Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To be told it wouldn't be good to go for an afternoon meal with my 6 week old

739 replies

Coconutbug · 03/11/2019 17:30

Its my friends birthday next week and she wants to go out for a Sunday roast. The place she has chosen has a children menu.
She has just text me to ask if I'm coming because they need to put down a deposit.
I haven't seen any of this group of friends since before baby was born through one reason or another. None of them have children.
I have a 6 week old exclusively breast fed baby and I said yes I can come but will need to bring baby and pram.
Her response I'd love to see you and meet baby but I don't think that will be good because it's an upmarket place.

Granted it is quite fancy but if it has a children's menu it doesn't make me think twice about taking a baby.

AIBU???

OP posts:
MaryShelley1818 · 04/11/2019 11:20

Adult only lunches are wonderful, babies/children completely change the dynamics and I definitely wouldn’t one at my Birthday lunch. Nothing wrong with your friends not wanting your baby there at all, I think they were trying to be tactful as it’s obvious you don’t really get it.

You can leave your baby but you choose not to. Entirely your decision and nothing wrong with that but then accept you’ll have to miss out on things until you’re ready to.

My little boy is the absolute light of my life, I love him more than I can describe but was happy to leave him to meet friends for a few hrs and even went on holiday to Spain for a girls holiday when he was 5mths old. I breastfed. I expressed. I certainly don’t need celebrating anymore than my friends who don’t have children!

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 04/11/2019 11:21

Formula feeding mothers though, they can fuck off

Come and join us childless freaks instead WinkGrin

LaurieMarlow · 04/11/2019 11:34

I breastfed. I expressed

Great.

What about bf babies who don’t take a bottle (of which there are many)?

TheOrigFV45 · 04/11/2019 11:42

and even went on holiday to Spain for a girls holiday when he was 5mths old. I breastfed. I expressed.

As an experienced BF mother you must recognise that being able to express enough milk to leave a 5 month old for a period of time (presume holiday was at least 2 nights) is not the norm for most mothers, not to mention that hoo haa of having to express on your holiday and the risk of supply issues on your return.

MaryShelley1818 · 04/11/2019 11:49

@LaurieMarlow then unfortunately there will be some occasions they will have to miss out on.
I missed out on lots of things while pregnant and then when DS was newborn. That’s just life, the world doesn’t revolve around me so I wouldn’t expect everyone else to change their lives/plans. I just enjoyed that stage, knowing it’s very brief in the grand scheme of things. I chose to do some things and had to decline others. Is that not just normal life?

ferntwist · 04/11/2019 11:49

MaryShelley you clearly didn’t exclusively breast feed if you were able to leave a five-month-old to go on a foreign holiday. No-one can express that much, sorry. Exclusive breast feeding is not some fancy choice but actually normal in most countries (and what is recommended by WHO and NHS), so don’t guilt trip the OP by saying she can leave her baby. That’s like saying she could leave her baby crying and hungry. Why should she?

No wonder breastfeeding rates in the UK are among the lowest in the world.

This thread has convinced me it’s finally time to launch my guerilla group the Baby Liberation Front. Babies welcome! Women liberated!

Watch for activities and flash feeds coming soon to ‘upmarket’ eateries near you. Free the babies! Free the mothers!

ferntwist · 04/11/2019 11:50

DM me for more info and to join the mailing list.

ferrier · 04/11/2019 11:54

You can leave your baby but you choose not to.
That's not much of a choice if your baby is going to cry the entire time you are gone. Yes this happened to me once hence never again.
But on the other side of the argument, yes it is possible to express enough milk to feed a baby for a week .... and more. I had a huge oversupply through effective expressing and donated over a month's worth of milk to the local milk bank.

MaryShelley1818 · 04/11/2019 11:57

@TheOrigFV45
I mix fed but know plenty of people who EBF and had a huge freezer stash (more than enough for a few nts) I didn’t find it a hoo haa to express on holiday at all. We actually did 3nts. It’s irrelevant though really, my point was that we all make choices about how to feed and OP has that choice, and it’s totally reasonable for her to choose not to BUT a lot of these comments suggest it’s impossible to leave the baby and it’s clearly not.
A lot of women are back at work, they make it work because they have to.

MaryShelley1818 · 04/11/2019 12:00

@ferntwist YES actually Lots and lots of women can and do express that much. You are wrong.

You are also being completely obtuse suggesting that I’m implying to leave a baby crying and hungry.
Clearly not what I said but you already know that.

LaurieMarlow · 04/11/2019 12:01

i chose to do some things and had to decline I chose to do some things and had to decline others. Is that not just normal life?

Sure, but your previous point about the OP being able to leave her baby and choosing not to is bollocks.

Unless you think it’s a legitimate choice for the OP to leave a child screaming with hunger. Do you?

In this case, looks like the OP should gracefully decline, but her friend is being disingenuous in blaming the restaurant (as they clearly don’t have an issue) and probably needs to think harder about what it means to want to spend time with a bfing mum (baby is often non negotiable).

ExecutiveFiat · 04/11/2019 12:01

Bore off Fern You sound utterly deranged. Have a Wine. Sounds like it would do you the world of goodGrin

ferntwist · 04/11/2019 12:02

MaryShelley you said it’s a choice to leave an exclusively breast fed baby. That simply isn’t true. Anymore than it’s your choice to eat every day and not go days without eating. Yes you could do it but it would hurt you.

LaurieMarlow · 04/11/2019 12:02

Clearly not what I said but you already know that.

You said that the OP could leave her baby but was choosing not to.

For a bf baby that won’t take a bottle, that does risk leaving them crying and hungry.

Smotheroffive · 04/11/2019 12:03

Horrible to exclude a new mum this way.

I would reply that it would be lovely to come, but hopefully she has some realisation that you cannot just drop a new baby if it needs you, so will understand if you cannot make it on the night.

That if she insists on having a deposit, you would risk losing it based just on your new baby's needs on the night, unless you could have baby with you.

Then she can say, oh it's a baby free night. Some women will embrace this as a chance to escape for a night into adult only company, whether they have babies or not.

She should just make this clear.

ferntwist · 04/11/2019 12:04

My baby never took a bottle, expressed or not. No mother can or should express enough to go away on a European holiday when their baby is five-months - you wouldn’t have enough to feed them properly while you were doing so without topping up with formula. Stop lying.

MaryShelley1818 · 04/11/2019 12:04

And lots of women aren’t able to be ‘normal’ and EBF.
Lots of us have to settle for being abnormal.
How wonderful we all do have choices.

LaurieMarlow · 04/11/2019 12:07

How wonderful we all do have choices.

The mother of the bf baby that refuses a bottle doesn’t have the choice to leave them, as she’s their only source of food.

MaryShelley1818 · 04/11/2019 12:08

@ferntwist I clearly said I mixfed. I’m not lying and you’re starting to sound unhinged.
I can assure you my little boy was well fed and cared for by his father while I was away.

Clearly if a baby won’t take expressed breastmilk from a bottle then you would choose not to leave it. Common sense.

Bluntness100 · 04/11/2019 12:09

Blimey this thread is bonkers.

The op is perfectly justified in not wishing to or being able to spend even a couple of hours away from her child. The birthday woman is perfectly justified in not wanting an infant at her birthday meal.

And she's not being a dick by not spelling that out to the op, she's trying to be polite.

It really is bizzare how some posters, as a pp said, are so consumed by babies and breast feeding that they simply can't imagine a scenario where a baby free birthday lunch would be desirable. Confused

Smotheroffive · 04/11/2019 12:09

I also see celebration of ebf as a positive thing and totally disagree its saying anything to ff dms.

In the same way all manner of things are celebrated by having a dedicated international or national day, like International Womens Day isn't saying fuck you all men. To think that is just childish and dickish.

Neither is having a mothers day telling those who are not mothers to fuck off. Childish and dickish attitude.

LaurieMarlow · 04/11/2019 12:10

Clearly if a baby won’t take expressed breastmilk from a bottle then you would choose not to leave it. Common sense.

So it’s a question of can’t rather than won’t? Yes?

Smotheroffive · 04/11/2019 12:13

Also for dms who want to ebf giving formula, isn't a choice they've chosen.

Expressing is anywhere on the scale of easy/ piece of piss, to unbearable/impossible.

LaurieMarlow · 04/11/2019 12:14

It really is bizzare how some posters, as a pp said, are so consumed by babies and breast feeding that they simply can't imagine a scenario where a baby free birthday lunch would be desirable

I totally get that it’s desirable. And entirely her choice.

But there is a contradiction between ‘i want the OP there’ and ‘i want a baby free lunch’ if the OP is ebfing a bottle refuser.

Whether the friend is understandably clueless, trying to be polite in a slightly inept way, or being dickish, I couldn’t possibly say as I don’t know her.

Blaming the restaurant seems a little off though.

Anotherlongdrive · 04/11/2019 12:14

Horrible to exclude a new mum this way

So everyone has to have children at everything?

No mother can or should express enough to go away on a European holiday when their baby is five-months - you wouldn’t have enough to feed them properly while you were doing so without topping up with formula.

Says who?