To be told it wouldn't be good to go for an afternoon meal with my 6 week old

[Coconutbug]

Its my friends birthday next week and she wants to go out for a Sunday roast. The place she has chosen has a children menu.
She has just text me to ask if I'm coming because they need to put down a deposit.
I haven't seen any of this group of friends since before baby was born through one reason or another. None of them have children.
I have a 6 week old exclusively breast fed baby and I said yes I can come but will need to bring baby and pram.
Her response I'd love to see you and meet baby but I don't think that will be good because it's an upmarket place.

Granted it is quite fancy but if it has a children's menu it doesn't make me think twice about taking a baby.

AIBU???

Mums understand that EBF babies should have an open invite to join mum at a meal/event (wherever appropriate)

I’m a mum and I totally disagree. I do not think the fact someone has a baby means they are entitled to take him or her wherever they want to. Having an EBF baby may mean the mother can’t leave him or her for long, but it doesn’t follow she can take the baby with her everywhere. Sometimes people don’t want a baby around and sadly the mother won’t be able to go to everything.

I also wouldn’t dream of treating a mother of a bottle fed baby and differently to an EBF baby when it comes to inviting them - it’s not that I don’t understand the practical difficulties/impossibility of leaving a breastfed baby, I just think it’s rude to tell a formula fed mother her wish not to leave her baby doesn’t count because of her feeding choice.

@Coconutbug NO PROBLEM.

I’d move on from this friendship. Make new ones, maybe with some other new parents. I think you’ll all be happier.

I think you should just accept it with good grace OP.

Your lifestyle choices don't match your friend's at the moment that's all.

You can nip out for a coffee and cake or invite her round if you're upset at not celebrating her birthday with her.

@57Varieties - go for it. I'm really in awe at anyone who thinks an invitation to something automatically includes their child.

It's literally wrong on so many levels that I'm willing to take whatever abuse you want to throw at me

The hostility and bitterness towards mothers and babies is fascinating to see, and also horri

Really? The people being called dicks on this thread aren't the women with babies, it is the women who have professed to no interest in babies and children who dare to want to have time with friends, without a any present.

However I think I would feel less offended if she said I'd prefer it to be child free rather than blaming it on the venue

I don’t think you would OP, I think you’d be just as annoyed. Which is fair enough I think. Tbh these “friends” don’t sound like they’ll be around as friends much longer. You’ve two small DC now and your life is so far removed from theirs. I think you should make plans to cultivate new “mum” friendships. Sorry. I know that sounds like such a cliche but cliches exist for a reason- they’re true. Mum friends have far more tolerance and understanding of your children than your other friends will.

Anotherlongdrive

Yes - totally get that - HIc!

OTOH A Sunday lunch is hardly a Saturday club night and in a smart restaurant, doubt anyone is going to be entirely legless?

Or maybe just time to change choice of friends and rethink efforts to bother maintaining contact

I can’t believe the names the friend is being called because she wants a child free birthday,

There’s a post nearly every other day from people on here complaining they didn’t get the birthday they deserve and mostly they are agreed with

When it's someone's birthday it's down to them to set the location and attendees just like weddings where people say no kids. Their function, their rules.

It's like asking to bring your elderly parent because you're a carer for them.

Seriously, it's mind blowing to me why anyone would consider this without asking.

God gave us the means to communicate, more of us should take note. It does seem when reading beween the lines, that your baby would indeed change things within the group. I would first of all phone the restaurant to get an idea of the ambiance, and secondly ask your friend would it be better if you did not come, as a baby sitter was not possible.

Reading some of these responses makes me question why I keep coming back to mn

Imo you need new friends

OTOH A Sunday lunch is hardly a Saturday club night and in a smart restaurant, doubt anyone is going to be entirely legless?

Says who? Maybe they will tipsy. Not unheard of.

But its clear the friend doesnt want the baby there, so why would the OP rock up....with the baby

If you were saying she could pop in for an hour, without the baby, I would get that. But this is for adults.

Turning up with the baby would be ridiculous.

@IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory no I totally get that and I guess it has been at the back of my mind for a while. We've been friends for so long - near 10 years it's hard to let go and had some great times. But we are at such different points now!

On this occasion YABU. It's your DF's birthday in a posh restaurant and she prefers not to have a baby there. It's shit for you but I can see it from her POV. Rearrange for another time.

Surely the sisterhood includes all,women? Nit just women with children?

Cute six week old baby and you seeing a group you haven't seen for a while, you know who won't be the centre of attention? The birthday girl.

Wish her well etc, but she is clear on this.

Arrange to see her separately.

But we are at such different points now!

I get it. I had my children young so the majority of my social circle disappeared. I made mum friends. The one school friend who did stay in touch didn’t really socialise with me at all. Even the invites to have a drink with her and her husband in their home dried up. Now she’s had her children I’m being invited to lunch at soft play. Lovely to see her but my DC are now 10+ and I’ve long outgrown softplay and im back to working full time so weekends are my only option to meet and I can’t bring my dc to softplay (they aren’t allowed in) so we’re rarely seeing each other now. It’s hard.

I think it’s complete crying when grown adults make a fuss of their own birthdays.

Imagine actually organising an event for others to come and celebrate yourself, and being miffed that your “thunder” might be stolen if someone you had invited had the temerity to bring a breast fed baby.

THAT’S not normal IMO.

Cringe.

Maybe this would be less upsetting for you coconut if they made more effort with you generally?

While I support your friend wanting this meal child free I also think the fact they don’t try to also socialise with you at child friendly events or have made the effort to come and see the baby in 6 weeks is a shame.

The venue doesn't matter, the baby isn't welcome.
The friend was being tactful.
OP is just not accepting that there are limitations on what she can do currently.

Having re-read your posts, I think you can do a lot better in the friends category. They sound like rubbish friends and very unsupportive.

At six weeks, my firstborn was feeding almost constantly when awake. No way could I have gone out for three hours in the evening.

Of course I wouldn't expect a non-parent to know that that's how it is with a tiny baby, so her inviting you and assuming you could come sans baby isn't entirely unreasonable of her.

Why on earth did you have your DD around when they came over last time?

The child in question is a toddler, and the friends were visiting her home. When I go round to somebody’s house I do tend to expect to bump into the other residents. OP could hardly send her out to wander the streets could she?