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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To be told it wouldn't be good to go for an afternoon meal with my 6 week old

739 replies

Coconutbug · 03/11/2019 17:30

Its my friends birthday next week and she wants to go out for a Sunday roast. The place she has chosen has a children menu.
She has just text me to ask if I'm coming because they need to put down a deposit.
I haven't seen any of this group of friends since before baby was born through one reason or another. None of them have children.
I have a 6 week old exclusively breast fed baby and I said yes I can come but will need to bring baby and pram.
Her response I'd love to see you and meet baby but I don't think that will be good because it's an upmarket place.

Granted it is quite fancy but if it has a children's menu it doesn't make me think twice about taking a baby.

AIBU???

OP posts:
Hey1256 · 03/11/2019 20:56

I think this thread highlights why so many friendship groups fall apart after children.

It's so sad.

I honestly think when people have children they sometimes become very selfish and think they're the centre of the universe and the world should bend around them.

It's like they completely forget what life before kids felt like - most people before kids aren't interesting in kids. It's not mean spirited just life.

So for someone to want an adult afternoon for THIER birthday and for anyone to even consider thinking this is I'm any way wrong or unsupportive I actually think is disgusting.

BuggersMuddle · 03/11/2019 20:58

Bit bemused by some of the responses to this tbh & I don't have children. A Sunday roast isn't exactly cocktails & clubbing. I could understand how a bunch of kids would change the dynamic, but a tiny newborn? Totally her right to want childfree and you were right to check, but I wouldn't assume a newborn wouldn't be okay at a Sunday roast unless explicitly told.

I also don't understand why your friends would expect your children not to be there if you casually invite them to your house. If a friend with children invites me round, I don't assume their children will or won't be around tbh.

Hey1256 · 03/11/2019 21:03

On the hand I do think your AIBU should be about your friends not seeing the baby in six weeks in which case I would have been on side.

But to try and turn adult events into
Baby ones is just wrong.

However it would be nice of them to remotely care about your new baby/new journey. Even before I had an interest in kids I would always visit a friends baby and bring a gift. It's just the respectful thing to do.

GirlOnIt · 03/11/2019 21:05

Maybe this would be less upsetting for you coconut if they made more effort with you generally?

This was my thought too. I missed a friends birthday when Ds was a similar age (they were going clubbing though). But my friends all made a effort with my Ds and when I said I couldn't make it, which my friend was expecting (despite not having given birth she understood that small babies might be hard to leave, physically and emotionally), we arranged another get together a bit later that I could attend with Ds.

AdultFishcakes · 03/11/2019 21:05

Cuts both ways @Hey1256

Friends have to adapt to a degree to accommodate friends’ new responsibilities as parents. Now a birthday meal might not be the best thing but in the fog of new parenthood you’re often desperate to keep reminders of the “old you” close.

When your friends expect you to revert back to the person you were pre baby as soon as you’ve popped your PFB out it’s hard on everyone.

Friendship has terms, much like an unwritten contract. For some, a friend having a baby throws those terms into disarray and consequently the friendship can tank. This can be permanent or can resurrect when other friend has a baby.

What’s happening here is both parties just can’t see the others’ point. I am sympathetic to the OP though, I’ve been there when your mates DGAF about your feelings and can’t “get” how raw new motherhood is and how much it hurts, no matter how U or UR you’re being.

TheOrigRightsofwomen · 03/11/2019 21:05

I agree with GirlOnIt

AdultFishcakes · 03/11/2019 21:06

Dammit @Hey1256 you’ve beat me too it Grin

ChocolateTea · 03/11/2019 21:07

Meh, she hasn't met your week old yet? You've been invited to get numbers up I think, if you were a proper friend she'd have been found at some point in the next six weeks. Don't go.

ChocolateTea · 03/11/2019 21:08

Six week old. Not meeting a week old is acceptable. Good friends meet a six week old. Even if it's a ten minute pop in with food and a card

squaresandsquares · 03/11/2019 21:08

If my friend had a baby I would prefer her to bring it as it makes life easier for her and I get to see her. Bloody hell she sounds very precious bless her.

squaresandsquares · 03/11/2019 21:10

If my friend had a baby I would prefer her to come as easier for her and I get to see her. Bloody hell your friend sounds precious.

Pimmsypimms · 03/11/2019 21:10

It seems like you're more upset about them not taking an interest in your new baby. I'd be upset too in your situation. It's crappy behaviour by your friends. I wouldn't be surprised if they expect you to fawn over their babies when they decide to have them. Might be time to make some new friends op Thanks

GirlOnIt · 03/11/2019 21:15

I honestly think when people have children they sometimes become very selfish and think they're the centre of the universe and the world should bend around them.

I think that's most people at some point @Hey1256 and nothing to do with having children.

Who hasn't had a friend who's broken up with someone and has done nothing but talk about it? Or a friend with a new job or hobby that want to share every second of it?
Good friends celebrate the highs and comfort you in the lows and occasionally tell you to get over yourself.

If I talk too much about my kids I expect my friends to say "ok shut up about the kids now girl" same way if one of them is going on about the new boyfriend, new job, hot new work colleague, one of us will say 'right let's change the subject now it's getting boring'

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 03/11/2019 21:16

Ketomeato Why on earth did you have your DD around when they came over last time?

Wtf was she supposed to do with her own child in her own home? This is a toddler.

I get the impression there are people on this thread who think a bf mum should hide at home and not see anyone until her child is old enough to be left elsewhere while she goes to meet friends.

  1. this is why the UK has the lowest rates of breastfeeding in the world. It effectively means you can't socialise at all while breastfeeding, for probably at least 6 months or more. This would be crap for a new mum's mental health.

  2. All the people saying "so you can't leave your baby, then you can't go. Your problem" etc. Ha. I tried this with my first, had to decline a couple of invites. People were unbelievably shitty about me choosing to not go because I couldn't take my tiny baby Hmm. The response was either "I don't understand why you can't just leave him with your DH and formula and come for a weekend away with us" or "can't the baby manage without a feed for a few hours" (im not kidding) . Basically people don't want your baby there (fine) but are also grumpy that you then choose not to come. They literally want you to put them first ahead of your baby.

Monkeynuts18 · 03/11/2019 21:19

I know that this is absolutely not the point of your thread. But I’m so jealous that you have a 6 week old that you COULD take to a meal and be confident he’d sleep through it in the buggy! At that age my DS had never once napped in his buggy - he would only nap in a sling so we had several meals out where one of us wore him. If he was awake he’d been feeding constantly. If he was awake and not feeding he’d be howling the house down!

MarthasGinYard · 03/11/2019 21:20

'yes i probably do sound self involved, I'm upset because I can't celebrate my friends birthday'

Yes you can

Just go for a couple of hours

Pinkblueberry · 03/11/2019 21:21

this is why the UK has the lowest rates of breastfeeding in the world. It effectively means you can't socialise at all while breastfeeding, for probably at least 6 months or more.

Yes you can’t socialise ‘at all’ because the only way to possibly socialise is to bring your baby along to other people’s birthday lunches Hmm if you’re not alowed to do that you are doomed to stay at home alone for six months because you couldn’t possibly socialise in any other capacity...

Fishcakey · 03/11/2019 21:23

I know I won't be popular for saying it but I would be horrified by a baby appearing at my birthday dinner. There's a time and a place for kids (and yes I have one and if it's a family dinner yeah great or a family friendly one but not me and my mates) Blush

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 03/11/2019 21:24

Pinkblueberry

People on this thread have suggested the OP shouldn't have had her DD around when people visited her in her own home.

If your friends don't ever want to see you with your baby (as this group don't seem to want to) and your baby can't be left without starving, pray tell me, what kind of socialising does that leave?

ExecutiveFiat · 03/11/2019 21:25

Loving the mummy martyrs who can’t possibly leave their babies for five minutes, and the stealth boasting about breast feeding I think we’re all supposed to be in aweSmile

Hey1256 · 03/11/2019 21:26

I'm sorry but let's not beat around the bush. If you are breastfeeding it is still a choice whether you leave your baby for a few hours or not. We live in an age where electric breast pumps are for this very reason.

Now I'm not suggesting that you should leave your baby if you don't want to but let's not act like if a mother leaves a breastfed baby for a few hours the world will end. It won't.

This is because some mothers do it. For those who choose not to that's fine but don't hate on the rest of the world for not bending their social functions to accommodate you.

Hey1256 · 03/11/2019 21:27

Loving the mummy martyrs who can’t possibly leave their babies for five minutes, and the stealth boasting about breast feeding I think we’re all supposed to be in awe

Exactly 🙄

Original poster
Coconutbug · 03/11/2019 21:35

@Monkeynuts18 honestly I am so surprised at how much he sleeps! It is a completely different experience from my first, I've even managed to transfer from the car into the buggy and hes stayed asleep. No idea how but enjoying it while I can!!!

OP posts:
returnofthecat · 03/11/2019 21:37

I see you've already declined, but I think the correct response would have been along the lines of 'Ah, that's a shame, I'll need to sit this one out then. Maybe the two of us can catch up another time soon somewhere a bit less fancy? I can't leave the baby at the moment, but I'd still love to celebrate your birthday.'

That way, if she was unenthusiastic about seeing you at all, you'd know the friendship had run its course. She's not unreasonable to not want a baby at her group birthday meal, but she would be unreasonable to not want to see you at all somewhere more child-friendly (by which I mean more child-friendly in her eyes).

GirlOnIt · 03/11/2019 21:38

Loving the mummy martyrs who can’t possibly leave their babies for five minutes, and the stealth boasting about breast feeding I think we’re all supposed to be in awe

Or they've followed advice not to introduce a bottle until breastfeeding is well established which can be around the 4-6 week mark and then the baby might not take a bottle straight away.
That was the case for me when Ds was six weeks and I'm definitely not a martyr mummy, I love a good night out and once Ds would take a bottle I was more than happy to leave him to go out. In fact I have a vague memory of celebrating my first baby free night out drinking jägerbombs. Although I don't remember much else of the night Blush