Do you ever wonder why people don't have children

[Moominfan]

I'll just get my hard hat ready. I never ever say or indicate this out-loud hence why I'm posting on a online Internet forum. But if I come across someone of a certain age, I wonder what the reasons are. I was adamant at one in my life I'd never have kids and I know someone people never change their minds. Not everyone wants children, never happened for them ect. List goes on. It just crosses my mind and wonder if anyone else ever shared this thought.

@Gwenhwyfar
I think the point Gormless was making is valid. It has nothing to do with policing language but for respect for others and their pain at not being parents. When I was doing ivf abroad, I met a british woman on her 13th cycle. She didn’t want to be my friend. Now I know why. I have a child. I bet she doesn’t.

Childless is defined as having a desire to have children. “Less” as in lacking. So this could be by circumstance or choice, where ideally you would be a parent but where there are physical issues eg infertility, not wanting to pass on certain genetic anomalies or because of external influences eg poverty, not having a partner and wanting to be in a relationship first etc.

Childfree is voluntary childlessness. You fall in this category. Why do you object to being classed as childfree?

Moomin
Yes I wonder. Dd was a much wanted ivf child. Things could have been very different for me. I would never ask. I know people, who are childfree and happy and others, who desperately wish they were not childless.

I grew up in a free school meals family of 7. My dad was lazy & abusive to us and controlling to my dm.
He gambled while she worked during school hours and we lived hand to mouth. He loved to tell us we were a waste of money & a pointless drain on his finances. She was worn down and had no life.
I watched and swore I wouldn’t end up like that.

So no marriage and no children was the logical plan. It’s not so hard to understand.

No, I don't really wonder about it. I assume it's for one of the many logical reasons. It seems to me that on the whole, parents find it harder to understand why, than non-parents.

(Has anyone asked why non parents are on MN yet??)

Surprisingly no, but I’m making guesses at who’s going to say it first.

How peculiar (and quite sad) to think women can’t have really meaningful lives unless they have kids.

I don't want children in the same way I didn't want the fish cakes when I went out for dinner last week.

I don't like fish so I simply skipped past that menu option and had a nice bit of belly pork instead.

I just don't want children. No angst, no handwringing, no biological clock. Just wanted not to have them.

I had one friend that I always wondered about until she and her husband announced that she was uable to even carry a child and were turning to surrogacy.

So I don't wonder anymore. Either they don't want children, or they can't have them, or they're trying and don't want everyone to know what's going on.

I just don't want children. No angst, no handwringing, no biological clock. Just wanted not to have them.

Me too. So I didn’t, & at 46 I have no expectation of that changing.

The question and concept is of no interest to me. You may as well ask my opinion on fly fishing. I simply don't care about having children. It's a non-issue for me.

I am however tempted to ask certain parents I know how much they must regret their offspring, because obviously they were a mistake. I mean blimey, why would anyone choose that lifestyle, right?

I’ve always wanted kids, so for me I can’t imagine ever not wanting kids myself. But I completely understand why other people don’t want them. I’d never ask anyone though, you have no idea what people are going through.

I’ve always wanted kids, so for me I can’t imagine ever not wanting kids myself.

And for people like me, the reverse is true:

"I’ve never wanted kids, so for me I can’t imagine ever wanting kids myself."

Both viewpoints are as natural to each person as the other is to the other. There isn't some internal fight to overcome the first one, it just is. It just seems that one side always has to question the other about it.

No, it's just like any other choice, or for some it's heartbreakingly not a choice; either way it's nothing something I actively think about. In honesty, I tend to wonder more why some people do have children. I think it's important not to see it as a default and people who don't have them as the odd ones out. Our default is actually to be childfree, and although many put consideration into not having them, the more logical thought process would be to question those who do.

Wondering and judging are different things. I wonder lots of thinks about people I meet, especially if we got on well and might end up friends. I’m not judging reasons for anything I’m just trying to fill in a backstory in my head. I wonder if X will have more than one child / I wonder if Y is childfree by choice / I wonder what Z’s house looks like / I wonder how how (s)he got into that line of work.

I totally understand why people wouldn’t have children, having not wanted them myself for a long time.

Children bring massive restrictions on a person’s freedom. If you are very career focused, they can hugely limit your ability to pursue your career. They can prevent you travelling, stop you having an sdult conversation, prevent you from having sex. They can be exhausting and incredibly boring.

And that’s the people who can biologically have children. Never mind those with fertility issues.

Of course there are things which over-ride this - as any parent knows. But I can’t really see why this should be so difficult to understand? Surely it’s obvious?

I find it interesting that on these threads it’s the posters with kids like @MrsMarks and @Sugarandspiceandallthat that start slagging off and judging other women’s choices. And yet they inevitably accuse the childfree women of being bitter and unfulfilled. Which makes no sense really, because if you were so happy and fulfilled with your own life why would you spend your time being unpleasant to strangers online?

I was adamant I'd never have kids and only have 1 due to the fact I found out at 27 weeks
She is now 9 and the thought of babies, nappies, toddlers, pregnancy, birth all leave me cold. Never been clucky or rushed to hold babies. Just wasn't my thing. As DD gets older I'm finding it easier as a parent but still no desire for more

Dp would love a 2nd but it's a no way from me, I won't even consider it.

You’ve sort of just listed some reasons in your post!
If you’re in to kids then, of course, it’s human nature to wonder why some of us don’t have them.
Me? I wonder why anyone does!!

I do sometimes wonder what their reason is but would obviously never ask. I have a friend who really wanted them but who never met the right man. I have a friend who was having fertility treatment then her marriage broke down. She's over 40 now and has given up. For most they probably just don't want to.

I do find it a bit sad though that the assumption seems to be though that if you do have children you can barely leave the house, have a horrible body ruined by birth injuries, can't have a high flying career or any disposable income, or go on holiday; and you are selfish.

Haven’t read the full thread.
I don’t have kids. My partner does. We couldn’t have kids together we tried IVF and it was a spectacular failure. There’s a massive child shaped hole in my life that will never be filled.
To be honest I wish people asked me about it because then I could tell them. Infertility is a taboo subject and that will only change when society acknowledges it more openly.

Fancy not being able to imagine any other meaning to life than a child! Quite astonishing!

If people don’t have kids, I assume they either didn’t want them, or wanted them but couldn’t have them. What other reason is there, really?

I think children are amazing little creatures. I’m a teacher and spend all day helping to raise other people’s children. As far as I’m aware, I am able to have children and I have (sometimes strong) hormonal urges to have them.

Despite this, DH and I have made a conscious decision not to have children. We love our life the way it is, we have many hobbies and interests and are both very busy. I’m in my mid 30s and he is in his early 40s.

People always tell me ‘it’s a waste’ as I’m ‘so good with children’. I see the stresses that having children put on people and I think I’d be happier without. I lie awake worrying about the little people in my class, I can only imagine how little sleep I’d get if I had my own!

I sometimes wonder about people with no children, but only because I hope that they are kindred spirits and not harbouring an unrequited desire to have children.

More often, I wonder why so many people who can’t be bothered to look after their children properly decided it was good idea to have them!

I can’t have children and I don’t mind if people ask me why as long as they’re prepared to be told the realIt’s - infertility after ectopic pregnancies

Of course they aren’t though .

Instead generally when I tell people who ask why I don’t have children, they get flustered and embarrassed because I’m not supposed to tell the truth. I’m supposed to say “oh it just didn’t happen” or “we didn’t want them” not the ugly truth of wanting and being unable. If you don’t really want to know don’t ask the question. It’s not my job to police your embarrassment!

I do find it a bit sad though that the assumption seems to be though that if you do have children you can barely leave the house, have a horrible body ruined by birth injuries, can't have a high flying career or any disposable income, or go on holiday; and you are selfish.

Just look at any thread on motherhood and it descends into the Four Yorkshiremen of Parenting though.

There's one right now about a mum who wants to take a newborn to a adults birthday lunch and mums are queuing up to say how they can't possibly leave their babies and how vastly different their lives are now, and how people should understand the difficulties they face every minute of the day.

I sometimes wonder for some couples I know but always hope it was an active choice rather than infertility making that choice for them. I’d never ask though.