find it odd if she felt sorry for someone without kids...

I didn’t have my son until my late 30’s because I was in the wrong marriage. I always said I didn’t want any but changed my mind when I met my second husband.
I do wonder about a friend of mine as she says she never wanted any (fair enough) but he husband is a natural with babies and loves children. I’d never ask her about it though, regardless of how close we are. I think wondering is natural but it’s not my business to ask questions.

Can't say I give it much thought really, having children isn't compulsory after all

I do often wonder why on earth people have them though, or why they are having more

This!

But I do wonder in that case if they had to face the 'hormons invasion' and how they've dealt with it?
Yes, I have had hormonal urges. I’m also with a man who I’m blissfully happy with and who would make a brilliant dad. We’re also financially comfortable and own our own home. And we’ve travelled a bit and are pretty bored with it.
We don’t want to be parents though, so if I get a purely hormonal urge, I override it. If I have a mad 5 minutes, my DH says “give it 3 months and if you consistently feel this way, we’ll reassess our situation”. Within about 2 hours I’m always logically back to thinking “he’ll no, f*ck that”.

Yeah I always wonder if it was by choice or circumstance, but would never ask. I think it’s natural curiosity; I have a child, have lost a child and am currently pregnant with a child. The last ~3-5 years of my life have revolved around kids to some extent so I think that’s what makes me wonder.

Surely the more obvious question is the opposite, why do some people voluntarily have children?

Having children has huge obvious negative impacts on your life. For most of my life I would have found absolutely nothing to put in the pro column. Note, not just insufficient benefits to outweigh the negatives, no benefits at all.

No, it never crosses my mind why other people make the decisions they've made or chose the path they've chosen. I take them as I find them. I've lots of friends/clients who I've no idea if they have children or not. Some people never mention children, so I don't know (and don't care) whether they're just grown up and flown the nest or whether they've never had children at all. But, I'm mid 50's so my friends/colleagues/clients tend to be similarly aged so children have either been and gone or never happened in the first place, so just generally not part of day to day conversation.

I'd assume most work people who are married and no kids were trying and it wasn't happening. So I don't ever mention it.
The child free like me generally say up front they don't want kids (when kids are mentioned in general chat).
I'm quite happy to mention I don't want them. I don't particularly want people quietly feeling sorry for me that I don't have them and are somehow missing out

The only time I would wonder is if someone posts something relevant on social media, perhaps around baby and pregnancy loss awareness week. But all I think is "are they a member of that club no one ever wants to join too?".

when someone does tell me they just don't want them (I never ask) I always judge them and honestly do think they are really missing out and that there really isn't any meaning in their lives

I think most childfree couples have a great deal of meaning in their lives. I can completely see the advantages of having no kids - number one: you don't have to worry about them. Number two: you don't risk wrecking your body in childbirth. Number three: as a pp said, not having to deal with bodily fluids and food mess everywhere!

And assuming you have the money, you can have great child-free holidays. Not sure what's not to like, really, if it's your choice.

I do wonder. As a childfree person, it’s always nice to meet people like me, who’ve chosen a life that doesn’t include having children. It’s nice to compare notes and have a good round of Childfree Bullshit Bingo (“Do you get told you’ll regret it?” “Ooh yes, and have you had the “You live an empty and unfulfilled life” one?!”). And we also have a laugh at people like @Sugarandspiceandallthat who genuinely seem to think they have the right to look down on us whilst completely missing the point that maybe one reason we haven’t wanted kids is to be able to stay away from people like her.

But I’d never EVER ask. Because it’s an incredibly emotive subject, the capacity for causing offence and hurt, however inadvertently, is huge and because it’s none of my bloody business.

Seriously shocked that pp finds it odd that some choose not to have children. It’s a perfectly valid ‘choice’ that harms no one; what’s so difficult to understand? I worry more about the ones who shouldn’t ever have been parents! They’re the odd ones and unfortunately do cause harm.

I want children, can have children (fertility fine) but a) I can't afford them and b) I'm single

I used to tell colleagues that I wasn't bothered about having them when in reality I was going through IVF which didn't work.No way did I want the whole work place knowing my business so I just lied about it.

I’d also add, why does no one ever ask why a woman DID have children? Or why a man did/didn’t have children? Why is it automatically assumed that the default for women is children and any woman who deviates from this must be some tragic figure bravely smiling through her tears and pain while she tries to carve out a meaning to her empty life?

Also, being a natural with someone else’s baby doesn’t mean they’d want their own.

And we also have a laugh at people like @Sugarandspiceandallthat who genuinely seem to think they have the right to look down on us whilst completely missing the point that maybe one reason we haven’t wanted kids is to be able to stay away from people like her.

Snort laughed a bit there Some of the mums I’ve met since having my kids have been a whole new level of AVOIDAVOIDAVOID but have attached themselves to me because our kids are the same age. They’re always the ones hardest to shake too.

I don't and would have liked to have had them. Circumstances were such that I chose not to have them.

Work is actually the place where I have been most judged for it, ironically while working around those who have other responsibilities at home (not just kids, but elderly parents and pets) without complaint.

The worst was being called a childless hariden to my face and told that made me unfit to supervise more junior staff.

I am definitely treated as a second class citizen by family for failing to have kids. Even though because I don't have kids I am seen as someone who can be tapped up for some cash because I don't have the expense of kids.

Just bear in mind that while I understand why people judge, it isn't great to be on the receiving end of that.

when someone does tell me they just don't want them (I never ask) I always judge them and honestly do think they are really missing out and that there really isn't any meaning in their lives

Sorry, you're very wrong. My brother and SIL don't have children and they have very busy and rewarding/meaningful lives. They were very philosophical about kids - "what will be will be" and SIL came off the pill just to see if anything happened, but it didn't so they didn't dwell on it and just carried on with their busy/fulfilling lives. Both have decent jobs, lots of hobbies, do lots of travelling and both do a lot of voluntary/charity work.

When I got married I was 26 and everyone kept saying ooooh are you pregnant yet, it got really annoying and upsetting because we had already been trying and had no luck. Over the next 5 years people would just come right out and say are you not having any babies? I pretended I wasn't bothered but by then we'd been trying for 5 years and I wasn't eligible for fertility as dh already had a child. In the end by luck my Dr agreed to let me try metformin and I got pregnant.
I would never outright ask anyone why they've not got children, it can just be too upsetting.

@Finchy19 I got that as well. I'm a bit old to change my mind and even if I did, I'd adopt.

Also, saying people without kids have no meaning in their lives is a shitty thing to say. I have friends and family and a job I love and hobbies. I don't just sit on my arse doing nothing. I'm not going to force myself to have a children I don't want just to please some strangers. That would be stupid and cruel. If G-d had intended me to have children, He would have given me a maternal instinct.