Do you ever wonder why people don't have children

[Moominfan]

I'll just get my hard hat ready. I never ever say or indicate this out-loud hence why I'm posting on a online Internet forum. But if I come across someone of a certain age, I wonder what the reasons are. I was adamant at one in my life I'd never have kids and I know someone people never change their minds. Not everyone wants children, never happened for them ect. List goes on. It just crosses my mind and wonder if anyone else ever shared this thought.

I do wonder yes. But I’d never ask because the reasons could be very painful.

It's really annoying when I say I've got no children and I get 'Aww, I'm sorry to hear that'.

Imagine doing it in reverse and telling people with children "Aww, I'm sorry to hear that.". Especially after they announce to you a "surprise" pregnancy or something like that 😂 Doubt it would fly...

I often wonder but I never ask. I'm about to embark on IVF #7 so I'm hyper-aware of fertility these days. I personally don't mind talking about it but when people ask whether we're planning a sibling for DS and I tell them the truth they're often taken aback and embarrassed.

when someone does tell me they just don't want them (I never ask) I always judge them and honestly do think they are really missing out and that there really isn't any meaning in their lives.

If kids give life such meaning, why do I know parents (who are happy and love their kids) who still desperately want to build a career because they are so dissatisfied with the one they have, who get into debt buying stuff (for themselves) that they don’t need, who daydream about when they can travel again and see the places they’d love to visit etc etc. Shouldn’t their kids give their lives so much meaning that they aren’t concerned with these things anymore?

I think we’re now all so obsessed with this concept of ‘meaning’. Historically people used to live more communally than we do now, pulling together and growing foods and producing materials and learning skills for the common good, and were also devoutly religious. That’s where people got their ‘meaning’. All of that’s gone now and we’re all left scrabbling around desperately trying to replace it!

It's really annoying when I say I've got no children and I get 'Aww, I'm sorry to hear that

I think my face would show my confusion at that point and I’d have to ask “Why?”

when someone does tell me they just don't want them (I never ask) I always judge them and honestly do think they are really missing out and that there really isn't any meaning in their lives

Maybe they judge you for thinking that having children is the only meaningful thing in your life. There is far more to life than just having children. Life is what you make it.

I was always ambivalent about having children, and after infertility investigations I was told that having children was very unlikely. I just shrugged my shoulders, thought "oh well", and booked a long haul holiday that I wouldn't have been able to do with children in tow.

I did eventually have DD later in life, and now she is at university I am staggered at the number of mothers who cry at the idea of their children leaving home, some of whom sobbed all summer at the thought of their child going to university.

We only have our children for a short time. They don't belong to us, and we need to understand that from the day the pregnany is confirmed. I wonder if parents like Sugarandspiceandallthat will be one of those clingy, sobbing parents.

My experience of parenthood has been very stressful, especially during the teenage years, and quite frankly I don't understand why some women just want to pop baby after baby out, especially if they are with an unsupportive or abusive partner.

These threads always remind me of the ones about why people would choose to be single, or not want to learn to drive.
There’s the same feeling of bewilderment from those who have made the opposite choice as they rush to point out the advantages.

I don’t have children as cancer in my mid 20s left me infertile.

I have had comments such as “I wish I’d been more selfish and not had kids”, from mothers (it’s always from women btw, men don’t seem interested). I’m now of an age where I enjoy explaining in great detail why I don’t have children, to these people. And watching them squirm with embarrassment. They’ve tried to embarrass me, publicly in some cases, so I don’t care that my answer makes them feel embarrassed.

I never think about it tbh.

Because having children isnt the be all and end all?

I used to have that when people asked me if I had children and I replied "I can't have them". They always used to say "I'm sorry", and were surprised when I said not to worry as I wasn't bothered anyway.

Maybe some people don’t have kids because it sounds like a total nightmare:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3729853-to-feel-like-I-really-regret-having-kids

It has nothing to do with policing language but for respect for others and their pain at not being parents. When I was doing ivf abroad, I met a british woman on her 13th cycle. She didn’t want to be my friend. Now I know why. I have a child. I bet she doesn’t.

Perhaps she just didn't like you?

when someone does tell me they just don't want them (I never ask) I always judge them and honestly do think they are really missing out and that there really isn't any meaning in their lives

Wowsers. What a gem you are. So if your kids don't want their own kids, you will consider them to be meaningless husks? You really fell for the patriarchy didn't you? And fell hard.

I more wonder what compelled people to think it was a good idea to have children.

Never wanted any, never had any. OH was a widower when we met, gets on very well with one, has not seen the other for 20 plus years.

We prefer dogs and horses. We worked long hours and now have a nice house and life, no babysitting or grown up children returning to live with us.

I don’t think children make you happy and I have met plenty with appalling teens, drugs, drink etc

Although I wonder more why some women have 3, 4, sometimes 5 children with horrible men.

To quote RuPaul, "I don't think that's any of your business".

I find it very sad that a lot of women think it's their life's purpose to have children.
Definitely in the group that wonders why people have them, especially as the majority of parents spend all their time whinging about it.

Equally im pregnant with my 1st, and im reaching my limit of people cooing over my uterus and its current inhabitant, like its the only thing im capable or want to have a conversation about. I suspect you're one of those people @Moominfan

I wont be having another as I dont think me and my husband can afford it without making real sacrifices to our standard of life. I also suspect you, OP, are the type of person who will question me about having a second as soon as I return to work from maternity leave.

When I announced my pregnancy quite a few people said "I know you always wanted them". Well, no I didn't, you are just projecting.

I do love my DD BTW

I wonder about things like ‘do snails decorate the inside of their shells’ and ‘Do my cat and dog have a sibling love for each other’.

I don’t think about why people don’t have children.

I also know 2 single mothers. One used to be our receptionist at work. She has two children and found out her ex was having an affair so they split. He’s self employed so she can’t get any child maintenance out of him. She admits that she regrets having children as her life is a constant grind of having to make ends meet, plus the ex is no longer in the picture so she is responsible for all the childcare. I feel sorry for her because she didn’t have children expecting to end up in this situation due to a shitty ex/dad. But I don’t envy her life, my life is better.

Another has 3 kids to 3 different men. She barely knows me but has already asked me if I would babysit (I said no, as I don’t want to be friends with her and her childcare is not my responsibility). One father is abroad, one pays and does joint custody (for his child only, he won’t have anything to do with the other 2, which she gets angry about) and one is in prison. Why she continued to have children baffles me. She’s in a minimum wage job, topped up by benefits so again, life is just a struggle to make ends meet financially and do constant childcare without a break. I feel sorry for her but am also confused as to why she has got herself into this situation. I don’t ask her though. Even though people think it’s ok to ask me why I don’t have children, apparently it isn’t ok to ask people why they brought children into such a shitty situation.

Sometimes. I never like to ask though.

^This.

I probably fleetingly wonder the same as I do about various info I hear from other people about their lives but I don't dwell on it the same way as I don't dwell on other info.
I have children and I don't regret having them, I think if I were told I wouldn't be able to have children it would have taken over my life and became soul destroying. The benefit of been a parent and getting older has made me realise I could also have led a happy fulfilled life without children but I wonder if I'd ever have reached that conclusion if been child free wasn't my own decision.
Parenting can be hard, especially the teen years and especially so if a child has an illness or disability. You'll always worry about your kids and the worst thing that could happen in my life is something bad happening to them.

I admire people who choose to be child free because they don't want children and also those who feel they aren't cut out to be a parent and don't have it in them to give all that's required to parent a child properly. I think many of us are deluded and don't realise before having kids what's actually involved. I see nothing selfish in not wanting kids. I actually sometimes believe we parents are the selfish ones, bringing children into a very turbulent over populated world so we can fulfil a desire to have a family.
I personally found the baby, toddler and small children stages relatively easy and pretty blissful realistically though this is a very short stage of parent hood. The teen and young adult stage has been difficult to navigate at times. we're coming out the other side, they're people in their own right now, forging their own way in the world but every problem and issue they face is a huge concern for me and the worry can be immense. Likewise every happiness and success they achieve is like a happy pill for me.

Having children is like Russian Roulette isn't it.

Some children are problem free
Some have health issues
Some have mental health issues
Some get bullied at school
Some have friendship issues
Some struggle academically
Some turn out to have drug problems
Some sail through life trouble free
Some mothers have unsupportive partners who take off and leave them
Some have supportive and doting partners

We don't have a crystal ball when it comes to having children