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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be told it wouldn't be good to go for an afternoon meal with my 6 week old

739 replies

Coconutbug · 03/11/2019 17:30

Its my friends birthday next week and she wants to go out for a Sunday roast. The place she has chosen has a children menu.
She has just text me to ask if I'm coming because they need to put down a deposit.
I haven't seen any of this group of friends since before baby was born through one reason or another. None of them have children.
I have a 6 week old exclusively breast fed baby and I said yes I can come but will need to bring baby and pram.
Her response I'd love to see you and meet baby but I don't think that will be good because it's an upmarket place.

Granted it is quite fancy but if it has a children's menu it doesn't make me think twice about taking a baby.

AIBU???

OP posts:
Whoops75 · 04/11/2019 14:47

You can’t make it work so you’re right not to go.

I was the first of my friends to have a baby, in fact some were on no1 when I had no4, one of the group has no children.

It’s nice to be able to socialize with a different dynamic as well as similar people.
This group of friends will be your break from the norm. Enjoy them when you can, this doesn’t need to end the friendship imo

Congratulations on the baby x

StrawberryGoo · 04/11/2019 14:48

smotheroffive

If your bff has 3 year old twins and can’t get childcare for an adults only wedding do you invite them?

It’s not only breastfeeding mothers of 6 week olds who aren’t able to attend child free events.

I invited my friend’s baby to my wedding, she screamed through me walking down the aisle and totally ruined that once in a lifetime moment so I wouldn’t judge anyone for not inviting babies to a wedding.

Child free weddings are discrimination, honestly I have heard it all now.

MarthasGinYard · 04/11/2019 14:48

'Some BFF'

Who is saying this is OP's best friend?

She hasn't seen this Group for a while by the sounds of it.

PurpleDaisies · 04/11/2019 14:49

All weddings and some element of “discrimination” about who is on the guest list. 2nd cousins aren’t invited etc...

Original poster
Coconutbug · 04/11/2019 14:54

@Whoops75 congrats on 4 and thank you!
You are right though I do like to have them as they are a different dynamic and means I'm not always just talking baby stuff which can happen with mum friends sometimes.
I'm sure we will muddle through and soon enough I'll be able to go out more regularly!!

OP posts:
Leighhalfpennysthigh · 04/11/2019 14:59

Making it difficult for you to join something is also exclusionary, and discrimination against babies and dms.

Keeping repeating it doesn't stop it from being bullocks. You are insulting people who have actually experienced discrimination with your nonsense.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 04/11/2019 15:00

Bollocks

JenniR29 · 04/11/2019 15:09

OP the first few months are hard, but it gets easier and you get to socialise more. Ignore all this discrimination crap, I really doubt your friend meant it that way at all. She could have communicated it better but at the end of the day it’s her birthday her choice. It won’t be the only social event on the calendar.

Most of my social life happens in Costa rather than the pub nowadays but that’s just parent life. I do enjoy seeing my child free friends though, it’s nice to talk about things that stimulate my brain!

Bluntness100 · 04/11/2019 15:54

I think there is such a difference of opinion even if I agree with all sides of it which I do that I will get berated for it lol

There is nuts. Your friend is absolutely in her rights not to invite your baby to her birthday meal. Anyone suggesting other wise is off their rocker. She doesn't need to invite anyone she doesn't wish to.be it your husband your kids, your granny, your dog, or even you.

That's it, end of. She is at liberty to have any form of birthday event she wishes. With whomever she wishes there.

People who seem to think you have some god given right to dictate whom this woman has at her event, or what sort of event she has, by right of ebf, are batshit. You do not have this right. It's not your birthday lunch. It's hers.

That's it. There is no more to it. It's her sole right and her sole decision who she has at her event.

Original poster
Coconutbug · 04/11/2019 15:57

@JenniR29 yes I agree,I don't think she meant it in a discriminatory way, maybe a bit thoughtless but that's all.
I think you are right I forgot how hard these first few months are. I guess I thought it would be easier this time round!

OP posts:
Elbowedout · 04/11/2019 16:29

No @Bluntness100 it is NOT "her sole decision who she has at her event". It is her sole decision who she invites to her event but that is not the same thing. She doesn't get to have "whomever she wishes there" if her wishes are incompatible with those of the intended guests.
At least as many posters have suggested that the OP is unreasonable for not wanting to go without her baby as have said the friend is unreasonable for not wanting the baby there, and they are equally wrong.
The friend is absolutely within her rights to set the conditions of her invitation and as long as she accepts that this may well result in that invitation being declined then the whole thing is a non issue. Neither party has rights that trump the other's but they are both allowed to feel a bit disappointed surely? I think that is all the OP was getting at really.

Anotherlongdrive · 04/11/2019 16:50

Making it difficult for you to join something is also exclusionary, and discrimination against babies and dms.

Dont be ridiculous. You clearly dont understand what discrimination is.

Besides which op was invited and isnt going. For good reasons.

So not the same as OP not inviting her to a wedding. Though op would have the right to that too.

Original poster
Coconutbug · 04/11/2019 16:55

Thank you @Elbowedout

''The friend is absolutely within her rights to set the conditions of her invitation and as long as she accepts that this may well result in that invitation being declined then the whole thing is a non issue. Neither party has rights that trump the other's but they are both allowed to feel a bit disappointed surely? I think that is all the OP was getting at really.''

That explains it well!

OP posts:
smartcarnotsosmartdriver · 04/11/2019 17:03

I get it OP. I'm due to have our first quite shortly. Before I finished up for maternity leave I had a friend tell me I wasn't allowed to talk about baby. I hadn't been "going on" as I'm sure people will assume I was. The friend in question is very young and had wanted to start a family very soon. Her DP asked that they wait, she took it hard so I had been keeping baby chat to an absolute minimum. Apparently I was supposed to say nothing at all. It hurt me. I got where she was coming from but I was still upset.
I'm sure it's the same in this situation, you can understand where your friend is coming from but that doesn't mean that you aren't upset that you've been excluded.

Pinkblueberry · 04/11/2019 17:20

A lot of posters on this thread who clearly don’t have babies yet. Why would the pram be left next to the table? It will either be folded up and put away or just wheeled away, there will always be somewhere it can be stashed.

Right... and where will the 6 week old baby be ‘stashed’ in the mean time? Or are you expecting everyone to take turns holding it while they eat their lunch?

Smotheroffive · 04/11/2019 17:27

This isn't about 3 year olds, who can be left, its about excluding women who have small babies.

If someone can't get a babysitter its a different matter altogether.

Some really don't understand discrimination at all.

Smotheroffive · 04/11/2019 17:28

Before sex discrimination was written in law it was still discrimination.

Just sayin Wink

MollyMinniesMum · 04/11/2019 17:29

That’s no friend,
sorry

Pinkblueberry · 04/11/2019 17:38

MaryShelley you clearly didn’t exclusively breast feed if you were able to leave a five-month-old to go on a foreign holiday. No-one can express that much, sorry.

Isn’t this quite common place in the US where maternity leave is very short? They express loads before heading back to work - so I’m sure it’s very possible.

Anotherlongdrive · 04/11/2019 17:42

Some really don't understand discrimination at all.

No you dont. At all.

Sex discrimination doesnt cover birthdays friends partys either.

Especially, where you have been invited.

Smotheroffive · 04/11/2019 17:58

You are wrong about that

Discrimination doesn't only mean in law.

Its about treating people, or a group of people differently, based on a particular characteristic. Having a baby, excluded, where they would have been included previously. Its horrible.

Who hasn't slipped out of a wedding ceremony or funeral or christening because of crying baby. It happens

Such intolerance and perfectionism!

havingtochangeusernameagain · 04/11/2019 17:59

Actually a lot of women without children do understand very well what it means to have a newborn

And many do not. I would not have done, and would have thought a baby of any age would be distracting and spoil an adult event. It would never have occurred to me that you couldn't leave a baby for a couple of hours either as I thought you fed every 4 hours, didn't know about on-demand feeding!

And no, saying that you don't want a baby at an event is not discrimination.

Ginger1982 · 04/11/2019 18:01

"Referencing OPs post, many have interpreted it as she doesn't want your baby there, thats excluding, just the same as if you were being racially discriminated against."

What a load of shite.

FontSnob · 04/11/2019 18:01

You sound lovely, level headed and considerate OP. I understand that it must feel hurtful when friends aren’t reciprocating with their own thoughtfulness.

Anotherlongdrive · 04/11/2019 18:02

the unjust or prejudicial treatment of different categories of people, especially on the grounds of race, age, or sex.

This is discrimination.

The friend wanting a child free birthday party, inviting her friend and her friend declining isnt any of the above.

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