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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do you ever wonder why people don't have children

473 replies

Moominfan · 03/11/2019 22:37

I'll just get my hard hat ready. I never ever say or indicate this out-loud hence why I'm posting on a online Internet forum. But if I come across someone of a certain age, I wonder what the reasons are. I was adamant at one in my life I'd never have kids and I know someone people never change their minds. Not everyone wants children, never happened for them ect. List goes on. It just crosses my mind and wonder if anyone else ever shared this thought.

OP posts:
ChileConCarne · 04/11/2019 09:17

I think most childfree couples have a great deal of meaning in their lives.
The ‘meaning’ thing again.
My DH and I are happily childfree. I’m not sure my life is ‘meaningful’ though? And I’m not sure I’d say my parent friends’ lives are either. Maybe my doctor friend has a meaningful life - I don’t know. What does it even mean?
My DH and I work, do lots of diy and are always refurbing a house, live on the edge of a national park and love hiking with our dog, see our friends often, and like to cook and eat well. I wouldn’t know if my life has ‘meaning’ - maybe not - but I certainly enjoy it!

Kit19 · 04/11/2019 09:17

@GOODCAT “a Chilldless harridan” omg how did you not punch them??😱

The judgement & assumptions by some people are fucking awful. I’ve been told that childless people don’t have any empathy, shouldn’t vote (no stake in the future you see) and that Childless ppl shouldn’t be politicians.

MN is generally far more empathetic on this subject than wider society which I would never have thought when I joined

EducatingArti · 04/11/2019 09:19

The problem with this kind of "wondering" is that it perpetuates the idea that having children is somehow 'normal' and that not having children is somehow 'abnormal' or 'inferior'.
I'm in my 50s and childless. I didn't find the right man to have children with. I love children and would have liked to have my own and have made a conscious decision to offer my love to other people's children as unconditionally as I can. It works for me.
What I find difficult is that society often in many subtle ways presents this as inferior. If you look at adverts, drama, media on general, the older childless woman is absent or presented as bitter spinster, mad cat lady or ruthless career woman. We literally don't exist outside these tropes.

We don't need wondering about why we don't fit ' the norm', we need to be accepted as a normal part of society.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 04/11/2019 09:23

I have DC. I don't wonder why other people don't have DC. It's really not difficult to comprehend that we all want different things from life.

APerkyPumpkin · 04/11/2019 09:25

This whole meaning thing.

It really does make you wonder how little some women think of other women when they consider those that didn't have kids for whatever reason, to be empty husks, whilst living their full and meaningful lives at soft play, cleaning up shit and dribble, screaming at their kids not to jump on other kids heads, and never being able to go to the toilet on their own.

So meaningful. It gets me right there.

CathyorClaire · 04/11/2019 09:36

No, never.

I was bombarded with questions from 'caring' church members after we were deemed to have been married 'long enough' and it drove me wild with rage. Fuck all to do with them and just one of many reasons I no longer have anything to do with church.

midnightmisssuki · 04/11/2019 09:37

No. Because I really don’t give a damn what your life choices are. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Crystal87 · 04/11/2019 09:39

I do wonder but wouldn't ask. One of my exes and his wife appear very happily married and post things on social media. They've been together 10 years plus, so I think if they could have kids, they would by now, unless they've made a conscious decision not to.

ItIsWhatItIsInnit · 04/11/2019 09:44

I do find it a bit sad though that the assumption seems to be though that if you do have children you can barely leave the house, have a horrible body ruined by birth injuries, can't have a high flying career or any disposable income, or go on holiday

I see this a lot around here - somehow my mum managed to do a Phd while working 4 days a week, has a very high flying career, we flew abroad several times a year, and she's thinner than she was at 18. So it's not always true!

Still not convinced I want kids though. I've had the whole classic plethora of judgemental comments from the hard of thinking, like "But what's the point of your life if you don't have kids?" OK Grandma, I'll just jump in front of a bus then shall I.....

Mackerz · 04/11/2019 09:44

“Another has 3 kids to 3 different men. She barely knows me but has already asked me if I would babysit (I said no, as I don’t want to be friends with her and her childcare is not my responsibility). One father is abroad, one pays and does joint custody (for his child only, he won’t have anything to do with the other 2, which she gets angry about) and one is in prison. Why she continued to have children baffles me. She’s in a minimum wage job, topped up by benefits so again, life is just a struggle to make ends meet financially and do constant childcare without a break. I feel sorry for her but am also confused as to why she has got herself into this situation. I don’t ask her though. Even though people think it’s ok to ask me why I don’t have children, apparently it isn’t ok to ask people why they brought children into such a shitty situation.”

Exactly this.

I didn’t have DD until I was 37. Didn’t meet the right man before that and didn’t want to go for it by myself as I wasn’t financially stable enough to give a child the life I would want to give them. I didn’t want to bring a child into a life that would be a struggle. It’s not ok to question women like your acquaintance on why they had kids in a bad situation but it’s ok to question childless women about why they are childless Hmm.

I met DP at 36 and DD came along when I was 37. I’m now suffering from secondary infertility and am sick of being asked when we’re going to have a sibling for DD.

twinkledag · 04/11/2019 09:50

Yes but I never ask due to having fertility issues myself.

Often have people ask me when I'm going to have another, my dc needs a sibling, etc. Should I tell them I've been trying for 3 years and the £35k of failed fertility treatment?

Otavis · 04/11/2019 09:56

It really does make you wonder how little some women think of other women when they consider those that didn't have kids for whatever reason, to be empty husks, whilst living their full and meaningful lives at soft play, cleaning up shit and dribble, screaming at their kids not to jump on other kids heads, and never being able to go to the toilet on their own.

Well, that type of thinker (or 'thinker') worries that child-free lives look very, very attractive, and doesn't like being reminded that having children is entirely optional -- that nappies, sleepless nights and maniacal teenagers are not an inevitability. You don't get any Brownie point from the universe for procreating.

Hence the assertion that raising children is the ultimate meaningful activity, and that the two types of people who don't raise children are either (1) tragic would-be-parents who can't have children but who would give twenty years off their lives to be scrubbing baby sick or dealing with your school-refusing teenager, and (2) 'empty husks' whose hedonistic lives of lie-ins, promotions and exotic holidays are underlain with a prickle of unease about the meaninglessness of all this pleasure.

They find infertile people easier to deal with as an idea (it's not a choice), and can sometimes just get their heads around someone not having children because they're out changing the world (sacrificing their own desire for their big work). The ordinary childfree person who says 'God, no -- not for me, not my idea of a meaningful existence' makes them very twitchy, because it calls all their decisions into question.

ScreamingCosArgosHaveNoRavens · 04/11/2019 09:56

Some of us have tight and sexy bodies, looking like we've never had a baby grow inside us - we just work hard on ourselves and the DCs actually give us motivation to be better.

Do you really think having a 'tight and sexy' body is likely to feature as any kind of significant reason for remaining childfree? Please don't apply these shallow standards to people at large.

LadyFlumpalot · 04/11/2019 09:56

I do sometimes wonder, but I never ask - I have several childless friends all in committed relationships, during normal conversations over the years I have found out that:

One would have loved children but unfortunately has health issues that mean she can't.

One is married to his male partner and they don't want to go through the adoption process.

One is happy to have never had children, can't understand why anyone would and is enjoying living a spontaneous life with her partner - in fact she has just accepted a job in Canada which she says she would not have been happy to do if she had kids and schools and all that to sort out.

People have different reasons and it's never appropriate to ask the question.

FluffyRabbitGal · 04/11/2019 09:57

I am 36, and whilst I have a stable loving relationship and a professional job which brings financial stability, the thought of children fills me with dread. I simply don’t like them.

Whattodoabout · 04/11/2019 09:58

No, not at all. Everybody wants something different out of life, children aren’t an important factor to many people and I can understand that even though I have four.

MarshaBradyo · 04/11/2019 10:00

I just assume they didn’t want them or did but couldn’t (and have a huge amount of, not quite right word but understanding for latter).

Wouldn’t ask

nibdedibble · 04/11/2019 10:04

Half my female friends don't have children, and I don't wonder any more. It's always fertility issues, or they just don't want to have kids because they've got stuff to do! Almost never is it for any thrilling or scandalous reason, so no, I don't really wonder.

OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg · 04/11/2019 10:07

I do wonder. As a childfree person, it’s always nice to meet people like me, who’ve chosen a life that doesn’t include having children. It’s nice to compare notes and have a good round of Childfree Bullshit Bingo (“Do you get told you’ll regret it?” “Ooh yes, and have you had the “You live an empty and unfulfilled life” one?!”). And we also have a laugh at people like @Sugarandspiceandallthat who genuinely seem to think they have the right to look down on us whilst completely missing the point that maybe one reason we haven’t wanted kids is to be able to stay away from people like her.

Ah BrightYellowDaffodil, a woman after my own heart. Maybe we need a secret sign so we can spot like-minded people to have those CBB conversations with? The question I get is "is that why you have pets instead?" Err, no, I have pets because I like pets. They're not child substitutes.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 04/11/2019 10:08

No. I'm not at all interested in why people don't have children.

I haven't got any and, just in case anyone gives a shit, the reason for that is because I never wanted any. And I still don't.

MelGrange · 04/11/2019 10:08

@nibdedibble
I’m 44 and childfree due to cancer when I was younger. I think I gravitate towards other childfree / childless people, as we bond over shared interests, as opposed to being friends just because our children are friends.

Some of my old friends have children but everyone I have become friends with over the last 10 years or so is childfree / childless.

DeathBySnuSnu · 04/11/2019 10:14

Well I've always been child free by choice, but after reading this thread I suddenly have an overwhelming urge to have babies (okay breed) with sugarandspice GrinGrinGrin

SerenDippitty · 04/11/2019 10:19

We had fertility issues. I’m now quite happy and relieved I never had kids, am enjoying my life (took voluntary early retirement at 58, which I probably could not have afforded to if I’d had kids) and call myself childfree.

Yes I do wonder but would never ask.

AnalFloss · 04/11/2019 10:23

Nope, I would have thought the reasons were obvious. The downsides to children are pretty clear, as are the benefits.

Hannahmates · 04/11/2019 10:24

I don't want kids simply because it would be too taxing on my mental health to have children. It's a huge responsibility and I'm not up for that. I'm sleep in till 2pm on weekends. Can't do that with kids.

I often wonder why people have kids given the emotional and financial burden. Wasn't there a discussion here about parents regretting their choice to be parents? And another discussion on the horrific and traumatising births some women had to experience. Those are my reasons: too expensive, too much responsibility, loss of freedom, physical changes from pregnancy, possibility of childbirth injuries that can have life long effects, possibility of giving birth to a severely disabled child.

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